Got rejected, I said NO to "LJBF" - Girl is devastated now

Hello everyone,

Sorry for the long post, but I am sure it’s quite interesting to read and to see the effect it has when you say NO to a “LJBF”

I met this girl a year ago, we were in the same class but never talked to each other. It all started when my girlfriend broke up with me after a relationship of 4.5 year. She helped me through the break up and I am still very thankful for that.
Since then we became really good friends, we talked for hours every day and never got bored of each other. It was just perfect; people sometimes thought that we were a couple because of our closeness.
Right now she is 18 and I am 21, when I met her, she was a very insecure girl with low self-esteem.
During all the time we spoke to each other (a year), I taught her how to be confident and kept always motivating her to get the best out of herself. In that aspect, I totally changed her.

During our friendship, I always had a little crush on her but nothing serious. We used to flirt now and then but there was nothing behind it. Until a few weeks ago, that little crush started to develop into real feelings. After all those months having such close contact, I fell for her and I started to make it more noticeable.
To make it short, we started to flirt heavily, and I thought I was getting the right signals. She said things to me that only means “hey you got green light” So I took my chance and went for it, but her answer was that she thought it was only a game. I told her that for me it wasn’t and that was impossible not to start feeling something for her after all those great times we had. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable and I left it there and told her that we should talk less because we were not acting as friends only, we were too touchy, too flirty etc.

Since that same moment, about a week ago, I decided to give her the gift of missing me. I knew this would be effective because this girl LOVES attention. So I took away what she loves so much from her. She started to notice this and started to do EVERYTHING to get my attention. But I remained indifferent and kept sticking to my guns. This has made her go crazy, last night she started talking to me on MSN and she started talking about some stuff and out of the blue she started talking about the importance I have in her life, how much influence I have on her and how important my opinion is for her.

She: “You have changed my life a lot, I learned to be more confident because of you, and you gave me confidence as well”

Me: I think you always had it in you, but you didn’t know how to show it”

She: “ I don’t think so, you made me grow as a person”

Me: “Then just see it as a little gift I gave you in the past”

This was the moment she started to crack and she said this:

She: “Can you tell me, if you ever would be my friend again”?
Me: Things have changed, I am sorry I can’t answer your question. You played with my feelings and this is how I am, this is my way of processing it.
She: I didn’t want to hurt you, I thought we both were playing a game… and you have to know I have hurt myself with this…
Me: It isn’t about if you hurt me or not, I am sure after all I have experienced, no one can break me down, that isn’t the problem. It’s about that if someone would ever play me like that, you would be the last person in my mind that would have done that to me. And that’s what hurts me, that it was you”

After I said that, I made her collapse. She said that she was crying so much right now and that she was losing me and that she HATED that so much.

I said to her: I am sorry things go like this, but I really felt something for you, you were special for me and I don’t think there will be someone I could share my thoughts so easily as with you.
She responded with: “ you have no idea how much this hurts…It feels like you are saying goodbye and I hate it!”
Me: I am so sorry, but I can’t rip you out of my heart like it was nothing, cus it was. I have no other choice, this is what I have to do to suppress my feelings for you, I am sorry.
She: I understand, I just need you to know that I miss you sooo much and that I wish things would have been different; it really hurts me so much that it goes like this.

Me: That’s nice of you, I appreciate it, and it isn’t easy for me as well.
She then responded that she was going to call her friend and I wished her goodnight.

So today I had to face her again at school. When I saw her eyes today, it totally broke my heart, her eyes said it all. She was so devastated and it was clearly visible that she had cried a lot.
She wasn’t even able to make the test today and asked the teacher to do it another day. People started to notice that something was wrong with her, and a girl in our class said that it looked like she had been dumped by her boyfriend. She didn’t know where to put her head and didn’t respond… I saw in her eyes that she was breaking from the inside…
What I just don’t understand, if she is taking it so heavily.. crying so much, being devastated, how is it possible that she doesn’t feel a tiny little bit the same for me? Will she ever realize what she is letting slip away?

Conclusion, she wanted to give me the LJBF, I didn’t accept it, now she is totally broken and misses me like hell. I really feel sorry for her that she feels like that, but I am just no longer interested in a friendship. I like her a lot and I can’t move on if keep being her friend. She will only keep sucking my attention and acceptance until she gets a boyfriend and then no longer requires my attention. I won’t let that happen.
But I wonder if I am not being too hard on her. We were such good friends, what we had as friends was so special and now I am totally ignoring her and I completely vanished.
I will miss her lots, and it really hurts me to see her this way, it rips my heart apart.
But I think this is the only way forward.

Drama drama drama.

There is no such thing as being "too hard". You think she would have any qualms about hurting you with the LJBF speech? Hell no. You think any dramatic speech or tears would have got you into her good books? Of course not.

This girl sounds weird anyways. Grow a pair, be nice but don't get attatched. And go chase some other girls who are actually worth your time and appreciate you. You said it yourself "She will only keep sucking my attention and acceptance until she gets a boyfriend and then no longer requires my attention." There's your answer.

Cut your ties, be pleasant but not "involved". Find new hottie.

Ugh.

Guys who have conversations like that with women NEVER GET LAID. Less John Cusack and more John Wayne next time, ya dig?

Remember that women are indeed the weaker sex, but to compensate for their weakness, they have the survival instincts of a coyote and most can be ruthlessly manipulative.

There is a poster on here who sais, "Women don't love us the way we love them. They love a man for the feelings he gives her, the security, etc. but at the end of the day, you are a disposable commodity."

Now it sounds as though you had a mentoring relationship with this girl, which was in reality your sneaky AFC way of trying to get in her pants. Even if your intentions were truly so noble, as soon as you realized you were seriously wanting her, it was time to cut the cord.

Julius_Seizeher said:

Ugh.

Guys who have conversations like that with women NEVER GET LAID.

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Yeah, I was seeing 'blah blah blah blah ' about 15% of the way into that mess.

You were her mentor.

My view: That's a great thing. She looked up to you and you're good guy/"gives me hope". But.....

The flirting WAS playing. She was comfortable with that and all was fine plus probably a slight hope that someday you might just do that fantasy "scoop her on the back of a horse and ride off into the sunset...but that's how she'd like it as long as it isn't really happening. That was all stable until you started going for it and she started telling you directly that you're friends and she's realizing you want her and if you can't have her you'll **** her head up and kick her to the curb like yesterday's trash. Her world got rocked hard.

The guy who was her mentor suddenly turned overnight into a guy who doesn't appear to be an awesome guy who knows her inside out, instead, she's a convenience and now getting toyed with by using your attention & telling her she's a rotten game playing biatch as a big STICK to forcibly change what she understood the relationship to be.

Your intentions in this matter aren't relevant. In fact, you aren't looking at it from her side at all. To you, she's just an Evil Biatch that doesn't realize you're the most friggin great guy in the universe....but she was just fine before, WHO CHANGED? From *her* view, yes, you were the most friggin great guy in the universe until you showed your true self. Everything she knew is up in the air including the fact that she believed in you. It's gone. She's shattered. Now, how she viewed you seems to have been a complete illusion and she's being told it's completely her fault.

It was just perfect; people sometimes thought that we were a couple because of our closeness.
It was just perfectly convenient. You were comfortable together.

when I met her, she was a very insecure girl with low self-esteem.
She's still that girl, with a bump of esteem from your friendship. Then you took it away as a punishment and look at her now, she's even worse.

I taught her how to be confident and kept always motivating her to get the best out of herself. In that aspect, I totally changed her.
Get off your high horse. None of us are selfless heros. She was a convenience and when she wouldn't give you what you wanted on demand, you threw her into a tailspin.

During our friendship, I always had a little crush on her but nothing serious. We used to flirt now and then but there was nothing behind it.
You wanted to **** her. But when it was a convenient time for you.

Most of the rest is about you abusively mentally/emotionally biatchslapping her around for not feeling attracted in that way for you and you really need to get hit with a clue by four if you believe the following:

"So today I had to face her again at school. When I saw her eyes today, it totally broke my heart, her eyes said it all. She was so devastated and it was clearly visible that she had cried a lot.
She wasn’t even able to make the test today and asked the teacher to do it another day. People started to notice that something was wrong with her, and a girl in our class said that it looked like she had been dumped by her boyfriend. She didn’t know where to put her head and didn’t respond… I saw in her eyes that she was breaking from the inside…

Um, yeah, she's destroyed because of what you're doing to her and YOUR HEART is broke?!?!?

What I just don’t understand, if she is taking it so heavily.. crying so much, being devastated, how is it possible that she doesn’t feel a tiny little bit the same for me? Will she ever realize what she is letting slip away?

You crushed her slowly under your heel for not forcing herself to change how she felt emotionally. And, as you wrote through your post about it being 100% her fault. Of course that's not going to make her hot and bothered, she's not a sicko.

Me: It isn’t about if you hurt me or not, I am sure after all I have experienced, no one can break me down, that isn’t the problem. It’s about that if someone would ever play me like that, you would be the last person in my mind that would have done that to me. And that’s what hurts me, that it was you”

Goddamn dude. That's some evil shait.

Atheros88 said:

I met this girl a year ago, we were in the same class but never talked to each other. It all started when my girlfriend broke up with me after a relationship of 4.5 year. She helped me through the break up and I am still very thankful for that.

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That just says it all, you could have spared us the details. Typical Friend Zone situation: girl views you as her friend the whole time, while you're only pretending to be her friend, the whole time drooling at the prospect of nailing her.

She is devastated because she lost a friend, an emotional tampon, an attention giver. She is not devastated because she had any kind of sexual attraction to you (obviously not, or she would not have rejected you, right?). You made all the wrong moves and now you're paying for it. What more to say?

EDIT: i wanna add she might be devastated because she feels betrayed that a guy who she only considered a friend was in fact only pretending to be her friend while hoping to get in her pants. You talk about the "heavy flirting". Well, that is your perspective on it. Maybe on her part it was just playful fun. I m just trying to put things in perspective here for you: she is probably viewing you as manipulator as well, also feeling betrayed. Think about it this way: what if your best friend came up to you one day and told you he was gay and he had a crush on you the whole time, and that he feels you have been giving him the right signals. How would you react?

You're one COLD DUDE for putting this girl through this.


Let me see if I got all the facts straight....

Atheros88 said:

Hello everyone,

Sorry for the long post, but I am sure it’s quite interesting to read and to see the effect it has when you say NO to a “LJBF”

I met this girl a year ago, we were in the same class but never talked to each other. It all started when my girlfriend broke up with me after a relationship of 4.5 year. She helped me through the break up and I am still very thankful for that.

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So this girl helped you through a rough time in your life,for which you're very thankful.

You were going through a hard time,and emotionally she was there for you.

Seems to me like she saw someone hurting,and she just wanted to help.

Atheros88 said:

Since then we became really good friends, we talked for hours every day and never got bored of each other. It was just perfect; people sometimes thought that we were a couple because of our closeness.
Right now she is 18 and I am 21, when I met her, she was a very insecure girl with low self-esteem.
During all the time we spoke to each other (a year), I taught her how to be confident and kept always motivating her to get the best out of herself. In that aspect, I totally changed her.

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So when you noticed she had low self-esteem,you basically became her "life coach".

You were her personal "Dr. Phil".


She saw you needed help and she helped you,then you saw she needed help,so you helped her.



There was nothing sexual there,just people helping each other out.

Atheros88 said:

During our friendship, I always had a little crush on her but nothing serious. We used to flirt now and then but there was nothing behind it. Until a few weeks ago,that little crush started to develop into real feelings.

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So "secretly" you always had a crush on her,but you never revealed your feelings.


So you hid your true emotions for her up until a few weeks ago.


You're not being fair man.



You were around this girl for a year...NOT SHOWING A SEXUAL INTEREST.



You just behaved as a friend. So since you behaved as a friend,she developed friendly feelings towards you.



You did this for a year. So she got used to you being one way for a year,and developed the corresponding feelings that go along with the behavior YOU SHOWED.




YOU SHOWED friendliness to her,so she had friendly feelings towards you.




You did that for a year,then ALL OF THE SUDDEN,YOU changed.



You finally got up enough courage to show your true interest to her,then when she didn't recipricate,you do this to her.




I have a question: When you first met this girl,she had no feelings for you at all,friendliness nor sexual.



She sees you as a friend now because of all you two have been through,and the past year you two spent talking and being close to one another.




Here's my queston: If it took a YEAR and everything you two have been through for her to developed the feelings of friendship she currently has for you,how is all that supposed to just be instantly switched over to sexual attraction?




You weren't honest. In your heart of hearts,you were attracted to this girl,but you hid it behind being "friends".




She didn't know,she thought your friendship was genuine.

And why wouldn't she? You never showed a sexual interest...until a few weeks ago.




You "suddenly" switched on her. And you're upset because the emotions she has (that took a year to build) didn't suddenly switch as well?

Atheros88 said:

Since that same moment, about a week ago, I decided to give her the gift of missing me. I knew this would be effective because this girl LOVES attention. So I took away what she loves so much from her. She started to notice this and started to do EVERYTHING to get my attention. But I remained indifferent and kept sticking to my guns. This has made her go crazy, last night she started talking to me on MSN and she started talking about some stuff and out of the blue she started talking about the importance I have in her life, how much influence I have on her and how important my opinion is for her.

Click to expand...

You're mixed up dude. You have a SERIOUS misunderstanding about how attraction works for women.



You have "attraction" and "affection" confused.



She has an affection for you. You two are friends. You've been there for each other and have known each other for a year.




You can have affection for someone simply by being around them for a period of time.



That's affection.



"Attraction" is you being a man,you being strong,you being masculine,talking charge,you being higher/superior.


It's you letting a woman know you want her,desire her.




You giving her the "gift" of missing you doesn't create attraction.

It just makes her miss you,that's all.





You spent the last year with each other. For you to suddenly remove yourself just makes her miss you,NOT BE ATTRACTED to you.





It's too late man,it's over.




You're trying to make her feel sexual attraction for you,but she can't feel attraction for "Dr. Phil".




What you did was the equivalent of two women who are girlfriend having a fight and splitting from each other.



Both are hurt and miss each other,but that's it,there's nothing sexual there.

Atheros88 said:

This was the moment she started to crack and she said this:

She: “Can you tell me, if you ever would be my friend again”?
Me: Things have changed, I am sorry I can’t answer your question. You played with my feelings and this is how I am, this is my way of processing it.

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What the...?

She played with your feelings?


Are you serious?


In the year you've known her,have you ever asked her out?


Dude,you've spent almost the entire time you've known her being her friend and helping her out EMOTIONALLY.



All the things I listed concerning attraction,did you do any of those things?



Because it seems to me that you've spent all your time helping her,or being helped by her.



Wow,you think she played with your emotions. :crackup:

Atheros88 said:

I said to her: I am sorry things go like this, but I really felt something for you, you were special for me and I don’t think there will be someone I could share my thoughts so easily as with you.

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See,this is what I mean.


You're not being a man here,you're still hung up on sharing your "thoughts" with her.



You've made EVERY MISTAKE in the book with this girl,and are CONTINUING to make them.


And you have the nerve to be upset with her?



What you did here would be exacly the same as you not putting any gas in a car,then you being upset because when you start the ignition and press the press the pedal,nothing happens.

Atheros88 said:

What I just don’t understand, if she is taking it so heavily.. crying so much, being devastated, how is it possible that she doesn’t feel a tiny little bit the same for me?

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Like I said previously,you don't understand attraction.

She's crying because the person who she helped and who helped her for over a year no longer wants to be a part of her life.



When you left,you created a void there.



You keep confusing sexual attraction with affection.

Atheros88 said:

She will only keep sucking my attention and acceptance until she gets a boyfriend and then no longer requires my attention. I won’t let that happen.

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Now this is true. She will do this.

But YOU ARE THE ONE who put yourself in this situation.


You don't want to be used. I understand that.


What I'd do is pursue other girls. You don't have to be as close as you once were with her,but at least be civil.

I totally get your point, but I should add that I didn't develop this crush on her from the beginning. I did not saw her as a girl I would bang from the start of our friendship. I wasn't trying to act as friend or whatever to get into her panties. I wasn't even attracted to her at the beginning, I developed that later in our friendship. The first 4 months, we only talked about me and my ex.
It's unfair to say that I was trying to **** her from the beginning and that I was using her as convenience.

I know I have been hard on her, that's why I posted this thread.
But the only thing I am trying to do, is protect myself from further damage. Yes, I was her friend, her emotional tampon and an attention giver. But I already was that, even when I wasn't even remotely interested in her.

Why would it be a bad thing to cut cords with her so I can move on? I respected her decission that she only sees me as a friend, why wouldn't see respect my decission that, in that case, I rather not to continue our friendship.
What would you do then? Just remain her emotional tampon? Until another guys comes that she feels attracted to and then you become disposable?

Perhaps the way I did it, was very hard. But it ain't easy for me aswell. I don't like to see her suffer and it does make me feel bad.

I would love to be her friend again one day, but it just isn't possible right now.

Dood the way you talk to that girl no wonder she thinks you are her friend. You are like a girl in that conversation...

Be a man and stop talking to her completely. Thats the only thing that will work.

You should write some poetry Atheros88. Bet you'd be reaaal good at it.

Totally agree here with themysteriousguy and igetit. It's your feelings that changed, not hers and instead of maning-up and getting your feelings under control you totally douched out. Maybe it would have been more reasonable if there was a real attraction based relationship, but there wasn't and you basically wussed by showing her "mentor" had no control over his own emotions.

Secondly, u also messed up by giving her closure and explaining why your going to act like a big idiot and devestate her feelings. Golden rule in my book, no closure - why isn't important, only the decision to move on.

TC

Atheros88 said:

I totally get your point

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No, you don't. That's ok. Instead of trying to get it across, I'll tell you what you could have done at the "fork in the road" and hopefully you'll see the 100x benefits of doing it this way.

When she's said (not LJBF) Let's Just Stay Friends you could have blown it off by saying "I was just checking your feelings to make sure I understood where we were to make sure our friendship is solid" and acted normal. She would have completely believed that "friendship is solid" because it's consistent and congruent with your past year together. It wouldn't have been a big deal. Instead, you got hurt and acted irrationally.

Then, all you needed to do was slightly modify your relationship by not changing things, but removing some stuff. No more talk about girls/guys you are seeing and other girlfriendy stuff, just stick with social situations only or maybe you need help moving or something like that. You two were able to hang out in public and people saw you look very comfortable. She would have been permanent Social Proof for you to get lots and lots of women.
You've been pre-screened.

And, that's fair. She wants to be flirted with even though she's a friend because even though she's a friend she's a Woman and you can't be flirting with every other girl but treat her like she's androgynous. You want a relationship/sex/meet other girls and having her around helps that 10x. That's a fair exchange, she gets some attention, you flirt, she feels attractive, other girls become attracted to this, you both win. So what if she drops out of sight when she gets a boyfriend, you'll drop out of sight when you get a girlfriend so again, it's an even exchange. You really need to get some time perspective. Once you get 3 girl friends like that you're going to be very unique to any new girls that see you. They'll see a Don Juan that appears to have multiple girls that love to be with him at all times and treat him with total respect.

All you had to do was remove the part where you were girlfriends (hanging at her house/phone/whatever doing girlfriend-girlfriend stuff).

So, one way to deal with this situation was to punish her and destroy everything. You both lost. The "if I can't have it I'll destroy it" thinking really screws yourself up as well.

The other path: You could have started adding female admirers to your life in an even exchange where you'd get lots of other girls interested in you in a different way. Now guys will say "she'll ****-block me being selfish". No, that won't happen if you have other admirers lined up to spend time with you. Just like a sexual relationship, the girl won't mess with you if lots of options and no hesitation to switch to them.

Start looking at the Big Picture and what will give you the most value in the long run.

Yea great, say no to LJBF because a guy who has a date with palmela handerson every night says so.

Drama is for women. Grow some balls.

OP, read IGetIt!'s post 10 times until YOU get it, too. He just spelled it all out for you... you should really take what he said and run with it if you want to learn from this situation in the future.

I say this as someone who has been in this situation before. IGetIt! is exactly right... YOU were the one who was incongruent, not her. She thought it was a flirty game between friends because you framed it that way for over a year. You're punishing this girl by not being her friend anymore when you're the one who created the situation, really. Heh, it is kinda cold-blooded if you think about it.

I know exactly where you are coming from man. I un-invited a girl from my party because I liked her before but then she LJBF'ed me.

I told her "***** (her name) I want you. But if I can't have you, seeing you only hurts me. I can't have you around, even if it's just to hang out. I'll always want more and if I can't have it, it's only going to cause me more pain."

She flipped the **** out but eventually begged me to come back into her life, but I refused to cave in, because I didn't want to be trapped again. I've never looked back.

You made the right choice in refusing her.

Thanks everyone for the replies.

ThatMysteriousGuy, Igetit!, thank you in special, your posts have been an eye-opener.

I understand that I can't turn affection into attraction. It's too late for that and especially because our friendship was genuine most of the time without other intentions.

I will learn from this one, I won't pursue anything with her. I will try to see the whole picture and get other benefits out of my friendship with her(like you mentioned).

Last night I talked to her because I felt that I was being cold,cruel, an ass, whatever you want to call it. And it hurts to see that all this affects her much more than it does to me.

I know it's impossible and therefore won't focus anymore on her as a potential girl.
One thing for sure, I won't be as close we were before. I rather put the girls in front that want my attention. I told her things will be different and explained that she probably was right, that's better not to pursue anything romantic, and that I was totally cool with it. (I really mean this, I don't want to force anything that just isn't there, and therefore I will just move on)

Funny thing is, when I said that, she asked me: "just out of curiosity, why not?"

And I responded: I don't think there is a special reason for that, you just made me realize it.

(Girls remain curious creatures)

I am assured that it's not worth it having an uphill climb, it all was affection, I didn't create attraction, won't even try to create it now.

But I do have learned what not to do the next time, I will give up on this one and conserve our friendship, in a more limited way.

Thanks.

I don't get it. She helped you through some hard times, you helped her through some too. Maybe a lame move but whatever, it's done. So now because you get feelings you **** **** up like this?

I don't know about you guys or if you had female friends prior to taking on all this DJ stuff, but I had this really good one. Who listened to me complain and ****, and do a bunch of AFC things. And as I knew her I changed, and now she's a great friend... Who I've pivoted off of to get other hook-ups going. And yeah, I was attracted to her a bit, but I realized that there'd be almost no benefit to trying anything with this girl because it wouldn't be a LJBF... It would be a real friendship on the line -- even if the relationship is built on some stupid **** to begin with.

Actually, the point being missed here and most of all by you Atheros88 is that you fundamentally misunderstand the concept and reality of ATTRACTION to begin with.

You cannot create attraction.

Attraction is either there, or it isn't.

You can FEED existing attraction or starve it off. But even starving it off means the core attraction still exists, it's just dormant.

There is no indication this girl ever felt any attraction for you. You just always assumed that you could magically create attraction out of thin air with her when that was never possible.

If she had felt attraction to you then we wouldn't be having this discussion right now. You must learn how to discern natural attraction vs. friendliness.

Until you get this you will struggle with dating and relationships because you won't know what to look for or what elements you are even dealing with when it comes to being with a woman.

Sounds like some druggie who is going through withdrawal symptoms.

Then I remember this is so suave. Probably some attention h0r.

Yes, she saw you as a mentor and confidant (not misspelled). You saw her as pvsssssaaaay!!!!

Yeah, didn't end well. I'd cut her off completely and just move on with your life until she is willing to give you what you want, in exchange for what she wants. Instead of just take take take she's gotta give once in a while too.

by the way, stop guilt tripping yourself man. just move the fvck on. cutting yourself off is the best way to forget someone. out of sight, out of mind so to speak.

unless you like torturing yourself, don't go back to being her friend. the fact that you feel bad and guilty when you see her cry means you are still attached. you automatically thinks its because of you. maybe her dog or some sh1t happened to die right before.

anyways, wipe your memory clean and move on. don't guilt yourself into wasting time doing something that doesn't get YOU the results YOU want.

in the end its all about YOU.