My break blog

Hey Guys, just starting this thread as a means to keep myself on track. The advice on here has really helped me move my perspective to a much healthier point of view. I figure there's lots of experience floating around here that may be able to offer some sage words as I work my way through this.

I've had a few LTRs in my life but always felt like they were things I kinda got pushed into or chose due to lack of options. This year I actually started manning up and shooting for girls I was hot for, playfully teasing, keeping it light and fun, and having a blast doing it. No cold approaches but I was happy mixing it up in a few social groups.

After a history with older women I didn't really see a future with, I suddenly connect with a younger one. This was the first time I had felt a real emotional connection since HS, I thought it was something special. We met in the town I live right now but when we eventually hooked up she had finished school and moved an hour's drive away so we only met up on weekends. The time we spent together was fun, blissful, and exciting. I enjoyed being the good guy with a serious badboy edge. I've never felt more sexually confident in my life. Things kept escalating more and more until I fvct it up with 1 bad day :nono:

She came over after 2am when I asked her not to but eventually accepted... I was tired and cranky when she showed up and we both went to bed... Sexed her up as I woke up with something I couldnt ignore, pretty good but not the best. After being worn out and sick from an intense business trip for a week, lack of sleep was not good. I was groggy and emotional all day while trying to hide it... then something set me off and I felt guilty about being an ass the night before, let a few tears out and completely pussified myself.

As to be expected, she went from a very high IL to fvcking indifferent the very next day. I felt self conscious like I had set up this image "he's just another AFC" and felt the need to prove myself the next chance I got. Didn't see her for two weeks and met up through a gathering of common friends... she was real cold at first so I kept my cool, gave some space, then got into the basics and in no time we were humming along like things were cloud 9 again... next day, fvcking indifferent!

I let it play out a couple weeks but got to a point where I knew it was dump or be dumped, and the **** was bugging me so much I just wanted it out of my life. I wasnt really getting any chances to meet face to face so I just txted her that I felt something was very wrong and I needed time to myself.... She pulled a little bait and switch on me txting back why she felt weird, then when i gave an honest and forward answer she contradicted herself with some BS and finished it off with "I think I need time to myself too".

This is where I cut things and went NC!

Next day she messaged me "I hope you're ok... Maybe we should meet in a few days to clear the air"

-Fvck that, I'm sticking with the NC bible!!! I acted like a chump at the end of this one but I'm gonna finish this right.

Managed to keep myself busy this weekend and now I'm back in the day to day. Doing my best to follow the NC advice and keep a more confident, prideful perspective on things. Trying to keep busy but that gets tricky during the working week evenings.

I catch myself fantasizing about her from time to time but quickly try to shut it down with remembering things I wasn't happy with, to knock her off the pedestal.

When I think about things logically, I don't see how something good could last from her coming back but I cant help but want her to come crawling. Once in a while the thought "why doesn't she call me" creeps into my mind but I keep reminding myself thats not what I want and would just be more exhausting drama than this girl is worth.

I want to be a man who can shrug this off and continue on happily. I will become that MAN...

Hit the 1 week mark today and feeling pretty good about this whole experience. I'm proud of who I was while it lasted and don't regret the mistakes I made. Everyone slips up from time to time but if one slip was all it took to kill her interest, I'd never be happy with someone I can't depend on.

She emailed me late last night saying sorry in a couple ways for what happened between us. Not being ready for a serious relationship and once she realized where it was going she didnt know how to handle it. Asking me not to hate her, and how she was scared to talk to me after the last texts, thinking I was angry... She asked if we would ever talk again? If we were avoiding each other? Said she would respect it if I don't want to talk to her again and wished me the best.

I feel weird, part of me wants to make things feel right between us and for her not to feel bad but another part thinks if I did then I would lose respect from her and myself.

I don't feel right completely ignoring her so I responded today...

"I'm not angry and I don't hate you"

I don't want to address if we're not talking or avoiding each other, I feel like it would lead to an non-constructive conversation. In fact I feel like any conversation would not be constructive at this point. I'm confused about her, I know how much I like her and given the right opportunity she probably couldn't resist me, but she's really messed up still from a 5yr LTR that ended a year ago. No matter how I cut it, I cant feel safe with her the way she is right now.

I don't know if responding was the right thing or how I responded was right. I could use some advice.

Those are some standard issue lines. I think you should talk to her and just be honest.

A "this is the deal" type conversation.

I don't get the whole "no contact" thing. If you really want to cut off contact, then fine, do it. But to cut off contact in the hope that things will come around with you at an advantage is just child's play in my opinion.

Just tell her what you want. If she is in, that's great. If not, then you walk away and also save yourself a ton of time and drama.

I think your reply was just fine. She doesnt need any more elaboration on your feelings, you've already let her know exactly how you feel with that one sentence.

Its irrelevant and useless to talk to her more now. Dont you remember how she made you feel? How ****ty it felt? You know deep down this relationship was not meant to work out, not after she shows you such blatant disrespect.

You are doing well. I wish I had your self control with MY last oneitis, I ended up losing control and sending dumb emails. Dont do what I did.

Thanks,
Yesterday I sat down and wrote a big long letter into notepad about how I think her keeping in touch with her ex is keeping her from moving on. I think I got into the whole "save the poor defensless girl" type mindset that a few posters mentioned on other threads. I'm not sure if I'll ever send it but I'm glad I didn't for now. Its weird, I was starting to feel a bit better and thinking about her less but the re-initiation of contact got my mind spinning again. While it may seem cruel sometimes and I don't agree with everything people say about the NC rule, I think it really does help keep the healing and moving on process going. Even with something so small, right now I feel like a minor reset button's been pushed on this thing. I'm waking up earlier than I want to with fantasies of her, then beating myself up over it and not being able to sleep. It's just too exhausting.

Hey SBSS,
I respect your advice, I just feel like things are past that point and I already know the answer. The better part of this break is as time moves along I'm beginning to see more clearly and how things not working is more about her. She needs to figure out her own issues and it will take far longer than I can wait. Only then will she have a chance at a healthy relationship with a significant other.

Fvvvvk I need to get a social life!!!