Self Realization: I have no game

I always thought to myself, "Just wait Jokerlsk. You're happy, you don't need a girl to give you anything you don't already have. Just be yourself and focus on the things that matter." It's actually very hard to explain my personality. I know I'm social, I know I'm well liked, i'm fairly popular (if not popular.) I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm goofy, I'm charismatic. I'm unatheletic, I'm not in good shape (I'm not skinny, but i'm not fat, I'm just average), and I lack confidence when it comes to looks and stuff, but that doesn't hinder me from making friends. In a nutshell, I'm that kid who's friends with everyone.

I've got a ton of guy friends. I go out every weekend and have a great time. I have a lot of (girl) friends as well. They're really chill, but if you guys are like me, sometimes you just wanna chill with your bros. I never make a move and this sounds really pathetic, but I'm not sure I know how. People say, "It's natural" but I feel like I've suppressed that side of me. I've always been just a good kid, and from day one, i was primed to be an AFC. I admit I'm an afc. I put girls on a pedestal on a daily basis. I tell myself, "Why would she go for a guy like me?" or, "Why bother?" That selfdefeating attitude is what's made me this way. In essence I'm the root of my own failure. I am my own weakness.

Every relationship I have with people in general is impersonal. I have the confidence to talk to people, but I don't have the confidence to escalate to anything more, and I really am sick and tired of it. Because of this portrayal, girls think to themselves, "Wow, Jokerlsk is a really nice guy. I can go and drop my baggage off at his front door." I'm a friendly guy. I'm always smiling, I walk looking the world right in the face, I really am confident..... Until a girl is factored into the equation. The moment a girl gets involved all my conditioning is triggered and I go from a confident guy to a complete chump. I trip over myself, I become awkward because i don't know what I'm doing. I screw up. Over and over and over and over and over and over. When I take a test and I miss a problem. I go back and i study the problem and i never miss that problem again. I always remember. I want to solve this problem. I'm sick and tired of just failing. It's not even trial and error because I give up before i give myself a chance. Girls tell me, "Jokerlsk, you're the type of guy I want to marry." Basically that means, "Hey when i'm 30 and single with 3 kids out of wedlock i'll give ya a shot!" No. I refuse.

Today I had to film something for a project and this really hot senior was in my group. We had to act like we were dating and I've never had a situation even close to that. It was like a fake date, and I've never been on a real date so I kept tripping and tripping and tripping over myself. Firstly, I put her on a pedestal, secondly I lost everything that makes me a 'great catch.' My confidence, my charisma, my personality. I lost all of it because I was intimidated. I let some chick intimidate me. Who the **** am I? I told myself today that I don't deserve a penis. I need to ****ing earn it. I wish God would temporarily rid me of it until I earn it. Most people on here learn from their mistakes, but my mistake is that I don't let myself make mistakes. I need advice. I need to get this right. I need to fix things.

I know exactly how you feel. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't there. What you're basically doing is taking the idea of "women" and turning it into something that is imaginary; the way you conceive of women in your mind is not the reality that women are. You yourself admit to putting women on pedestals and losing all of your redeeming qualities in pursuing them. Why? Because you are viewing them as something they are not; you are viewing them as more valuable and more powerful than they actually are.

You yourself have already consciously admitted that you do this when you said you put women on a pedestal. So your brain (at least the logical part of it) is already where you need to be. The problem is that in order to get where you're at you not only have to change your behavior, but you also must change your overall way of thinking and feeling about women. This is where the difficulty lies.

I think you're getting overwhelmed. I know that when I first started all this stuff I was always thinking about the end goal: the future, a relationship, figuring out how to have sex with her, or maybe even just kiss her, etc... I was so wrapped up in the future that it would overwhelm me and I wouldn't be able to deal with it in the present. You need to stop thinking about the future, stop worrying if she's attracted or when to make the next move or what could happen later on and just be yourself. Live in the present. Realize that you're around this girl and you might not even ever see her again, and that if you do it's just going to be the same as this one time that you're with her.

Are you happy with yourself? This I think is the question you have to deal with head on. If you're happy with yourself, then what does it matter what this girl (and by "this girl" I mean any random girl) thinks of you? What is going to happen? The absolute worst that will happen is that she doesn't like you. So what? If you're happy with yourself then you'll just be where you're at still and it won't matter to you.

Getting around this really is tricky because you aren't happy with yourself particularly because of your insecurities with women. I think Pook said it best when he said that you (or anyone that thinks this way) has cause and effect reversed. You're unhappy with yourself which causes your insecurities with women, and these insecurities are what keep you from being successful with women. Your difficulties with women are therefore caused by your insecurities. If you got rid of your insecurities the majority of your problems with women would go away. So how do you do that? You need to learn to be happy with yourself, and hammer into your head that you really have nothing to lose and everything to gain from gaming girls. At worst you just stay where you're at; at best you have a relationship/some sex.

Break it down into digestible steps. When you set a huge goal for yourself without breaking it down into more easily digestible goals then you are setting yourself up for failure. Set goals that are tangible, fun (VERY important) and most of all ones that don't rely on "success" with women (i.e. sex/a relationship) - at least not at first. Hell, you could set some silly goals for yourself for the night like having a goal be to go up to a girl that's a complete stranger at the bar and get her to give you a sip of her drink within the first minute or two of meeting her, or speaking in a funny accent or something. The more you make an idiot out of yourself the more you'll realize that it's not a big deal. I've found that breaking down these social conventions first (i.e. worrying about not making an idiot out of yourself) is much easier and gives you a lot more confidence for when you attempt to actually pursue women.

Don't give a fvck what people think. Guys, girls, it doesn't matter, YOU are the only being on this Earth that matters, and YOUR opinion is the only one that matters. If you can think like this, you will act much more 'naturally' around women, because you don't give a fvck what the outcome will be. JUST GO FOR IT.

I can't say that I myself have reached this point, many people probably haven't and never will, but if you can just not care what anyone thinks your life will be MUCH better.

Plus, how old are you? Are you still in High-school?

I am happy with myself most of the time. It's just those other times I let my insecurities overtake me and get the best of me. I let fear hold me back. A lot of times I wonder why God made me the way I am. I'm bi-racial and sometimes I can't help but feel alone. Not having anyone to relate to or talk to. Sometimes I wish I was someone else, and that's my problem. I know it is and I have trouble dealing with it. It's hard to embrace who you are when you feel like you're forced to pick who you are. It's like white people claim i'm only asian and asians only claim I'm white. It's not about race. I'm a person. I wish people didn't make things about classification

JokerIsk said:

I am happy with myself most of the time. It's just those other times I let my insecurities overtake me and get the best of me. I let fear hold me back. A lot of times I wonder why God made me the way I am. I'm bi-racial and sometimes I can't help but feel alone. Not having anyone to relate to or talk to. Sometimes I wish I was someone else, and that's my problem. I know it is and I have trouble dealing with it. It's hard to embrace who you are when you feel like you're forced to pick who you are. It's like white people claim i'm only asian and asians only claim I'm white. It's not about race. I'm a person. I wish people didn't make things about classification

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Ok, well when I said that you have to be happy with yourself I wasn't really talking about your feelings as much as how you conceive of yourself. It is very clear from what you've written here that you don't have a healthy view of yourself.

In life people are going to constantly try to pigeonhole you and group you with others in their mind. This is how the human brain works; we deal with categories and abstractions based on our real world experiences. You do this with other people, too, maybe without even realizing it (maybe not along racial lines, of course). This happens with everyone; everyone classifies everybody else and groups everybody else and evaluates everybody else based on preconceived notions of the meanings behind how one acts/dresses/etc... Biracialism is incredibly hard to deal with because there is no real historical reaction or literature behind it; all minorities have some history of struggle, but when it comes to both biracialism and bisexuality (which have much in common) there is much less particularly because of the fact that they are not identified with by one side or the other. I can't really tell you how to deal with it because I'm not biracial and couldn't imagine what it's like, but you need to learn how to deal with it and accept it.

I just need to work past that. It's just another excuse i've made.

Jokerlsk said:

I am happy with myself most of the time. It's just those other times I let my insecurities overtake me and get the best of me. I let fear hold me back. A lot of times I wonder why God made me the way I am. I'm bi-racial and sometimes I can't help but feel alone. Not having anyone to relate to or talk to. Sometimes I wish I was someone else, and that's my problem. I know it is and I have trouble dealing with it. It's hard to embrace who you are when you feel like you're forced to pick who you are. It's like white people claim i'm only asian and asians only claim I'm white. It's not about race. I'm a person. I wish people didn't make things about classification

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What part of GA are you in?

I must tell you bro, most girls out here go for the guys who got money or got this gay look.

Feeling alone can hurt your game.

People can be judgmental. Sorry, life ain't fair. Sometimes you gotta fake it till you make it.

Sometimes it's better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody.

athens is where I'm from.

Sort of to reframe. I have a lot of (girl) friends. I can talk to girls, but for some reason I'm not sexual. Girls like me because i'm friendly. They don't look at me and say, "Wow, alpha male." They end up saying, "Wow, he's the nicest guy." Girls tell me I'm goofy, and let's be honest. They aren't looking for a goofy guy, but I'm not just gonna go off and change who I am to get girls. I like who I am. I like what I represent and what I stand for, and I think people like that about me. I don't talk to girl to "hook up" or get laid. When I talk to someone it's because I want to actually get to know that person. That's probably my problem, but I can't be that way. I don't want to be a player. I just want to be able to put myself in position. I want to actually have a realistic shot with a girl I'm interested in, and to be honest, I don't think I ever have. I've been friendzoned so many times. I've been a shoulder to cry on so many times.

The thing is, is that I don't think to myself, "Maybe if i act like a really nice guy and do things for a girl, she'll like me." That's not what i think at all. I actually really care about people. One of my close friends is a player and my friends tell me I should be like him, but he treats girls like dirt. Like they aren't people. I feel like i've been given a gift. I can communicate with anyone. I really haven't met a person I couldn't befriend. I like knowing that I can make a person's day a little brighter. I like knowing I can connect with people, but it's always the same line, "Jokerlsk, you're a really great guy, but I don't like you like that." I've heard it 100000x. It happens every single time. I don't really know what it is, but I know that I won't change for a girl. I'll work to get better, but I don't know where I'm weak at.

PM me.

I want what you got, and you want what I got. I never got the LJBF from a girl in the beginning. I can at least figure out what you're doing wrong in the beginning to get that.

Jokerlsk-

You sound like you could or do have plenty of outward game. The problem is, you never take it further. You never actually pursue these women or communicate any sort of masculine interest in them. The problem isn't your game, it's your inaction.

You also can't make the world/nature play by your rules when it comes to dating. Your comment about taking it slow and getting to know them is evidence of this. You want everything to come to you on YOUR terms. Not gonna happen. You have to push the right buttons to get a result. You can still get to know them while communicating interest.

The 'machine' of life won't change itself for you.

What exactly is "outward game?" Are you saying that I don't make my intentions clear? Because i really don't. I have trouble with expressing that i am interested in someone. Has anyone had this problem?

Usually if you ask a girl out on a date they get the point that you want to be 'more than friends' at some point.

Jokerlsk said:

athens is where I'm from.

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If you read where I'm from, it's Lithonia. I'm not too far from US 78 (if that's where you are), maybe we can sarge sometime?

Peace!

Jokerlsk said:

What exactly is "outward game?" Are you saying that I don't make my intentions clear? Because i really don't. I have trouble with expressing that i am interested in someone. Has anyone had this problem?

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You don't have to overtly make your intentions clear ie. tell her that you want to be in a sexual relationship etc, but you let her know covertly mostly via kino.

I'm really not a sexual person. I want to be that way, but I just don't know how. Girls don't look at me as a potential boyfriend... they look at me as a friend... It's really terrible and it's always been this way.

Jokerlsk said:

I'm really not a sexual person. I want to be that way, but I just don't know how. Girls don't look at me as a potential boyfriend... they look at me as a friend... It's really terrible and it's always been this way.

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As a friend, I don't necessarily touch my friends. After all, I don't touch my male friends. There's no reason to, nor would I want to. If you want to be 'sexual' without bordering on 'harassing', practice 'kino'. Touch her arm, touch her shoulder, if you're comfortable with a girl, touch her face. That physical contact indicates interest in more than just friendship. It's not the be all end all surefire way to show sexual interest, but its a damn good start.

You don't just randomly touch strangers out on the street, now do you?

Jokerlsk said:

What exactly is "outward game?" Are you saying that I don't make my intentions clear? Because i really don't. I have trouble with expressing that i am interested in someone. Has anyone had this problem?

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You need to express to her in some manner that you are interested. Usually, the best way to do this is to create a situation or environment where you can isolate her and continue the seduction. Ask her out and go from there.

All the hem-hawing and dancing around in the friendzone just shuts things down. Your intentions can be made very clear by simply asking a girl out. It will become obvious when you take her out somewhere and do something at night...... "togeather". Thats a huge move to any woman.

It's like you don't trust that she is going to be smart enough to figure out what you're doing. Trust me, she will be. And she'll like it.

Jokerlsk said:

I'm really not a sexual person.

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This is NOT TRUE. You know how I know this? Because you're human. Besides,if you're not sexual,then what are you doing here on Sosuave? The WHOLE PURPOSE of this forum is to help one another understand and become better with WOMEN.


You ARE a sexual person. You're just afraid to express that sexualness.

Jokerisk said:

I want to be that way, but I just don't know how.

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I DON'T believe you here,but let's say you're right and you don't know how to be sexual.


You want to know how to be sexaul with a girl? Eeeeasy.


ASK....HER....OUT.


That's it. You've just showed a SEXUAL INTEREST to a girl.

See how easy that was?

Jokerisk said:

Girls don't look at me as a potential boyfriend...

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That's because YOU DON'T present yourself to them as a potential boyfriend.

ALL these girls are doing is giving back to you what YOU FIRST sent out to them. You're afraid to show your true interest,so you hide it behind being friends. So when the girls look at you,they see the "front",the fake friendliness you sat up,and get deceived by it.


So since you "appear" to be friendly,they develop "friendly feelings" towards you. Then when you get tired of hiding behind the friend persona,you come out and try to date the girl,but it's too late. She already has "friendly" feelings for you.


That's why when you ask them out they tell you that they don't see you "that way",and they're telling you the truth.



They don't see you "that way" because of that "friend front" you start out with.

Jokerisk said:

they look at me as a friend.

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Well,how do you want them to see you? As a potential boyfriend? Then when you FIRST MEET a girl,present yourself as one.

..It's really terrible and it's always been this way.

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"It"? What do you mean "it" has always heen that way?


There is no "it". "It",is YOU.


YOU'VE always been that way. So when YOU decide to stop hiding behind "friendship" and be honest with a girl you like,then "it" will change.

Just ask a girl out? I would if that ever actually worked. Ask a girl out I hardly know? Or I'm just getting to know? When does that work? This is what I don't understand. How can you ask out someone you aren't friends with? That really confuses me.

Maybe I am afraid to be sexual. But maybe it's because I like to think of myself as a person who isn't like that. As a guy who isn't a player or a horndog or just looking to get laid. I don't want to be that guy. So yeah, maybe I am afraid of becoming someone like that. I find comfort in knowing that I'm not that way, but I also find stress in knowing that if I don't change something things will always fall into the same cycle.

Say I ask a girl out. A girl I'm just now getting to know and she says "no." What exactly does that accomplish? Sure, it tells her I like her, but what good does that do?