How do women process regret?

I've seen it mentioned here in passing but I would like to know how women handle regret.

How do they handle decisions that may affect their destiny?

Moments like:

Seeing someone on a train, bus, coffee shop, grocery store but not saying hello when the moment comes.

Meeting someone great at a party but not exchanging numbers.

Not calling back a guy


I have seen low IL changed to High IL but do women generally waver in their interest level all of the time?

I find that a lot of women don't regret the small stuff like men do, they typically plan to meet the guy on the train or just forget him altogether. Now as for the big things like not finishing their degree or starting a business they seem to justify that whatever thing that occupied them was worth the sacrifice and that they shouldn't feel regretful because they gave themselves to the greater good.

Women are more focused on real-time drama and men are more focused on analyzing past events or worrying about things which are yet to happen. It's a wonder how anyone gets to some type of common ground when coupled up.

Francisco d'Anconia said:

Now as for the big things like not finishing their degree or starting a business they seem to justify that whatever thing that occupied them was worth the sacrifice and that they shouldn't feel regretful because they gave themselves to the greater good.

Click to expand...

aka reverse rationalization

its always on

I think it depends on the degree or intensity of the encounter in relation to their own conditions. I know that sounds like psycho-babble, but let me explain. If, and to what degree, a woman experiences regret in the situations you're describing, these are directly proportional to her self-worth versus the (perceived) value of the encounter.

At the risk of coming off as shallow again, the fat chick who thinks she blew a shot at a Brad Pitt will regret it more than the HB 9 who happened to lose an "average" guy's phone number. I'm going to catch fire for this I'm sure, but it's really an autonomous response for human beings to make subconscious comparisons and employ a natural ego preservation. Regret is painful so our natural response is to defend against it. We tend to regret not capitalizing on situations where the perceived reward value is high.

So the debate is really how do women in particular process this reward valuation with regard to men? Again, I'll say it breaks down to recognizing their self-worth and comparing it with the value of the encounter. Even semi-attractive women (HB 6-8) have a subconscious understanding that most intersexual encounters they have are mediated by their frequency. Meaning if a girl is constantly reinforced with male attention (guys asking her out all the time) the rarity of any one encounter is compared against the frequency of guys hitting on her. This is female Plate Theory in action. If you happen to be one among many of the throngs of her suitors she's less likely to regret not following up with you in relation to the extraordinary guy she perceives has a higher value than she's normally used to being rewarded with.

I've seen it mentioned here in passing but I would like to know how women handle regret.

How do they handle decisions that may affect their destiny?

Paradox, I can tell you that I really don't regret the decisions I've made in terms of men. However, the ones that have left a "lasting" impression on me (the brief encounters I remember) are those with people who've "stood out" from the ordinary. In our daily lives, we meet many people. Most people are "ordinary" in that they do not leave a lasting impression on you. We all have our own notions of what we think "extraordinary" is. It could be a man who has dry wit, a sexy smile, one who is tall, one who exudes a sincere confidence (while the others nervously check themselves in the mirror), and so on. So when we meet someone who captures our interest, we remember. I remember.

Moments like:

Seeing someone on a train, bus, coffee shop, grocery store but not saying hello when the moment comes.

I may think, "I should've said hello" for a minute, but I certainly do not dwell on it. What's the point? This was a moment in passing, and if my interest was really piqued, then I would've said hello. I would've done something if he was that attractive, right?

Meeting someone great at a party but not exchanging numbers.

If I find someone interesting, I usually chat with them. If I don't end up exchanging contact info, it's because there was nothing there.

Not calling back a guy


If I don't call it's because he wasn't interesting. I have his number, it is within my control; he was obviously forgettable. So no loss, right?

I have seen low IL changed to High IL but do women generally waver in their interest level all of the time?

Exactly. The bottom line is that there has to be SOME interest there. Women are approached quite often by men (via mere glancing, flirting, etc). The guys that do stick out and are "remembered" are the ones that were different from the ordinary guy (with his ordinary lines and his ordinary glances). For her to regret it, the interest has to be very high; whatever he did, he got under your skin...very few people can do this to you in one single meeting.

For me, I remember the ones that stood out (he had traits/attributes that I find appealing) and he stirred within me a kind of jolt, an excitement that can't be described.

I hope that made sense.

i can not speak for everyone, as i feel everyone processes information and events differently, however i can speak for myself.
i stress the little things in life, but handle the big things rather well.
it is very hard for me to accept the things that i can't change for what they are and only worry about the things i can change, and i often have to remind myself.
so on that note, i will try to tell you about my process of regret.

about a year after my fist marriage ended so abruptly and i had started going out with friends, i went to a concert with my best girlfriend to see sevendust! while we were there, 2 guys in a new band called nickelback asked us if we would go party with them after the show. my friend told the drummer guy, that we never heard of their band, and she would let them know if we were interested after the show. they came on stage and sucked big time. needless to say, we did not seek them out at the end of the show. they are big time "rockstars" now, do i regret not going? nah, i could care less.
however, when they got off stage, another new band disturbed took the floor and when they did, i remember seeing this hot blonde guy walk up by us, pass us and get closer to the stage, and he danced his ass off. he was having a blast, and i so badly wanted to go up and hang out with him or get his phone number and i felt rather silly about it. i didnt have the courage to do it, my friend even helped me find a pen and write my number on a napkin and that way i could just walk up and hand it to him. i couldn't. i was chicken. so i stood there with regret while still in the situation. then sevendust came on and all heck broke loose, and i started crowd surfin and i got thrown to the stage, but the bouncer swatted me down and after i hit the floor, somehow i lost track of where the blonde hot guy went.
when we left, i saw him again in the parking lot and as i took my first step to try to go over to him, some dude walked up and put his arm around the hot blonde dude. i turned right around and walked to the car! i never knew if they were gay, or if they were just buddies playing around or if the newer dude was drunk... but i regretted it for awhile.
i think what i regretted most, was just not having any courage to do anything. after a while, i decided that when fate knocks at my door, i wouldn't be afraid to follow where it was leading, just because i had enough courage to do so.

i certainly feel like the person i turned out to be, and i couldn't imagine being too afraid to meet with gio, who would turn out to be the man of my dreams.
perhaps if i never regretted walking up to meet someone, i never would have agreed to gio years later in life....who knows?

but certainly my regret process was good for my soul searching at the time.

Women regret same as men.

I know a lot of women who would think the exact opposite of the OP. They think WE are the ones that stew and analyze, while men are only occupied with the "real time".

iqqi said:

Women regret same as men.

I know a lot of women who would think the exact opposite of the OP. They think WE are the ones that stew and analyze, while men are only occupied with the "real time".

Click to expand...

Yes, I think so too.

I've heard this many times...men thinking that women sit around and lament while they, the men, move on.

women are better at covering up their emotions. a woman can be totally p*ssed and walk aroudn with the biggest smile on her face.

women live in a world where they are constantly concerned over the impression they are giving the people around them.

from putting on make up, to shoes, to hair styles, etc. - women 'put on their face' when they walk out into the world.

whereas men are much more transparent. when a man gets angry, you see it. he'll either start complaining or he'll start pouting.

but deep down men and women are the same. women lay awake at night worrying whether they will have kids, whether that guy at the office notices them, etc.

they just don't let you see it when they are out in public.

moreover, when it comes to IL fluctuating, this is the attitude of being 'the prize' . because there are so many afcs in the world, many women (especially if they are attractive) will go hot and cold on a guy in a flash. because theres another afc right around the corner ready to give her attention.

when a woman truly has high IL though, when she sees the man as the prize, you don't see this behavior.

Great question!

Speaking for myself:

On your basic question of regret for not approaching men I find attractive - never. I don't do initial approaches.

Not being bold enough and honest enough to express and act on my true level of interest in a man once we were seeing eachother, out of fear he could not handle it and run - once. How I dealt with it? I realized that he was the only regret I had - that I had witheld my love out of fear. I have never regretted giving it, though. There are no question marks left when I have given my love well. Since then, I know it is a betrayal of my self and a form of dishonesty for me to not love honestly.


On a larger life scale: I almost died from a serious illness 5 years ago. When I realized I would most likely die, I had peace. I realized I had no regret - no loose ends - no apologies I needed to make - noone I love who doesn't know it. (of course I didn't want to leave my children - but I had no regrets to contend with in my life itself. But I do not perceive money, education, career as my life - I look at my realtionships - my "love" lessons - as my definitions of a life well lived. All the other stuff is just stagesetting but it is the actors/players/people that are what matter.)

I think it is because I strive to not stay bound to suffer the pain of the past lessons to repeat over and over again. Glean the lessons of loving well and move forward - that is what we are here for, I believe. The emotional experience of remorse in wishing I had known/done better is not enough - nor is a compassionate response for self enough (and I digress but want to add that there is a danger line there because I can slip into self-pity if I am not mindful of my process - so by compassion I do not mean pity). Moving forward and not repeating the same error is what releases/frees me from the bond of regret.

I have this little pic under the glass top of my desk:

http://imgs.inkfrog.com/pix/Hazel/0637T.jpg


I called a friend of mine last night about this question of yours - I have known her over 20 years.

She has been struggling with regret lately - although I did not recognize it as "regret" as I have been processing her path with her. (I did identify her inability to move forward in her life and not be bound by her past, but the verbage of "regret" spurred on by your question is very helpful. She knows about my experience of reflection regarding regret when I was ill. It is not uncommon for us to call eachother up and dive right in to the heart of a matter without exchanging niceties.

I will call her "Mary" below, and share the part of how it went with you...


LL: Hey Mary - I want to ask you something - how have you dealt with regret in your life?

Mary: (laughs) Not as well as you, Lovely, that's for sure .... (serious tone with some shame around the edges) I don't think I've dealt with my regret well at all.

LL: What do you regret?

Mary: (Contemplative) Well, I have failed to order the life that I want for myself.

LL: How do you deal with that fact?

Mary: Well, I confide in... well, dear friends like you. I verbally vent about the outcomes of situations and how powerless I feel. You know, I think a lot about those quotes you wrote down for me that one day from White Oleander - about responsibilty for my choices and how I need to remember the truth of who I am... that helps me gain perspective.

(She is referring to a recent conversation where I sited these quotes from the book: "Oleander time," she said. "Lovers who kill each other now will blame it on the wind." and "We received our coloring from Norsemen. Hairy savages who hacked their gods to pieces and hung the flesh from trees. We are the ones who sacked Rome. Fear only feeble old age and death in bed. Don't forget who you are." )

You know, how you talk about ignoring the preconceived notions about the way you THINK you are - the things you SHOULD have done and simply deal with the truth of who you are in the moment and draw strength and comfort in that. To not be a coward in my life today.

You know, also, its like in the Bhagavad Gita, where Rjuna is going to war. On the "enemy" side of the people he is supposed to kill are his revered teachers that have helped him reach this point of being a Warrior. He is conflicted.

Lord Krishna says something along the lines of "There is no way you can unentangle from the events that have led you to this place".

LL: Yeah... kind of like "when you see the Buddha on the road - kill him" (both laugh) Yeah - the Student surpasses the Master. (more laughter)

...

So, I have learned I must have a willingness to change, to be flexible - to allow my life to move beyond the lesson that the feeling of regret alarms me to notice- beyond the teacher - to "hack the gods to pieces and hang the flesh from trees". To let the old ways that have not served me well go. - And to to be willing to move beyond what used to serve my growth - but no longer does.

Kind of like Pharoah in the 10 commandments : "So let it be written - so let it be done" LOL

.. additionall thoughts: Sometimes we have a plan for our lives to go one place - and life takes us somewhere else entirely - to trust the rhythm of the journey is important. To remember it is a soul journey teaching us to love courageously. Manifested and teaching us in the physical realm of going after what you want for your life - whether a phone number or whatever.
Regret is just an emotional warning sign we are not living in harmony with our truest self/highest path. IMO

The funny thing about regret is, it's better to regret something you have done, than regret something you haven't done.

Rollo Tomassi said:

The funny thing about regret is, it's better to regret something you have done, than regret something you haven't done.

Click to expand...

Truer words were never spoken.

Would this go against STR8UP's philosophy of when in doubt, do nothing?

I've went by those words before. But yours here are wiser.

No, they don't handle that kind of regret the same way. It's our job to approach them, not the other way around.

On those occasions when women do experience regret, it seems to me that the way they commonly process it is by mass emailing everyone in their frickin' address book some affirmation type prose piece such as "People Come Into Your Life For A Reason, A Season Or A Lifetime".

iqqi said:

Truer words were never spoken.

Would this go against STR8UP's philosophy of when in doubt, do nothing?

I've went by those words before. But yours here are wiser.

Click to expand...

I'll have to side with Str8up's view on this one. I have regretted the things I've done far more than those things I haven't done.

Rollo Tomassi said:

The funny thing about regret is, it's better to regret something you have done, than regret something you haven't done.

Click to expand...

sometimes.

context is everything.

Is it better to regret getting angry and beating somebody to death than to not regret raising you hand in class and asking a clarifiation question about the almost finished lecture?

Is it better to regret saying "Hi" to a HB9 that didn't respond than to regret not driving after tossing back a few whiskeys?

Or did you mean that it is usually better to regret doing something with a favorable risk/reward ratio than not doing that same thing?

Or did you mean that in any risk/reward analysis, the risks are usually overestimated when damage to the ego is the primary risk?

Mr. Me said:

On those occasions when women do experience regret, it seems to me that the way they commonly process it is by mass emailing everyone in their frickin' address book some affirmation type prose piece such as "People Come Into Your Life For A Reason, A Season Or A Lifetime".

Click to expand...

That is funny- and true.
Those bloody girly sickly proverbs . Note how they always originate from someone who works for the city, the state, or is a teacher ..

Lawd gimme strength enough to hit DELETE

taiyuu_otoko said:

Or did you mean that in any risk/reward analysis, the risks are usually overestimated when damage to the ego is the primary risk?

Click to expand...

THis is the smartest statement in this thread - nice .

Francisco d'Anconia said:

I find that a lot of women don't regret the small stuff like men do, they typically plan to meet the guy on the train or just forget him altogether. Now as for the big things like not finishing their degree or starting a business they seem to justify that whatever thing that occupied them was worth the sacrifice and that they shouldn't feel regretful because they gave themselves to the greater good.

Women are more focused on real-time drama and men are more focused on analyzing past events or worrying about things which are yet to happen. It's a wonder how anyone gets to some type of common ground when coupled up.

Click to expand...

I think this is a great observation, Francisco. It is when men do not value the input/feedback of the woman who is more process oriented (I am going to take that is what you mean by "focused on real-time drama ") and incorporate that with their amazing skill to "analyze" the potential future further down the road. (And counterpart - when women do not value the man's ability and wisdom in looking farther down the road - and the past - big picture ability - as well)

The woman needs the man to drive (lead)- but the man needs to understand that the things she is able to notice while riding shotgun are important to the journey as well.

Rollo Tomassi said:

The funny thing about regret is, it's better to regret something you have done, than regret something you haven't done.

Click to expand...

And by the way, if you see your mom this weekend, be sure to tell her

SATAN!
SATAN!
SATAN!
SATAN!