You self esteem has been totally crippled by your upbringing. You don't believe in yourself and you are smart enough to know this is the problem.
A lot of black women, who have been played in the game, marriages didn't work out etc, take that stuff out on their male children. It usually forces kids to be one of two ways, weak and submissive, or borderline misogynist. I personally feel that's why there are so many young black gay males now. Beaten into submission by women, no role models of a good black father, and then seeing nothing by criminals, thugs, abused by other thugs and enemies,seeing their father in and out of jail or being weak and ineffective or not there at all.
First of all. How your mother and family treated you is not your fault. That is not your fault, you were a child. Remember your sister's model of behavior is your mother, so forgive your sister, she doesn't know any better. As for your mother, you might want to take a look at her life and try to understand where she is coming from, it doesn't make it right what she did, but if you understand it, it can take some of the sting away and you can cope with it logically. Remember, a woman really has no clue how to raise a man. This is why fathers are important. She might have thought she was toughening you up, but she didn't know what the hell she was doing. She just didn't, forgive her. Some people just don't know any better and are products of their environments.
"No woman will ever want you. You are not a gangsta, you don't sell drugs, you are not a thug. All women REALLY want thugs, even if a woman is WITH YOU she still DOESN'T LIKE you because you are NOT A THUG. If a woman is with you she will leave you once the THUGS come around."
Yah SOME of them like thugs, but a lot of guys play thug just to get women these days. They also like....PLAYERS. And that is what you need to become. A smooth suave player, with the backbone of thug, the smarts of a business man and the finesse of a true player. The thing about thugs, they have no fear, very confident and very much relaxed. If you have those qualities, you don't have to look like a thug to set off the same triggers.
Your fear is making you feel inadequate. And you don't want women who will only date thugs, they are low class and beneath you, never stoop down to their level.
"You will never actually succeed in business like you really want to, so why are you continuing to try? Everytime you get things going right, some NEW thing pops up. Why do you keep trying?"
I have a business and it's ALWAYS something that pops up. And there ALWAYS will be, there is not such thing as smooth sailing in life. The test in life is how you deal with these problems, do you let them defeat you, or do you keep going. One of my businesses (and the one that will probably be the most profitable in the next 2 years) just died because of a bad partnership. I could ***** and moan, I could say see, I failed again, or I could do what I did. Get a new domain name, start a new company and start over again. The average millionare starts 14 businesses before he makes a million dollars. Never forget that.
"You will never get your body to where you want it to be, why do you keep on trying? Do you think you will EVER be successful at anything?"
You know that you never get anywhere from quitting.
"Your degree sucks. You take classes online, you don't have a real degree. You are not really in college."
I'm a college drop out myself man. Unless your from a prestigious university, nobody gives a rats ass about college. College is the new high school diploma. If you plan on working for yourself, the point of college is to buy knowledge you didn't have to help you make money. If you plan on working for someone else, the point of college is to prove you are trained to do the job and that you are trainable. So stop doubting that. You know exactly why you are there.
All of this
is your gremlin, your fear, enhanced by your low self esteem. The low self esteem magnifies your fears, in your mind you look at your track record of failure and project it into the future. F.E.A.R. False Expectations Appearing Real. Memorize that. You constantly go over your list of negatives. Where is your list of positives?
Who am I supposed to be?
I'm supposed to be crazy. I'm supposed to be in jail for being crazy and just going nuts. I'm supposed to be a loser.
My fear is that when I go into these emotional outbursts, that I will do something crazy one day and actually HURT somebody and the DREAMS of all these people that have sought to bring me down over the years will FINALLY come true. They will all sit back and say, "I told you he was a loser."
At the base of these outbursts, is that I actually believe the thoughts. I mean, alot of women DO like thugs. I HAVE made many mistakes in my business. My degree is from an ONLINE institution even though it's accredited, etc.
Listen to what you are telling yourself. You have to learn to change your inner dialogue. Let me tell you something about the black community. There are a lot of damaged and destroyed families out there. Very disfunctional, and as a people we have been dysfunctional for so long it's considered normal. We don't have a clear idea of what normal is because of our history. 300 years of slavery, over of hundred years of generational poverty. We are just now getting to where we need to be. More blacks in the middle and upper middle class, feeling like we are apart of the system and not on the outside anymore. We are JUST getting there.
Who are you suppose to be? You know that. You are smart, intelligent and driven. You are suppose to be a strong black man son. You are suppose to be responsible for yourself. You are not crazy, you are not insane. You are not thug or gangster and you don't have to be. Being a thug or gangster is not the norm in any other group but ours. Look around at the other races, our numbers are skewed because of our situations (generational poverty). But it is not the norm. You are the one who is normal, they are the ones who are pretty much fvcked in the head.
At the base of these outbursts, is that I actually believe the thoughts.
Read that statement again. Now read it again. Now read it one more time. Now read the last five words. Again.
YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE THE THOUGHTS.
False. You CHOOSE to believe the thoughts, but something else in you knows that they are a lie. Which is why you are posting here.
SOMETHING ELSE IN YOU KNOWS THAT THOSE THOUGHTS ARE LIES.
Your mind is in conflict and its causing you pain. You want to vent that pain by lashing out. But that is not the way a smart intelligent black man like yourself handles it. You are not that guy in California, you will not be that guy, you hear me? You are better than that and we are not gonna let that happen to you.
You have to learn how to change what you believe. When you do that, your life will change and you will find some peace inside.
I want you to forget about girls for a while. If some come along fine, if you got one now, fine, but for going out and trying to get a bunch of women, that's not your focus right now. Right now your focus is on fixing your inner mind, repairing your self esteem and growing your confidence.
I know some ways to help you, firstly you have to start by doing just this for the next couple of days through out the weekend. Be cognizant of your thoughts, be aware of your thoughts and just give them a label. When you think something negative about yourself, recognize it as negative and label it as a "NEGATIVE" thought, when you think something positive recognize it and label it "POSITIVE". When you think about the past, label it as "PAST", when you find yourself thinking about the future (worrying) label it as "FUTURE".
Change your mental focus from inward to outward. Notice everything around you. The people, the cars, the items on the shelf. Force your mind to focus on the outer world and not the inner world. When you start thinking about yourself, stop and focus on every thing around you, all the things you don't normally notice. The feel of your steering wheel, the shape of that cloud in the distance, the stray hair on the person you are talking to, the way an old man hobbles down the street. Exit your head.
If you get to a point where you have no thoughts to label in any way but positive, think about how you feel. Notice how you feel inside your body and mind. Hold on to that feeling.
When you get to a point where you are not thinking about the past, nor worrying about the future, notice that feeling and hold on to it.
When you get to the point where you notice that your focus is outward and not inward, compare how you feel that way versus how you normally feel. Compare your anxiety levels.
It will feel stupid at first doing this...but after awhile you will notice a difference in how you feel, keep trying it until you do.
A very smart brother named Player Supreme taught me this and it has given me a lot of peace and helped me deal with a lot of stress over the years. PM me if you have any questions or want to know anything else. Don't give up man. You can do this.
