INTEREST LEVEL vs. RESPECT

I did some thinking, and I wanted to do a post that better defines our usage of "interest level," which tends to be a pretty amorphous term. We talk about "interest level" being the barometer of a relationship, but I believe this is a bit of a misnomer when used in this context. I'll explain why:

"Interest level" can be just as much a reflection of a woman's ego as it can be genuine attraction. In the post I made about girls going back to their ex's, their interest level did a complete 180 and rose dramatically when they perceived that their ex's no longer felt heartbroken and had moved on. Although these girls were acting completely congruent to what we define as "high interest level" (i.e. trying to reestablish contact, becoming overly accommodating, begging for forgiveness, etc.), their actions were not driven by a sudden "realization" that their ex was actually a magnificent person, or, even better, that he had "transformed." Their interest level was simply dictated by their wounded ego.

In a relationship, the REAL barometer is a woman's level of RESPECT for a man. If interest level was the only factor that caused a woman to remain in a relationship, nearly every relationship would die after 6 months. It is unrealistic to believe that a woman is going to remain "highly interested" in a guy she's been with for 3 years as she would a guy that she just began dating, no matter how "mysterious" he is.

On the contrary--trying to use PUA tactics and push/pull in a relationship can actually ruin things. Some guys believe they need to keep a girl in a state of "suspended terror"--by acting uncaring, constantly threatening to walk away at a moment's notice, and flirting with other girls--in order to keep her interested in him. This is wrong, and will actually breed suspicion and eventually contempt in the girl.

What these guys DO need to do is to EARN HER RESPECT AND KEEP IT. If a woman respects you, you don't need any of those games to keep her around. You don't have to keep a "tally" of how many times each of you say the "L" word, you don't have to worry about appearing unavailable--because it doesn't matter. The bottom line is that she feels a compelling respect for you--THAT is what keeps a woman "interested" in you.

We earn their respect by setting and enforcing our boundaries, remaining calm and nonreactive to their "s#it tests" (or, if they becoming excessive, dropping her!!) taking the lead, and giving them a sense of security instead of "suspended terror." Think of how an effective father or authority figure behaves. Women are naturally drawn to authority, but it must come from a place of love, not fear. The woman should not feel terrified that you will leave her for a better option, but she must know that if she does not treat you with respect, you can and WILL walk away. This should not be verbally communicated to her, of course--it is all communicated through your ACTIONS.

In the example of a girl going back to her ex, her "interest level" may continue to be high for a little while, but her RESPECT for her ex will take a hit, should he decide to take her back. Ultimately, if not addressed, this lack of respect will cause the situation to deteriorate once again as soon as her ego is satisfied and her interest level drops yet again.

PUA's face a similar problem when they use PUA tactics to generate massive interest from a girl. If they fail to stay congruent to the girl's initial perceptions, her IL will plummet and she will feel duped. I like to call the generic routines used by budding PUA's "The Emperor's New Clothes." They will often generate attraction simply because they are masking the personality deficiencies in many guys. I agree that a certain amount of "fake it till you make it" is needed to become a DJ, but developing one's inner game is paramount.

To recap, "High Interest Level" will get the girl, but RESPECT will keep her. Generating a consistently high level of respect will allow a guy with low "sexual marketability" to keep a HB. Respect will allow a guy facing financial difficulties to keep a HB. Respect will let a guy who becomes disabled or very ill to keep a HB. Learn how to harness it and you will never have to worry about keeping a girl interested.

I think Tyler mentioned about in relationships w women that they will still test you.

How to manage that? I think he said show dominance and if its something irrevelant ( Im not surprised ) Ignore.

RESPECT , you said it , If she tries to go bordeline with her games or attitudes which put you in the slightest Disrespect.
cut the ****.

They will lose interest and respect that they will lose attraction.

I rather be a mean MO'FO than a NICE GUY who will be her friend or her tampon.

Cause she will not see you as an attractive man but as a beta non sex worthy guy.
IF she does Disrespects she is not worth keeping nor going back to her.

Once they lose RESPECT , ITS GONE.

I guess " Jerks " that women love , **** them up emotionally.

I love women but Ive been hurt too many times to get emotional over some dumb *****.

RESPECT concept of keeping them sounds cool. Not all biaches will comply though.

I will keep this in mind for the next relationship Im in.

If she disrespects, drop it ... drop it like its hot.

I like this. It puts in perspective their point of view, not only ours.

As you said, being mysterious creates initial interest in a woman that doesn't know you. However, and I've learned this through experience, being mysterious with a girl you're already dating is counterproductive: it creates suspicion and distrust.

However, respect is always good. Respect is the winning formula. If she respects you, she looks up to you, views you in a very positive light. She ideolizes you and feels safe. Think of a great leader: he commands respect, and both men and women flock to him.

Very good tip Jeff! I enjoy reading your posts!

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I always looked at interest level being a barometer of attraction, not necessarily a relationship. And the only time I considered IL important was when macking or in the dating phase. In a relationship, the attraction evolves into something deeper - it doesn't make any sense to talk about interest level anymore.

And by "respect" I think what you really mean is that the key for a lasting LTR is both people don't take each other for granted, which is what I believe. It's because of this that I think a lot of guys try to FORCE subcommunicating they can walk away by doing push-pull and all the other active disinterest PUA stuff. But except for cases where the girl's got low self-esteem I've never seen this work and I think it's because all those tricks ruin connection and keep the LTR from growing.

I think the key is both people have to make a conscious choice not to take each other for granted. The benefit of an LTR is having a shared reality that complements both of your lives. I think a worthwhile LTR is rare because most girls AND guys are either fvcked up, have no standards or are in playa mode. But if you're in one that's worthwhile, the ability of both of you to recognize the intrinsic value and make a conscious decision to not take it for granted is what keeps it from falling apart

I disagree.

I have no problems getting respect. Everyone respects me, because, well, I'm genuinely respectable. I'm intelligent, ambitious, successful. I get things done, I pride myself in excellence, and strive to go above and beyond in all I do. Plus I'm ever respectful of others too.

What I can never get is romantic/sexual interest from girls. I simply don't fire up their emotions or passions.

To the contrary, the guys who do seem to be able to get romantic/sexual interest from girls are precisely the guys who have a lot more difficulty getting respect - from people in general.

orly said:

I disagree.

I have no problems getting respect. Everyone respects me, because, well, I'm genuinely respectable. I'm intelligent, ambitious, successful. I get things done, I pride myself in excellence, and strive to go above and beyond in all I do. Plus I'm ever respectful of others too.

What I can never get is romantic/sexual interest from girls. I simply don't fire up their emotions or passions.

To the contrary, the guys who do seem to be able to get romantic/sexual interest from girls are precisely the guys who have a lot more difficulty getting respect - from people in general.

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There are different types of respect. In society for example firemen would be respected but an AFC fireman might be respected in society but he won't be by women i.e they know he is an AFC who has no boundaries etc..

You are probaly an AFC now so make women respect you by becoming a DJ!

Orly: Respect only enters the equation once you GET the girl. If you're having trouble pushing their buttons, then your problem lies with interest level, not respect. Learning to generate interest is a separate discipline--this is where PUA tactics and philosophy come in handy. If girls already see you as an authority figure, you just need to figure out a way to create some sexual tension. In other words, you have a great product...you just need to make the sale.

A word about "Jerks" and "Nice Guys": A TRUE jerk will not be able to generate respect from a girl unless she has low self esteem. A woman will soon learn that, whether he is abusive or a pathological cheater, his motivations come from a fear of being alone and insecurity.

However, I think the word "Jerks" is used too liberally. A woman will often refer to a man that exercises his options without making any commitment as a "Jerk"--but, in reality, he's just doing the correct and necessary filtering process. We shouldn't get too caught up in semantics, but it's important to realize that when we say that women love jerks, we actually mean "confident men that look out for themselves."

As for "Nice Guys," they have the SAME motivation as "Jerks"---fear of being alone and insecurity--only their actions are far less direct and aggressive. They will do things like bribe a girl to spend time with them by buying gifts, try in a passive aggressive manner to make women feel guilty for rejecting them, and think only of themselves and their sad, AFC existence. If these "Nice Guys" were suddenly presented with a ton of options, you can rest assured that they wouldn't be so "nice" anymore to their respective ONEitis.

The only answer is to learn to be completely secure and accepting of yourself, and able to appreciate women in a healthy, non-needy way--once you achieve this, you will be free of the things that previously held you back.

Jeffst1980 said:

Orly: Respect only enters the equation once you GET the girl. If you're having trouble pushing their buttons, then your problem lies with interest level, not respect. Learning to generate interest is a separate discipline--this is where PUA tactics and philosophy come in handy. If girls already see you as an authority figure, you just need to figure out a way to create some sexual tension. In other words, you have a great product...you just need to make the sale.

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"Sale".

Totally disregarding the girl issue for the moment, this is one area of life that I absolutely suck at. Especially when the product for sale is myself.

That's not to say I'm not confident. Once, I thought that, but after some introspection, I realized I am, indeed, quite confident.

The problem then, is marketing, as opposed to the quality of the actual product.

I liken myself to a niche-market car that is awesome, but most people just aren't interested in at first glance. I think if someone "test drove" me, they'd love me. The problem is, girls don't want to even go that far.

Again, this problem isn't specific to my total lack of success with women either. It also materializes in other areas of life where I have to "sell myself" - i.e. looking for a job. I have a great job right now, but it was absolute hell to get it. My boss loves me and I kick the asses of all my coworkers as far as performance is concerned, but when I was unemployed, most companies simply weren't willing to give me a chance to prove myself.

Jeffst1980 said:

Orly: Respect only enters the equation once you GET the girl. If you're having trouble pushing their buttons, then your problem lies with interest level, not respect. Learning to generate interest is a separate discipline--this is where PUA tactics and philosophy come in handy. If girls already see you as an authority figure, you just need to figure out a way to create some sexual tension. In other words, you have a great product...you just need to make the sale.

A word about "Jerks" and "Nice Guys": A TRUE jerk will not be able to generate respect from a girl unless she has low self esteem. A woman will soon learn that, whether he is abusive or a pathological cheater, his motivations come from a fear of being alone and insecurity.

However, I think the word "Jerks" is used too liberally. A woman will often refer to a man that exercises his options without making any commitment as a "Jerk"--but, in reality, he's just doing the correct and necessary filtering process. We shouldn't get too caught up in semantics, but it's important to realize that when we say that women love jerks, we actually mean "confident men that look out for themselves."

As for "Nice Guys," they have the SAME motivation as "Jerks"---fear of being alone and insecurity--only their actions are far less direct and aggressive. They will do things like bribe a girl to spend time with them by buying gifts, try in a passive aggressive mannerto make women feel guilty for rejecting them, and think only of themselves and their sad, AFC existence. If these "Nice Guys" were suddenly presented with a ton of options, you can rest assured that they wouldn't be so "nice" anymore to their respective ONEitis.

The only answer is to learn to be completely secure and accepting of yourself, and able to appreciate women in a healthy, non-needy way--once you achieve this, you will be free of the things that previously held you back.

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First off, I just wanted to say that this was an awesome post!

This might be a bit off topic but can you give us an example of what would be considered a passive aggressive move?

Because the first thing I thought of when you had mentioned it was some game playing PUA tactic sh!t like: the guy flirting with another girl in front of his oneitis right after things didnt go right just to get her jealous....

Hey Rebound,
A typical example of AFC passive aggressive behavior is when a guy tries to indirectly shame a girl following a rejection. He might say something like, "I should've known you wouldn't go for a [short, ugly, nice] guy like me" or, "I'm sorry that I'm so nice, I guess you don't want a nice guy." The subtext here is that the girl is a superficial, shallow creature because she rejected him, the goodhearted martyr.

AFC's will also work to set up situations where a rejection by the girl would appear to be extremely cold--i.e. buying a very expensive gift and twisting her arm to accept it, appearing to be very depressed following a tragedy, either minor or major, and saying that they need her, or just showering a girl with favors and compliments. They believe, incorrectly, that the more they invest in a girl, the more likely she is to stay with him. Instead, this whole time they SHOULD HAVE been making sure the girl was investing in THEM.

When you look at the subtexts behind such "nice guy" behavior, it's easy to see why women despise them.

Jeffst1980 said:

Hey Rebound,
A typical example of AFC passive aggressive behavior is when a guy tries to indirectly shame a girl following a rejection. He might say something like, "I should've known you wouldn't go for a [short, ugly, nice] guy like me" or, "I'm sorry that I'm so nice, I guess you don't want a nice guy." The subtext here is that the girl is a superficial, shallow creature because she rejected him, the goodhearted martyr.

AFC's will also work to set up situations where a rejection by the girl would appear to be extremely cold--i.e. buying a very expensive gift and twisting her arm to accept it, appearing to be very depressed following a tragedy, either minor or major, and saying that they need her, or just showering a girl with favors and compliments. They believe, incorrectly, that the more they invest in a girl, the more likely she is to stay with him. Instead, this whole time they SHOULD HAVE been making sure the girl was investing in THEM.

When you look at the subtexts behind such "nice guy" behavior, it's easy to see why women despise them.

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ahhh, thats much more clear.

I dunno if this counts, but I once bought a oneitis of mine a bday present just a few weeks after I was friendzoned. It was just a shirt that said "Got Jesus?"(she was a jesus freak) that was around 13 bucks. I dunno, where im from its a custom to get presents for ppls bdays no matter what your relation with them is...

anyways, im pretty sure it was a bad move on my part =/.

I agree with this post entirely

My problem is as follows:

I obtained a HB9 (current GF LTR) she loves me and wants to get married....

At times I feel that when I argue with her.... she doesnt like to hear my point and can hang up on me.... then call me back an hour later acting as if it never happ. (btw I told her if it happens again It is over and she is tempted at times but just sits quiet and doesnt do it)

Other times she might dominate me...... and when I yell at her she calls me mean

I need to set my boundries somehow.... but I have been with her for a year.... Im thinking how can I set them now properly?

Slick101 said:

I agree with this post entirely

My problem is as follows:

I obtained a HB9 (current GF LTR) she loves me and wants to get married....

At times I feel that when I argue with her.... she doesnt like to hear my point and can hang up on me.... then call me back an hour later acting as if it never happ. (btw I told her if it happens again It is over and she is tempted at times but just sits quiet and doesnt do it)

Other times she might dominate me...... and when I yell at her she calls me mean

I need to set my boundries somehow.... but I have been with her for a year.... Im thinking how can I set them now properly?

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Reward and punish her depending on her behaviour.

It seems like shes in control and knows how to push your buttons to make you lose your cool. From now on don't react to her but punish her bad behaviour. For instance when she rudely hangs up again don't answer the phone an hour later when she calls back tell her you're busy for a few hours and can't talk.

Do as Slaog says. It may take a while before she gets the hint, but eventually she will learn what kind of behavior is acceptable.

Setting ultimatums in a relationship are very dangerous things. An ultimatum is usually given by those that LACK power in a relationship--otherwise, there would be no need for one. The dangerous part is, were she to actually "do it again," you will be put in a lose-lose situation. Would you ACTUALLY get RID of her--if, bottom line, she DOES love and respect you--because of ONE instance of disrespect? I'm inclined to think you wouldn't, and this will make your ultimatum lose its efficacy and her respect for you will drop further. An ultimatum, IMO, is a card that should never be played.

Next time you want to set your boundaries, remain calm. Don't yell. Explain to her why what she did is unacceptable, and if she gets rude, tell her you'll talk to her when she's ready to be civil, then walk away. There is NOTHING to be gained by fighting with a woman. Don't worry, she'll come around.

Thanks guys.... I am going to have to explain this to her...

Usually when I try to explain what she did is wrong... she doesnt want to hear it... she either looks away and says Here you go again....

It puts her in a bad mood....

WTF?