How Can I Save My Marriage

I have been with my wife for 7 years now and we have a 6 year old son. We've had our problems from the start, mainly due to her and my family never getting along. The worst part came 3 years ago, when we were arrested for selling a house to an employee of my Mom's company who then lied and said her identity was stolen. After 200K + in legal fees and bail money, with no actual evidence against us, they finally dropped the charges last month, but we are now flat broke.

During the past 3 years I have made 15k+ per month playing poker on the internet, and this has allowed me to pay for all the fees we have encountered as well as our 10k+ per month living expenses. However, this past month, I started out losing 10k and had to redeposit from our bank account. A day later, she withdrew 10k and put it into her own account. She told me I have a gambling problem and doesnt want me to lose it all, which is the stupidest thing she can say because I have made 300k+ playing poker. We fought that night because I was really mad she would do such a thing, however, the following morning she was nice again and we "cuddled" for about an hour in the morning. She went off to the salon, and when she was back, she was a complete ***** again even though I had done nothing to set her off. Since then, I have decided not to speak to her at all until she apoligizes for her behavior. It has been 4 days and we haven't spoken again unless it's matters related to my son.

She has mentioned divorce about 3 months ago, but I called her out on it and made an appointment to a divorce lawyer the next day. She showed up and said she wasn't ready for divorce. We tried marriage counseling instead. Things were good for about a month, but now she is back to being cold and unaffectionate again.

I feel that only reason she didn't go for the divorce is because she would not be ready for it financially. She is getting her medical assistant degree now, and I think that she feels she'll be able to be a single mom like her idiot friend whom she constantly talks to.

I have made many mistakes during our marriage, including supplicating for sex, and always giving her the security that I would never cheat on her. She got into the habit of only giving me sex about twice per month, and for the past 2 months I have not gotten sex at all. I also always provided for her in excess and gave her anything she wanted without getting anything back in return.

Is there anything that can be done at this point to salvage the marriage, or is it time to start planning my life without her? I would love to make it work with her, especially because we have a son whom we both adore and she is a great mother.

Miamidad81 said:

I have been with my wife for 7 years now and we have a 6 year old son. We've had our problems from the start, mainly due to her and my family never getting along. The worst part came 3 years ago, when we were arrested for selling a house to an employee of my Mom's company who then lied and said her identity was stolen. After 200K + in legal fees and bail money, with no actual evidence against us, they finally dropped the charges last month, but we are now flat broke.

During the past 3 years I have made 15k+ per month playing poker on the internet, and this has allowed me to pay for all the fees we have encountered as well as our 10k+ per month living expenses. However, this past month, I started out losing 10k and had to redeposit from our bank account. A day later, she withdrew 10k and put it into her own account. She told me I have a gambling problem and doesnt want me to lose it all, which is the stupidest thing she can say because I have made 300k+ playing poker. We fought that night because I was really mad she would do such a thing, however, the following morning she was nice again and we "cuddled" for about an hour in the morning. She went off to the salon, and when she was back, she was a complete ***** again even though I had done nothing to set her off. Since then, I have decided not to speak to her at all until she apoligizes for her behavior. It has been 4 days and we haven't spoken again unless it's matters related to my son.

She has mentioned divorce about 3 months ago, but I called her out on it and made an appointment to a divorce lawyer the next day. She showed up and said she wasn't ready for divorce. We tried marriage counseling instead. Things were good for about a month, but now she is back to being cold and unaffectionate again.

I feel that only reason she didn't go for the divorce is because she would not be ready for it financially. She is getting her medical assistant degree now, and I think that she feels she'll be able to be a single mom like her idiot friend whom she constantly talks to.

I have made many mistakes during our marriage, including supplicating for sex, and always giving her the security that I would never cheat on her. She got into the habit of only giving me sex about twice per month, and for the past 2 months I have not gotten sex at all. I also always provided for her in excess and gave her anything she wanted without getting anything back in return.

Is there anything that can be done at this point to salvage the marriage, or is it time to start planning my life without her? I would love to make it work with her, especially because we have a son whom we both adore and she is a great mother.

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I was going to only quote the parts of your post that made you look like a total PVSSY, and then I realized that I need to quote the whole thing!!

Strike 1 - She suggested divorce.....at that point you should have been OUT, like a MAN, but instead you stayed like a peice of shyt for an excuse of a man!!!

Strike 2 - You say that you want to stay together for the sake of the son.........listen, have you ever heard of "let's hold off on kids until we make sure this is a good marriage"??? NO, INSTEAD YOU DECIDED TO HAVE A GODDAMN CHILD IN WHAT SEEMS LIKE THE FIRST FEW MONTHS OF YOUR MARRIAGE!!!! Staying married when you obviously have no business being married is WRONG, its STUPID, its RETARDED, its RIDICULOUS.....don't try to bring the kid into this to make your marriage look like it is worth staying in......you are a MORON!!

Strike 3 - She is NOT a great mother, because she is a horrible WIFE - the 2 go hand in hand together....if the mother does not know how to treat the father of the child right, then she is not a good mother by default!!!!. This whole concept of your wife being nice to you and rewarding you with cuddling.........*****ing about you gambling.....do you realize, that your wife is supposed to be nice to you 100% of the time, NO QUESTIONS ASKED!!!!

You are a pvssy, you are a total chump that is the MAIN reason that marriage does not work in this society.....you let all this go on and you do nothing about it. You are a disgusting terrible excuse for a man!!!!!!!!!!!

NOW GO ****ING DIVORCE THIS CVNT OF A WIFE, AND START ENJOYING YOUR NEWLY-FOUND FREEDOM AS THE MAN THAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE!!

love ya

Yeah I figured this was coming. Thanks for the kick in the ass. I am thinking I really gotta go through with it, but I've been with this person forever it seems, and it's hard to imagine my life without her.

Start hiding some of your poker winnings-you'll need it to pay your lawyer. Get the cash out of your house if possible-she may call the cops on some trumped up charges and you are OUT. Get a mailbox and a new credit card. Cancell your old ones-so she can't rack up bills YOU have to pay[as the only one with income].
Net time you hear I want a divorce, SMILE and tell her"good I'm GLAD you want the divorce" Let her think she can be replaced in a day-you can. Read "screw the b1tch" put out by Palladin Press for more. BUT don't sit around WAITING until SHE'S ready to file on you. You'll come home to an empty checking account and house.
Get the stuff you'd like to keep-pictures,guns etc out now-so they don't get "lost by the movers"
When a MARRIED woman hangs with unmarried women,they poison her against her husband-so she can share their "happiness"

Miamidad81 said:

Yeah I figured this was coming. Thanks for the kick in the ass. I am thinking I really gotta go through with it, but I've been with this person forever it seems, and it's hard to imagine my life without her.

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I missed the part where you said she has literally taken money from you, AND that you pay for everything!!!

Other than having longevity on her side, is there anything, as a wife, that she is good for?

You can keep holding your hand over a flame for 10 years straight, and it will hurt you for 10 years but you will get used to the pain.....but little did you know that if you moved your hand away from the flame, you will end up pain-free and happy. You WILL feel bad about being STUPID enough to hold your hand over a flame that long and think that this was a smart thing to do, but you now have the rest of your beautiful freedom-filled life to look forward to!!!!!

Do the right thing......it's as simple as this - if there is no love or happiness, then there is no reason to be married, period. End of discussion.

how can I save my marriage?

You can't

This is exactly how my marriage also ended. I turned into a supplicating p*ssy as well. Take sodbuster's advice and accept next time she asks for one.

It's over - accept it and start a new life.

"She got into the habit of only giving me sex about twice per month, and for the past 2 months I have not gotten sex at all. I also always provided for her in excess and gave her anything she wanted without getting anything back in return".

This does not a happy marriage make.

Though in all fairness your not without your problems.

Using poker to survive? If I was your wife, i'd be pis*ed.

But still in relation to the fact you get little sex, it seems you pay for everything without getting anything back and your clearly getting grief rather than support - Yep the cards are falling.

Sorry dude.

Wish I could offer you advice, but think about this; What is your wife doing to change her ways?

Maybe you should go get some marriage counselling, for starters, at the very least, before you walk you should make your feelings known - for starters telling random guys on a forum is all well and good, but if you had a pair, no offence, you'd have challanged this behaviour from your wife along time ago and probably reached a compromise, if a compromise isn't going to happen, then the marriage is doomed.

But I suspect the rot has settled to be cleaned out now.

Edit - also not wanting sex for 2 months to me is a huge red flag, even women with low sex drives want some - I'd be questioning if she is getting it elsewhere - it is clear her support for you, stretches to a cuddle.

In all fairness, i'd label you a chump for putting up with this shi* for so long, is this how you want to live out your life?

And a question you need to ask yourself is:

What are you holding on for?

And don't say your son, that is a cop out.

I will predict she is hanging on till she gets her degree and as soon has the paper is in her hand, she will be pushing for divorce, after all she isn't going to kill her golden goose whilst she needs the eggs is she?!

You're supposed to be best friends with your wife. You two look like enemies. Do what's best, but don't ever fight with your wife when your son is home. Don't make him suffer for this mess.

I agree with the guys advice:
*Get a secret P.O. Box
*New credit cards sent to the P.O.Box
*Secret Bank account with money stashed in it.

And I'll add a new one: Spend time with your son, LOTS of time! If she's like most "emotionally unfullfilled" wives she'll try to get all the custody, alimony AND child support for her self. Get ready to FIGHT for the custody of your son!

If your parents don't like her, that's a point in your favor! Nothing sways a judge faster than a teary-eyed grandma up on the stand telling about your wife's new slutty friends, their drunken parties and the parade of "strange men" she has coming to the house. (NOT a good environment for Junior!)

Make sure there ia a "morality" clause in the custody papers. If she or her friends smoke, drink or have sleep-overs infront of your son you can use this against her.

Contact Ladies Man here in this site. He went through the same thing a few months ago & can tell you what you're getting into!

Oh! And find a new job. Playing internet poker for a living does NOT look good on your resume!!!!!!!

I talked to her last night, and told her we need to prepare for our seperation since this is not working out. She didn't give any resistance to the idea. When she said why she is unhappy, she keeps bringing up an incident with my mom at the start of our relationship when she was pregnant, where my mom , out of jealousy and narcisistic tendencies, called her a ***** who was only with me for my money (I didn't have much back then). I cursed my mom out that day and didn't speak to her for 3 months, but she is my mother, and we reconciled. In my wife's eyes, I did not do enough to defend her or put my Mom in her place (which isn't true because I did).

My mom was also the reason we got arrested 3 years ago, but again that was something I had no control over.

I wish she would say she is not attracted to me anymore, or that she is seeing someone else, and not say this, because it makes no sense to throw away a marriage over something I had 0 fault in. My mom has also been out of the picture for 2 years now.

When we went to counseling 3 months ago, we talked about her issues with my mom, and she was supposed to try and supress those feelings of anger, as well as give me more sex and be more affectionate. In the end, she only did this for a month before things went back to how they were before and she would randomly become cold and unaffectionate.

Should I bring up counseling as an option again? The reason I want to stay with her is because I still love her, and we have gone through a lot together and have had many happy moments. She has been my best friend for the past 7 years, and there's never been any anymosity towards each other.

I talked to her last night, and told her we need to prepare for our seperation since this is not working out.

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I think you made a big mistake initiating a seperation. You should be stalling for time while you are squirreling away cash. Most women will not be satisfied with a seperation, they will want the divorce because that's where the cash prize is.

The real problem is that you have a child with her, which means you are going to be paying child support. It's only honorable that you support your son. The problem is you'll actually be paying to help support her as well. Might as well get used to the idea. I've seen an awfully lot of guys left without enough money to live a halfway decent lifestyle, because of all the money they have to pay out in support. I'm honestly not sure what the judge will think about your relying on poker for income.

As for counseling, it only makes things worse IMO.

Miamidad81 said:

I talked to her last night, and told her we need to prepare for our seperation since this is not working out. She didn't give any resistance to the idea. When she said why she is unhappy, she keeps bringing up an incident with my mom at the start of our relationship when she was pregnant, where my mom , out of jealousy and narcisistic tendencies, called her a ***** who was only with me for my money (I didn't have much back then). I cursed my mom out that day and didn't speak to her for 3 months, but she is my mother, and we reconciled. In my wife's eyes, I did not do enough to defend her or put my Mom in her place (which isn't true because I did).

My mom was also the reason we got arrested 3 years ago, but again that was something I had no control over.

I wish she would say she is not attracted to me anymore, or that she is seeing someone else, and not say this, because it makes no sense to throw away a marriage over something I had 0 fault in. My mom has also been out of the picture for 2 years now.

When we went to counseling 3 months ago, we talked about her issues with my mom, and she was supposed to try and supress those feelings of anger, as well as give me more sex and be more affectionate. In the end, she only did this for a month before things went back to how they were before and she would randomly become cold and unaffectionate.

Should I bring up counseling as an option again? The reason I want to stay with her is because I still love her, and we have gone through a lot together and have had many happy moments. She has been my best friend for the past 7 years, and there's never been any anymosity towards each other.

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Her words don't mean anything. The reasons she gives are all trivial. You can't expect an honest explanation, because that will never happen. Even she probably does not understand her feelings well enough to explain them.

I remember trying to "save" my own marriage. Mostly I just didn't want to feel like a failure, and getting divorced made me feel that way. Men hate losing. But once things get this bad, there is nothing left to save.

I can't tell you how to save your marriage, but I can beg you to teach me how to make that kind of cheese in poker.

If it's completely done...there is nothing you can do..but if you guys can reconcile...try doing what this guy did.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=172049

Danger said:

Do you have a life of fun outside of this marriage?

Does she have any kind of anxiety that other women want you?

As Rollo often says, you cannot negotiate desire, and counseling will NEVER make a woman want to actually BE with you.

I would say the root of your problem is that you gave up your individuality to become part of a couple. She has lost her sexual attraction for you as a result.....which leads to many of these other problems.

At some point, you became someone she could depend on to always be there and NOT the person that gave her the gina tingle like you hopefully once used to.

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I think you hit it on the nail. I don't have a social life outside of our marriage and family, and I probably don't give her anxiety that other women would want me because I work from home on the computer. I've been a workaholic this whole time thinking if I can provide enough for the family that is enough to keep the wife happy. I do go to the gym every day and am in great shape, but I definitely think she has lost her attraction towards me. At this point I will hold my course with the seperation and whatever happens will happen.

She might be screwing around on you. I wouldn't be surprised if she is... Even if she isn't fvc.king another guy, she is emotionally cheating on you by not being 100% comitted to you... She's basically being a bi-polar lunatic that is making your life stressful and full of anxiety... You need to divorce her, and stop trying to FIX something just for the sake of your own ego/pride/ideals. Let go of the idea of fixing this relationship IMMEDIATELY, be done with it, start learning from your mistakes and taking 100% responsibility for how you go forward... What we're all saying here is basically the same thing....

1. Spend more time with your son to increase your bond/chances of custody/etc.

2. Private PO Box. Get one today or tomorrow.

3. Private credit cards to that PO Box.

4. Start getting cash out of your bank account asap... Do it via the grocery store if you have to, using the "Cash back" option to get an extra 60-100 each time you go. Keep it somewhere safe that she doesn't know about.

5. Get rid of the feelings of guilt or remorse for any action you do to improve the quality of your life and your sons future... Don't feel bad if she cries, whines or tries to manipulate you..

6. Do not take any of her words to be 100% truth. Do not believe that what she says is actually what she means. Take her words with a grain of salt, she is very likely not giving you the whole truth or even partial truth on a lot of things...

7. Her holding onto a resentment for 6-7 years is her issue, not yours. That kind of unhealthy mental state is the sign of an actual mental disorder. I'm being serious. I would be willing to bet she has actual psychological/mental disorder-like tendencies. I've spent 6 years in the healing field and have seen a lot of similar problems with people who hold onto anger/resentments for that long... It's not normal.

8. Start talking to a divorce lawyer immediately about your plan. Get their advice asap.

9. Calculate what you need to do in order to financially support yourself and your son if you seperate in the next 30-45 days.

10. Start thinking about moving her out or moving yourself out very soon, and logistically how to do it.

11. Keep us posted and we'll keep giving you the best suggestions we can.

Much love and good luck in your situation.

I'm going to hit this from the other side. Why in the hell would she ever want to stay with you (hint: it's the kid but more on that later)?

Let's see, your primary source of income is gambling. This does not equal security for most women (or men).

Sure, it's great when you're up but when you're down and taking money from savings about 99.9% of women (and men) in this situation will become highly insecure.

And you mention the nearly $200K in losses due to court battles which are in some way related to your side of the family.

I'll get to my point. You have no life outside of home, if you did you would be providing the healthy bits of insecurity that she needs (wondering why you're late, knowing you work around other desireable women, etc). Plus, where she is seeking a healthy feeling of security w/r to your family and home, she probably senses little or none because of how easily money is lost via you and your side of the family. The fact you pokered your way out of the red is cool - but there's no way that made her desire you any more. Just think up $300K playing poker and you barely got laid. But when you dropped just $10K (and visited the bank) she gets really spooked, stashes money and cuts off all intimacy.

There are two sides to every story and in your case it is very very hard for me to say "yeah, divorce her - all women suck get what you can". From what I can gather you have never really provided for her in any way that made her truly feel secure. I'm going to be even more harsh - I think the real (only) reason you posted is because you're not getting s3x right now.

Final thoughts. It took until the end of your OP to even mention how worried you are about your kid in all of this Maybe you should be giving some serious thought to how you're preparing him to be a man - sitting home all day playing poker, risking important savings and being a supplicating chump to your wife is not (and never was) going to help him. Sure, the guys here will tell you she's the problem, the gambling thing is cool and how best to eject from the marriage. But for all we know, you and/or your family could be totally fvcked when it comes to managing finances. In this case, I wouldn't be at all surprised if the judge gives her full custody of your kid and awards her more than you expect. You asked about saving your marriage, why not take this money and carefully and methodically start and grow a decent company. Meanwhile, get out and do other things and spend time away from the computer and your wife. You'd be teaching your son to take charge of his life and to get out and live it. Your wife will feel secure (financially) and be allowed to wonder about you again (healthy insecurity). When she feels secure again, you'll be getting it left and right.

ps. BeyondCharm, I highly disagree with your assessment regarding the wife being Bi-Polar and possibly cheating - definitely not enough info to suspect either of those from what the OP has posted so far (anything is possible but not nowhere near enough indicators IMO).

Sinistar,

You may be correct. I could be wrong. Either way, she mentioned divorce 3 months ago. It sounds like he's miserable with her and she with him.

I do agree that he's probably not getting any s3x like he wants and so he's looking to bail.

How much money do you have on hand? If you have about 100,000 USD or more, start looking immediately into a private banker (with a legit company, like JP Morgan, Credit Suisse, ect., not some fly by night gig). Explain the situation to them, they've heard it all before and are professionals, and get an offshore account.

If you don't have that much on hand (not many of us do), you'll have to do things manually, but seriously, get an account where nobody can find the funds. Another option: buy a lot of gold coins, open an account at some bank with whatever is enough of a balance to get a safe deposit box, and then lock up the coins in there.

Last night, I confronted her about the $10k she took from our joint account. I demanded that she put it back immediately because what she did was steal from me. She refuses, and says in a divorce she'd get half anyways so she feels entitled to it. I got furious at her for being a backstabbing *****, and we got into a heated argument. She left the house last night to go stay at her Mom's house.

Her mom is actually on my side in all of this. She says her daughter has just gone through some trauma and doesn't know how to react. Her daughter also mentioned she feels insecure in our marriage.


As far as my provider role goes, she's always had anything she needs + everything she doesn't. I have never put our entire money at risk when I play poker, but the fact is I need money to make money. If worst case scenario comes I have been able to borrow money before from other poker players who "stake" me and get half of my profits. Her allegations over my "gambling" problem are completely unjustified.

I will have to go see a divorce attorney asap now because her actions are that of my enemy, not my wife.

Miamidad81 said:

her actions are that of my enemy, not my wife.

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What took you so long ?