On the brink of cheating

Hi guys,
First time poster...
I've been married for 5 years now and, on many fronts, things aren't going so well with my wife. When we were dating, we used to have lots of sex, but things changed when we got married. I started to get a lot of the "I'm tired" or "is that all you think of" excuse. Over the last few years I've gotten to a point of not bothering with initiating because 99% of the times I'd get rejected. Only from time to time, especially when she wants it then I get it. I call these "sympathy phucks". We're still fairly young in our 30s and do not have kids yet. Right now, we last had sex a almost 2 months ago.

In addition to the sex issue, my wife basically wants to dominate me and any complaint about anything is met with a very swift and stinging response! I just think there's complete disrespect for me because the talk back is laced with contempt, and, if I was weak emotionally, I would've have been violent with her a long time ago.
Guys, how does one explain a wife getting in the kitchen and making herself
food and not bother with making something for the husband? What kind of bull crap is that? I'm really angry about this stuff.

When we have fights, and she feels I've wronged her, she will give me the silent treatment that can extend to 3 weeks.
Things came to a head last week when I just felt I couldn't take it anymore and I basically "reported" her to her mother - the only person she will listen to. She had been ignoring me in the house for 2 weeks, but she's happy posting messages on her wall on FB, mostly communicating with the other ladies she works with. She recently discovered FB and it has consumed every moment of her time.
In the last 3 weeks that she's been giving me the silent treatment, one night I tried to touch her, and, predictably, I was rejected and reminded that since we weren't talking, I should not even begin to think of touching her. Defeated, I just rolled over and faced the other side, praying that I'd sleep! I have tried to talk to her and she only changes for a week and then fall back into her crap of starving me.

My reporting her to mom was a last resort! In hindsight, I realize maybe I shouldn't have, but I just wanted the mother to know that if I get to pull the plug, it would be because of a long history of being unhappy. Her mom is pretty old school and believes a man should be the head of the house,etc and was embarrassed by what I told her. She promised to sort it out with her daughter. My wife didn't take this move kindly and basically told me I had committed the most cardinal sin, which she would not forgive. She even went as far as threatning me with going separate ways because I've embarrassed her by outing her to her mom.
She has since gone to visit her parents and hasn't even made any contact, but she posts messages on her FB wall, announcing how happy she is spending time with her mom and brothers. I reckon this is a strategy to further phuck me up mentally: to push me into a position of defeat and then solicit a response from me, like, "i'm sorry, I miss you, etc".
I haven't done so and I just think that this situation presents me with an opportunity to take control of my household, unless she's no longer prepared to stay married to me. So , I will not even call her mom to find out what the outcome of their discussion was. I also know that her mother will probably take her side once she starts outing my transgressions to her. So I'm not banking on that to yield any delicious fruit. They're very close and my wife acts like she's still unmarried and her family is all that matters. I'm made to feel like I'm second class citizen in her life, and she happily takes her mom's advice on anything, but my word does not command the same respect from her!

Guys, here's where the plot thickens. There are two separate females who've entered my orbit and they've made offers to visit my place. I know that they'll spend the night and sex will happen. I haven't had sex in almost 2 months and I'm vulnerable right now!The hunger has brought my willpower to it's knees and I'm teetering on the brink of cheating. I feel I've taken too much shyte from my wife and I have to be selfish and satisfy the justifiable physical need I have.

From a strategy perspective, what do you advise I do to get my wife to respect me again? I have started going to gym, because I had gained a lot of weight and got fat, whilst she lost weight and is looking hot. She's getting a lot of attention from her female friends on FB, commenting about how stunning she looks. She's really basking in it and spends most of her time posting on her wall or friends' walls. I complained about the time she spends online, on FB. She accused me of wanting to control her and lashed out at me. I made a mistake of losing my cool when I confronted her.

When she comes back, I want her to find me in full gear with my transformation and taking charge of my life. I want her to see that I'm beginning to live my life without the spectre of her being the centre of everything I do.
So what strategic mistakes have I made so far and what can I change to get my power back?
By the way, what is AFC?

ChuckNoRisk said:

By the way, what is AFC?

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Average Frustrated Chump, so in other words; you!

You answered your questions yourself; get control of the situation. Pick up some hobbies that will take you out of the house and interact with people. Do things that make you happy and dont pay attention to her BS. With time, she will notice how you changed and how you have your own life going. Talking to her wont help; it will further drive her away since she seems like she isnt ready to have a mature honest conversation and she doesn't see her behavior being wrong.

As for the cheating, all I can say is that don't do it in your own house; get a motel or her place.

You need a divorce and a therapist. A total reboot, socially. You told on her to her mom, seriously dude? Based on where you're coming into this, your relationship with her is irreparable, most likely.

If you "gained a lot of weight and are fat", then that means you're not respecting yourself. How can you expect her to respect you if you don't respect yourself?

If you're able to pull off the "total transformation", it will only be respected by someone that does not know your past. Time to cut your losses and fix you. She's not the problem, you are. If you're broken, you're not even in a position to evaluate anything else, because you have no way of knowing how much of the disorder in your life is a direct result of your own personal failings.

BTW, I know I'm harsh, but don't go doing anything stupid, OK? You CAN fix your life, and there's no time like the present. But it's time to pay the price of the divorce, and just be thankful kids aren't involved. BTW, she probably doesn't think you're even man enough to file for divorce. Are you?

Holy Sh*T man you described a good chunk of my marriage which I pulled the plug on over a year ago.

Here's a piece of advise: if you cheat it will not solve your problems and it will not make your life better with your wife. You cannot simply replace the missing intimacy from your life with that of another woman.

If you try, you will withdraw emotionally even further from your wife. Things will get worse, even if you aren't discovered. Your emotions will run on a roller coaster if you become attached to your affair partner which is very easy in your situation.

If you get discovered ALL HELL will break lose.

I tried counseling, nothing made it better. I left her even though we have two kids together and don't regret it one bit. You are lucky you don't have kids. I wish I ran before I had kids - she was like this for a long time.

azanon said:

If you "gained a lot of weight and are fat", then that means you're not respecting yourself. How can you expect her to respect you if you don't respect yourself?

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I do respect myself. Just got caught up in the demands of balancing working and doing a master's degree in the last 2 years. I was in pretty good shape before( averaging 37 miles a week and working out at the boxing club).
I'm done with the master's and I've restarted with my running and boxing classes.

I've always been of the belief that once respect is gone, it's gone forever. That's just me. Others may disagree. But even when you think about it politically....all those dictators over the years who would convict you of "treason" just for saying something negative about them. Those guys, crazy as they were, knew that once disrespect was shown, it would lead to bigger, more threatening displays.

The outward display of disrespect is a sign that cracks have already formed at the foundation.

Your idea about hitting the gym is a good start. Starting hobbies. Hanging out with friends. Those are good too. Anything that prepares you for the single life while at the same time, possibly improving your wife's opinion of you is good. That way you can straddle the line between living the single life and saving your marriage for as long as possible.

And going back to my political thing...she's been making all the strategic moves against you. Withholding sex. Sleeping at her parents. Etc. If you really want to disrupt her frame of control, you'd have to make a bigger move. Which might include, packing up your things and leaving. She seems to believe that she can treat you however she wants and still come back to a forgiving husband. It might take some Shock and Awe to get her attention.

Take all this with a grain of salt...I'm not married. But over the years, I've learned how to handle disrespect from women. And 99% of the time it involves walking away from them. Conversation isn't going to cut it.

You should be thanking god (or whoever) that you have no kids (with her). A marriage without kids, to me, is like a long term girlfriend. Just bail and start over. No biggie.

If you fear loneliness or no sex or no companionship then that is great because you don't have it anyway, so nothing
to fear.

She's cheating on you, might as well return the favor.

scrouds said:

She's cheating on you, might as well return the favor.

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Possibly, as it is always possible. However, the intell I've been gathering hasn't yielded any
indications that's case. I planted a trojan horse on her macbook and successfully entered into her email account and FB. Nothing. The only incriminating message I found was to her unmarried friend where she was gossiping about how strict I've become with finances. Her friend's response was "he must grow up and stop acting like starved child". I was obviously infuriated by this and was tempted to confront her, but managed to control myself and thus keep the surveillance uncompromised.
Let me just say this. My wife comes from a spoiled and rich background. She has often said she used to get anything she wanted whenever she asked her mom. We always had problems even when we were dating because she always wanted to get her way. I let it go on for too long and I'm to blame for that. I also never wanted her to feel like she's now a slave by being married to me and therefore I have always been very active with performing chores in the house. Maybe that contributed to her seeing like a whipped dog with it's tail between the legs? We both were also busy studying and working demanding jobs, and at times the stress causes tension further creating distance between us.
As for her visits to her parents' place, she doesn't go there often. In fact, she has only been there 3 times this year.
Sometimes I feel OK, and the next minute the situation depresses me and I feel extreme rage. I can't believe anyone can be so heartless as to give a partner the silent treatment for ages and still want to live with you. Judging on the Google results, there are many victims of this silent treatment offence.

Reminds me of my ex-girlfriend, but not this bad. I ended up cheating on her. She cried all over the place and broke up with me. What I should have done was break up with her and move on with my life.

1) Make fitness and healthy eating a staple of your life.
2) Get involved with other interests or hobbies.
3) Hang out with the guys and girls more, but don't cheat with the girls. Honor is still important.
4) Start saving some of your heart for yourself.

DMEDFISIK said:

Reminds me of my ex-girlfriend, but not this bad. I ended up cheating on her. She cried all over the place and broke up with me. What I should have done was break up with her and move on with ...
3) Hang out with the guys and girls more, but don't cheat with the girls. Honor is still important

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Lol...You're right. I think it's just the thought of having sex with another woman, but I probably will not even be able to execute because:
1) I'm so out of practise I'll embarrass myself with a quick pull of the trigger
2) because I still love my wife, I probably will fail to get it up

This is indeed a sad situation.

I fully agree with Mantis here. I believe in the vast majority of cases, once respect is gone, it is gone baby gone. I also think that the ONLY way to get it back, or move on with what's left of your manhood intact, is to walk away.

No offense intended here, but your wife sounds like a cvnt. In part because you've allowed her to become one. Just like that didnt happen overnight, getting her to respect you (which may be a lost cause) isnt going happen overnight either. Stash some money away where she cant access it, strap your boots on, and dig in for a divorce. Hopefully that wont be the case, but you should prepare for the worst.

As for what you should do to start turning around, definitely continue working out like a madman. Keep those other girls in your wings, but dont fvck them. Cheating on your wife--b!tch as she may be--dishonors yourself. Hold yourself in higher esteem than her. Begin ignoring her immediately. Not in a childish way, be cordial, but give her nothing beyond the casual courtesy you might give a coworker. I highly recommend you read about Dave from Hawaii, which can be found on the Heartiste blog. Someone here can link it for you.

This is going to be a long road, but if you heed our advice--especially the elder gents--you will see a turnaround in your life. If not with your wife, with another woman who will love and respect you.

Do your best to fix your marriage into what you want it to be and get a divorce if you can't. Don't cheat.

READ THIS NOW!

http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2009/08/14/relationship-game-week-a-readers-journey/

Gentlemen, thank you. I'm reading the "Dave from Hawaii" post now.

Just want one thing from you. When she gets back, should I wait for her to make the first move (regarding talking to me) since she was the one dishing out the silent treatment?
I feel I shouldn't be the one to make the first move as this will be interpreted as conceding wrongdoing on my part(implying giving in to her) and therefore perpetuating the problem I'm trying to solve.

ok here is a good one...sit your wife down and tell her you are going to go on a no sex diet with her to try and feel more connected to her. Touching / hugging etc and kissing is ok but nothing sexual. Tell her it is for 4 months. You must stick to it but you must let her know what you are doing and why. Tell her you have lost the feeling of closeness you used to have etc and you feel like sex is a one way street. During that time you have to work on yourself.

Leave the bytch - NOW.

Oh and another thing - DO cheat. Cheat and get caught - fvck some chick in yur own bed - teach this cvnt wife of yours a lesson - then walk away. Or just walk away.
They type of bytch you describe as your wife is the type that probably also needs a good fvcking beating from you too - but that will just lead to police invovlement etc as she sounds the type to go run to the coppers.
Sorry mate - I am being blunt but your wife is a Cvnt with a capital C.

Zunder said:

Oh and another thing - DO cheat. Cheat and get caught - fvck some chick in yur own bed - teach this cvnt wife of yours a lesson - then walk away. Or just walk away.
They type of bytch you describe as your wife is the type that probably also needs a good fvcking beating from you too - but that will just lead to police invovlement etc as she sounds the type to go run to the coppers.
Sorry mate - I am being blunt but your wife is a Cvnt with a capital C.

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If you cheat, be prepared to walk away from everything. At least have that mindset.

Don't live in fear. When you fear to lose a woman, that's usually when you do.

Dude, allow me to talk you back into the light here.

Most of the problems you are describing are YOUR fault.

The sex issue is YOUR fault. It is not your wife's job to fvck you anytime you want. It is not your wife's job to cook for you either.

It is YOUR job to keep her interest level high enough so that she WANTS to do these things for you!

The only thing that matters in any relationship with a woman, is HER interest level. Keep her interest level sky high and you will be a happy man almost by default. She will cook, clean, cater, and screw your brains out if you keep her interest up and through the roof.

How do you keep her IL high?

Well let's focus on your relationship specifically, and what you are doing wrong.

First things first, forget about the "marriage" tag of your relationship. You need to treat your marriage exactly the same way as you would any exclusive relationship with a woman. Just because you are married it doesn't give you any leeway. You need to stay just as sharp if not more with your game to keep things going great.


1. Challenge - You got fat, lazy and out of shape. You are less attractive to her. More importantly you are less attractive to other women. (Despite these other two girls) The more your wife thinks other women want you, the better. In your case she probably doesn't see any competition to keep you interested and you've ceased to be a challenge to her. Women want the competition for your interest. They want to work to keep you interested. They all want the challenge of being with the man that other women are attracted to. That man must be looking his very best and living his life well. It is a challenge. It is competition. They need it. As soon as you cease to be a challenge in this way your relationship is on the countdown to failure.

Solution - It sounds like your wife is keeping up her end of the bargain. Lots of guys have wives who let themselves go physically after marriage. You need get to the gym immediately. Buy some new outfits that make you look good. Start taking care of yourself. You don't have to be hot, just looking your best while you are getting back into shape. Be active and drag your wife along, for walks, bike rides, hikes, etc. Start discussing the future, your plans, your goals, etc. Positivity!


2. Confidence - Lack of confidence begins to manifest itself by failing at #1. However it goes deeper than that. Its all about respect. If you don't demand respect from the get go then it is very difficult to get it back. It's obvious your wife has little respect for you at this point. The stinging comments, etc. My guess is that you allowed her to be the "boss" of the relationship from the get go. This is where most guys/relationships fail. Most men lack the confidence to stand up for themselves in the early going. You have to be willing "to walk" from the first signs of disrespect. You need to exude that confidence right from the start. Once you gain that respect you must keep it throughout all her little shyt tests along the way. Eventually she learns and things run more smoothly.

Solution - Speaking/whining to her mom was a REALLY weak move. You need to get into the DJ Bible and start reading posts about How to be a Man immediately! Regaining respect can be tough but it can be done.

3. Control - Control manifests itself from succeeding at #2 (Notice how I've laid this out for you in 3 easy steps? Control is how you act and maintain your emotions. Your "cool" so to speak.

You make mention of having fights with your wife. Fights demonstrate a lack of control. Allowing your wife to draw you into a argument or fight makes you the loser every single time. You may get your point across and win the actual argument however, you ultimately lose because you have allowed her to let you demonstrate your lack of control. Women love drama and will always attempt to draw you into it with them. This is where they gain their power. Avoid arguments, fights, yelling, and losing your control at all times.

In these situations it all goes back to what I said about respect. If she says something disrespectful or yells at you, then you have to make a stand right there or walk. It is cut and dry. You simply will not be in any relationship where two people treat each other that way. What this means is that you can no longer yell or say disrespectful shyt back to her either. This demonstrates Control. This gains Respect. This gains Confidence. It is a win/win situation for you and everyone. Your fights with your wife are no longer fights. They are serious discussions where you maintain control. Refuse to be drawn into her dramatic behaviour even if she's bawling, battling, or screaming. Her silent treatment is a power trip drawing you further into her control game.

Solution - Change the way you communicate with your wife. Stop arguing, and bickering. Silent treatments come from arguments. They usually end when the "silent one" feels that the other person is admitting to see their side of the argument a little more. Use these moments to express to your wife that you want to improve the way you communicate together. You've done some stupid things and you may have to give a little to get a little on the road back success with her.


More Stuff:

- Do not cheat on your wife. Repeat!!! There may be a divorce or separation looming in your near future and cheating is just going to give her ammunition against you. Your life is already in shambles dude. Focus on fixing. Busting a nut isn't going to fix anything.

- Are these other chicks who want to fvck you hotter than your wife? If so you can use them to create challenge. If you do it subtly and not by cheating. I repeat, very subtly. If your wife is hotter than the other girls then her knowing about them wanting to fvck you works against you in a big way. Especially since you have let yourself go physically. Your wife is looking at you as less attractive already. If she sees you flirting or getting on with a chick of lesser value then it's just more reason to leave you.

- Do something surprising. It doesn't have to be big, or maybe it does. Do something to shake up your wife's perception of you a little bit. A new interest, a surprise outing, a trip out of town, whatever. It could even be you just showing up to give her a hand with something. Little things that make her go hmmm... These are the small things that slowly start the wheels of respect turning in your direction. It has to happen slowly.

- At this point you should avoid "talking" about your relationship problems too much if at all. You need to start "doing" the right things and "showing" her the changes you want to make. Discussing these things will fall on deaf ears. At some point you should apologize for going to her mother but not now.



In Summary

Chuck, from what you've written this may be a long road back and your relationship may not make it at all. However, regardless of what happens relationship-wise, YOU will make it! Remember that!

All the stuff I've written above is about "how things should work". It isn't just the path to fixing your current relationship, but how to fix your future relationships as well. How to succeed with women.

Start filtering the above changes into your life and relationship slowly. A sudden change will most likely see your relationship end. You need to start gaining respect back slowly. Start communicating more and with more respect.

You've basically been doing everything wrong and probably for a long time. It doesn't give your wife reason to treat you badly but relationships are very habitual. If she's been disrespecting you and you've been allowing it then that pattern isn't going to change overnight. If you want to save this, then you are going to have to "eat sh!t" for a little while longer while you turn things around. Remember that at the root of it all YOU are the one to blame for most of these problems. She wasn't a cvnt when you married her right?

Do not cheat on your wife! If anything, use those other girls as a confidence boost to help you get motivated.

Start reading the DJ Bible!!!

Good luck!

Slick

P.S. That "what is an AFC?" line was classic!