fromNBtoOB
Don Juan
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2008
- Messages
- 12
- Reaction score
- 0
This will be a long post, but it is my intro to these forums. I have been reading a lot of the stuff on here lately, and other than the high school related stuff (lol), there is a lot of valuable material and perspectives here.
That said. Let me introduce my situation. I am an attorney in a large southern city, near the top of my profession for my age. I got married too young at 22 after college. We split up (she ended up leaving cause I just didn’t care anymore) in late 06, but we’ve actually been quite cordial (no hooking up or anything) since then so that’s the least of my problems.
I’ve been working where I do since late 04. A woman 4 years my senior (in age) started working there in 05. She had a live-in bf and I was married, so we were friendly among a large group of work colleagues, going out drinking a lot and stuff. Well, by early 07 I was single and her bf moved away and they broke it off. Here we are, both available and things immediately clicked. She is not (even close to) a ten, but I find her attractive (although I have dated better in the past). We start “dating” and quickly progress on to sort of a fb situation, which was cool.
Fast forward fall of 07, she basically calls me out on treating her as a fb and not a gf. She basically shut it down on that basis, however, over a drama filled weekend, I realize “I cannot be without her” (sheesh) and she concedes, we re-unite and then are bf/gf exchange “I love yous” etc.
Fast forward again to first week of Jan, 08. I get back from a long trip and we have a great weekend together. I told her I realized that I probably did not treat her right early on, that I wanted to make it better going forward etc… She says ok. A week later, after some somewhat unfriendly visits, I get no contact for three days then an email telling me all the reasons she cannot be with me. I push back with begging and pleading, she starts to relent and then unleashes a very mean second email basically really telling me off and exposing all of my flaws.
From this point, I hit the AFC wall hard. I was a blubbering mess. Trying to “get her back” every way that I thought I could: making myself indispensable; being the “best friend;” sucking up to her family; crying bull**** interrogating her friends on what I could do, etc – the whole nine yards. I call it the hall of douche-dom.
Of course, none of this worked, but she gladly kept me on as her AFC/IW. I supplicated in every way over the next couple of months, each time hoping the fact that she was inviting me over, emailing me, etc. was some sort of “sign” that we were about to get back together.
Anyway, over the past 2-3 weeks I have been doing a lot of reading, starting with ladder theory, and then progressing to forums like this one. I have begun to realize I am at fault for my situation, not her. She is just using a resource that is freely given, who can blame her? It was my not understanding what I am worth, what I can offer, my value, etc, that led to my insecurity, AFC-ness, and desperation – in other words, the solution was inside me, not inside her or anyone else. I was supplicating everything about me for a person who didn’t even want to have me as a bf.
Starting after the split in early Jan, I joined a gym and am doing about 4 days of workouts a week (cardio/weights) plus a lot of long walks. I have toned up and de-fatted a good deal over the past two months, and have gotten a lot of comments and attention from people who have noticed the change. I feel better and stronger. I’m working on things like eye contact and posture too.
Well, after learning up on the true way of women, I decided at the beginning of the month that the only way to go was to “next” this woman and move on to spinning multiple plates. Fortunately, I was out of town for the whole first week of the month, which made it easy to have no contact. However, since being back I have had to have some contact with her (as I said we work together). I have avoided any type of nexting ceremony, and have limited contact to just that needed to get the job done (if at all). However, seeing her again last night at a social event I really felt bad, like I was the one being the **** in the situation (yes, I know, I know). Is this common? Is this another trap – i.e. next me then get guilt trip. I know she knows a difference, that I’m not doing the IW thing anymore for her. What do I say if she calls me out on it directly? “I’m really busy” to me sounds like bull**** and I worry could enhance the drama if she feels I’m not being straight with her.
Bottom line, sorry for the long post but I need some tips on making a strong early NEXT last the duration, without being a total **** in the process (the way I read it, a proper next avoids drama).
Thanks in advance fellow warriors
That said. Let me introduce my situation. I am an attorney in a large southern city, near the top of my profession for my age. I got married too young at 22 after college. We split up (she ended up leaving cause I just didn’t care anymore) in late 06, but we’ve actually been quite cordial (no hooking up or anything) since then so that’s the least of my problems.
I’ve been working where I do since late 04. A woman 4 years my senior (in age) started working there in 05. She had a live-in bf and I was married, so we were friendly among a large group of work colleagues, going out drinking a lot and stuff. Well, by early 07 I was single and her bf moved away and they broke it off. Here we are, both available and things immediately clicked. She is not (even close to) a ten, but I find her attractive (although I have dated better in the past). We start “dating” and quickly progress on to sort of a fb situation, which was cool.
Fast forward fall of 07, she basically calls me out on treating her as a fb and not a gf. She basically shut it down on that basis, however, over a drama filled weekend, I realize “I cannot be without her” (sheesh) and she concedes, we re-unite and then are bf/gf exchange “I love yous” etc.
Fast forward again to first week of Jan, 08. I get back from a long trip and we have a great weekend together. I told her I realized that I probably did not treat her right early on, that I wanted to make it better going forward etc… She says ok. A week later, after some somewhat unfriendly visits, I get no contact for three days then an email telling me all the reasons she cannot be with me. I push back with begging and pleading, she starts to relent and then unleashes a very mean second email basically really telling me off and exposing all of my flaws.
From this point, I hit the AFC wall hard. I was a blubbering mess. Trying to “get her back” every way that I thought I could: making myself indispensable; being the “best friend;” sucking up to her family; crying bull**** interrogating her friends on what I could do, etc – the whole nine yards. I call it the hall of douche-dom.
Of course, none of this worked, but she gladly kept me on as her AFC/IW. I supplicated in every way over the next couple of months, each time hoping the fact that she was inviting me over, emailing me, etc. was some sort of “sign” that we were about to get back together.
Anyway, over the past 2-3 weeks I have been doing a lot of reading, starting with ladder theory, and then progressing to forums like this one. I have begun to realize I am at fault for my situation, not her. She is just using a resource that is freely given, who can blame her? It was my not understanding what I am worth, what I can offer, my value, etc, that led to my insecurity, AFC-ness, and desperation – in other words, the solution was inside me, not inside her or anyone else. I was supplicating everything about me for a person who didn’t even want to have me as a bf.
Starting after the split in early Jan, I joined a gym and am doing about 4 days of workouts a week (cardio/weights) plus a lot of long walks. I have toned up and de-fatted a good deal over the past two months, and have gotten a lot of comments and attention from people who have noticed the change. I feel better and stronger. I’m working on things like eye contact and posture too.
Well, after learning up on the true way of women, I decided at the beginning of the month that the only way to go was to “next” this woman and move on to spinning multiple plates. Fortunately, I was out of town for the whole first week of the month, which made it easy to have no contact. However, since being back I have had to have some contact with her (as I said we work together). I have avoided any type of nexting ceremony, and have limited contact to just that needed to get the job done (if at all). However, seeing her again last night at a social event I really felt bad, like I was the one being the **** in the situation (yes, I know, I know). Is this common? Is this another trap – i.e. next me then get guilt trip. I know she knows a difference, that I’m not doing the IW thing anymore for her. What do I say if she calls me out on it directly? “I’m really busy” to me sounds like bull**** and I worry could enhance the drama if she feels I’m not being straight with her.
Bottom line, sorry for the long post but I need some tips on making a strong early NEXT last the duration, without being a total **** in the process (the way I read it, a proper next avoids drama).
Thanks in advance fellow warriors