Explain this behavior

Alright, I just suffered through a huge let-down, and I'd like to milk this one for what its worth and see if I can learn anything.

The story is essentially this. I get a number from an HB9.5. She sortoff alludes to not wanting to date anyone (red flag), but of course I deflect this and ask her out eventually anyway. She displays interest for my idea (we are Salsa dancers - I suggest we go to a place where they do a wide variety of other ballroom dances which I have some experience in) and she agrees to have me pick her up and take her there the Friday before last.

The date is a smashing success by my standards. The kino is ridiculous, the chemistry is through the roof. She is laughing and having a great time. Afterwards I hold her hand, she skips back to my car, and I kiss her there, It is passionate and wonderful. Before dropping her off, we make out again for a while, and she is leaning over to my side of the car so she can press against me. She abruptly says "I have to go" and breaks it off - I add "yeah, before it gets too out of hand" .

Needless to say, after this Im pretty excited about my prospects with this chick. A lot of the girls I've been with lately I have gotten bored of for one reason or another, and this one really interested me. Not just because she was gorgeous, but I got along with her very well and our personalities seemed to be compatible. The next Monday I text her to see if she is going to go to our mutual Monday night Salsa spot. She texts me Tuesday saying she is hiking in the Adirondacks with her family and doesnt have much service. No problem.

Tonight (a week later). I decide to call her again and ask her out again for Wednesday night, another novel idea involving dancing (that we actually discussed the last time). She declines saying she has plans with her dad that she never sees, but that maybe she will see me tonight at our Monday night Salsa spot. I allude to maybe hanging out this weekend and she says sure.

So tonight I see her. The conversation starts normally enough. Then OUT OF NOWHERE she drops this bomb:

Her: "I owe you an apology"
Me: Intrigued, I dont say anything and I raise my eyebrows
Her: "I think we should just be friends"

Wow. Did NOT see this one coming. Im not sure I have ever experienced such a 180 degree turn in behavior after such a great first date. Incredible. Im not really sure what happened here. Although I have one or two potential explanations, I'd still like some perspective here to see if I went wrong anywhere.

Theories?

Will theories make you feel better? Okay. Her boyfriend wasn't dead. He survived the attack from the taliban and lives in the caves, moving only during the night and drinking goat piss to survive. Finally after everyone had thought he was dead and his funeral services were held, she felt ready to move on with her life. She had just met the most amazing guy, but that night when she got home, who did she see waiting in her livingroom? The man she really loved....

So she called the poor schmoe (you) and told him JUST FRIENDS. The End.

you didn't necessarily do anything wrong as such, but

in general i think this kind of scenario goes something like this

1) making out - its fun, girl likes it or whatever
2) girl goes home
3) dude texts girl, calls girl, texts girl again, emails girl, what are you doing tuesday, how about saturday, yesterday was great by the way, hello, texts, calls, i know this wonderful place we should check out, text, message, call
4) girl is like ohgod this dude is kind of being a bit serious i only met him once, cant really deal with all this right now
5) girls says maybe friends is a better idea

now in your case im not saying you did number 3 and when down the ubiquitous overcontact route, but at same time it looks to me you may have given an impression of overseriousness, or that you might do step 3, and if she has that impression, first thing she's going to do is nip that right in the bud

most cases where the dude thinks "oh man she 180d" they make the mistake of thinking of their own behavior as constant and consistent, but this is actually rarely the case. what is more common is they change their own behavior (but think they haven't) and girls perceived change in behavior is actually a reaction to how dude has changed his (usually some form of overcontact but could be any number of different types of impressions of overseriousness too quickly)


lets spin this around and exaggerate. say you met a really nice girl say twice, first time nothing happens its just normal maybe other people around, then second time she agrees to meet you and its great and you have sex, then she goes home. then all next day you are smiling because that was great, just kind of basking in it - then a text comes, oh its from her - interesting! and it says "last night was amazing i think we should get married asap"

obviously this is an exaggeration example, but you see how she's just kind of ruined it? most dudes do a kind of mini-version of this - then think it is the girl that has changed their behavior just somehow out of the blue

Mahoney, I think you are spot on with this. This is actually my favorite explanation. I believe that even though I tried to not to let it show, my desire for her was actually in plain view all along after the date.

They say on this site that once you are emotionally invested and infatuated you have already lost. I saw this happening to myself a mile away yet still did it anyway. I obviously have much to learn still about how to pull the 9's and 10's consistently, and how to keep my emotions in check.

I guess you live and learn. fvck

Serg897 said:

They say on this site that once you are emotionally invested and infatuated you have already lost.

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well yes but its not being emotionally invested per se [ that is the problem, its being emotionally invested at far too early a stage - and..what is the dude actually invested in? he doesn't know the girl yet so he's not actually invested in her he just thinks he is - what hes actually invested in is some idealized version of her hes created in his head - there's the whole finding-out-about/exploring/getting-to-know stage, which dudes often attempt to completely bypass because they are in such a rush. and, you know, thats really kind of intense and not much fun either

imagine going to a bar - two scenarios

i) spending the evening there, with people, gradually unwinding, having fun, beers in - gradually getting kind of drunk over the course of the night

ii) turning up at bar, ordering a bottle of tequila, down the whole thing as quick as possible, bypassing all the stuff in scenario i

problem a lot of dudes have here is that - to varying degrees - they approach stuff with girls like scenario ii. there's not a problem with being emotionally invested (or drunk) - but to want to get there too fast (or immediately!!) is what pushes a lot of girls away

she was in "state" and was ready for an F close that first night but you went too slow so she came back to her senses and decided that you are not rally her type .. its done

Serg897 said:

The story is essentially this. I get a number from an HB9.5. She sortoff alludes to not wanting to date anyone (red flag), but of course I deflect this and ask her out eventually anyway.

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And at that point you should've come back with "Whoah, hold your horses there sweetheart! Who says I want to date you!? ", taken back the invitation and nexted her, as she wasn't interested.

"I'm not interested in dating anyone" is womanese for "I'm not interested in dating... YOU!"

vatoloco said:

"I'm not interested in dating anyone" is womanese for "I'm not interested in dating... YOU!"

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while this may well be true, i have had physical relationships where the girl has been quite clear she is not looking to have "a relationship" - a lot of those inbetween type things are kind of like, in my experience at least

Women may fuck you but that doesn't mean they want a relationship with you. Sometimes they just want/need a good pounding and are willing and able to get it from a guy they're [moderately] attracted to but, whom they may or may not want a romantic relationship with.

Yeah, women. They're fucking nuts!

vatoloco said:

And at that point you should've come back with "Whoah, hold your horses there sweetheart! Who says I want to date you!? ", taken back the invitation and nexted her, as she wasn't interested.

"I'm not interested in dating anyone" is womanese for "I'm not interested in dating... YOU!"

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She wouldn't drop this line to Brad Pitt

She's not into you. or keep her as a friend, and start wheeling her friends.

Hahaha, F close the first night. Im not sure that is always the way to go although its happened before. To say that this is the reason why this happened though seems unjustified. I've had plenty of first dates that just end with simple kisses, or nothing at all, that then lead to sexual relationships later.

Vatocolo, your point is well taken. That could have easily been my first and most important mistake. Thats why I included that detail in the first post - it is probably a crucial one. Sometimes, though, I dont take women on their word .

I was just extremely surprised that this happened and in a daze decided to post here last night. I dont think I came on THAT strong, although of course there were some subtle hints that I wanted to take it further.

I think my primary mistake was one of inner game. This statement in particular by mahoney is gold:

well yes but its not being emotionally invested per se [ that is the problem, its being emotionally invested at far too early a stage - and..what is the dude actually invested in? he doesn't know the girl yet so he's not actually invested in her he just thinks he is - what hes actually invested in is some idealized version of her hes created in his head - there's the whole finding-out-about/exploring/getting-to-know stage, which dudes often attempt to completely bypass because they are in such a rush. and, you know, thats really kind of intense and not much fun either


Looks like I completely forgot this in the moment, fellas. This is why the LJBF hit me so hard and killed my mood. Will try not to do this again in the future - Im currently in the process of setting up a similar date with another girl, HB7. Hopefully this one will improve my mood!

when a girl LJBF's you, it means i'm not attracted to you. in your case, i'm not attracted to you anymore. so you def did something to screw it up. i agree with some of the previous posts, i think you made yourself look desperate, needy, and way too available. in other words, no challenge, by continuing to ask her out. i'm a serial texter and this a habit that i'm trying to break myself. what helps me is to only send her funny text messages that dont require a response form her at first. or something that will bait a response. something like, "omg the craziest thiong just happened!" if she's not interested she probably wont respond anyway, then you can weed those away. also instead of asking her out, tell her where you are already going to be without inviting her. ex: "i'm going to x bar with friends tonight." if she's interested she will make it a priority to show up.