I'm too much of a jerk.

It's been a while since i've been on here, and I know what my problem is. I don't have a medium. I'm either a nice guy or a jerk. I can't be the 'good' guy. This year i tried toning down a bit. I tried talking less, I tried being nicer, and guess what? I got stepped on, I got disrespected, and got treated like **** by people who i thought were my friends. So now, all this built up resentment towards the people that have tried to oppress me just builds up, and I want to go back to way i use to be, but at the same time, it just feels morally wrong. I've recently got into a fight with a senior (i'm a sophomore) and it's made me realize that I am a jerk. This kid, who i always use to resent for picking on me when i was younger is now afraid of me. I use to be afraid to get on the bus when i was little, but now it's like the opposite effect. I've known this guy for so long, it's like i know all of his flaws, and when he got up and pushed me, I didn't hit him back. I just continued spiting out all of this horrible stuff, truthful stuff, and it made him sit down. It's like when i get into it with someone i let everything go, and I can destroy them that way. When you pick on someone's insecurities it's reinforcing them. It's the things that they think noone notices but them, and it's not always exterior. And during this scenario the guy told me i was a jerk, yeah, it sounds elementary, but it's true. He told me a lot of stuff, and yeah, it's true too. I just can't find that medium. I'm either a pushover, or i'm a jerk. Too much of a jerk. When i get into it with a girl I ALWAYS make her cry. I just can't get by this. People call me arrogant, especially in class, but I can't help the fact that i beat them on tests and stuff. This past semester it's like i wanted to go back to way i use to be. I use to be a jerk, but i was respected. I was a stronger person at 13 than I am at 16. I was more a man at that time, and that's all I'm on here. I don't care about the girls, or the sex at the moment. I just want to become a man. A good man. Someone like my dad, someone who's respected and liked. It's like I HAVE to choose, but i'm not giving in to that anymore. I'm focusing on becoming a good guy, not a 'jerk' or a 'nice' guy. I shouldn't have to sacrifice one for another.

Lol i promise i'm not one of those emo queers

It's best to be a jerk without being mean, but it's better to be a jerk than it is to be a nice guy.

I think some people take the "jerk" thing way too seriously. In my personal opinion I'd much rather be a MAN than a jerk. A jerk puts people down to make him feel better about himself. A man doesn't have to because he is already confident in himself. A jerk goes against what others say just for the sake of being cool, or a badass. A man does what he wants and makes his own decisions. A jerk is only nice when he wants something and abuses people's trust. A man earns respect from people by showing it to others, and in turn actually receives favors from friends that actually care about him. You just need to find that happy medium. It's okay to be a jerk sometimes, but you're going to realize that it's magic is only temporary.

I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of being a man and standing up for myself. I thought my dad taught me better than that. I'm intimidated by some kids that are stronger than me, or smarter than me, and I put down people below me to compensate for it. I really need to change this. I was raised better. At this moment I feel especially vulnerable because I broke my collar bone and it's just now healing up, but i haven't been able to do anything really. I feel so much weaker than everyone even though i already was weaker than all the football players.

Well you've already said what your problem is. I found it hard to attain that happy medium for years, just like you are now. The problem is your image of yourself. You are either nice and you're vulnerable, or you cover up that vulnerability with being an assh*le.

You need to work on how you view yourself. The easiest way to do that is to focus on self improvement. Lift weights, go to the gym, eat right, stick to your morals, etc. You'll feel much better, and when you're feeling truly good about yourself, you have a much easier time attaining that happy medium.