I'm 28 and girlfriend wants to get engaged...

Hello Gentlemen,

Here's my situation:

1. I'm 28 years old (g/f is 28) and we have been dating for almost 2 years.
2. She is my first real relationship
3. She had gone abroad during our relationship for graduate school for 1 year and has been back for the last 7 months.

4. She wants to get engaged and keeps on bringing it up in our conversations. I keep on telling her I am not ready because she is my first LTR and half of our relationship she was away for school.

5. My girlfriend gets upset and we often argue about this. (she thinks i should be ready to settle down because I am 28. She doesn't understand that I need more time and experience in the b/f g/f stage of a relationship before i can commit to marrying her. She and I were friends for 2 year prior to starting our relationship because she was in another relationship. She feels those 'years' as friendship count as knowing each other so we don't need much time now dating. I disagree.

So I ask you gentlemen, am i being reasonable? I always wanted to have at least a few years of being in a normal relationship before we got engaged...but that would put her at 31/32 by the time she gets married, and she is not happy with that.

Just looking for some insight and clarity, thank you

Are you so scared to lose your gf you won't put your foot down?

If you are, then definitely do not buckle under her pressure.

What's the rush? She wants to have babies? Why get married at all?

I agree with you that time spent as friends while she was in another relationship doesn't count. Since she wasn't in a relationship with you during that time, you didn't have the kind of interactions where you discover who the person really is that you're dating.

And since for the two years you have been dating, one year of it has been spent apart, you can't count the last two years either.

My point is, you've only actually been dating her for about seven months. And that's way too soon to agree to marry someone. And then be tied to them even if it doesn't work out and have the further years of financial responsibility by fathering children.

I won't get into how maybe you'd also have a wandering eye if you did tie the knot, not having experienced enough other women first. But I will take this track:

Maybe she's great? Is she? I mean, she doesn't boss you around, doesn't nag, she respects you, she's considerate of you, doesn't deny you sex, enjoys it with you, is a giver, flexible, has a great sense of humor no big temper, is crazy about you, doesn't have weight issues, medical issues, doesn't overspend or buy needless junk, pays her bills on time, no car problems, no psychotic episodes, doesn't hit you, yell at you, curse at you, call you names or insult you, loves her family, has no bad influencing girlfriends, no drug problems, no alcohol problems, is not on psychiatric medication, her ex doesn't keep in contact with her nor are there any calls from overseas strangers named Raul whom she met while she was abroad, no gut feelings that anything's amiss, she doesn't tell you things that don't ring true, doesn't flirt with other guys? Then maybe she is marriage material. But you'd still be wise to wait until you've been with her fully for a couple of years, and then get engaged maybe, but not married.

Mr. Me said:

What's the rush? She wants to have babies? Why get married at all?

I agree with you that time spent as friends while she was in another relationship doesn't count. Since she wasn't in a relationship with you during that time, you didn't have the kind of interactions where you discover who the person really is that you're dating.

And since for the two years you have been dating, one year of it has been spent apart, you can't count the last two years either.

My point is, you've only actually been dating her for about seven months. And that's way too soon to agree to marry someone. And then be tied to them even if it doesn't work out and have the further years of financial responsibility by fathering children.

I won't get into how maybe you'd also have a wandering eye if you did tie the knot, not having experienced enough other women first. But I will take this track:

Maybe she's great? Is she? I mean, she doesn't boss you around, doesn't nag, she respects you, she's considerate of you, doesn't deny you sex, enjoys it with you, is a giver, flexible, has a great sense of humor no big temper, is crazy about you, doesn't have weight issues, medical issues, doesn't overspend or buy needless junk, pays her bills on time, no car problems, no psychotic episodes, doesn't hit you, yell at you, curse at you, call you names or insult you, loves her family, has no bad influencing girlfriends, no drug problems, no alcohol problems, is not on psychiatric medication, her ex doesn't keep in contact with her nor are there any calls from overseas strangers named Raul whom she met while she was abroad, no gut feelings that anything's amiss, she doesn't tell you things that don't ring true, doesn't flirt with other guys? Then maybe she is marriage material. But you'd be wise to wait until you've been with her fully for a couple of years.

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Mr. Me. Thanks for the feedback...i must say i have taken a lot of valuable insight from your comments.

I think she is a wonderful girl and I do see us moving to that level of commitment down the road but you are right i need more time. On the bright side, she completely passes your checklist which is great news, it does further confirm she is marriage material, but I just cant commit to that right now.

I keep on telling her its not that something is wrong with her (she is the type of girl that i wouldnt have had the balls in approaching in my single days), but its me and because i dont have the same experiences as you, im not ready to settle down yet.

I have a few friends my age who are engaged/married, and they bug me about it to, saying that im so lucky to have an amazing girl that most guys would snatch up if she was single. I guess the pressure from her, friends, family is getting to me and no one seems to understand me...hence why i came here to see if some guys out here would.

wjh said:

Are you so scared to lose your gf you won't put your foot down?

If you are, then definitely do not buckle under her pressure.

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im not at that stage with her where she is giving me an ultimatum, but this situation is causing tension in our relationship, so im trying to figure out how this can be alleviated. Of course I don't intended on bucking to her pressure

i must say i have taken a lot of valuable insight from your comments.

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Damn, now I have to watch what I post.

this situation is causing tension in our relationship, so im trying to figure out how this can be alleviated.

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Just give her a big smile, give her a kiss and say anything like:

"Sure! What day in 2014 do you have in mind, honey?"

Deflect with humor.

have a few friends my age who are engaged/married, and they bug me about it

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Don't let yourself feel pressured by them. They're not responsible for your life. Just smile and nod your head when they mention it and say "Ya think so? Okay! Thanks!" and that should take the steam out of them. They can't argue with someone who seems to agree with them.

The only way to alleviate this is to "compromise" your own feelings or walk away. She isn't going to stop nagging you about it. No one cares about men's feelings about marriage, so you will be shamed by everyone, even some men.

I'm not religious so marriage means absolutely nothing to me, but if you do go through with it because you were pressured into it you won't be happy.

Nothing changes after getting married except "legal obligations involving money". The pressure to keep things going "smooth" after a marriage is almost entirely placed on men, it's a free ride for women, when they aren't "happy" it's your fault and you better watch your back (finances).

Don't worry too much because women will try to hook you after two years. It comes from the fact that they want to feel this relationship is going somewhere. You think she's the one, so you should definitely consider it: the key word is consider it. If you just fall apart one day because you're tired of her nagging you, she'll know you'll cave from then on. On the other hand, don't say you're not getting engaged period if you really see yourself with her. My best advice is to sit, talk to her about what the engagement means to both you, and take a little time to consider what you want. I know you're worried that you need to get some stuff done before getting engaged, but you need to examine whether you can get it done while you're engaged because all it means is that you're going to get married one day. If you can only accomplish some stuff while being single, let her know. But if you see you can do it while being engaged, I say go for it. Just remember to keep the relationship fun and don't get bogged down with all the stress of "getting stuff together" before you get married. Just let her know you're thinking about it too and you should be fine.

I'm just gonna pipe up one more time here as a guy who when I was about 22, had a girlfriend that seriously tried to get me to marry her, which I didn't. But here's what I'd like you to consider:

The very fact that you haven't agreed to get married keeps her wanting it.

IOW, you're being a challenge. It's making HER wanting to marry YOU - and that's the good stuff here, rather then you chasing after her on bended knee with ring in hand begging for her to marry you and her refusing.

Consider also that if you keep "deflecting" and she decides to issue you an ultimatum and/or move on to find the "marrying kind of guy", then her agenda is all about HERSELF and about getting married no matter what. If, OTOH, she decides to stay put even though you're not setting any date, then it's because she wants YOU no matter what. It's going to be on your terms, not hers. Having a talk with her about what your marriage entails is the talk you'll have when deciding to get married. But you haven't gotten to that point where you've decided to get married because you haven't had enough time with her yet to be comfortable with it.

So wait, she wants to count the two years she was riding some other guy's penis as time that counts towards your relationship with her?

CHICK LOGIC, gotta love it.

the ONLY time you should ever get married, is when you truly really want to, and cant wait to marry the girl who you are in love with and she is in love with you!

you should NOT get married if its "just going through the motions" or if you "need time first", or any of that shyt - all of that says that YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE MARRIED

stop letting people pressure you into things you don't want to do, and always look out for #1 - YOURSELF

VictorK said:

.... (she thinks i should be ready to settle down because I am 28. She doesn't understand that I need more time and experience in the b/f g/f stage of a relationship before i can commit to marrying her.

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Marriage ,takes TWO people to say YES, or only one to say NO ( or "not yet" )

Your G/f does indeed "understand " your desire for more time, but she does not care what you want otherwise she would not be badgering you like she is.
Her willingness to nag, argue and debate this is a huge warning bell in itself.
SHe is not respecting YOUR wishes and wants in something as huge as marriage. . All that matters to her is getting her own way.

Clanging warning bells here.

Tazman said:

No one cares about men's feelings about marriage

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... or anything else for that matter. It's amazing to me just how much disregard women will show a man's feelings and then go on to whine about their own.

I would like to thank all of you for helpful comments and feedback. I was debating on wether to post this topic on the main dicussion board or here...I'm glad I made the right choice.

I agree with the common themes that i am reading in everyones post. Marriage is serious and both individuals have to be ready for that step or it isn't going to work. Despite the pressures from everyone around me, I don't plan to cave in, I need to do what I think is right.

I've never felt this way about a woman before...but then again she's really my first serious relationship. Most guys my age probably have had more experience then me, thus are more likely to get engaged if not married by my age...so i think thats what she doesn't get.

Shes a great girl, totally giving, sincere...the type of girl you would be happy to take home to meet the parents...but she can be manipulative at times. She tells me that if she doesn't get married soon, by the time I am ready for marriage she will be in her early 30s, and then by the time she has kids (mid 30s), they're are lots of chances for complications to the babys health and her health...so she says if i cared for her, i wouldn't put her or our 'unborn' children at risk......after writing that...i admit...women logic is sometimes crazy.

"Shes a great girl, totally giving, sincere...the type of girl you would be happy to take home to meet the parents...but she can be manipulative at times. She tells me that if she doesn't get married soon, by the time I am ready for marriage she will be in her early 30s, and then by the time she has kids, they're are lots of chances for complications to the babys health and her health...so she says if i cared for her, i wouldn't put her or are 'unborn' children at risk......after writing that...i admit...women logic is sometimes crazy."

Thats a sickening level of emotional manipulation right there.

Its not even comparable to say a girlfriend really wanting you to take her out to a fancy expensive restaurant and your manipulative reward after that would be the best sex you ever had etc.

Thats a normal playful kind of harmless manipulation, hell that example I just gave may not even be manipulation so much as persuasion as manipulation is based on deceit and persuasion isn't.

Anyway using the concept of your unborn child's health to try and get you to commit should be grounds for you ending the relationship right now.

You'll just have more of this sort of bargaining to look forward to down the line when she doesn't get her way.

Its the very callous and cruel kind of manipulation where it appears she is making a reasonable appeal to you but in reality she doesn't believe what she is saying at all she just wants to be married at a certain age and time and will do and say anything to acheive that goal.

Always cracks me up how guys come on here and tell us how kind caring and thoughtful their girlfriend/soon to be wife is and then they throw in an aside comment such as oh but she emotionally manipulates me sometimes but its no big deal she's a really great girl or she's got a temper problem and likes to punch me and break my teeth out of my skull but she's really a sweety deep down.

Come on guys...

She either is a good girl or she isn't.

Don't let the rose colored glasses deceive you to your woman's true and total nature.

In other words see her for all that she is, not just the parts that you admire and want to see in her.

wow, can you trade her in for a younger model? do you two live together? Do you both make enough money to even have kids? Like you said stay strong, and when your ready you will be ready. Every happily married man I know or the two I know said when they met their Wives they knew. I do not feel like this is the case for you. I think marriage is great if it works. I plan on getting married someday but the Future Mrs V. is still in middle school and will have to wait 8-10 year before her and I meet. My goal is to be mid to late 30's. By that time I will have paid off my house, and have a lot of money saved up, and done all the things i will have wanted to do.

I think you know the answer deep down.
And you have to be ready to let her go if the timing isnt right.

Going ahead with it because this is what SHE wants, and youre still hesitant will make no one fulfilled and happy.
Most marriages start like that.
And most marriages like that end in divorce.

Continue to understand her desires and what she feels is fulfilling.
Respect all those feelings,dude. Honor it.
But if you are really digging in your heels it means youre simply not ready.
And she MUST respect that.
She doesnt have to stick around, but she cant judge you as some evil abomination either.And you have to be willing to accept theres a chance she'll walk.
Be at peace with that.
Not every couple are at the same EXACT 'timing'.

And if you REALLY love her and REALLY want to be with her continue to SHOW her. Dont take her for granted whenever possible. Keep reminding yourself. It's hard, but it needs to be done.
Keep respect and honor her. Even through the tough times.

Good luck.

if she's trying to boss you around? Bail now. WHat is her attitude towards you? Does she respect your opinion? Or is she one of the new "super women" where a man knows nothing[BAIL NOW]

So, your gut tells you you need more time, its right more than you think-find out why your gut is giving you this feeling. I've ignored it at my peril more than once because I could THINK-usually it was right and I was wrong.

Mr. Me said:

She wants to have babies?

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That's most women at 28. The biological clock starts ticking earlier and earlier these days.

squirrels said:

That's most women at 28. The biological clock starts ticking earlier and earlier these days.

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LOL. So women back in the olden days didn't want to have babies until their 40s or what?