A gentleman who has enough self-respect to walk away is the "bad boy"?

Jitterbug · Feb 6, 2008

Interesting entry I read on a relationship blog yesterday:

http://blogs.news.com.au/bossy/inde...llen_for_a_bad_boy_after_years_of_mr_nice_guy

Dear Bossy: I am a 26-year-old attractive successful girl who has a lot of friends and gets asked out on dates often. I have had a couple of serious relationships that ended as we grew apart and until recently I was very happy being single and going out on an occasional date with men I found interesting. Generally these tend to be nice boys with good jobs, who text you to say thanks for the lovley night, do not only think about sex and in general are what most women would consider boyfriend material.

So all was nice and well until HE showed up in my life literally out of nowehere. Met him through a mutual friend and from day one I had an instinctive feeling that he was a player. In his early thirtees, drop dead gorgeous, successful, charming, sexy… We didn’t have much in common as I am quite artistic and enjoy the cultural side of life whereas his main hobbies I assume are pubs, girls and more bars and girls. We were in contact for a while, he asked me out and I resisted for a while until my sister told me to give it a go and that one date can’t hurt. Oh, well… From that night on he has been occupying my brain space like no one before.

I have a very demanding job and social life but all I can think about is him. All signs from that night onwards were that he was very intrested but I kept him at a distance and he seemed to love the chase. Over the last month we went out a few more times and they were the most perfect dates one coud imagine until I started getting scared about how much I liked him and the fact that I probably wasn’t the only girl he was seeing. So I started texting him a bit more, being hot and cold, stopped being nice to him, said things I didn’t mean, insulted him a couple of times until he kind of had
enough and one day cut our date short and left. In short, out of fear of falling in love I stuffed up so badly and he did what no other man did to me before - he dumped me even before it had begun.

Since then I have explained myself to him as honest as I could, opened up about how much I like him, apologised profusely, he has responded assuring me it is all ok but I just know it isn’t. It is as if he loved the chase, I stuffed up by trying to cover up how much I liked him, he grew tired of it, I apologised for some pretty hurtful words, he assured me all was forgiven..... BUT since then he hasn’t contacted me without me contacting him first, he is always nice and flirty enough in his responses but hasn’t asked me out again. And I am not going to do that either as it would so stink of desparation, especially after I admitted about how much I care about him.

I know I stuffed up bad, but how in hell do I get him back and to want me as much as he did before??? Or is this just one of those things that wasn’t meant to be? Many thanks for your advice,
Stupid Girl

So this woman thinks she's the catch: attractive, successful, artistic, very social and can get plenty of dates with decent guys. She met a guy who is "in his early thirtees, drop dead gorgeous, successful, charming, sexy". Everything she wrote about his interaction with her says that he's a gentleman who treats her well. Yet she went on to play stupid drama games with him, which reeked of her insecurities, and this man had enough self-respect to walk away from the biatch, while still being courteous to her like a gentleman should. This drove "the catch" crazy and made her attracted to him more than ever, because with all that jazz going for her (attractive, successful, blah blah blah) she was DUMPED. :crackup: For someone with such a high opinion of herself, that must be a devastating blow.

What I find most interesting was her description of him as a "bad boy" player and among the comments, there were quite many women who agreed with her, while all the men said that he behaved exactly like a gentleman, with his head screwed on straight and not tolerating BS from a drama queen. I guess women don't know what a gentleman is anymore and are too used to AFCs being nice-guy doormats to them. There's a fair bit of blame-the-man game in those comments too.

I'd love to see where this woman will be in 10 years time, when she's no longer attractive and slowly realises that her "career" success can't buy happiness and reading and talking a lot about "the cultural side of life" don't mean that she's actually cultured. Don't think she will ever understand that though.

There's only a glimpse of that man in the blog entry but I believe he's a powerful DJ. That's what I want to become.

joekerr31 · Feb 6, 2008

there are a lot of teenager brains walking around in adult bodies.

guru1000 · Feb 6, 2008

She is chasing the validation. This was a big ego investment. Hot women with many options have bigger egos. Without validation, they melt.

iqqi · Feb 7, 2008

Awww poor girl. She thought he was a player from the get go! And he probably is, he obviously isn't hurting for her company. I think that she would have ended up getting played anyways.

ketostix · Feb 7, 2008

iqqi said:
Awww poor girl. She thought he was a player from the get go! And he probably is, he obviously isn't hurting for her company. I think that she would have ended up getting played anyways.

And she isn't a player? This time she played herself with her own games lol.

My Name is Nobody · Feb 7, 2008

Classic case of wanting what you can't have.

Francisco d'Anconia · Feb 7, 2008

A great example to men that you don't have to play the game if you don't want to and that believing that women have power over you is just a cop out.

DavenJuan · Feb 7, 2008

in this case , just like majority of casesl ike this.. she liked the IDEA of this guy.

eveyr other guy took her out, were nice to her with compliments, even called to make sure she got home okay.

this guy was still courteious but had other priorities.

if anything, this should be showing us not about being a badboy, but spinning plates.

Francisco d'Anconia · Feb 7, 2008

DavenJuan said:
in this case , just like majority of casesl ike this.. she liked the IDEA of this guy.

eveyr other guy took her out, were nice to her with compliments, even called to make sure she got home okay.

this guy was still courteious but had other priorities.

if anything, this should be showing us not about being a badboy, but spinning plates.

Having options is a very powerful thing.

reset · Feb 7, 2008

I didn't know women were so conscious of the games they played.

All probably WAS forgiven between him and her, why hold grudges. She played games and that's that. Nothing personal. Good luck with the next dude.

That or go into an endless mental loop where you try to dissect what she's doing and read her mind. I've had enough of that.

Guess that's where the options come in. And the ability to walk away, regardless.

Rollo Tomassi · Feb 7, 2008

Is this about self-respect or simply realized options?

I had an instinctive feeling that he was a player.

Yet, all was fine and good when,..

until recently I was very happy being single and going out on an occasional date with men I found interesting.

I see. So, spinning plates with,..

nice boys with good jobs, who text you to say thanks for the lovley night, do not only think about sex and in general are what most women would consider boyfriend material.

,..are OK, but a guy,..

In his early thirtees, drop dead gorgeous, successful, charming, sexy…

who's,..

main hobbies I assume are pubs, girls and more bars and girls

spinning plates makes him a "player".

I sincerely doubt that this guy said to himself, "ƒuck it, I have more respect for myself than to listen to this b!tch scold me over her presumptions, I'm outta here!" It was probably more like, "why am I wasting another 30 minutes with this asexual shrew after trying to get into her frigid püssy for the last month when I have 4 other confirmed women ready to swallow my load tonight? I'm outta here." She just got moved to the injured reserve list. She's no longer a starter.

Now the reason she's upset and can't stop thinking about the guy isn't so much due to him benching her, but more because she was trying to sh!t test him into being yet another Nice Guy like she was used to. She was used to setting the frame with these AFCs, but she encountered a guy who wouldn't allow her to and her response was to shame him, insult him and play hot & cold with him. And he, like a guy who knows his sexual value, simply cut his loses on an investment and most likely reinvested in another option(s). Her frustration isn't a result of this guy's actions, or even her own, it's because the Nice AFCs she was used to set a precedent of behavior for her that she assumed she was entitled to.

ketostix · Feb 7, 2008

RT you totally nailed it on every point.

LoneSilver · Feb 7, 2008

You hit this one square on the jaw and I believe your post is 110% right.

Good insight Rollo

LoneSilver

Rollo Tomassi said:
Is this about self-respect or simply realized options?

Yet, all was fine and good when,..

I see. So, spinning plates with,..

,..are OK, but a guy,..

who's,..

spinning plates makes him a "player".

I sincerely doubt that this guy said to himself, "ƒuck it, I have more respect for myself than to listen to this b!tch scold me over her presumptions, I'm outta here!" It was probably more like, "why am I wasting another 30 minutes with this asexual shrew after trying to get into her frigid püssy for the last month when I have 4 other confirmed women ready to swallow my load tonight? I'm outta here." She just got moved to the injured reserve list. She's no longer a starter.

Now the reason she's upset and can't stop thinking about the guy isn't so much due to him benching her, but more because she was trying to sh!t test him into being yet another Nice Guy like she was used to. She was used to setting the frame with these AFCs, but she encountered a guy who wouldn't allow her to and her response was to shame him, insult him and play hot & cold with him. And he, like a guy who knows his sexual value, simply cut his loses on an investment and most likely reinvested in another option(s). Her frustration isn't a result of this guy's actions, or even her own, it's because the Nice AFCs she was used to set a precedent of behavior for her that she assumed she was entitled to.

DavenJuan · Feb 7, 2008

ketostix said:
RT you totally nailed it on every point.

diddo :rockon:

azanon · Feb 7, 2008

Rollo Tomassi said:
I sincerely doubt that this guy said to himself, "ƒuck it, I have more respect for myself than to listen to this b!tch scold me over her presumptions, I'm outta here!" It was probably more like, "why am I wasting another 30 minutes with this asexual shrew after trying to get into her frigid püssy for the last month when I have 4 other confirmed women ready to swallow my load tonight? I'm outta here." She just got moved to the injured reserve list. She's no longer a starter.

Now the reason she's upset and can't stop thinking about the guy isn't so much due to him benching her, but more because she was trying to sh!t test him into being yet another Nice Guy like she was used to. She was used to setting the frame with these AFCs, but she encountered a guy who wouldn't allow her to and her response was to shame him, insult him and play hot & cold with him. And he, like a guy who knows his sexual value, simply cut his loses on an investment and most likely reinvested in another option(s). Her frustration isn't a result of this guy's actions, or even her own, it's because the Nice AFCs she was used to set a precedent of behavior for her that she assumed she was entitled to.

RT is dead on again. This is exactly the way I would work it today if i were still in the game.

Spin plates almost like an engineer doing mathematics would. Don't waist much time or anguish over asexual women, because they are out there. Occasionally, you can and will run into very attractive, and perhaps even sexy dressing women who seem to have no need or desire for sex. If you know you have high value and you're laying down powerful coercion with virtually no effect and/or see a stoic look on her face, laugh and walk away. Why tolerate such women with your precious, valuable time when there are plenty of women not like this? Walk away and pity them for their ignorance.

reset · Feb 7, 2008

Wow I love this. This is the mindset I want. I'm doing this with my job search, finally accepted that my time is valuable, and that's the same mindset you need with chicks. Your time is valuable. So you want the maximum amount of enjoyment from that time.

Rollo Tomassi · Feb 7, 2008

Not to belabor it more, but one thing that also stood out for me was this:

nice boys with good jobs, who text you to say thanks for the lovley night, do not only think about sex and in general are what most women would consider boyfriend material.

She encounters a guy who IS sexual and it IS a priority for him and she can't stop thinking about him. This goes back to POOK's threads on men desexualizing themselves as a method to get sex.

reset · Feb 7, 2008

So there you go, nice guys aren't ACTUALLY not interested in sex, they just pretend not to be because they think that will make them stand out from the herd, and get... sex. "desexualizing themselves as a method to get sex" lol.

I honestly, genuinely used to think I was above all that and therefore was different like we discussed before. But I guess I was lying to myself. Because all the girls I was nice to, all I wanted to do was fvck them. But I was a phony.

Now I act much more sexual around women, do stuff many guys would say "oh don't do that! That's jerk/and or too forward" and the chicks like it. Just like you say, the dude who actually acts with HONESTY about being sexual, gets the chick all crazy over him.

There must not be many men who are DJ then if she's truly come to expect AFC behavior like it was just a given.

azanon · Feb 7, 2008

Rollo Tomassi said:
She encounters a guy who IS sexual and it IS a priority for him and she can't stop thinking about him. This goes back to POOK's threads on men desexualizing themselves as a method to get sex.

Yeah, it is a bit sad that it probably qualifies as a paradigm shift for a man to be told and advised today that it's not only ok to behave overtly sexual, but also that it is actually going to be the most effective approach. This is to say nothing of the fact that it is natural and healthy for a man's state of being to behave this way.

jophil28 · Feb 7, 2008

iqqi said:
Awww poor girl. She thought he was a player from the get go! And he probably is, he obviously isn't hurting for her company. I think that she would have ended up getting played anyways.

THis is an Australian story - and clearly women "down under" as just as
messed up and self defeating as their sisters in Nth America. True .

ICKY -- So you are joining into singing with the "baitch chorus" and ASSUMING that "she would have ended up getting played.. " You are just as fukking stupid as the woman in the story .
For Pete's sake, why do women ASSUME that they KNOW what men are like and how they will behave. It is a dumb practice and the ASSUMPTIONS that this woman made combined with her little girl fears and insecurities were 100% responsible for the failure of the connection with this guy.

Most of you women out there are your own worst enemy.
At least the woman in the story has openly admitted that she "stuffed up" ( that means "screwed up" in Australia ) Perhaps she will adjust her behavior when the next "good guy" comes along.
I get the strong impresion that this woman is used to being fawned over by chumps, and when this guy came akong and acted in a strong and mature DJ way, she fell into the trap labelling him a "bad boy" ...However, at the same time she was enthralled with him and then the faked-up drama games began and he had the good sense and the self respect to just walk away.
I doubt whether this woman will learn from this experience either. Mostly they sit around snivelling with their lonely girlfriends drinking wine and eating ice cream and forming more unfounded ASSUMPTIONS about how he was tghis and that, and what dirty little secrets he probably had an so on.. anything to turn it back on HIM

The BOSSY baitch tried her hardest to let the woman off the hook but her advice was lame at best..

A gentleman who has enough self-respect to walk away is the "bad boy"?

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