Help: Trust in Relationships

slickaz · Sep 30, 2009

I was deep in thought today and wanted to look back on my life of relationships and why after 28 years of life i dont have a solid gf nor have i ever had one.

the outcome was, that i have trust issues.
I dont trust people. i dont trust women, and ive had my fair share of good honest women that really did want a relationship to work but ive ruined it with not trusting em.

So, my question to you experienced guys is, how do you know if you can trust someone, esp a women and what is the root cause of this trust issue?

I come from a good background, good family, Church going and with no problems. but ive always had trust problems esp with girls.

thats gotta be bad for me right?

the girl i was seeing decided to go away for 6 weeks on a holiday with her family. she has not really contacted me in 2 weeks, thats because she doesnt have access to a phone where she is nor can she speak if she could coz her folks are crazy about enjoying time with the family.

anyway even with that i immediatly resolve that she is flirting with other guys, so, i pick my black book, call a chick over and spent the night with her, felt stupidly bad, waited a week tried to contact her, we spoke but it was a distant convo. and ended quick. so i got even more mad, and ended up chilling with another girl.

why?..........help

Interceptor · Sep 30, 2009

You just have to do the best you can and give people the benefit of the doubt.
You're also going to have to look at just how badly can someone 'hurt' you and abuse your trust. Youre not a helpless little kid. You can bounce back from nearly anything you face.
The idea is to not be blind, and naive.
But to mistrust others is usually because we actually dont have solid tools for trusting our own judgement.

Any fear we have in dealing with specific scenarios are things we havent healed and resolved from the past, and they need to be looked at eventually.

Instead of looking at the world from fear, perhaps its better to look at the world from a place of resiliency, and strength, and belief in ones heart and your true intentions.

There will be people who will try to manipulate you , use you, abuse you. And if you dont see the warning signs, then you should investigate what they were. And then not get fooled again.
But to deny yourself what you deserve, and actually deny a woman, who can potentially be very good for you, to connect with you deeply, is not really a great option either , you know?
People can be great actors and deceivers. But going around on guard all the time has more to do with a feeling of powerlessness than true internal mastery. Its important to have that paradigm shift, because that will unlock a different way of looking at things and how you will now behave towards the world with this new insight.

I dont think its a good idea to jump in head first into most things really.
I think its best to be really informed as much as possible, and then make wise decisions.
So try to observe and collect information, and make informed observations, and gain deeper insight into yourself, and who this person is, and what choices you are both making.
Youre not being forced to be with anyone. So dont think its some sort of jail sentence.
I believe its best to conduct oneself honorably, and if the other person decides to abuse your trust, then its on them, its their responsibilty. They will eventually have to deal with that, but you wont. Because your energetic exchange with them was always illuminated, and had good intentions. You were 'clean' with them.
Allow people to be who they are.Honor their place in life.
But we dont have to be naive or manipulated either.

Do the best you can. And set an example for others to see what your boundaries are and what you dont accept.

Build up your skill at discernment and accurate thinking.
Instead of retreating from people, build skills at dealing with them.

I hope this helps a little. Good luck.

Mr. Me · Sep 30, 2009

slickaz, is there anything about her that would have you think that? Does she flirt with men in your presence? Does she mention other guys? Does she seem to have a secret life and keep things from you? Or are you just dwelling on "what-ifs"? If you're simply the non-trusting type, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing unless it's messing you up. Blindly trusting people is a bad thing, that's what you'll hear all the Pollyannas do. Learn to extend "conditional trust" to people until you have reason not to. That's probably the best way to forge through life.

jophil28 · Sep 30, 2009

You want to know whether she is trustworthy ?
Get her talking about her previous relationships. Let her blab on and on about how she was a poor helpless victim ( first BIG warning sign) at the hands of a "bad man". If you listen hard enough between the lines, you will gather enough valuable evidence to make the decision to keep her or toss her back.

Most women are so egocentric that they will readily disclose their history on your enquiry. In the telling, she WILL reveal her character without realizing it..
Do not make the mistake of believing her spin . If she admits to "cheating" with a "friend" because her husband/boyfriend was "not meeting my needs", you can bet that she will do the same to you given the same circumstances.

You remember this old saying - "Leopards do not change their spots" ?
IT was probably written with women in mind.

Trustworthy women act in trustworthy ways, and ultimately you need to judge a woman by her actions, both in the past, and in the present with you.

"The greatest truth is in their behavior."

ChumpNoMore · Oct 1, 2009

the girl i was seeing decided to go away for 6 weeks on a holiday with her family. she has not really contacted me in 2 weeks, thats because she doesnt have access to a phone where she is nor can she speak if she could coz her folks are crazy about enjoying time with the family.

2 weeks and no calls? Regardless of nonexistant communication logistics and parental barriers (both of which are exceedingly unlikely), she should be jonesing to chat at you almost every day, IF SHE WAS/IS INTO YOU.

Which she is not, for whatever reason.

Thus, while I can't condone or disavow your behaviour, given the FACTS it does seem logical to move on.

After all, if you hadn't called her in TWO WEEKS, I'm sure she would very easily use that as justification for moving on / looking elsewhere.

Mr. Me · Oct 1, 2009

^^^ Yeah I had that thought too, that she'd be seeking out the nearest phone or internet access in the area, if she was really into him, and stealing herself from her family for one measly hour out of two weeks just to hear his voice for relief from such an allegedly overbearing family. Thing is, we can point that out but the situation is compromised because of the alleged "no phone anywhere around these here parts" excuse she has, and maybe there isn't a decent live zone anywhere around there, so maybe it's bull or maybe she really can't get access, we can't know for sure. But definitely that's something for him to keep in check about her interest level, on top of his trust issues. Like, if she talks about her time away and just happens to let it slip that she was speaking to a girlffriend back home while away, for example.

Now that I've written that, the thought comes... maybe, just maybe the reason he has those nagging trust/doubt issues is because of the fact she doesn't show signs of high interest. His gut senses that and so he wonders if something's going on.

DJjazzyJeff · Oct 1, 2009

What has always worked for me is to give people the benefit of the doubt at least until I learn their most common mannerisms. When somebody is lying or has done something to slight you their mannerisms will change drastically especially if you ask them questions that cause them to lie. It might be a subtle smile or increasing the distance between you and them, but most people have these indicators. The more comfortable you become with reading people's behavior the easier it is to trust them, because you will at least be content to know that you know when they are lying. Another benefit to learning more about human behavior is that you will realize that not all people are bad and not all people are good. If you can accept that, then you are on your way.

slickaz · Oct 1, 2009

Guys! Thank you all SO MUCH for all the opinions and thoughts you have penned in here, most if not all of them are excellent and have given me more to think about.

Her interest level has always seemed very high and I have tried to keep that up by not spending too much time, not giving too much attention nor calling everyday etc.

She has never stopped calling me, asking for dates or taking me out and wanting to buy me stuff. But when she went on this trip, she told me it was gonna be tough for her to contact me since there are no phones, I believe her because of where she is right now. But, like stated, im sure she could steal away for an hour and find a way to contact me, its not impossible.

Continuing from that, last couple of days i have been getting texts from her, she is using her aunty's mobile, steals it from the aunty's purse every now and then and sends me a text, which is cool.

BUT!!! one of the texts she sent me was, "baby, can you please put some money in my card its urgent, i want to use it to get a calling card to call you as well.."

Now, get this, this girl has bought me tons of stuff, from all over the world, she brings in the flyest kicks and designer gear from paris etc,..for me..so this doesnt sound too bad. I also know she wouldnt ask me for money unless she really was in the shiz.

Question is, should i give her the money? or no?
Is she taking the extra mile to contact me so i can put money in her card.

what would you do?

I do have trust issues because of just the way i am and the businesses i do. given that I also have an issue when it comes to females that are out to get drafted with the guy with the most $. I also think women can fake anything as long as they know they are with a provider, which is why I dont spend alot of money on my dates. I do the simple small enjoyable stuff that doesnt cost a lot. And really do appreciate women that put towards a date and plan a date too.

anyway, discuss plz

amoka · Oct 1, 2009

In regard to the money, I would say it all depends on how much she is asking for. And of course, how much you have. I am assuming you have plenty which is why she did not specify the amount she really NEEDs. If I were you, I would put no more than $100 in the account particularly since she is with her family there.

penkitten · Oct 1, 2009

since everyone else has already came in and told you how they person decide if another person is trustworthy, and how they qualify women... and even remind you that you can never really know anyone .....

i have to take another approach here.

are you honestly telling me that no girl has ever intrigued you enough to want to make you want to set your shield down, even for a moment ?

don't you get tired of carrying that heavy thing? always trying to shield yourself off so you never get let down?

it's ok, you seem like you are a smart man... knowing not to trust everyone.
however, if you want to experience a real relationship, sooner or later you have to decide when it's appropriate for yourself to step outside that bubble and allow yourself to trust someone. (of course, you will also have to decide when it's appropriate when to step back inside the bubble and put the shield back up.)

i'm just saying... someone somewhere in this thread was bound to remind you.
might as well be the mother hen of the forum.

horaholic · Oct 1, 2009

It seems as if she would do it for you in a heartbeat, so I would put some on her card. Then she can call you and explain the 'urgency.' It would be a different story if she were always trying to get money out of you. If this is the first time she'd ever asked, I would. It sounds like she hasnt given you any reasons to doubt her, so maybe you should give her the benefit of the doubt. I get jealous too for no reason, but I know the difference between my paranoia, and shady behaviour. If you can say that its your own issues, then you should suppress those, and stop the negative thoughts, until given a reason otherwise.

Heretolearn · Oct 2, 2009

DarthNihilus said:
"So, my question to you experienced guys is, how do you know if you can trust someone, esp a women and what is the root cause of this trust issue?"

You can never trust anyone completely much less women.

You can make a judgement call on this or that person to give a shaky trust to but it always should have a healthy suspicion to it.

For instance I have a best friend, he's a scrawny little fellow, happy go lucky guy, big bright teeth flashing smile, one of those guys you could see being a model for Kodak camera pictures. He on the surface seems like the best human being I've ever known...but do I really know him?

Do I really know what dark thoughts might enter his mind that I can never access?

Perhaps he is secretly a serial killer or thief or a liar??

You just never know with people.

And you'll drive yourself crazy stressing over it.

(Chris Benoit's family and friends certainly didn't expect him to flip out and murder everyone including himself after all.)

So the mindset you want to develop is learning to not give a fvck what happens.

Accept that you lack trust for humans, embrace this truth about yourself.

Think about this...

You COULD conceivably get hit by a car tomorrow and die or a helicopter might crash land on top of your house killing you but if you take the approach to life of not giving a fvck these possibilities won't bother you and this sort of thing as well your trust issues will come to not matter.

The not giving a fvck mindset is kind of necessary to have a peaceful life as there are tons of things to worry about and you trap yourself in place by trying to worry about them all. Not giving a fvck helps you move forward.

So if you don't give a fvck you can live in the moment being happy with whatever woman you are with each day of your life.

You are in the mindset of not giving a fvck rather than an untrusting mindset so your attitude of not giving a fvck comes across as more carefree and thus attractive and if your woman ever betrays you and runs off with someone else while you are not giving a fvck...guess what? You don't give a fvck.

You will find you someone else to live it up with until that party ends should it ever end. :rock:

So your untrusting nature is not the problem.

Ultimately your problem is making not trusting women your main focus.

Rather focus instead on living in the moment and having fun.

Not trusting people should be an afterthought really.

Its something thats a part of you but not something that should become a problem to you.

Thats where the moralists have it wrong.

Not trusting people is not whats bad.

Whats bad is letting your distrust ruin your fun and be at the forefront of your thinking.

Not giving a fvck should be at the forefront of your thinking.

Or as the old worn out Fight Club quote goes...

"Its only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything."

People are untrustworthy ok we've established that.

Now are you ready to put that at the back of your mind and just have some fun not expecting too much of them?

When you can answer yes to this question you'll be free. :yes:

brilliant post

LovelyLady · Oct 2, 2009

slickaz said:
i pick my black book, call a chick over and spent the night with her,...

ended up chilling with another girl.

And you are worried about her trustworthiness?

Interceptor · Oct 3, 2009

don't you get tired of carrying that heavy thing? always trying to shield yourself off so you never get let down?

Thats a good question to ask the woman as well.

Both partners have to have their guard down.

I remember seeing a cartoon, where the woman asked the man to put his heart on the table , while she held hers close. she needed him to be vulnerable so that she can trust him. He did,because he wanted to prove to her he was trustworthy and he understood her need to feel safe.
She then proceeded to smash his heart with a hammer, while still holding hers safe and close.

Ultimately, if one wants to lead a moral life (being trustworthy for example, Meaning, worthy of someone's trust)then one has to have the strength to have integrity.
One does so not to 'get' things from others, but for oneself.
And one doesnt stop having integrity if the other doesnt wish to either.
Just because someone isnt trustworthy to us , does not mean we then HAVE to stop being trustworthy period.

JimmyBizzle · Aug 10, 2011

"You are in the mindset of not giving a fvck rather than an untrusting mindset so your attitude of not giving a fvck comes across as more carefree and thus attractive and if your woman ever betrays you and runs off with someone else while you are not giving a fvck...guess what? You don't give a fvck."

I really like this right here.

Help: Trust in Relationships

slickaz

Master Don Juan

Interceptor

Master Don Juan

Mr. Me

Master Don Juan

jophil28

Master Don Juan

ChumpNoMore

Don Juan

Mr. Me

Master Don Juan

DJjazzyJeff

Don Juan

slickaz

Master Don Juan

amoka

Master Don Juan

penkitten

Master Don Juan

horaholic

Master Don Juan

Heretolearn

Master Don Juan

LovelyLady

Senior Don Juan

Interceptor

Master Don Juan

JimmyBizzle

Don Juan