Sometimes Things Aren't What They Seem to Be

THE ELASTIC PERSON

• the "elastic" person who attempts to mold himself to meet your requirements
• the person who has carefully rehearsed his presentation
• the liar
• the delusional thinker
• the person who is mentally or physically disabled
• the person who is ill, fatigued, stressed, or otherwise "not himself"
• the person who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol
• the person who is strongly influenced by his or her culture
• coincidences—they do happen

Engineers use the term "elasticity" for the tendency of a material to deform
under pressure and then return to its natural state when the pressure
is off, like a rubber band. People are naturally elastic, and from time
to time, most of us consciously or unconsciously alter our appearance,
behavior, or words to meet others' expectations or desires. But the person
who consistently molds herself to be what she thinks you want her
to be is, in essence, providing you with false information.

If you're not getting the facts, you can't make a reliable judgment.
Slobs can be tidy, at least for a while, if the motivation is there. Lazy
people can appear industrious—temporarily. Opinionated people can appear
open-minded, and selfish people can seem giving. But these people
will tend to "change" as time passes, relationships mature, and the desire
to please decreases. The kind, considerate, understanding new boyfriend
becomes insensitive, overbearing, and jealous. The hardworking, helpful
employee becomes lazy and uncooperative as he settles in to the job.
In truth, the boyfriend and the employee were never really what they
at first appeared to be. They always were insensitive and uncooperative.
They were demonstrating the principles of elasticity: once the pressure or
motivation that caused them to change eased, they reverted to their
true form.

Don't assume that attempts to please always spring from a conscious
desire to manipulate. They can be an unconscious and very well meaning
attempt to gain acceptance or approval. We naturally put on our best
manners when we meet a new beau's parents for the first time or go out
to dinner with the boss. But whatever someone's motives may be,
it would be a mistake to see her under those unique circumstances and
assume she always has impeccable manners. You need to see her over
a period of time and in several different situations before you can tell
which behaviors are real and which are elastic.

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Spotting Exceptions to the Rules

Once the bloom is off the rose of either a personal or professional
relationship the pressures that caused the elastic behaviors will subside,
and the person will revert to her normal state, good or bad. Until then,
it's wise to reserve judgment.

THE REHEARSED PRESENTATION

I have seen many witnesses who are articulate, forceful, and poised on
direct examination by the lawyer who called them to the stand, only to
crumble when the opposing attorney cross-examines them. Sometimes
this is because a particularly skillful attorney has dished out a brutal
cross-examination, but in many cases it's simply a matter of exposing the
actor who has rehearsed his role. In daily life, if you're not alert to the
rehearsed presentation, you run the risk of misjudging someone. You
might find him more articulate and witty—or less imaginative, creative,
or flexible—than he actually is.

Not surprisingly, you're most likely to encounter a canned presentation
when someone is trying to sell you something. It doesn't have to be
a car or a time-share. The "salesman" can be trying to persuade you to
"buy" an idea, a point of view, another person, or himself. There is probably
one "sales pitch" that he's found particularly effective, so he repeats
it in order to achieve the best possible result.

Sometimes, too, people deliver a rehearsed story because they're trying
to make a good impression and don't have the confidence to speak
spontaneously. The insecure or nervous often find it easier to practice a
speech in advance, like the high school boy who writes down a list of
things to say to the girl he's about to call for the first time. People also
tend to repeat the same stories if they've had positive experiences with
them in the past. Others have laughed, been persuaded, or been charmed
by the story. They hope you will be, too.

It isn't too difficult to spot this type of behavior. Often the presentation
seems too perfect and utterly unspontaneous. When delivering a
prepared shtick, people are in their comfort zone. If you want to
find out how they behave when they haven't had the opportunity to
prepare, take away the home-field advantage. Take them out of their
comfort zone and put them in yours. :trouble:

If someone is delivering a sales pitch, ask a pointed question that he'll
have to respond to spontaneously. If he keeps dodging you, stay after
him until he either answers or makes it clear he's unable or unwilling to,
which in itself will tell you something. If someone you've just met is trying
to wow you with her intelligence by discussing world politics, see if
she's a one-trick pony. When the conversation allows, ask what she
thinks about the latest movies. See if she knows anything about sports.
What you choose to discuss isn't important. Your goal is to see how she
reacts as you try to lead her away from her comfort zone. Does she speak
willingly about other topics? Is she at ease and articulate even if she
knows little about the subject? Does she ask intelligent questions? Or
does she consistently try to lead you back to where she feels comfortable
and in control?

Over the years I've seen some almost comical exchanges in the courtroom
when lawyers, busy delivering a carefully prepared presentation of
what they no doubt believe to be inspired arguments, are interrupted by
a judge who wants answers to other questions. Even a casual court observer
knows the courtroom is the judge's turf: whatever he wants to
know takes precedence over whatever a lawyer might prefer to discuss.
Even so, it's not unusual to see lawyers try to stay within their comfort
zone by telling the judge they'll "get to that," or "That's not the point,"
or even "I don't think that's relevant." I can assure you that a lawyer's
reluctance to deviate from his canned presentation doesn't bolster his
credibility in the eyes of the judge. After all, if he were truly comfortable
with his position, he'd be willing to examine it from any perspective.
In everyday conversations, we have to be a bit more careful about how
we test someone outside her comfort zone. People try to stay with what
they know because it's safe and familiar.

It can be disconcerting to be forced off one's home turf, so your mission is
to proceed gently. Make the transition with tact and diplomacy, not abrasively.
The objective is to get to know the other person when she isn't just delivering
a rehearsed presentation, and you won't achieve it if you alienate her.
Instead, you'll see how she reacts when she's angry and offended.

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