The Myths of Love

This is a topic I think needs to be covered when I see dudes with 1,000+ posts making the most cardinal mistakes in the book. I'm talking about the "L" word folks. Too many of you are using it lightly and it's messing you up in ways you are not aware of.

Before we can elaborate on the true nature of love, we must first dispel some common myth-conceptions.

Phase 1 - LUST - You are f*cking a girl. The sex is good, you get along and feel on top of the world! Hate to burst your bubble but this aint love.. yet. Stop getting it twisted people. Guys nowadays put p*ssy on such a high pedestal that they will worship it once it is attained, but once again, vaginal access is NOT love!

Phase 2 - INFATUATION - You have been dating this girl for 2-4 months and you really dig each other. You are both into the same things and really enjoy each other's company, in and outside of the bedroom. This HAS to be love right? WRONG!!! You are still in the infatuation phase, and have a lot to learn about each other before you can reach that plateau.

Phase 3 - IDEALISM - You can even be with a girl for 6 months and STILL not love her truly. This is because it's basic human nature to always put your best foot forward to potential mates/LTRs. In my experience it takes a minimum of 7-10 months for the other shoe to drop. This is usually when people get comfortable enough to let their flaws show. It also gives them ample time to demonstrate loyalty, trustworthiness and all the other things that constitute actual love.

So if lust, infatuation and idealism are not love what is this thing that people are so eager to shout from their rooftops and dance in the streets over?

Love: A Definition
Love is an open, harmonious transfer of positive energy between two attracted sentient beings. It is the basis of all existence. The only reason you live and breathe is because the cells in your body are in love with each other. They all contribute freely to a system, creating an environment which can sustain life.

The key word here is TRANSFER. Love is not a one-way street. Both people have to be giving and receiving in order for it to bloom. You can be the most unselfish person in the world and sacrifice everything you have for a woman, but it's not love unless she's doing the same for you. It goes both ways.

Love is never perfect - it has moments of illness/weakness that afflict the very best of us. However, unlike what most people believe, it is NOT complicated. Real love actually makes your life easier, not harder. If every day with your partner is a challenge or conflict, then you are confusing emotional intensity for love. You are doing it wrong

Love starts from within. If you don't know happiness and fulfillment alone, then you will never fully experience love. In order to contribute to the system you need to come packed with your own resources. Otherwise you run the risk of being in a codependent, parasitical relationship with someone who is just as lost as you are.

Love treats you the way it wants to be treated. It's a true, deep mutual acceptance of each other's personal tastes, beliefs and boundaries.

Love takes TIME. As the basis of life we should model the patterns we see around us. You don't see a gardener yelling at his plants to grow faster, or trying to sell you tiny green tomatoes that haven't ripened yet. This organic process is gradual, and quite beautiful once you learn to relax and enjoy it at its natural pace. Yes I know we want it all and we want it now, but that's really not how the world works.

Premature Emasculation
Too many of us are content to be with someone who is good-looking and puts out regularly. That is some pretty shoddy criteria for love if you ask me. I'm not saying we should subscribe to hollywood fantasies of romance, or try to find the "Perfect Girl", but we should have SOME standards aside from good genetics and accessibility. For f*cks sake I've seen monkeys screen their mates better than some people I know.

Because of this, too many of us are dropping the "L" bomb prematurely instead of making women EARN that sh*t. This is the emotional equivalent of shooting your load too soon.

If you really want to get a woman's juices flowing you need to be patient. Let her be the first to say it and respond with "I think you're awesome too". If she prods (oh, and she will!) you can give her some real talk - let her know that love is not the kind of thing that happens overnight for you. Reassure her that everything happens for a reason, and you are happy that destiny brought you together, and proceed to f*ck her brains out to hit the point home.

I'm just sayin: Let that pot stew to a slow boil - it will make it even more special when you serve that love dish up.

When to say it
Assuming that you have both had time to really know each other and this woman has consistently proven to be a SOLDIER in your corner, it's time to let her know how you feel. But don't get too giddy with this word - it's like plutonium and can do just as much harm as good.

The L word works best within a paradigm of POSITIVE reinforcement. Say she's been thinking about you all day and went out and bought you a little surprise. That's a good moment to say it. Or maybe she sees you are stressing out and does her best to make your life easier (run errands, handle phone calls, give you a massage). Basically whenever she goes out of her way to please you, is a good time.

Be careful with overuse. Words can quickly lose their power if repeated too often. She should know your love by how you ACT more than how you speak.

Now let's flip this coin. Say you catch her straying or doing something shady, saying "I love you" is not going to reel her back in. Doing this just gives her a free pass to act out because on a certain level you are rewarding her bad behavior. It's like giving your dog a treat while he is sh*tting on your rug.

All too often men will try to use love as leverage to get their way when their women are doing something they don't like. This is just as bad as a woman using sex as a bargaining chip. Love doesn't need to negotiate or do business. It's either there or it's not.

Conclusion
I hope this message has hit home for some of you. The collective infatuation people have with love has become somewhat of an epidemic and I perceive it as a symptom of many souls in crisis, seeking placation. It's much easier to find a source of satisfaction outside yourself, than it is to build a core of fulfillment within which you can then share consciously.

I think it's pretty obvious which of the two is more healthy.

just read this and thought it at least deserved a bump!

good post in my opinion

Razor Sharp said:

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You start well, but go completely overboard later on. You pretend as if there could be a strict scientific definition of love. bullsh!t..

The bottom line is, love's a physiological response and it can WELL BE TRIGGERED by mere vaginal access, too !

What makes you think your simplistic (sometimes idiotic, "my cells in my body are in love with each other, OH REALLY?) definitions are universally true? Your "feelings of LOVE" could well be replicated in different contexts, and forms in the brains of other people .. Isn't it conceited that you can make a square lame-as5 definition for what everyone feels, or must feel? I classify LOVE as cuddling with a girl with no expectations, after having sex with her in my bed, 3 AM in the morning, on a winter night. That's love to me. That's my definition. Now if you are going to be all "psychological" or "physiological" and act as if you are Mr. Phil Zimbardo and challenge my understanding of love then there are TWO routes here.

1) To completely bust the myth of love and to undermine the popular meanings and usually exaggerated ideas associated with it and realize the concept of love is overrated in our society and it must be avoided in a rational setting because of its subjectivity and then shut up,
OR
2) To recognize that "love" can be loosely defined as a set of physiological responses and that whatever tingles that "reward pathway" is then, what an individual feels, and thus can be classified as "LOVE".

You take one of these mutually exclusive routes and then you have a self-consistent argument. But you can't start with (2) and then pepper in some parts of (1) and claim that you have figured it all.

How can you even distinguish the difference between VAGINA access and some weak pop-art definition of "TIME SPENT TOGETHER" PLUS vagina access as two different phases of love? What's the reference point here? Your guts?

Subjectively you can belabor however you like -- but don't come around and try to preach the masses by these mixed and confused definitions.

But if your aim was to mix your own lame memories plus the accepted social dogmas (perpetuated with Jennifer Aniston movies) to scramble an essay like this, I have nothing against it.

But please don't pretend like what you write here is worth any more than what you vehemently object in the beginning of your "article".

BoilerMan

This post was aimed at a good 70% of posters here, who get balls deep in something pretty and think that it's "love" right off the bat. People throw that term around too freely without really understanding what it means, or as a justification for tolerating bullsh*t. My message to them is to make her earn their love/trust. Don't get blinded by sex/endorphins and throw the best years of your life to the first hoe that puts out.

I have to disagree with your take on love. To me it's way more than just a physical sensation of cuddling after sex. It's the whole picture - the time spent between lays - the type of sh*t we did together, the things we've learned - rough times we got through with mutual support. THAT's how a b*tch earns her stripes, not just by letting me hit it. In fact that whole premise is f*cking retarded. "Let me" hit it.. as if she's the one doing favors here.

"love" can be loosely defined as a set of physiological responses and whatever tingles that "reward pathway" is then, what an individual feels as, and thus can be classified as "LOVE".

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By that logic a woman who endures beatings from her man is in love, because she's getting that reward of flowers and affection after getting her face caved in. The man is also in love, because he gets to recreate the patterns of his childhood and commit daily assaults without going to jail. It's win-win!

You say love can't be defined. I say that it must or you will just play any hand you are dealt. At some point a man has to have his boundaries and standards because either women will walk all over him, or he will latch onto the first psycho/loser/dud who spreads her cheeks.

The only antidote against premature settling/entrapment is discernment. Kind of hard to have that working in your favor if you are celebrating your two week anniversary and you already think she's "The One".

Caveat emptor folks. Caveat f*cking emptor.

Razor Sharp said:

Conclusion
I hope this message has hit home for some of you. The collective infatuation people have with love has become somewhat of an epidemic and I perceive it as a symptom of many souls in crisis, seeking placation. It's much easier to find a source of satisfaction outside yourself, than it is to build a core of fulfillment within which you can then share consciously.

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THERE'S the word that's absent from the modern relationship.

I hear all the time this BS about, "Love is about compromise, love is about give-and-take, etc..." That hits all around the point, but misses it. Love is about SHARING. And as you said, you have to have something to share with HER, and she has to have something to share with YOU.

Think of the covalent molecular bond...carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, each atom with its distinct nucleus but bonded by the sharing of electrons...it's the basis for all organic compounds, for life itself.

That's what I'm sayin!

It's worthing adding that for anything resembling an LTR, my primary screening criteria is EXACTLY this. She must be a giver, not a taker. She has to look out for her friends, do favors without asking and generally receive great satisfaction from simple acts of kindness. If its just a lay I dont care as much, but anyone thats gonna be around me for a solid chunk of time better be a f*cking team player!

Sadly, in a society of entitlement, whose only mantra is "me first!", it is truly rare to find these types of individuals. For some reason I get this a LOT in suburbia and middle america. I'm not sure if its the consumer culture, or the bland monotony of the settings but b*tches from these burbs and small towns really think the world owes them a favor, and offer very little in return.

True you see this everywhere, but in cultural centers like big cities, (or even diverse small communities) your chances are way better of meeting like-minded people. I left the burbs when I was 16 and never looked back - it's Hell, but with picket fences, lawns and blank stares of people caught in a system they didn't sign up for.

That's what I'm sayin!

It's worthing adding that for anything resembling an LTR, my primary screening criteria is EXACTLY this. She must be a giver, not a taker. She has to look out for her friends, do favors without asking and generally receive great satisfaction from simple acts of kindness. If its just a lay I dont care as much, but anyone thats gonna be around me for a solid chunk of time better be a f*cking team player!

Sadly, in a society of entitlement, whose only mantra is "me first!", it is truly rare to find these types of individuals. For some reason I get this a LOT in suburbia and middle america. I'm not sure if its the consumer culture, or the bland monotony of the settings but b*tches from these burbs and small towns really think the world owes them a favor, and offer very little in return.

True you see this everywhere, but in cultural centers like big cities, (or even diverse small communities) your chances are way better of meeting like-minded people. I left the burbs when I was 16 and never looked back - it's Hell, but with picket fences, lawns and blank stares of people caught in a system which conflicts with everything that makes them human.