LovelyLady
Senior Don Juan
- Joined
- Jun 7, 2007
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I have been asked to start a conversation on trust and intimacy, as this will be the topic this Sunday in Chatzy.
The beliefs I am sharing are my own and have been formulated by my personal experiences. A book that resonates with my belief and value system regarding true intimacy is The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and Being Loved by Matthew Kelly I cannot recommend it highly enough.
Various depths of intimacy are experienced within the context of our different relationships: parent/child, employee/employer, neighborly, dear friends, buddys. And then there is that treasured intimacy that is possible to create within the dynamic of romantic partnership.
When we first hear the word "intimacy" the mind often goes immediately to "sex". Yet while sex is an interpersonal activity - it holds no guarantee of genuine intimacy. People can live without sex, but we cannot truly thrive without intimacy. It is something we all crave. Truly intimate relationships are essential to living a full and satisfying life.
To truly reveal who we are to another person - to receive another person's self-revelation fully - that is intimacy. An ongoing journey taken together: one of mutual self-revelation while establishing trust and safety as the process changes over time.
It involves the sharing and vulnerability of the heart, soul, body, and mind. The sharing of our imperfections - and our most perfect selves with another human being.
Sharing our pasts; sharing our individual stories is a holy process - and choosing wisely who is to receive our story is key. To feel safe and know that the "who" we are in our journey is met with compassion and acceptance is imperative to genuine sharing.
Yet even with this innate need for intimacy, we are so often afraid to share who we are - to be truly known: we fear rejection. So we don masks, put up walls, create idealized false personas to present to the world. And in the process we never know true intimacy - because we are not giving our true selves to the people in our lives.
We want to connect - yet we are offering a false self - so no genuine connection is possible. But also, no genuine rejection is risked either - so a false safety is established by the creation of the "masked" self.
So often we justify the presentation of the false self because "other people/men/women can't be trusted" and we point to past experiences that "prove" this.
However, I have found that for my self - the real struggle was won when I realized that it was my own judgement about other people that I had difficulty trusting.
I then had to intimately examine my own story and reflect deeply on when I had betrayed my own self - when I had not remained honest with myself about the inability of intimacy and incompatability of soul-values of those who had "hurt me" and "betrayed my trust". I had to own that the responsibility was within myself, ultimately. And that it was actually my own self - my own judgement of choosing wisely - that I had trouble trusting.
I also find that the fear of the pain of future loss of an intimate partner can keep me from opening up.
And yet, as with so many here, I have experienced devastating loss of a loved one. And I have survived it. I have been made stronger because of it. I learned the truth of who I am; what I am made of - and it adds to my story - it strengthens what I have to offer my partner today.
I preface the following talk of marriage with the explanation that I am speaking of the marriage of the spirit - not simply the legalistic confines of societal marriage that is sold to the masses:
I have thought often of marriage vows "til death do us part" and have recognized it to be processed in several ways: "until the death of the relationship" "until the physical death of the other person".
But it is just recently that I have come to a profound understanding of what that vow means to me in terms of vulnerabilty, trust, and building true intimacy with a man: It is that I am willing to commit to love you so deeply and intimately that I am willing to risk the vulnerabilty of loving you and knowing the truth of who you are, and being loved and known by you with that same depth - for the rest of my days on this earth. And I am committing to that with the full understanding that I risk the depth of pain that will come with the loss of you in my life when death parts us.
To experience intimacy - whether on the level of friendship - or to the most intimate level experienced in genuine romantic partnership - requires the courage to face the pain of loss.
So... Self-knowledge and self-acceptance (which brings about healthy self-esteem) is imperitive to intimacy - you cannot offer your true self to another if you hide behind a false mask.
Trust of your own ability to choose wisely who you share your most intimate self with is also imperitive.
Courage to risk the loss of the sharing - whether in the natural ending of a relationship that has "run it's course" - or in the profound pain of loss that death or divorce represents - and holding to the self-knowledge that that pain can be survived. And that the self remains in tact - and made better for having had such depth of intimacy with that chosen partner.
Furthermore, I would add that this process of self-revelation can occur within therapeutic settings - or even just when one encounters a loving and open listener that enters our lives at key moments. The gift of being truly seen, truly heard is important.
But the essence of romantic partnerships requires an additional element: the recognition that your chosen partner's individual self resonates with your own inner self to where there is a soul recognition. Followed by a commitment to supporting the other in his/her individual journey to continue to become his/her best, fulfilled individual self.
Because genuine intimacy is so rare an experience for many of us, we must be mindful. To reflect and ask: is it this person's true self that you truly love and are intimate with or are you just moved by the experience of intimacy itself? (kind of a version of "Are you in love with the man/woman - or are you simply in love with how she/he makes you feel?") Integrity in intimacy is key and this question is an important touchstone.
Well, those are some of my thoughts on trust and intimacy; I am looking forward to hearing everyone elses - and looking forward to this Sunday's chat
-LL
The beliefs I am sharing are my own and have been formulated by my personal experiences. A book that resonates with my belief and value system regarding true intimacy is The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and Being Loved by Matthew Kelly I cannot recommend it highly enough.
Various depths of intimacy are experienced within the context of our different relationships: parent/child, employee/employer, neighborly, dear friends, buddys. And then there is that treasured intimacy that is possible to create within the dynamic of romantic partnership.
When we first hear the word "intimacy" the mind often goes immediately to "sex". Yet while sex is an interpersonal activity - it holds no guarantee of genuine intimacy. People can live without sex, but we cannot truly thrive without intimacy. It is something we all crave. Truly intimate relationships are essential to living a full and satisfying life.
To truly reveal who we are to another person - to receive another person's self-revelation fully - that is intimacy. An ongoing journey taken together: one of mutual self-revelation while establishing trust and safety as the process changes over time.
It involves the sharing and vulnerability of the heart, soul, body, and mind. The sharing of our imperfections - and our most perfect selves with another human being.
Sharing our pasts; sharing our individual stories is a holy process - and choosing wisely who is to receive our story is key. To feel safe and know that the "who" we are in our journey is met with compassion and acceptance is imperative to genuine sharing.
Yet even with this innate need for intimacy, we are so often afraid to share who we are - to be truly known: we fear rejection. So we don masks, put up walls, create idealized false personas to present to the world. And in the process we never know true intimacy - because we are not giving our true selves to the people in our lives.
We want to connect - yet we are offering a false self - so no genuine connection is possible. But also, no genuine rejection is risked either - so a false safety is established by the creation of the "masked" self.
So often we justify the presentation of the false self because "other people/men/women can't be trusted" and we point to past experiences that "prove" this.
However, I have found that for my self - the real struggle was won when I realized that it was my own judgement about other people that I had difficulty trusting.
I then had to intimately examine my own story and reflect deeply on when I had betrayed my own self - when I had not remained honest with myself about the inability of intimacy and incompatability of soul-values of those who had "hurt me" and "betrayed my trust". I had to own that the responsibility was within myself, ultimately. And that it was actually my own self - my own judgement of choosing wisely - that I had trouble trusting.
I also find that the fear of the pain of future loss of an intimate partner can keep me from opening up.
And yet, as with so many here, I have experienced devastating loss of a loved one. And I have survived it. I have been made stronger because of it. I learned the truth of who I am; what I am made of - and it adds to my story - it strengthens what I have to offer my partner today.
I preface the following talk of marriage with the explanation that I am speaking of the marriage of the spirit - not simply the legalistic confines of societal marriage that is sold to the masses:
I have thought often of marriage vows "til death do us part" and have recognized it to be processed in several ways: "until the death of the relationship" "until the physical death of the other person".
But it is just recently that I have come to a profound understanding of what that vow means to me in terms of vulnerabilty, trust, and building true intimacy with a man: It is that I am willing to commit to love you so deeply and intimately that I am willing to risk the vulnerabilty of loving you and knowing the truth of who you are, and being loved and known by you with that same depth - for the rest of my days on this earth. And I am committing to that with the full understanding that I risk the depth of pain that will come with the loss of you in my life when death parts us.
To experience intimacy - whether on the level of friendship - or to the most intimate level experienced in genuine romantic partnership - requires the courage to face the pain of loss.
So... Self-knowledge and self-acceptance (which brings about healthy self-esteem) is imperitive to intimacy - you cannot offer your true self to another if you hide behind a false mask.
Trust of your own ability to choose wisely who you share your most intimate self with is also imperitive.
Courage to risk the loss of the sharing - whether in the natural ending of a relationship that has "run it's course" - or in the profound pain of loss that death or divorce represents - and holding to the self-knowledge that that pain can be survived. And that the self remains in tact - and made better for having had such depth of intimacy with that chosen partner.
Furthermore, I would add that this process of self-revelation can occur within therapeutic settings - or even just when one encounters a loving and open listener that enters our lives at key moments. The gift of being truly seen, truly heard is important.
But the essence of romantic partnerships requires an additional element: the recognition that your chosen partner's individual self resonates with your own inner self to where there is a soul recognition. Followed by a commitment to supporting the other in his/her individual journey to continue to become his/her best, fulfilled individual self.
Because genuine intimacy is so rare an experience for many of us, we must be mindful. To reflect and ask: is it this person's true self that you truly love and are intimate with or are you just moved by the experience of intimacy itself? (kind of a version of "Are you in love with the man/woman - or are you simply in love with how she/he makes you feel?") Integrity in intimacy is key and this question is an important touchstone.
Well, those are some of my thoughts on trust and intimacy; I am looking forward to hearing everyone elses - and looking forward to this Sunday's chat
-LL
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