The last three months have been pure hell for me. I have no one but myself to blame for what happened (well I could blame my soon to be Ex-wife, but its much more constructive to look at what I did wrong and make sure I don't make the same mistakes again).
It all started back in January. It was the weekend and I went clubbing. I finally had a signifigant amount of free time, and I was determined to spin plates/setup a nice stable of **** buddies. That did not happen. I saw a girl in a night club. I disturbing feeling in my gut when I laid eyes on her, I ignored it. I met a girl in a nightclub, we hit it off. We danced. We talked. We laughed We had pizza. Friend asks her if she is going to **** me or not? She and her friends dropped me off at my place (I was walking distance from the philly nightlife). I tried to take her up to my place after making out, she plated hard to get and went home.
We had more dates. We went iceskating. We watched starwars and family guy. We banged on the 4th date- and she slept at my place. Pretty soon she was sleeping over every night. More and more of my time was being monopolized by this woman. I didn't mind- she seemed wonderful. The dream girl that guys always want. Pretty, smart, funny, fun, and best of all- she was in love with me! What more could a guy ask for?
A month went by. Two months. Uh oh, she's pregnant! Well, no biggie. She is wonderful. All a guy could hope for! What's the problem. It's only b-itches and h-oes that are problems! My girl is not one of those, she's great, a nice catholic girl with morals- she even sang the lead in her church choir in college! It's not being guilted into "doing the right thing" by marrying her- its simply moving the schedule forward! I went out with a friend- we got drunk. I looked around at all the women in the club- they were all "stupid, shallow, and low quality" not like my girl! My girl was wonderful! She didn't have any red flags! (That I chose to acknowledge.....) Why was I wasting time in this club when I could be with my girl- the girl who was carrying my child? That wonderful woman! I drove to her place. I "made love to her" I proposed to her in the middle of it- telling her how much I loved her. Next day we went to IHOP. I told her I meant it. We were engaged.
Girl tells me that she wants me to move in with her. I say ok. Afterall, we're enganged and she's pregnant. Just moving the timetable forward, that's all. Did I mention how wonderful she was? Well she was- and then I moved in. I go to work- and she snoops through my computer. She finds porn (which she said was fine, and which she admitted to using and loving back when we were dating!), alpha male stuff, saved posts on pick-up/Mens Rights/Tucker Max/menarebetterthanwomen. She calls me a pervert and mysogynist. Tells me that I hate women, and that I don't find her attractive anymore now that she's pregnant. I told her that was old stuff from back when I was single- that some of it was for meeting women and the rest was simply for humor- I thought it was funny and that I didn't seriously beleive it. I wasn't really a mysogynist! She accuses me of being an unfaithful woman hating player who was only interested in sex. She says that my always checking out other women when I was with her was proof of it, I was a "looker" just like her dad- and it was only a matter of time before I cheated on her! (Did I mention her dad cheated on her mom, for a decade, and they got divorced?)
I deny the charges many times, but I said I understood her perspetive. I would change for her; I would delete all the "bad stuff" on my hard drive. I would stop looking at other women. I compromised. I wanted for us to be happy.
She started acting like a *****. She blamed it on me and my harddrive material and on her pregnancy hormones. I am understanding and accept that. Afterall, she was nice for the first 4 months we knew each other. It makes only makes sense......
She starts saying that we should get an abortion. We aren't finiacally secure. She'll have to take off work for the baby and I'm still in school. There has to be an income. I tell her that we'll be ok. We can live off my loan money for school until I graduate and get a job. It's doable (it was). We just have to give it a chance. She starts blaming me as well. Bringing up the "looking" and old hard drive material. I am rolling my eyes inside at this point, but I accept that its just her hormones.
I start listening to Tom Lycus on my IPOD alot on my drives to and from work (didn't want to provoke her by listening to it at home). I take special notice of his "woman are dream killers", "women are actors until they have you in an unescapable commitment" and "women will get dilberately pregnant to trap you" themes. I start thinking that may be me.
I call my player friend. Ask him what he thinks. He says that my woman is a hoe who is ****ed up in the head, that a quality woman wouldn't let herself get pissed on (did I mention I did that to her one drunken night when I still considered her a f-buddy only? Did I mention she loved it?) and that I was a fool if I belived her when she said she only did coke "twice" and then quit. (Did I mention that she did coke in her past, and that one time she wanted to do coke when we were drunk and on the town? That I said no, and she tried to buy some from a dealer and only stopped when I said that if she was going to do so she would do it by herself- and then proceeded to hail a cab and hop in) He said that b-itches like her are only good for some quick f-ucks, and then its time to dump her to the curb. He says that if you keep them around they'll ruin your life. He says that he knows two of his friends that got sucked in by *****es like her. One is stuck paying child support. The other is miserable with his fat, nagging, ***** of a wife. He tells me to go with her to get the abortion and then get the **** out. I agree with him.
I go with her. I get cold feet a three times, and I stop her when we're at the clinic- telling her how much I love her. I think we can be happy together. I ignored the red flags and think only of the good times we had and how happy we be together. Finally, one day she is an espically huge *****. After listening to Lycus on the IPOD all day I finally decide not to stop her- its just a clump of cells afterall! She gets the abortion. We walk out of the clinic- I break down crying. I feel like a murder, that I abandoned my child, and that I was a horrible person. I'm an emotional wreck. I tell my family that she had a miscarriage. I'm an emotional wreck for the rest of the week. Finally one day, on the phone, I break down again and tell them it was abortion- my own mother calls me a self monster (they're catholic). I'm a wreck the rest of the night. My girl comforts me. Tells me she loves me. I wake up the next day and she hands me a note she wrote. She tells me how much she loves me, how talanted she thinks I am, how good hearted and wonderful I am. I think it proves how much she loves me and how right she is for me. Shes a good catch, I think- her past is done with- we all make mistakes. I should stay with her. She loves me so much!
It all started back in January. It was the weekend and I went clubbing. I finally had a signifigant amount of free time, and I was determined to spin plates/setup a nice stable of **** buddies. That did not happen. I saw a girl in a night club. I disturbing feeling in my gut when I laid eyes on her, I ignored it. I met a girl in a nightclub, we hit it off. We danced. We talked. We laughed We had pizza. Friend asks her if she is going to **** me or not? She and her friends dropped me off at my place (I was walking distance from the philly nightlife). I tried to take her up to my place after making out, she plated hard to get and went home.
We had more dates. We went iceskating. We watched starwars and family guy. We banged on the 4th date- and she slept at my place. Pretty soon she was sleeping over every night. More and more of my time was being monopolized by this woman. I didn't mind- she seemed wonderful. The dream girl that guys always want. Pretty, smart, funny, fun, and best of all- she was in love with me! What more could a guy ask for?
A month went by. Two months. Uh oh, she's pregnant! Well, no biggie. She is wonderful. All a guy could hope for! What's the problem. It's only b-itches and h-oes that are problems! My girl is not one of those, she's great, a nice catholic girl with morals- she even sang the lead in her church choir in college! It's not being guilted into "doing the right thing" by marrying her- its simply moving the schedule forward! I went out with a friend- we got drunk. I looked around at all the women in the club- they were all "stupid, shallow, and low quality" not like my girl! My girl was wonderful! She didn't have any red flags! (That I chose to acknowledge.....) Why was I wasting time in this club when I could be with my girl- the girl who was carrying my child? That wonderful woman! I drove to her place. I "made love to her" I proposed to her in the middle of it- telling her how much I loved her. Next day we went to IHOP. I told her I meant it. We were engaged.
Girl tells me that she wants me to move in with her. I say ok. Afterall, we're enganged and she's pregnant. Just moving the timetable forward, that's all. Did I mention how wonderful she was? Well she was- and then I moved in. I go to work- and she snoops through my computer. She finds porn (which she said was fine, and which she admitted to using and loving back when we were dating!), alpha male stuff, saved posts on pick-up/Mens Rights/Tucker Max/menarebetterthanwomen. She calls me a pervert and mysogynist. Tells me that I hate women, and that I don't find her attractive anymore now that she's pregnant. I told her that was old stuff from back when I was single- that some of it was for meeting women and the rest was simply for humor- I thought it was funny and that I didn't seriously beleive it. I wasn't really a mysogynist! She accuses me of being an unfaithful woman hating player who was only interested in sex. She says that my always checking out other women when I was with her was proof of it, I was a "looker" just like her dad- and it was only a matter of time before I cheated on her! (Did I mention her dad cheated on her mom, for a decade, and they got divorced?)
I deny the charges many times, but I said I understood her perspetive. I would change for her; I would delete all the "bad stuff" on my hard drive. I would stop looking at other women. I compromised. I wanted for us to be happy.
She started acting like a *****. She blamed it on me and my harddrive material and on her pregnancy hormones. I am understanding and accept that. Afterall, she was nice for the first 4 months we knew each other. It makes only makes sense......
She starts saying that we should get an abortion. We aren't finiacally secure. She'll have to take off work for the baby and I'm still in school. There has to be an income. I tell her that we'll be ok. We can live off my loan money for school until I graduate and get a job. It's doable (it was). We just have to give it a chance. She starts blaming me as well. Bringing up the "looking" and old hard drive material. I am rolling my eyes inside at this point, but I accept that its just her hormones.
I start listening to Tom Lycus on my IPOD alot on my drives to and from work (didn't want to provoke her by listening to it at home). I take special notice of his "woman are dream killers", "women are actors until they have you in an unescapable commitment" and "women will get dilberately pregnant to trap you" themes. I start thinking that may be me.
I call my player friend. Ask him what he thinks. He says that my woman is a hoe who is ****ed up in the head, that a quality woman wouldn't let herself get pissed on (did I mention I did that to her one drunken night when I still considered her a f-buddy only? Did I mention she loved it?) and that I was a fool if I belived her when she said she only did coke "twice" and then quit. (Did I mention that she did coke in her past, and that one time she wanted to do coke when we were drunk and on the town? That I said no, and she tried to buy some from a dealer and only stopped when I said that if she was going to do so she would do it by herself- and then proceeded to hail a cab and hop in) He said that b-itches like her are only good for some quick f-ucks, and then its time to dump her to the curb. He says that if you keep them around they'll ruin your life. He says that he knows two of his friends that got sucked in by *****es like her. One is stuck paying child support. The other is miserable with his fat, nagging, ***** of a wife. He tells me to go with her to get the abortion and then get the **** out. I agree with him.
I go with her. I get cold feet a three times, and I stop her when we're at the clinic- telling her how much I love her. I think we can be happy together. I ignored the red flags and think only of the good times we had and how happy we be together. Finally, one day she is an espically huge *****. After listening to Lycus on the IPOD all day I finally decide not to stop her- its just a clump of cells afterall! She gets the abortion. We walk out of the clinic- I break down crying. I feel like a murder, that I abandoned my child, and that I was a horrible person. I'm an emotional wreck. I tell my family that she had a miscarriage. I'm an emotional wreck for the rest of the week. Finally one day, on the phone, I break down again and tell them it was abortion- my own mother calls me a self monster (they're catholic). I'm a wreck the rest of the night. My girl comforts me. Tells me she loves me. I wake up the next day and she hands me a note she wrote. She tells me how much she loves me, how talanted she thinks I am, how good hearted and wonderful I am. I think it proves how much she loves me and how right she is for me. Shes a good catch, I think- her past is done with- we all make mistakes. I should stay with her. She loves me so much!
