How to handle a divorce

The problem with men is that we do not know how to handle the loss of loved ones. Through out the entire human history, it has been the job of a man to provide for his family. He is the fighter, provider, father, son… sometimes a mad wizard, who will defend his family against beasts – from grizzly bears to creepy crawlies. Fight wars and defend his loved ones from other men.

Women are used to losing their men folk due to death by wars, hunting etc. They are the gatherers who look after the young uns and make the home comfortable, etc. When a man is lost, they will support each other, make a plan and accept it as destiny.

How many women live longer than men? They are not the stronger sex at all. They just have developed better survival skills – with the help of men.

The situation has now been reversed. In this modern society, it is acceptable, even encouraged to leave a man if he doesn’t live up to her inflated ideals.

Men are not used to losing their women and children other than death, but some b!tch who steals their kids, house, money and possessions – simple because she is ‘entitled’ to do so and doesn’t “love” him any more.

The divorce laws were initiated to protect women from abusive husbands who beat them, raped their own children, cheated, abused alcohol, etc…But those loving fathers who lost all because their wives cheated?

Many men self destruct because they cannot suffer the loss of kin due to factors other than death.

• Your wife is still alive and fvcking your best friend.
• She has sole custody and will **** block you in every way so that you cannot see your kids.
• She has stolen half your money, property, pride, etc.
• Not satisfied with that, since you have improved yourself and are going out with younger and hotter chicks than het – she will entice her lovers to beat you up.

I have seen my brother in law and a friend drink themselves to death after their divorces. Have been through the hell of depression myself – at one time wanted to throw myself out of the window.
According to recent studies, men are two and a half times more likely to commit suicide after divorce as compared to women. These studies have put an end to the famous mistaken belief that women suffer more after divorce.

Men tend to form friendships wherein they can get to “hang out” with their friends but not talk about their deep inner feelings. Since men are not able to voice out their bitterness and hurt felt during the divorce, they tend to feel a void in their lives. In fact, it is common for men to seclude themselves from their friends because they do not even know how to have fun with their friends when their minds weigh so heavily with emotional baggage related to divorce.

Men tend to feel more shattered than women after the divorce because in most of the divorce cases involving children, the custody of the children is awarded to the mother. Therefore, all of a sudden, men find themselves to be a mere visitor in their child’s life, which can be a very tough emotion to deal with.

Children tend to act as stress busters during the divorce process because they become a source of love and support after divorce. While custodial mothers are able to reap the rewards of this love and affection and cope with divorce easily, non-custodial fathers tend to feel very lonely because they not only lose their status of being a husband but also of being a father.

It is common for men to blame themselves after the divorce because they feel that divorce could have been averted if they had been more sensitive to their troubled marriage. Truth is, no matter how much a wife complains about problems or concerns in a marriage, husbands mostly never understand the importance of these issues. For that reason, when wives file for a divorce, most husbands are in state of shock. When men are unable to deal with their feelings of guilt, bitterness, loneliness, and anger, suicide seems to be the only alternative.

Survival Strategies for Men to Avoid Suicidal Tendencies
1. Communicate

It is extremely important for men to talk about their feelings and concerns to someone that they can trust and depend on. Since many men do not know how to talk about their innermost feelings to their male friends, it might help if you seek help of a female friend or relative. Often, gaining insights to problems from a female perspective can be of huge help during such a tough time.

If you feel that there is no one you can turn to, seek professional help. Professional therapists will not only help you to overcome your fears and problems but will also help you find solutions to these issues and fears. It is important to remember that your inner healing phase will not start unless you let out the bitterness, sadness, or frustration associated with divorce.
2. Join a Divorce Support Group

Joining a divorce support group is a good way to understand that you are not the only one in this tough situation. There are some divorce groups that specifically cater to the needs of divorced men. Joining these groups is a good way to find out what tools and strategies others have used to cope with the stress and problems related to divorce.
At the time it may seem that it is the best solution, but its not. In South Africa unfortunately, with some cultures, it is not unusual for men to wipe out the entire family before killing themselves. How can they kill the innocent children that they supposed to love, is beyond my comprehension.
Believe me, NO woman is worth killing yourself or getting yourself into jail getting reamed for the rest of your life and if you follow my guide lines, you will survive this demanding period.

Steps on how to handle a divorce

Step one – LIVE
You need to get over the trauma and this takes time. Allow about two years for this phase to complete. I liken this process like formatting the hard drive of a computer. The hard drive is clogged with viruses and useless information and needs to be wiped clean. To help the process do the following:

1. Avoid all unnecessary contact with your ex
Forget about that crap – Let’s remain friends. It does not work. Remember, she dumped you! So you owe her nothing. If you have kids, you will have to see her – just keep it cordial and short. You don’t have to tell her anything.
Better still, move away from her to another town or suburb. You are starting afresh and a new start in new surroundings is a very good idea. I only really started to recover once I had done that. It was hard to leave a suburb that I had lived in for over twenty years – but people like to believe lies and stories.
In my new place, I have made some new friends. No one really knows me, but I have become so self reliant that it does not matter.

2. Become a man
But I am a man. Rubbish, just because you have a penis it doesn’t make you a man. Read the book of Pook and learn the processes of regaining your manhood. If you have been married for a long time, she would of turned you into a chump (and then she would of lost all respect for you). I don’t know why women do this but I thing it’s part of the training process – maybe like breaking in a horse so that you can become a beast of burden.
Think of what and who you were before you got married and try to regain that frame. You cannot regain your youth – but that is your true personality. Become that rebellious stud if you want. You will find women will enjoy that.
Go to gym – pump weights, not girly aerobic exercise. You want to build muscle to regain your testosterone levels because that is man juice, ZMA is a natural supplement which will boost your testosterone. Stop eating junk food and eat natural food like meat, vegetables and potatoes. Take supplements like multi vitamins. After a year or so you will feel and look far younger. The fat deposits around your face and belly will disappear. You will regain your manhood and women will notice!

3. Develop new interests
The best part of being single again is the freedom you now have and you now earn more money so you can do things that you could not afford when you were younger. You can do exactly what you want and no one can tell you when you have to come home.
Think of the things you always wanted to do and do them. Learn to play a musical instrument? Learn to cook properly – it takes just as long to cook a good meal than to make a sh!t one. What ever, it does not matter as long as you are not moping around.

4. Go out and meet new people
Go out and visit new places. No one finds it odd for a man to go out alone. Women can’t though – that’s an advantage we have.
Be friendly and meet new people. Don’t try too early to get another women. You will be gun shy and need to recover. A rebound affair will only hurt you more when it crashes.
Go to pubs where men your age frequent, you will meet other guys who are in the same situation that you are in. A word of warning though, don’t talk too much about your situation. Men don’t like to discuss personal issues – it’s the way we are. Rather keep it general – like discussing the sports etc. You will soon make drinking buddies of the regulars. If you don’t drink – well then play a sport were you will meet other men.
Single woman are keen to meet new men and being divorced is like a free pass they will think that you must be relatively sane to have been married for a while, so you can’t be a psycho loser. It is also relatively easy to pull the occasional one night stand – but only pump and dump for now.

5. Forgive and Move On

Many times we are not able to move on with our lives after a bitter incident because we fail to forgive those who have caused us hurt and pain. However, truth is, the best way to relieve ourselves of our pain is to forgive the person who is the source of the pain. By forgiving and moving on with your life, you close a bitter chapter of your life and accept the outcome as an eventuality.

Step two – Improve yourself
Face facts mate – you are on your own now. There is no one that will care about you than yourself (well maybe your mother will – if she is still alive). Face the reality of living alone and you will soon realise that you do not need a women in your life. Improving yourself is the best investment you can make.

1. Become “selfish”
We have been taught, at the earliest ages of youth, that in order to 'get things done' and to 'make people happy', we must, on all levels, deny ourselves, that was also reinforced during your marriage where you sacrificed every thing for “the family”.
“I say: go do what you want! Go follow your dreams! Go embrace your passions! Go for the girl you think is 'out of your league' and super hot. Go for the fruits of life! Do NOT deprive yourself. When you do so, you slowly become embittered and turn that embitterness into a virtue. "Look how NICE I am to women." "Look how I sacrifice for my education/job/family/etc." The list goes on and on. Our age today is mercenary labour and mercantile women. Everyone wants to leverage you for their own ends. But only you know what your dreams and passions are. Your dreams are now ripe for enjoyment. If you wait too long to enjoy it, it will be as bitter to the taste as defeat. Too many people deny themselves for 'tomorrow', always 'tomorrow'. We say, "Look at that dream up there! One day, it will come down." Rather, we ought to say, "Our hour has struck!" – (Pook on selfishness).

2. You don’t need ONE woman
I do project management and a project is normally done by a team of workers or a “core team”. For a while my needs and wants were serviced by a team of women – all chosen to excel at a specific task.
Cleaning and house work
Find a good domestic worker and pay her well for it. You don’t need to live in a pig sty.
Companionship
Get some female friends and rely on your relatives
Sex
This is a difficult one because the mere act can get you emotionally involved with the person. Your self esteem has taken a hammering and wacking off to porn will worsen it even more. There is nothing wrong about resorting to the services of a hooker or more to help you out during this period and the feel of young firm flesh will make you feel good about yourself. It will also kill that desperate hungry look that makes women run a mile from you.

Step three – then love
After following these steps, you will become self assured and women will notice. But now you don’t NEED them any more and that is very attractive as well. Quality women have their own lives to lead and have also become self reliant. But they also get lonely and desire a man who has got his sh!t together to be with.
You can afford to be fussy as well and if she doesn’t meet all ideals or criteria – especially if she disses you – reject! She must accept you the way you are. You have worked too hard to get to that good place in your life to accept an unworthy women.

I just turned 50 and believe me your post resonates like a gong......agree 99% and learned/confirmed a lot of thoughts I had.

Great post if you ask me.

Solid thread. Good observations & advice for keeping sane.

Good thread. Let me add some tips:

1. Thinking of ending it? Think of that b^tch with your life insurance money. That should squelch any thoughts of self-mutilation.

2. Emotional recovery takes about 2 years; financial recovery takes 5-7 years. Once you are recovered, make sure you work yourself up to a girlfriend younger and hotter than the ex.

3. Do what is legally required in your agreement, nothing more. And I mean NOTHING. Not a cent. Trust me, neither the ex or the kids appreciate it.

4. Move on with your life. You have freedom. Stay single for awhile....most men cave and within 2 years are remarried. This is a huge no-no. The sucess rate fro second marriages is worse than for first marriages.

Establish a "Divorce Recovery Fund" in the Caymans during your marriage, and of course your statements are mailed to a rented mailbox in another town.

As a financial professional, I see men get their IRAs decimated in divorce. Talk about diminishing returns!