uncovering mySELF

I am feeling really strange lately. It's like there's this DJ version of reset sort of coming out. I can feel myself changing. I went to a movie the other day, I was at the box office and saw myself reflected in the glass and I saw a tall, good looking, masculine man looking back. I didn't know who he was. He felt like someone else. It was what I envisioned in a few years, looking back at me. It wasn't me. It was an ideal of me. It was like an out of body thing.

I find myself remembering childhood moments, and all those good feelings just come flooding back, a simpler time when I was all about my dreams. Anything was possible. Every day was an exciting potential adventure. So many of those memories just keep coming at me. They feel good. I don't know why it's happening. It's how I was before I started doubting myself.


I flirt with women, and bust their balls, and I fvcking LOVE IT. I love watching girls get that starry expression in their eyes. I love that energy I feel standing next to a cute girl, and I love that I've learned to tap into the energy, and actually perceive the situation. This has been a slow process, not dating yet, but I am starting to get this part too. Chicks like me and I like chicks, and this is a part of my life I never gave myself permission to enjoy. Because I always felt I was defective.

Giving myself permission to enjoy life. That is NEW. To not worry about tomorrow. That is NEW. To say "I can pursue my dreams" that is NEW. Much of the time I'm frustrated, but now I have learned to talk myself out of it more and more.

It's like there's this doorway and it says "DJ" on it. Some days I walk right to that door all excited, I open it up, there's this bright light coming out of it and it feels good to step into it. But after awhile, I close the door. I don't know what's out there. Just because it feels good, doesn't mean I know how to handle it. And I say tomorrow I'll open the door again. Then I go the opposite direction. One part says "wow that door is tripped out. There could be monsters out there. Maybe it's all an illusion." So I keep doing the old patterns, the ones that hurt, all the while the back of my head says "dude wtf are you doing? That DJ doorway is the bomb. Go back there." Then there's this whole battle of wills. Sometimes I open the door, sometimes I don't. But all I think of is that freaking door and how I want to keep going through it.

I never ever ever gave myself permission to be happy. So when I feel happy, and confident, after awhile it feels WRONG. It confuses me. But I know I have to keep going through that door. Does ANYONE have a clue what I'm talking about? Or am I just insane?

I love this post!

I have felt the same way over the course of my DJ developement reset and I am pleased to see your continual progression.

Struggling towards self evolution can be a challenging but rewarding process.

This great Tool song 46 & 2 really sums it all up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tja6_h4lT6A

My shadow's
Shedding skin and
I've been picking
Scabs again.
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding in
My shadow.
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.
I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within
My shadow
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I've been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.
I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through.
I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through.
See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me.

Wow that's great. That's what it feels like. I think we believe that you go from AFC to super confident happy DJ but it's kind of a forward, backwards thing. It feels good and bad at the same time. Although I've been working on myself, it still feels that every day I start from scratch. Maybe that's the childhood stuff. In a weird way I'm sort of becoming a kid again.

reset said:

I never ever ever gave myself permission to be happy. So when I feel happy, and confident, after awhile it feels WRONG. It confuses me. But I know I have to keep going through that door. Does ANYONE have a clue what I'm talking about? Or am I just insane?

Click to expand...

Yes, I know exactly what you are talking about. I got to tell you man, this post of yours is a bit of a self-reflection on my part since I recognize some of the same characteristics in you that I share.

I felt wrong too (and still do sometimes) when I was completely at peace. I figured out that I was having a crisis because I was abandoning my old self, the self-deprecating, pitiful, and remorseful self. I wasn't ready for a change. More importantly, I wasn't ready for an attitude change.

Change demands a new perception. It means facing yourself in the mirror and telling yourself that you have been wrong about your self up until now. I've always said that facing your self truthfully is one of the toughest things to do. Self-reflection demands that you let go of your ego. That's like breaking a bad habit or an addiction.

The Bat said:

I felt wrong too (and still do sometimes) when I was completely at peace. I figured out that I was having a crisis because I was abandoning my old self, the self-deprecating, pitiful, and remorseful self. I wasn't ready for a change. More importantly, I wasn't ready for an attitude change.

Click to expand...

Thanks Bat. I totally relate. It is a full-fledged identity crisis we go through. In my life I think it's been the whole victim-mentality. I know by now, that it's not only a dead-end, but it's not true. All of us have power. I'd invested so much in it, but I want to just toss it aside. The attiude adjustment. It does nothing for me. It hurt me. But it's all I'm COMFORTABLE with. Not comfort as in feels good, but comfort as in I'm used to it. It's like burning down your own condemened house. The house has to go, but where are you going to live?

You're right, it's an addiction. It's a pattern. It's unconscious ego.

Black Minx said:

Its the courage to leave what youre comfortable with and strike out, taking whatever youre given that is going to make you stronger.

Click to expand...

Yeah. I don't know what's on the other side. That's held me back but I just won't know till I get there, and I can't not go there, so I'm just gonna have to deal.

It has to do with the ingrained beliefs you have, and the patterns you stuck to.

Now that your consicous mind is integrating new beliefs, it will take time for your subconscious and your body to get used to this reality.

if you get a much better and clearer assessment of your sense of self worth and value, you will have a better time adapting to the changes and growth.

Interceptor said:

a much better and clearer assessment of your sense of self worth and value

Click to expand...

That's tough but it's what I have to do. I guess this is a result, of challenging the old beliefs. I just challenged them over and over and finally some of those walls are coming down, but I have to actually force myself through the process a little more, be more self-disciplined. Self-discipline is a pretty big one for me right now. I think my ego knows it will break down the remaining walls.

If I'm typing this stuff it's coming from somewhere. Higher self maybe. I feel like my higher self and my ego are becoming much more distinct in my own perception.

Brain. Glad you chimed in Interceptor this started as a PM to you lol.

weird you wrote this post on self-discipline as I was thinking of it!

Your ego will try to hold on to the past, because thats where it feels most safe, most at home.
But your conscious mind, driven by your newfound insight and perspective is conflicting with your previous self image.


You need to totally let go of your ego.

You cant keep feeding it.


When you can see and feel your true self worth and value, then you will feel more 'comfortable in your own skin'.
Which is alluding to your neurology and past negative emotions and beliefs.

Your subconscious mind doesnt know the difference. It has no reasoning.
And your body simply follows the subconsious, unless you direct it Presently.


You have to go in deep and attack those 'weeds'.

And feel comfortable with who you are NOW.

This is NOW
Not then...

Interceptor said:

You need to totally let go of your ego.

You cant keep feeding it.

Click to expand...

Just took awhile for me to understand ego. I was confusing it with self-esteem. Or losing my personality. But the real personality, is behind the ego. The guy that has the fun when it happens, is not ego. It's present-moment awareness.

Damn all these chains, I'm locked down, I see them, and I see that they aren't real. None of it's real. I'm splitting in half, christ.

But that's NOW.

You may want to try an EFT session.

Do you know how?

Great thread reset & crew!

I am working on letting my ego go. I have had major changes happen in my life as I grew older and wiser, I am barely beginning to see "what is real & what really matters" in life.

-eyedogg

Interceptor said:

You may want to try an EFT session.

Do you know how?

Click to expand...

Yeah I know how. I mean I know the basics. I know where to look further.

It's a couple minutes in the day I avoid, easy as hell to do. I need some rituals like that. Some consistency. The only thing is I can imagine a million things to do EFT on. But I suppose this confusion would be a good one. I'll do a few tonight. And right when I wake up tomorrow. Out of bed, EFT.

Sometimes when we need it the most, we decide not to self care.

When the challenges get too tough, is when you go into overdrive in protecting and healing yourself.

Remember the phrase "When the going gets tough, the tough get going"?

That coudl mean two things.

The so called 'tough' guy is a pvssy and bails.
Or...
the real tough guy marches forward into combat, face to face with the 'enemy'.

This is when you really crack down and stay focused, presnt, and disciplined in your self care.

See, a lot of guys do not pay attention to this part of their lives.

Self Management
Self Care
Self Nurturing
Self Healing


These are critically imprtant in a mature man's life.

IF he does not care for himself, no one else is really responsible.
So whos got to do the work?

you.

This is why guys CRASH and BURN at the end of a relationship.

They invested SO MUCH in the relationship and the woman that they got LOST and lost themselves in the process, and their own responsibility to taking care of themselves.


Men need to stay strong and independent before , during , and after a relationship.
And all of that takes discipline.

And a recognition of the VALUE of self management.

It is your PRIORITY

Health
Wealth
Well Being

Yeah I've let all that stuff slide. All of it. Even the basics. It's like my ego is saying "oh HELL NO!" like my ego would rather destroy me, than be destroyed. I went through a period of exercise, healthy food, writing goals, etc. then I shut down for awhile. It was taking too much out of me, doing positive stuff every day was exhausting. Right at the apex I injured myself, probably subconsciously, and I literally couldn't do anything physically for awhile other than go to work. I feel like I'm at war with myself right now. But I actually feel good every other moment. It's weird. I have great days then the next day is like right at the bottom. Right now, I'm feeling both. Like I'm about to burst. Equal measures of hope and just "what the hell are you doing reset? You're deviating from the self-destructive plan!"

Like this thread. I'm all over the place. But at least I have a vision, that I'm going towards. Can't avoid it. Will do EFT now.

Yeah, man. I can definitely tell.

What I do now is that if Im experiencing something, Ill do the EFT right then and there. Dont wait.
Do it there when its fresh in your mind and body.

Remember, this is almost ALL about your identity.
Your VALUES.

Your body is either telling you: "This is NOT You! This is Wrong!"
or your body is asking you: "IS this you??!"

YOU have to have the presence and the Value established, and set down the Law.


"THIS IS ME. NOW."

Self Mastery, Reset.


Who is the Master here, buddy?
You or your Ego?

Who's making the rules here???!

Self Discipline is the road to high character and self mastery.
No two ways about it.

Embrace Freedom and Liberty.

You can only do that by releasing the Ego and the old patterns, man.

I know what Im telling you here.

Neurology must be dealt with
Limiting negative beliefs and emotions must be handled.

That is why it is important to stay on top of that from day to day.
You cant afford to slack off.
It is your priority.
Your JOB
everything else is actually secondary to the maintenance of your well being, peace of mind, health, and wealth....

You're right. I think I was hoping there was a way around self-discipline(there isn't) and it's not hard. It's becoming more of a challenge for me to not take care of myself which is where this disconnect comes from, and I feel all over the place (they just said that phrase about four times right when I thought it on the at the movies show, lol).

I can't not do it. I want to be free, liberated. That stuff means something to me.

I went through a period of exercise, healthy food, writing goals, etc. then I shut down for awhile. It was taking too much out of me, doing positive stuff every day was exhausting.

Click to expand...

That 'period' you went through IS actually your "Real" Life. THAT is how Life is Lived.

Now why was it taking so much out of you?

You ready?

Its gonna hurt, buddy..


Because youre used to sleepwalking through life.
And youre not used to the mental energy required to stay Present in doing and maintaining all those activities.
ALL of which are necessary for a healthy and balanced life.
Like I said, that period WAS and IS real life.
Not sleepwalking . Which takes much less energy , but takes away your life.
And youre so out of touch you dont realize the life passing you by.All the opportunities wasted and gone forever.
Because you were living the easy zombie/sleepwalk life, man


But the good news is that you naturally have the potential for massive amounts of mental and physicla energy, AND...
if you start a program of daily meditaiton, you will be present and conscious but much more relaxed and using only the energy necessary. No more, but no less

Heres the other thing. The maintenance of EGO takes huge amounts of physical and mental energy too.
To drop th ego means you have an excess of freed up energy to use for everything else.

You CAN be fully present and use less energy and activate the energy when needed, but it takes some time and practice.

You have to be dilligent.
The strongest motivation I can offer now is look at how youre suffering needlessly right now.
Isnt that enough motivation to lock and load and say "fvck this ****!!" and get back on track?

Didn't hurt too bad, I can take it. It's true after all, lol. That's when I sent you that PM asking you how the hell you manage to stay so busy and still enjoy life, because it felt good but I was just out of my element. Maybe it was like a test drive.

The part I was missing was what you mentioned, that I can still be very active but have a more easy-going energy, because I wouldn't be analyzing and second-guessing all the time. I guess that's ego-overdrive. It takes more energy to think about something, than to just do it.

I had a good run before I sabatoged it, this time I'll get back into it without monitoring how I'm doing every second, which is what I was doing.

I guess it's boy or man time.

Cool thread. Now I have to crank up some "Lose Yourself" (Eminem)