Need help getting out of this FUNK

Ok, so I'm gonna lay it out on the line here.

I've had my share of ups and downs over the past couple of years. Quite honestly, there has been a LOT of down.

But things have gotten better. I have come to terms with a lot of the sh!t that has happened to me, and I THOUGHT I was beginning to move forward.

But I'll be damned, if over the past few weeks, if I haven't been slipping deeper and deeper into a rut, a funk, a bad mood, almost to the point of depression.

I don't know what's up.

I look back on what has happened over the past month or so, and there hasn't been a whole lot that has changed.

I mean, the economy SUCKS, and I'm feeling it just like most people are, but that's not it.

I also just found out that another "friend" of mine most likely screwed me over for about $6,500. That's a long and complicated story, but I don't think that's it either.

Really, the only thing I can think of is that it has to do with WOMEN.

Now, before I continue, let me make something VERY clear. I do not have "oneitis" or even "feelings" for ANY woman at this point in my life.

I did recently give the 22yo the big heave-ho, but at the very minimum i had low expectations that I was going to see anything out of it, so it's not like my hopes and dreams were dashed. I wanted to get a piece of ass, and it didn't work out that way at this point in time. Done deal.

I should mention that there are no new women in the pipeline. It's VERY tough to attract women when you are down and depressed. It's a vicious cycle, but I don't know how to snap myself out of it.

Aside from a couple of VERY long shots....I have no prospect for securing intimacy (I could care less about sex....I'm looking to "connect" with a woman).

I have officially doubled my record for being out of a LTR. I just hit the 3 year mark, and I'm thinking that has something to do with my state of mind.

I have had sex/ sexual contact/ dated several women since my last real g/f, but it's been nothing but a string of unfulfilling encounters. The closest I had to a relationship was with the chick that contacted me several months into the relationship (via email) to tell me she had started seeing a guy she knew from h/s, who she went on to marry a few months later.

It's been nothing but bad luck with women. I know part of it has to do with the other BS I have been through having taken its toll on me, but why is depression rearing it's ugly head just as things are starting to look better?

Seriously, I need to get my head out of my ass. I recently cut back on drinking, started eating right, started working out, started a new business that has UBER potential, yet I'm an absolute wreck. I put on a decent front, but no matter what I do I feel like I'm walking around with a permanent frown on my face. NOT GOOD. I haven't had a woman approach me in a bar in many months. That's how I KNOW it's bad. It's like I have chick repellent on (and I do...it's my attitude).

I honestly don't know what to do. Maybe it's a variety of factors that are causing this, but I don't know how to go about getting to the bottom of things. Any suggestions?

STR8UP: I think your taking the right steps to move in the right direction with your life. I think you'd be lying to us all if you said you weren't ready to settle down with a cool, high quality chick that your ATTRACTED to (that's the key, I meet high quality chicks all the time that do zip for me physically).

Part of the problem with this transition is when you take yourself out of "the scene" where your meeting new women and getting attention, you flat out get lonely. I go through phases where I don't go out much and it emotionally fuvks with your mind. Even though your getting out of the party scene for now, you should still go out and interact with women.

State of mind and confidence can become pretty shakey when you suddenly change up your routine. I've followed most of your posts over the past few years and I think your on the right track to becoming happy with yourself.

There's always rough patches on the journey and its completely normal in my opinion to have ups and downs during the process. Don't let that discourage you on your path to self-improvement.

Stay strong bro and prioritize your happiness within yourself first before your focus on women.



PIMP

Brother, it all comes down to how much power you want to let the bad sh1t have over you.

I work with a chick who's convinced she has "Bad Karma" following her around like a tail. I tell her Good Karma is closer to her than she possibly realizes and that she doesn't want to confront the garbage which brings her down. She focuses on the negative because it gives her a moment to feel sorry for herself and make her ego a bit maniacal, thus giving her some semblence of masked superiority.

You have loads of good karma with you. We all have mountains of mediocrity to climb and waterfalls of inferiority to tumble over but it's our recovery from these times which bears the most important and most life fulfulling lessons which we learn from.

Once thing I know is that I do not learn from my successes. I learn from my failures.

STR8UP, whenever i read threads started by you, i feel like having a long lost twin brother overseas.
Since i am in a pretty similiar situation myself, i can tell how business ( or the lack of ), financial issues and other trouble affect your "game" and your inner peace. I have been struggling with pretty much everything over the last 3 years and although things are slowly starting to work out, i still often feel depressed and wrecked by the events, experiences and mishaps that took place.
Just like you i got screwed over by good friends, let down by people i thought i could count on. And all these things happened during a time, when i was already wrecked and knocked down because of my fathers unexpected death anyway.

Now for your situation: I think that you're doing well with the way you're handling yourself. Starting a new business takes a lot of time and effort. Not to mention a lot of money.
I guess you're becoming somewhat careful and cautious in choosing the people you befriend and/or do business with due to a lot of bad experiences. The same goes for women.
Having a lot of life experience and a good knowledge of human nature is somewhat disaffecting and disenchanting.
Now with all that "reality" on your mind, it's sometimes hard to keep the faith.
I think it's one of those turning points in life and you still don't know what exactly to make of it. I think you have put a lot of pressure on yourself in terms of business and want to succeed no matter what.
And all of that of course affects your game. I have never sucked more before in meeting and attracting the ladies like i do right now. Seems the only ones i am attracting are flakes and complete nutcases. The quality women i meet or i know are not interested. Somehow i feel like some of them are keeping me in a holding pattern and are waiting to see if i finally turn out a frog or a prince.
Financial issues are a contributing factor to the whole misery and render the current situation even more unpleasant, although you know that this particular issue will change in a matter of days as soon as your business takes off.
At 18 or 25 being broke or "not exactly liquid" is no big deal. At 36 things look a bit different.

I don't know if you can relate to some of this or not but that's how i see things right now.
Either way, keep your head up!

Do you exercise?

guru1000 said:

Is this financial related or social depression?

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As you know, I've been through some bad sh!t financially recently, which has DEFINITELY taken its toll, but I have long since come to terms with the situation I am in and I know in every part of my mind and body that I have what it takes to re-organize and re-focus and come back bigger and better than ever. Matter of fact, it's looking like a lot of that stuff might have been a blessing because it caused me to HAVE to re-evaluate and take a different path.

So I believe it is more socially related than anything. That said, With my new obligations and such I haven't been able to travel and do the things I enjoy quite as much, so my work life does tie into this as well.

kingwilliam said:

Do you exercise?

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I have been doing cardio for that past month or two. Even bought a recumbent bike for my condo. I know I need to hit the weights because that will definitely help boost the "T" levels, but I need to lose a few pounds so I decided to cut the calories and start with a cutting cyle. I'm down about 6 pounds, which is not great, but I can already see some improvement. I'd like to kick it in the ass and lose another 10 by the end of the year, then go to the weights.

Fallen said:

And all of that of course affects your game. I have never sucked more before in meeting and attracting the ladies like i do right now. Seems the only ones i am attracting are flakes and complete nutcases. The quality women i meet or i know are not interested. Somehow i feel like some of them are keeping me in a holding pattern and are waiting to see if i finally turn out a frog or a prince.

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It's funny, cause a few months ago this wasn't such a problem. Now I feel like I have a biohazard stamp across my forehead or something. I mean, even when there's a little hope for something it just fizzles out and it's gone. Last weekend I was supposed to meet up with a cute little blonde I've known for a couple of years that lives out of town (I attended a meeting in her town) that I have always gotten tons of buying signals from. Turns out she had to work, was VERY apologetic about it and told me she was trying to come up my way for Halloween. We shall see...

It just seems like EVERYTHING falls through lately. The last couple of chicks I dated....went out a few times and it went GREAT but it went NOWHERE. Have a feeling neither one of them was "entirely single" which probably had something to do with it.

KarmaSutra said:

Once thing I know is that I do not learn from my successes. I learn from my failures.

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Karma buddy....good to see you are still lurking.

This is absolutely true, and I know that all of my fukk ups are leading up to something HUGE. It might not happen this month or this year, but I can FEEL it in every part of me.

My problem now is that I have to shake this fog. It's really bugging me cause I can't get to the root of the problem to be able to address it. If I could, I would tackle it head on and be done with it, but I guess it's a combination of factors, some of which I have control over, others which i have less control over. The worst part about it is that the deeper it goes the harder it is to get out of it.

You know, if I met an awesome chick tomorrow that liked me and was able to spend some time with a decent woman for a change I think it would bet my head back in the game, but it's that vicious cycle that kicks you when you're down that really sucks. No good looking, sane woman wants anything to do with a man who is down.

Pimp-sicle said:

Part of the problem with this transition is when you take yourself out of "the scene" where your meeting new women and getting attention, you flat out get lonely.

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See, I'm trying VERY hard to keep myself In the scene, but when my friends go out and I'm in this rut all I wanna do is stay home. So how does that come off to other people? It makes it even worse because when I force myself to try to have a good time and it doesn't work (sometimes it does, mostly it doesn't) people can see that on my face and it only serves as a mirror to see how pathetic I am right now.

I guess I kind of had a crutch for the longest time over the past couple of years in that I had a strong social network with a lot of women in it that basically spoon fed me prospects, now most of them have moved away and I feel like my support group has left me, haha.

Back then I could go out and each time there were a couple of new women in the group, I had social proof going on, other women talk me up....it was easy, and I was having fun despite being down in the dumps.

Now it's like I've been thrown to the dogs, where I have to make new connections with women on my own, and that's VERY difficualt to do when you are at the bottom of a rut. I'm just not in the right frame of mind to chat up chicks.

STR8UP, I think everyone is getting a bit funky around now.

The end of summer, economy, cold and flu season, pre-holiday harshness, trouble sleeping... there are so many stresses that, when coupled with physical things like being tired, they end up overwhelming. I've been feeling pretty "blah" lately, as have many people I know.

However, I started looking at a few positive things instead. Hunting seasons are opening up, women tend to hook up in the fall for the winter haul, I'm making lots of progress on my castle, and I'm prioritizing sleep time more. So, I am waking up with things to look forward to, like the weekend hunting adventure, the hotties coming into my work in the evening, etc.

I just had been beating myself up about my situation with a friend. Dude put me on track by essentially asking "how's your castle?" He reminded me that, although times might seem to suck now, in the bigger picture, I'm kicking ass in a major way.

Look forward to something. Every day will be closer to it: and that's a reason to be happy. Every time you look at a minute tick off the clock, you'll be even happier.

:rock:

STR8UP said:

Back then I could go out and each time there were a couple of new women in the group, I had social proof going on, other women talk me up....it was easy, and I was having fun despite being down in the dumps.

Now it's like I've been thrown to the dogs, where I have to make new connections with women on my own, and that's VERY difficualt to do when you are at the bottom of a rut. I'm just not in the right frame of mind to chat up chicks.

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Hey Str8up!

Have you ever thought of talking to life coach/counselor? They can really help you focus what you want out of your life with an objective view that isn't biased.

Vulpine said:

The end of summer, economy, cold and flu season, pre-holiday harshness, trouble sleeping... there are so many stresses that, when coupled with physical things like being tired, they end up overwhelming.

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That's another thing.

I have lung problems. Asthmatic symptoms that cause me to get sick often. I have basically been sick for the past two months or more. Doesn't help. Especially when I know that if I go out and spend an hour or two in a smoky environment, I will be coughing like a 50 year chain smoker for the rest of the week and possibly end up with bronchitis

thissucks003 said:

Hey Str8up!

Have you ever thought of talking to life coach/counselor? They can really help you focus what you want out of your life with an objective view that isn't biased.

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I have a friend that has about ten years of college behind him, a psych degree, nursing degree, maters, you name it.

He was getting into the life coaching stuff and has done counseling before, so I would love to talk to him about it but there's just something about a good friend being your "counselor" that doesn't jive with me....

B-more recently pulled that "no-smoking ordnance" crap. I'm thrilled to death...I can actually wear my nice clothes to the club without having to worry about washing them.

Dont' stay stuck at home, man. Get out. Talk to people.

I've been a homebody the last SEVERAL months...it hasn't helped a bit. Even if you don't feel like putting the effort into "running game" on bar-skanks and low-quality women, go out there and just TALK to them. Tease them...keep your game sharp. You don't have to look to close a deal...just talk to other people. Just get out and TALK to them. Talk to ladies. Laugh at the female perspective, at how they think. It's easier to laugh at them when you're not "involved" with them.

You sound like the type of person who pushes yourself really hard. That's a surefire recipe for depression with women. You may just need to learn to have fun again.

Str8up, I think that you live an exciting lifestyle, one of challenges, uncertainty, the excitement of wins..and some loses.

Wins, likes having the courage to take a chance and start up new businesses, and succeed with them. Wins, like having a revolving door of women, and a very active social life. But with this, comes challenges like the economy..and having a so-called friend steal from you. Or, women not appearing what they seem to be.

But think of the course you've set for your life. Think about what you've accomplished, and the knowledge you've gained.

I liken it to a sailboat sailing in the ocean swell. The swell you have is one of many ups and downs, but you can control your boat, how your life...the life that's directly around you, responds to the ups and downs. Ie..focus on the things you can control in your life, right now this very moment. Adjust your 'sails'.

Even small things, like an upgrade to your home you've always wanted to do..

Adjust them, and use those things to guide your life, to account for the things you can not control.

Stress is based upon things we can not control in life.

Regarding women, and their need to find stability and security, sometimes when things get shakey, we get the feeling that when our feet are not grounded at the moment, it affects how women see us. It affects our confidence in generating attraction in them.

When all you really need to do, is maybe make a couple of minor adjustmests to your sails, and you are back on course again. A little tweak here or there, based upon the conditions around you.

Remember, you've chosen a life of excitement for a reason.

STR8UP said:

I have a friend that has about ten years of college behind him, a psych degree, nursing degree, maters, you name it.

He was getting into the life coaching stuff and has done counseling before, so I would love to talk to him about it but there's just something about a good friend being your "counselor" that doesn't jive with me....

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Don't go to a friend! Go to someone you don't know! You won't be able to fully speak your mind with a good friend. You want an objective view from someone that doesn't you. I know this because I can speak from expierence. I was going through a huge rut in my life that I kept doing the same things over and over. He helped me focus to what is important in my life and I have been a my happier person with a much fuller life. I know there is a certain conotation with seeing a counselor/coach, but it is much more prevelant and acceptable today than it was years ago.

guru1000 said:

From my personal experience, being very financial liquid and using that as my attraction asset has invited filth into my circle. Using my character has brought me diamonds.

This may be the turning stone you have desperately needed. It is much better to attain relationships of value based on who you have become than to end up in a nasty divorce based on IMAGE attraction.

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:nervous: Uh oh...

Here it comes...

guru1000 said:

At the end of the day, this all comes down to your state of mind.

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I agree. How do I get myself to a better state of mind?

When you have a business oriented mindframe and revenue is tight, no matter how much you would like to pretend it's OK, it somehow trickles down to your social life. As you know, I have been there with big highs and super big lows.

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I agree, but the key is how much. If I had to put a percentage on it, I would say that only 10-20% of my problem stems from the stresses of my business life. That's pretty low, I think, and I am working to improve it and have no direct control to change it overnight, so I feel i need to focus on the other things that are causing this. I just need to figure out what they are!

There is no advice that will immediately create the feel good endorphins you crave. What has done it for me was the "School of Hard Knocks" understanding.

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Actually, Zoloft is a pretty powerful mood elevator. It helped me get through some rough times. Too bad it's toxic sh!t that makes you trade a sense of wellbeing for a bunch of other things that I am not willing to give up (It isn't fun not being able to bust a nut no matter how hard you try.....)

How you handle this moment in your life will directly influence the timeframe to BEAT these tough times. One thing that has worked for me is an understanding that my image and income are not my assets. I attract more now because I am well grounded. This is not to be confused with defeated but rather I attract based on who I am , not what I can produce.

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I too understand this. I honestly do not believe this is the issue. I don't feel like I have been pushed off a pedestal, so to speak, so what can I do aside from working out, pushing myself forward and TRYING to be social?

From my personal experience, being very financial liquid and using that as my attraction asset has invited filth into my circle. Using my character has brought me diamonds.

This may be the turning stone you have desperately needed. It is much better to attain relationships of value based on who you have become than to end up in a nasty divorce based on IMAGE attraction.

I have fewer friends now and a great girl. But only because I have made a choice of who is welcome into my circle.

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As much as Vulpine thinks I am going to disagree with this statement, I actually agree with it.

And it only sounds like I am doing a 180 because he was missing my point in the other thread.

The thing is, it has always been state of mind that determines your success in all aspects of life. If you don't have that in order, nothing can help you.

I have to admit, when things were better for me business wise, it was a rush that allowed me to ride a wave of confidence, but my self-worth was never directly tied to my balance sheet.

And I have had decent women and crap women throughout my ups and downs, so I know it isn't directly related to my business life.

squirrels said:

Dont' stay stuck at home, man. Get out. Talk to people.

I've been a homebody the last SEVERAL months...it hasn't helped a bit. Even if you don't feel like putting the effort into "running game" on bar-skanks and low-quality women, go out there and just TALK to them. Tease them...keep your game sharp. You don't have to look to close a deal...just talk to other people. Just get out and TALK to them. Talk to ladies. Laugh at the female perspective, at how they think. It's easier to laugh at them when you're not "involved" with them.

You sound like the type of person who pushes yourself really hard. That's a surefire recipe for depression with women. You may just need to learn to have fun again.

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I agree that getting out is important. But when I DO get out I just feel like being home. How do you go about cheering yourself on enough just to be able to muster enough energy to make the effort?

hey man.

i think what might help you at this point is to start approaching life differently. you talk about women approaching you in bars.. i dont know about you but i dont want to or expect to meet women who hang out in bars. what i would do if i was you is change your look up a little, maybe cut your hair different. change some things in your life, keep up with the gym. maybe after you start doing that, and hanging out in new places, you will find that you will meet a different variety of people who are closer to what you are looking for.

one example is to hang out in groups. when you hang out with groups of friends thats how you meet people through people. do you have a social circle you could get more involved with?

what types of ways do you envision yourself connecting with a woman? have you thought about the types of things that you would like to do together? maybe if you go out and start doing those things more often you might start meeting more women who share these interests.

life is tough these days and you got to stay positive. the most important thing for me other than self esteem and getting past my insecurities - is motivation. have you asked yourself lately what motivates you? is there something about you, or your life - that you can find a way to be more motivated and excited about? i thnk that when you start enjoying life more and put on a happy face with a smile you will be a lot more approachable.

put up personal ads online if you have to. take days off where you just go to random places like the mall, coffee shops, book stores etc etc. frequent different places. start random little conversations with people.

you miss 100% of the shots you dont take.

good luck!

Vulpine said:

STR8UP, I think everyone is getting a bit funky around now.

The end of summer, economy, cold and flu season, pre-holiday harshness, trouble sleeping... there are so many stresses that, when coupled with physical things like being tired, they end up overwhelming. I've been feeling pretty "blah" lately, as have many people I know.

However, I started looking at a few positive things instead. Hunting seasons are opening up, women tend to hook up in the fall for the winter haul, I'm making lots of progress on my castle, and I'm prioritizing sleep time more. So, I am waking up with things to look forward to, like the weekend hunting adventure, the hotties coming into my work in the evening, etc.

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I second this. Fall (and winter, especially) are common times for "peripheral depression" (close but not full-on) and clinical depression. The daylight hours wane, it gets colder, and it seems that everyone is hunkering down with a significant other for the winter. Women Ive noticed are definitely more active in seeking a realtionship in the fall...at least in the north/midwest. You live in Florida so this probably doesnt apply.

It seems to me like your problem stems from a lack of meaningful social connection. This is also known as loneliness. Loneliness can be a sort of self-reinforcing loop that compounds on itself, making the feelings even worse. As you said, it's your attitude that has hindered you in many ways socially, and loneliness not only affects the way we percieve social situations but also the way we react to them. If it goes on for long enough it will invariably manifest itself in your attitude and you will be less likely to recognize or sieze opportunities for connection. To make matters worse, other people will be less likely to engage you, and this in turn reinforces your own distorted (but very real to you) perceptions of the world around you.

It's not necessarily solitude I am refering to, but the subjective experience of being alone. You could be dating multiple women, have many acquaintances, or be around others all day long and still feel this way if your natural needs for social connection arent being met.

We all have an innate hereditary 'barometer' for social connection. Some need relatively little, while others need constant human contact. In some capacity, your needs and desires for connection are not being met, and my suspicion is that things have been this way for you for some time now. Even being sexually active may not help; in fact it can sometimes make matters worse.

So, FWIW, I feel you. Every winter I deal with seasonal depression to some degree, and it always passes; but there have been times when I have had to seek help.

If you want some reference material, check out this book: http://www.amazon.com/Loneliness-Human-Nature-Social-Connection/dp/0393061701/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1224529708&sr=8-1

STR8UP said:

As much as Vulpine thinks I am going to disagree with this statement, I actually agree with it.

And it only sounds like I am doing a 180 because he was missing my point in the other thread.

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Hey, hey, HEY! There is a difference between missing a point and not subscribing to another person's point of view.

I was just hoping that this thread didn't go off on that tangent.

STR8UP said:

Actually, Zoloft is a pretty powerful mood elevator. It helped me get through some rough times. Too bad it's toxic sh!t that makes you trade a sense of wellbeing for a bunch of other things that I am not willing to give up (It isn't fun not being able to bust a nut no matter how hard you try.....)

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What other things did you experience that you didn't like on antidepressants?

I almost started taking them once. I wasn't worried about the sexual side-effects...if anything, I cvm too quick so it'd be helpful for me. But when I read all the literature they give you with the perscription...WARNING! NEVER STOP TAKING THIS! EVER!! YOU WILL FEEL EVEN MORE DEPRESSED AND HAVE SENSATIONS OF YOUR BRAIN BEING SHOCKED!! IF YOU MISS A DOSE CALL YOUR DOC IMMEDIATELY!!!!...it turned me off from trying it.

How'd you fare coming off of it?

I agree that getting out is important. But when I DO get out I just feel like being home. How do you go about cheering yourself on enough just to be able to muster enough energy to make the effort?

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Sh!t, I feel like that EVERY time I go out, at least for the first hour or two.

Find an excuse to talk to people. Be social. Even if it's DUDES...it's not like you're trying to pick them up. Talk about the bar, the b!tches, football, whatever. Talk to ugly girls...make 'em nervous. Chat up the old people...they usually at least have a story to tell. If you see a girl you want to drop game on, then do it, but don't sweat the outcome.

Find out what the people are into and see if you can connect with them. There are things that everyone likes to talk about. Even women have one or two hobbies...even a layman's knowledge of those kinds of things can get you into a conversation.

It's a shame you go out to bars and see so many individuals or groups of 2-3 people who come out with hundreds of other people just to be ALONE all night. A bunch of people being alone together.

If you're THAT turned off by the bar/club scene, rally your boys up and do something interesting. Go shoot pool. Go bowling. Hit one of those Dave-n-Buster style bar/arcades. Go camping. Get a motorcycle/dirt bike/jetski. Find friends who WANT to do interesting stuff. The nightlife shouldn't be your LIFE, unless you're THAT passionate about chasing tail or dancing. It should be an ESCAPE from your life, a chance to unwind.

Colossus said:

The daylight hours wane, it gets colder, and it seems that everyone is hunkering down with a significant other for the winter.

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That reminds me of the "lightbox" therapy to aid in depression caused by the whole "seasonal mood" thing. Myself, I go tanning instead, and I've been pretty funky lately... time to sport some rays! It seems to work.

So, perhaps a little thing like tanning could put a few puffs of wind in the sails and get the ball rolling in the right direction.

you know what, some habits are so hard to break no matter how hard we try, we have sudden strong urges to go back to doing whatever it is that we have tried to change and put behind us.
whether it is eating more healthy, there are times that you will crave the junk... or if it is to budget your spending more wisely, you will still see something on sale that you just want to blow some cash on ... or dating people that won't drag you down, sometimes you will just have the urge to sleep with a stripper...
and its completely normal, completely human to have those urges.

so what it all boils down to is how you deal with it.

can you budget your income to be able to splurge once in a while, can you plan your meals so that you can splurge on some junk once in a while, etc...

if the colder seasons get you down, open the window shades so you can see the sun, use more lighting and mirrors to make your home look bigger.
sometimes you can fool yourself with little things like that.