Bait & Switch
Iron Rule of Tomassi #4
NEVER under any circumstance live with a woman you aren't married to or are not planning to marry in within 6 months.
You are utterly powerless in this situation. NEVER buy a home with a girlfriend, NEVER sign a rental lease with a girlfriend. NEVER agree to move into her home and absolutely NEVER move a woman into your own established living arrangement. I'm adamantly opposed to the "shacking up" dynamic, it is a trap that far too many men allow themselves to fall into. My fervor agianst this isn't based on some moral issue, it it simple pragmatism. If you live with a woman you may as well be married because upon doing so every liability and accountability of marriage is then in effect. You not only lose any freedom of annonymity you commit to, legally, being responsible for the continuation of your living arrangements regardless of how your relationship decays.
I should also emphasize the point that when you commit (and it is a financial committment) to cohabiting with a GF you will notice a marked decrease in her sexual availability and desire, trust me on this. All of that competitive anxiety and it's resulting sexual tension that made your single sex life so great is removed from her shoulders and she can comfortably relax in the knowledge that she is your ONLY source of sexual intimacy. Putting your name on that lease with her (even if it's just your name) is akin to signing an insurance polcy for her - "I the undersigned promise not to ƒuck any woman but this girl for a one year term." She thinks, "if he wasn't serious about me, he wouldn't have signed the lease." Now all of that impetus and energy that made having marathon sex with you an outright necessity is relaxed. She controls the frame and she's got it in writing that it is for at least a year.
Just don't do it. Relationships last best when you spin more plates or at the very least keep each other at arm's distance. Look how this applies to your situation here.
Lets see, how many times have I posted this rule on the forum since 2004? That Roissy article is a good starting point for you, but just understand that even that re-framing has it's limitations. Women in marriage and LTRs want to push past that single-status competition anxiety, they want security, not just financial, but emotional, and the security that comes from knowing they are the only source of sex & intimacy for their spouse/partner.
One of the reasons sexual frequency declines for women after a romantic commitment is that the urgency of sex that was necessary prior to the commitment is replaced with the agency of sex being a reward / reinforcer within that LTR. In her single life, uncommitted, non-exclusive life, sex, while being very enjoyable, becomes a proving ground for most women. In essence, it's the free samples before the buy (or the bait & switch as the case may be), and its urgency is fueled not only by (hopefully) genuine attraction, but also at least the subconscious knowing that they are in a sexual marketplace of competition. It's one of the few times when a woman must qualify for a man's approval. And admittedly, most men are so sex-deprived or so inexperienced early on in life that the sell is usually not a tough one for her. However, on some level of consciousness she is aware that she could be replaced by a better qualified competitor.
This then is the contrast for committed sexual interaction. The dynamic now shifts from qualification sex to utility sex. Now before anyone jumps to conclusions, yes, sex can still be enjoyable, it can still be passionate, and she can definitely want it, but the impetus shifts. Sex is now a tool. In her uncommitted sex life it was a tool for qualification; in her LTR life it's a tool for compliance. This is pretty obvious, and it may be more or less extreme depending upon the woman's disposition or how important a particular issue is to her, but make no mistake, there isn't a woman on the planet who doesn't take her sexual agency into account when dealing with her LTR / husband. That agency may be more or less valuable - dependent upon her looks, demeanor, sexual availability, etc. - in comparison to the man she's paired with.
And this is where the Cardinal Rule of Relationships plays in. This is the constant interplay of vying for who is more dependent upon the other. Women have for the past 50+ years made a concerted effort, and using social conventions, to establish their sexuality as the end-all for men in power.
Vagina = Authority and this is what all too many men parrot back and self-reinforce. "Change, do it, sublimate your desires, or there wont be any nookie for you tonight mister!" And on the surface it seems intuitive to 'keep the peace' and finish all the things on her honey-do list in the hopes that she'll recover even a fraction of the desire she had when you were single, childless and getting blow jobs in the car after a date because she couldn't wait to get home to ƒuck you.
Well LTR gentlemen, I'm here to tell you that, yes, you do in fact have an intrinsic upper hand in this regard if you're fearless and willing to exercise your power. What I described in the last paragraph seems to be the most intuitive - do what she says = get sex - so it should come as no shock that the answer to it is counterintuitive. You must find ways to, subtly, return back to the state of competition anxiety she had in the beginning. I emphasize subtly, because, as with most everything else female, doing so overtly will be met with hostility. To get more sex, to retain the frame, to inspire more respect in her, you must disengage from her. That doesn't mean becoming aloof, or sulking, or becoming an A-Hole; those are OVERT signs and methods that she will easily interpret and resist. What is needed is incremental reassertion of yourself as the primary AND that her sexual agency, while still welcomed, is not a motivator for your own decisions.
I'm fond of saying no vagina is worth years of regret, yet this is exactly where most men find themselves, because they are either unwilling or unable to rock the vagina boat. They fail to understand that a woman's imagination is the most powerful tool in the DJ's toolbox. Now, the deductive and obvious way of stimulating that imagination would be to blurt out and say "look b!tch, your pussie's not made of gold and there are plenty of other girls ready to polish my nob if you don't straighten up, see?" And this of course is met with either resistance or shame from her. What serves a Man better is to make incremental changes in himself that she will perceive as attractive to other women. Women want to be with Men who other women want to ƒuck, and other men want to be, but this cuts both ways. The more empowered he becomes, the better physical shape he attains, the more professional achievements he gathers, the more self-aware confidence he exudes, the more valuable he makes himself and the more anxiety is produced for her - and this is anxiety she can't argue against.
One of the first things I tell men trapped in a her-frame relationship is to get to the gym, train hard, look better. It also happens to be the easiest change available to him. This has two effects; first it makes her interest in ƒucking increase, and second it fires up that imagination. "Why is he doing this? He's really looking better these days, I see it, other women must too. Maybe I need to start working out? Gosh those girls at the gym look so much better than me." She can't argue with a healthy desire to look better, feel better, and be concerned with your health. Women who allow themselves to give up and slip into the comfort zone are particularly vulnerable to this veiled threat.
Don't accept that her sexuality is the authority of the relationship. The better you make yourself the more authority you command, the more you abdicate to her the less authority (and respect) you command. Women need to be told "NO", in fact they want you to tell them "NO", especially in light of the 800 pound gorilla in the room - her sexual agency. When a woman controls the LTR frame with her vagina, it's always going to color your dealings with her. THIS IS NO WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE. It becomes this ever-present, unspoken understanding that she can ultimately play the pussie card and you'll comply. And while this may gratify her in the short term, you will lose her respect in the long term. She wants to be told "NO" in spite of you knowing she's going to hold out on you. This is the ultimate repudiation of her sexual agency - "if he says "NO" with the foreknowledge that he's not getting any, my sexual powers are devalued." If her sexual agency is called into question it leaves room for doubt and imaginations, and opens the door once again for competition anxiety to creep back in.
In the end, who cares if you don't get laid for a week? It's well worth the price for increasing her respect for you as a commodity, and increasingly, an authority. If you want to maintain that anxiety, you must perpetuate yourself as being a commodity women will compete for, even in commitment.
What is it you see in her that made you want to move in with her in the FIRST place??
