Being the "A" guy

Just read Keto's post about a woman who has spent the past ten years pining away for a married guy, whom she met when SHE was married.

This brings up an important point.

Women either HAVE an "A" guy, or they desperately want one. It has something to do with needing that emotional rush.

What does this mean?

It means that if a woman already HAS an "A" guy, you either have to be the right guy at the right time that has what it takes to usurp the crown, or you will be relegated to "B" or "C" status, depending upon her level of attraction.

See, my problem lately is that I have been meeting a fair amount of women who I manage to get to "B" status with, but lately becoming that elusive "A" has proven difficult.

I have to give myself credit though. I can honestly say that I DO NOT accept a "C" position, which is basically "friend zone", and I am quick to recognize when it's a losing battle to try to become an "A" guy.

I have seen this play out with women I have been with and even MORE so with other people and their relationships.

You meet a chick and get along well. She shows most of the classic signs of high interest when you are WITH her, however when it comes time to get together she flakes.

Why does this happen?

Well, lots of times it's because she might like you, she might even REALLY like you, but unless you got what it takes to dethrone her "A" guy, you are really nothing more than a temporary distraction/ego booster for her.

The "A" guy could be an ex b/f who cheated on her and dumped her and still calls her from time to time to keep the hook set.

Or he could be a guy who she is currently dating who has so far refused to commit to her exclusively.

He could even be the guy in the corner office who she has done nothing more than exchanged smiles with, who she has built up in her head to some sort of god-like status.

Or, he could be any guy in between.

The point is, there are MILLIONS of women out there who are walking around with their heads in another place, TELLING people they are single, even going on dates, even getting MARRIED TO OTHER MEN, who are actually NOT really single. In their minds they are having a relationship with Tom, D!ck, or Harry. Sure, she may be out on a date with YOU. She might even be laughing at your cheeseball humor and touching your leg when she talks to you. But deep down inside she can't wait to get home to check her email to see if her fantasy man sent her something.

Basically what I'm saying is that it's often hard to tell if a woman is secretly longing for another man. All you can do is keep your eyes open, and even then it's tough when a chick is flipping her hair and leaning toward you and talking about your next date ten minutes into your first one just to flake on you three days later. But this is why you need to be EXTRA vigilant with women, and not invest too much time into a losing battle.

Just thought I'd share.

I would like to add that the majority of woman out there will go for the better deal. The girl that I am fvcking right now who just turned 21 would probably dump me if she had the chance to get into a relationship say with someone like Colin farrell. Woman will usually go for the better deal.. I would say 90% of them are that way. So I guess in that situation I would be the B guy.

But that is a rare case and usually most people are either A or C. If your getting laid and never flaked on your the A guy. If your not getting laid and flaked on than your the C guy.

I totally agree with every point you made Str8up. You can start out as a B guy but if you don't get "upgrade" quickly to an "A" guy, then she either has another guy in mind to fill the "A" spot or she just doesn't see you as "worthy" of getting that spot. She might hold you brefely as a surrogate "A" guy but she'll keep the spot open for whatever replacement guy comes along and bounce you back down to B or C.

STR8UP said:

Well, lots of times it's because she might like you, she might even REALLY like you, but unless you got what it takes to dethrone her "A" guy, you are really nothing more than a temporary distraction/ego booster for her.

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Absolutley not. If a chick wants you, she is going to make time for you, regardless if another guy is in the picture whom she's f*cking. Simple as that. There'll be no flaking. No chick who really likes a guy is going to flake on him. It's pretty much obvious common sense.

She can be doing u every day and never flaking .. but that doesn't mean you are necessarily the "A" guy. Unless she tells you or you find out some other way, it is very hard to know.

Like STR8UP said, "The "A" guy could be an ex b/f who cheated on her and dumped her and still calls her from time to time to keep the hook set"

I was the "B" guy with my ex.

Only mid-high "8s" and up have "B" guys.

Hell, I had "B" girls when I was at my peak. The unfortunate thing is, "Once a B, always a B". There's a reason you're an A or a B. Just like there's a reason if you get relegated to C-status. Why is this?

It really just goes to whether you "click" for that person. The same way you can find a girl who you find very attractive physically, the sex is great, she's amusing to hang out with, but you JUST can't see spending a LOT of time with her. She's a "B". She's just not "what you're looking for" in the long-term.

And there's nothing WRONG with that. Bs are great fun. But when you meet someone who's really got "A" potential, Bs just get in the way. For a guy, it's the girl who's OK with him the way he is, who doesn't put a strain on his hobbies or his social life, who will accept or even share his viewpoint on specific issues, who shares similar interests, etc... For women, it's the one who gives her those "prince charming" kinds of feelings...like, "OMG HONEY HE MIGHT BE T3H ONE!!! OMFG!!!"

Unfortunately, women are, sad to say, EXTREMELY poor judges of quality. They tend to get distracted easily and often find themselves in A-type relationships with guys who are really a "B" or even a "C" for them.

Is that "hope" for the B-guy that one day he may slip into an A-spot? Not really. No matter how much you think you WANT that A-spot, if you were meant for it, you'd be in it 9 times out of 10. If you claw your way into it, you'd probably find that it's a role you're just not comfortable filling with that particular girl...she'd drive you nuts after a while.

Be careful when you get an ego-trip and try to become the "A"-guy for a girl who really is, for you, a "B"-girl. Lots of times you can ALSO become a poor judge as your ego tries to force you to pursue an "A"-role with this girl...you start overlooking her flaws and incompatibilities and "the prize is all that matters". That's how "ONE-itis" usually starts. Before you start worrying about becoming an "A"-guy, remember who's judging.

PRL is an ass, but he's right sometimes. A lot of these girls that EVERY guy wants to hook up with, they've been bombarded with stimuli to the point where they suffer from an inability to focus on anything. As a result, they're mentally retarded and have a very hard time distinguishing "A" guys from "B" guys among all the potential suitors. Lots of times, they just latch on to something DIFFERENT about a particular guy, even if that "something different" happens to be abuse, neglect, etc...and label that guy an "A". Honestly, a "hor" like this, to use his language, is best played in a "B"-guy to "B"-girl relationship. You don't WANT to be A-A with this one. You just wanna hit it.

I know it sounds cliche, but when you find the RIGHT girl, or one OF the right girls, rather, an A-A relationship will be natural. And when you're out with your B-girls and she's out with her B-guys, you'll both be thinking of each other anyway.

Str8up you make a valid point. I'd say it's vital to quickly determine how she sees you. Whether it's A, B, or C status. That comes from watching her actions. This is in concert with determining if you want to keep her as a plate. I've got 2 plates right now that I am in the A status. I know if I ask for something its going to happen, no questions. They hold me in that regard. I have 2 other plates that I am determining thru their actions if I'm A or B. In the past if I determined I was B or heaven forbid C status, I threw that fish back. I've found that you RARELY go from B to A, and NEVER go from C to an upgrade.
Thats my view from the foxhole.
KC

Married women who are having affairs often report a gut-wrenching sense of guilt whenever they have sex with their HUSBANDS. Many find themselves deeply confused, and they can only explain it by saying that she is 'cheating' on her lover with her husband.

This is a female thing. I can't imagine a man feeling that. A man might feel turned off or bored, or he just might not like his wife. But he's not going to feel guilty about nailing his wife, even if he does like another woman more.

Very few men manage to EVER become the "A" man. Here is why...once a woman has an "A" man...that literally becomes her ONLY man. She will go into a Blitz state...the type that not even Brad Pitt or George Clooney would be able to take her out of it.

Her eyes would ONLY be for that man.

If you ever become what you percieve to be a "B" man...(meaning she has another man that you call, "A")...you can rest assure that you are in reallity her "C" man...and the other dude a "B" man. You see? Once a woman is with the "A" man...there simply NO OTHER man. Unless, her "A" man is not longer with her, which then would allow her to settle for whatever is left.

As I said...very few manage to EVER go into that "A" status. The type that put a woman into a Blitz state.

By the way..."A" status has nothing to do with how a man looks. Instead, it has to do more with how she FEELS about him.

I managed to put my ex-wife (when we were married) into a blitz state. It was devastating for her when we divorced (of course, I was conscious about this and did my best to help her).

I learned from that experience and managed to put my ex-girlfriend in similar status. Was a little harder...but still managed. And I feel, I might be putting my current woman in a similar status.

If I cannot get a woman into a blitz state status...then I literally make her a "short-term" relationship.

This is the secret of a VERY LONG TERM relationship. And by the way...just because she is in a blitz state, does not mean that you will face issues in the relationship (eg. fights, etc.). Which means you have to be on top of your game when facing adversity in the relationship...as that garnish RESPECT...and blitz-state is a by-product of RESPECT.

Str8up is right.

There is an old saying about women 'there 3 kinds of men in womens lives. There is the man she really wants to ****, the man is she ****ing and the man who wants to **** her'

In str8up's world it is called ABC.

What str8up may not understand. These certain women who have labeled me A, is that i would never see these women as my A and my A woman who is lost in my past will never see me past B. So it is okay to settle with being B.

edger said:

Absolutley not. If a chick wants you, she is going to make time for you, regardless if another guy is in the picture whom she's f*cking. Simple as that. There'll be no flaking. No chick who really likes a guy is going to flake on him. It's pretty much obvious common sense.

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Yes, if a chick likes you she will want to spend time with you. But if there is someone else that she is hung up on, she might like you a whole helluva lot, but her A guy calls a couple of hours before your date and you are dead in the water son.

It's not a black or white thing as you would have us believe. Women can delude themselves (guys can too..it's called oneitis) into thinking that they have a chance with some dude who could give two sh!ts about them. And they will go through the motions with dating but they aren't really into it and it is VERY difficult to actually have a shot with these women.

A man may be hung up on one chick, but another hot one comes along and spreads her legs and all of a sudden the other chick isn't nearly as important. With women they get this "thing" about one guy, thinking he is "the one" or whatever, and it's VERY hard to pull them away.

Latinoman said:

Very few men manage to EVER become the "A" man. Here is why...once a woman has an "A" man...that literally becomes her ONLY man. She will go into a Blitz state...the type that not even Brad Pitt or George Clooney would be able to take her out of it.

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I agree. That's why you gotta realize that when you are with a woman, most of the time the highest you will EVER get is a high B.

And a high B isn't necessarily bad, but you gotta realize that she will still be scanning the horizon for an A. This is most women's default state. They are willing to settle in with a high B but it isn't a done deal for her. She will always want more.

Another thing to note is that it's MUUUUUCH easier to be an A guy OUTSIDE of a relationship. A woman will almost ALWAYS hold a fantasy higher than a reality.

That's an interesting point. how many guys can maintain A status in a relationship? Or better yet, HOW LONG can they maintain it? Once you get involved with her and she sees your flaws it's a lot easier for your status to drop.

I covered this to an extent when I wrote The Desire Dynamic way back when, but let me see if I can add something here. What the 'A' guy represents is the feminine version of ONEitis. While a guy may pine away for months or years for a woman who'll never reciprocate intimacy, he's more easily self-convinced of another ONE who will be sexual with him. This is how men are wired; at some point the diminishing returns of an emotional investment gradually drop to nothing when presented with another sexual opportunity. Not so for women. Women being primarily emotional beings, sex cements that emotional investment in her ONE. This is precisely why the BF who she loses her virginity to tends to become such an overwhelming emotional proposition for her. More often than not he's the 'A' guy by default.

Even when this isn't the case, the A guy becomes the benchmark who sets the bar for her B & C guys. Bear in mind it was women, the feminine, who first proposed the notion of the Soulmate, or the ONE, in terms of romanticism, not men. Men have only bought into it since at first it seemed to prove "sensitivity" as a means to a woman's sexuality, and then, only recently, as an ego-invested part of their own personalities to be used as AFC leverage to keep a straying woman around longer. Kind of a using her own weapon against her (which never really works because his approach is rational and hers emotional).

There was a topic on the Tom Leykis show on (or around) Valentines day a while back where he asked married or LTR female callers to call in and tell him if they were really with their "Prince Charming" - the guy they idealized, dreamed of, swept them off their feet and was the ONE soulmate for them. Of about 30 callers maybe 2 called in to say they were with their ONE. The rest had very emotionally charged testimonials about their ONE who they still ache for and how their 'B' guy, the man they settled for (in most cases had children with) doesn't know it and could never measure up to their 'A' Man.

I think there's a certain degree of mythologizing the 'A' guy since he's unattainable and therefore really unknowable. That casts him in an idealization that can really never be proven. It's like women who get addicted to romance novels; the rush comes from the imagining, not the actualizing. However this puts the 'B' guy in a bad position - particularly if he's an AFC who thinks his ship's finally come in and the girl who settled for him capitulates to marrying him because the situation is hopeless with her 'A' guy. Of course this doesn't have to be limited to marriage; I've personally known women in live-in situation who've left 'B' guy to go back to the original 'A' guy to have that self destruct and go back again to 'B' guy who welcomes her with open arms.

Rollo Tomassi said:

I've personally known women in live-in situation who've left 'B' guy to go back to the original 'A' guy to have that self destruct and go back again to 'B' guy who welcomes her with open arms.

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Maybe that´s the very reason why this guy is a B right? To accept her back?

STR8UP said:

I agree. That's why you gotta realize that when you are with a woman, most of the time the highest you will EVER get is a high B.

And a high B isn't necessarily bad, but you gotta realize that she will still be scanning the horizon for an A. This is most women's default state. They are willing to settle in with a high B but it isn't a done deal for her. She will always want more.

Another thing to note is that it's MUUUUUCH easier to be an A guy OUTSIDE of a relationship. A woman will almost ALWAYS hold a fantasy higher than a reality.

That's an interesting point. how many guys can maintain A status in a relationship? Or better yet, HOW LONG can they maintain it? Once you get involved with her and she sees your flaws it's a lot easier for your status to drop.

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My friend...I was the "A" man when I was married. But went to "B" man (meaning that she lost the blitz state...even when I was the ONLY man) due to my behavior with getting drunk, unemployed, wh_oring around with women, and coming home late at night almost very weekend. And that was in my upper 20s. To the point that she was considering divorcing me. But, I came to the realization that I did not want to end my marriage as the man that was a LOSER husband...so I had a talk with her and made a proposal to her. To give me a year to get my sh_it together so I could care better for my kids after the "divorce". I said that in matter of fact tone. She agreed. But then it came a transformation...I became by accident what I consider a TRUE DJ. I lived a life with dignity and treated her fairly. I made decisions and took the Alpha man role again. I had fun. Sex? Actually, that was always great and perhaps the only thing that kept us together during those bad times.

And out of no where, I became a Real "A" man. To the point that many women and men alike commented on how in-love my then wife seemed to be. It was unreal. Of course, we had the typical marriage arguments...as every marriage does.

And I kept that blitz state for several years until I decided I was not going to be happy living the rest of my life with her. It is just that I became a different man (DJ to its essense) and realized that staying with her was unfair to me and her.

But now that we are divorced...she has a lot of respect for me. She still angry that I left...don't get me wrong. But a LOT of respect for me.

It is hard to keep the "A" man status.

That's why I strongly believe that the "chemical reaction" is very important. If she does not have that at first...it is very hard to become the "A" man. "A" is her "alpha" man...and ONLY man.

Makes sense?

Latinoman said:

My friend...I was the "A" man when I was married. But went to "B" man (meaning that she lost the blitz state...even when I was the ONLY man) due to my behavior with getting drunk, unemployed, wh_oring around with women, and coming home late at night almost very weekend. And that was in my upper 20s. To the point that she was considering divorcing me. But, I came to the realization that I did not want to end my marriage as the man that was a LOSER husband...so I had a talk with her and made a proposal to her. To give me a year to get my sh_it together so I could care better for my kids after the "divorce". I said that in matter of fact tone. She agreed. But then it came a transformation...I became by accident what I consider a TRUE DJ. I lived a life with dignity and treated her fairly. I made decisions and took the Alpha man role again. I had fun. Sex? Actually, that was always great and perhaps the only thing that kept us together during those bad times.

And out of no where, I became a Real "A" man. To the point that many women and men alike commented on how in-love my then wife seemed to be. It was unreal. Of course, we had the typical marriage arguments...as every marriage does.

And I kept that blitz state for several years until I decided I was not going to be happy living the rest of my life with her. It is just that I became a different man (DJ to its essense) and realized that staying with her was unfair to me and her.

But now that we are divorced...she has a lot of respect for me. She still angry that I left...don't get me wrong. But a LOT of respect for me.

It is hard to keep the "A" man status.

That's why I strongly believe that the "chemical reaction" is very important. If she does not have that at first...it is very hard to become the "A" man. "A" is her "alpha" man...and ONLY man.

Makes sense?

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that is great stuff man....i appreciate being able to read this knowledge.

and I 10000 percent agree with the chemical reaction..that is golden to take that first emotional fix with the women.

Latinoman said:

It is hard to keep the "A" man status.

That's why I strongly believe that the "chemical reaction" is very important. If she does not have that at first...it is very hard to become the "A" man. "A" is her "alpha" man...and ONLY man.

Makes sense?

Click to expand...

I agree. You HAVE to have that primal attraction to be the top dog.

I am dealing with one now. She's coming into town on Friday. She desperately wants a relationship with me. This is the only woman as of today who I am the A guy with.

When we first met you could see it in her eyes. You know, the "deer in headlights" gaze. This was a couple of years ago. She has been through a couple of relationships since then. At any point in time I could have snapped my fingers and she would have moved to my city to be with me. There is no doubt in my mind she would to this day move IN with me if I asked her to, without us ever having officially "dated".

In a way it's good to be the A guy, but at the same time the chick is usually more in love with the ideals she is projecting on this person than she is the person himself, as Rollo pointed out.

This is a great nugget of thinking STR8UP. I am living this now. Except I’ll throw a twist at you from my reality: I am the A man and the B man to a woman now.

I am her number one top man but in B man status playing second to her idealized romanticized idea of what she wants me to be in her future.

She knows I will not “settle down” with her now and she accepts me dating others. I do not keep this as a secret, but she has made it clear that she expects after I “have my fun” I will commit to her.

Oh yes, the soulmate myth is alive and she is so sure of it she has complete confidence I will be “drawn” back to her later. Scary huh?

The only thing that keeps the balance is she is not my number one, otherwise I would be sucked into her reality and lose myself to her…..and paradoxically, lose her interest too.

This is reason number 9000 why dating multiples (plate theory, of course) saves your ass. I have fvcked up in a number of AFC ways but plate theory has been my air bag.

Be the alpha male she'll be a widow of should you two break up.

I'm a big fan of Athol Kay's work at Married Man Sex Life, particularly the Captain and First Officer dynamic. Google it and you'll see what I'm talking about.