you must love yourself

hopefully you guys will endulge me here for a moment. kind of a 50,000 foot topic.

i wanted to take a moment to talk about how important it is to come to love yourself. it sounds simple at first, in fact many people would say they do love themselves.

but the truth is we have all been raised to not love ourselves. to believe that we are 'not good enough' or that we can 'always be better'. and while we can always be better, that is no reason not to love who you are now.

and the reason i say this is because the ONLY person that is going to love you unconditionally in this world is... YOU. and it sounds odds - after all how does one love oneself?

well the answer is simple. you MUST come to feel about yourself the way you feel about your dog, or your mother, or your kids, or wife, etc.

i would be willing to bet you that 99% of you (and 99% of the world) love OTHERS much more than they love themselves. (which can be a scary thought given most poeple don't love others that much anyway).

we all have love in us. well most of us do. i mean, most of you have had pets at some point. and id be willing to bet you hugged and petted that pet and loved it without even trying.

and yet, i sincerely doubt that many of you shower yourselves with that kind of unconditional love (ok, here come the 'i love myself with my left hand every night' jokes )

and the reason is that on some subconsciously level, you don't feel you are worth it. you aren't attractive enough, you aren't successful enough, you don't have enough money, you've made too many mistakes, you're successful but don't have the life you want, etc....

whatever it is, there is a little voice in your head that tells you that you are not 'good' enough. as a result, the thought of ever truly loving yourself never crosses your mind. instead most of you are like the school yard bully, but you are bullying yourself!!! constantly comparing yourselves to others, putting yourselves down, worrying about failure (in asking a woman out, in handling situations, etc. )

but i would like to say, and this kidn of goes hand in hand with my 'people are good' thread, is that you can love yourself. all the things you REALLY want from women, friends, etc. (this sense of being wanted), you can have regardless of the people in your life. you dont NEED them to feel loved.

that love that you show your pet dog CAN be directed towards yourself as well! i know this all sounds very stuart smalley from SNL, but its true.

and i know its hard, because we've been conned. we've been lead to believe that its foolish to love yourself! that you must earn that love from the world around you. but that's bullsh*t.

even when the external world loves you - even when that woman says your the man of her dreams, what exactly is happening? her 'words' don't actually change you (they are only sound vibrations after all, they effect your eardrum and thats it). the feeling of 'love' that you get comes from how you process those words and the resulting impact that has on your brain.

in essence, the sense of 'love' comes from your own brain - more specifically from you releasing that feeling from inside of you. so when that woman says your the man of her dreams, you allow yourself to feel love. BUT, you don't need some woman telling you she loves you to feel love. you can release that feeling with absolutely no external stimuli. you can release it by loving yourself.

now i know a lot of guys are going to nit pick the word 'love' and go in to how love is just a neurochemical reaction. and thats fine, i probably wouldn't even argue with them. BUT, the point im making, is that thing that everyone is chasing, that sense of inner peace and acceptance in the world, serenity if you will, CAN be acheived without anyone else. YOU can love yourself if you will.

i know, sounds radical, or zen like, but its 100% true, and i might go so far as to say its perhaps the very point of our existence. when you acheive self love NOTHING in this world can ever bring you to your knees. nothing.

confidence? bah. anyone can learn to act confidence. buy a nice suit, get a good job, have some success with women, whatever, anyone can get themselves to a point where they feel they are 'the man'.

self love? this is so much more than confidence. this is authenticity. the real maccoy. when you meet someone who loves themselves, you realize you are meeting someone who has found the meaning of life.

when i was growing up, i use to wonder why some peopel seemed so nice. i couldn't figure it out. i mean, didn't they see the cr*p around them? now i realize that some of them are just faking it, but others simply love themselves. so no matter how dark the world gets, they will always be their own candle, lighting their own way. and they never feel 'in the dark' because there is always light around their epicenter.

anyway, with christmas hitting us, my holiday wish is that all you guys find yoruselves taking one step closer to self love.

anyway, just another rambling mind dump by your friendly neighbourhood Joekerr.

JoeKerr, you post like a professional

Pook made a thread called, "The Secret of The Jerk" and he said the reason the bad boy, thug, jerk, low-life gets laid so much is because he's not afraid of his male energy (testosterone).

Actually, I believe that the guy gets laid because he has an "unconditional" internal love for himself. He "sees" himself to be some ultra hot, cool, guy when in fact he could just be a garbage man for the local city.

But that internal strong "love" that he has for himself gives him:

1.) The confidence to stand his ground on something when the world is against him.
2.) The confidence to go after what he wants, if he doesn't get it he doesn't see that as failure, he just sees it as "I haven't got it YET."

I mean, the guy really is full of himself.

Now, imagine if the nice guys and great guys of the world would have this same internal love for themselves?

Guys believe it or not, but the tricks, mind schemes, and tips are all waste. The true Player/DonJuan/Guy that gets laid, is just nothing more but a guy with a STRONG internal love for himself....lol why is he so full of himself? Lol I couldn't tell you.

But if I were you, I would adopt that same internal love. It's the basis of all the ****y/funny, arrogance, non-clingyness, beliving and acting like the prize, comfortable sexual behaviors, swaggers, and all the rest of that stuff that makes a woman's panties soak.

anyway, with christmas hitting us, my holiday wish is that all you guys find yoruselves taking one step closer to self love.




Thanks for your good wishes. Here's a link that relates to this topic.

http://www.essentiallifeskills.net/loveyourself.html

So here's the question, what happens when you KNOW that YOU are good enough for any woman, but by the same virtue you KNOW that they will not feel that way, no matter HOW confident you are in yourself?

I know you'll say, "That doesn't matter, you love yourself!!", but that's not an answer. Human beings are a social animal. What do you do when you know deep down that you, yourself, are a great person the way you are, but that women (especially women THESE days, the ones you WANT) will NEVER see it that way? That they'll always be looking for the new toy, and that even if you WERE the answer to her prayers, eventually she'll get tired of you, through no fault of your own, and bounce on to the next novelty?

Squirrels, do you know how to be attractive to women?

Do you know how attraction 'works"?

Do you understand the term "Polarity" , with regards to Male/Female sexual/romantic dynamics?

Do you realize that NOT ALL Women will find you attractive? And, many women may find you ATTRACTIVE, but will not be INTERESTED in you?

Can you accept that?

Do you understand how to 'hear NO"?

Are you ATTRACTED to EVERY SINGLE Woman out there?

And more, are you Romantically INTERESTED in EVERY SINGLE WOMAN out there on this planet too?

squirrels said:

What do you do when you know deep down that you, yourself, are a great person the way you are, but that women (especially women THESE days, the ones you WANT) will NEVER see it that way?

Click to expand...

Who told you that?

Good post.

I myself in am a very similar place as to what you describe. I've been reading a lot of books by the Dalai Lama lately and his books carry this same message.

I think you (like me) may be outgrowing this forum. Which is a good thing, IMO.

Squirrels, that's a great question.

The answer is hidden more in an internal mental/social process rather than a external physical process.

When you know that you are "the s h i t" I should say, you should have a certain swagger about you, confidence, etc, etc., you get that part correct?

Okay, well during this time people in general will might start to what we define as "hate" on you by saying things about you trying to bring you down, make jokes about you, etc.

It's this stuff that you brush off and maintain your positive attitude, during these times some women might try to "hate" on you but you don't lose the love you have for yourself.

It's when your love for yourself is real that this truly works, you can't fake it.

At this point, you should start to develop a more ALPHA MALE type of display, by naturally feeling the urge to do things that only a leader would do, to stand out above the crowds, to "lead the group" I should say.

Women internally will all be attracted to you in this fashion, even though a number of them might tell a couple jokes about you or try to "roast" you a little.

From your natural and true internal love from yourself should develop and manifest a "personality." You should find YOURSELF ripping on people, maybe starting to put people down and look down on others. (this is what they call the ****y funny guy, but you should naturally be him)

It's all light fun all the way around, people will see you as a cool person, women will respect you, guys will look up to you (because women like you), and quite honestly you should be able to do pretty much a lot of things with the women you interact with.

There's many methods, seduction books, etc, but the foundation of them all is a person with a strong self esteem and love for themselves which have nothing to do with external things. This person is just joyful, peaceful, and happy, being this way makes him a "light" in dull places, a "spark" in boring places, and a "sexual treat" in casual places.

This goes back to something that has been said before,

"There's nothing wrong with ljust loving and being yourself, if you learn to love and be the positive side of you and hide and ignore the negative side."

The Secret of the Jerk is that in his mind, he's the best thing to ever happen since sliced bread.

squirrels you make these negative, fatalistic statements like "all is lost", then people respond, and you don't bother to reply. It's like you're just lashing out but don't truly care about what others are saying to you--your mind's made up.

Are you asking questions or just making statements?

squirrels said:

So here's the question, what happens when you KNOW that YOU are good enough for any woman, but by the same virtue you KNOW that they will not feel that way, no matter HOW confident you are in yourself?

I know you'll say, "That doesn't matter, you love yourself!!", but that's not an answer. Human beings are a social animal. What do you do when you know deep down that you, yourself, are a great person the way you are, but that women (especially women THESE days, the ones you WANT) will NEVER see it that way? That they'll always be looking for the new toy, and that even if you WERE the answer to her prayers, eventually she'll get tired of you, through no fault of your own, and bounce on to the next novelty?

Click to expand...

well first of all you aren't 'good' enough for any woman simply because all women don't have the same taste.

secondly, your question contains within it the kind of thinking that is polar opposite to what i'm talking about. the very basis of it is that it is important that a woman loves you.

the very point of my post was to say that the 'love' you are seeking from a woman you can experience by loving yourself. that 'feeling' that she gives you, you can experience without her.

your post basically equates to 'ya ya ya, anyhoo, how do i get a woman to love me and to keep on loving me.'

you're missing the point - which was that every single thing that you desire from the external world you already have inside of you. because ultimately, any and all interactions with the external world and the feelings they produce, are a result of your attitude towards them and the associated events that occur within your own brain.

women are not like cocaine. when you ingest cocain all kinds of feel good chemicals are released in your brain (dopamine, seratonin, endorphins, etc.). you are not capable of producing this high yourself becuase your brain is not designed to release those chemicals in those quantities for no reason.

but with women, the 'love' you feel is purely the result of how you react internally to their behavior.

now, some might argue pheremones give you that 'high' feeling, and so you do need a woman to feel 'up'. but thats bs. thats a very rudimentary sense of feeling good.

that peace, serenity, and feeling of being wanted and of having a value in the world, can be achieved simply by loving yourself. embracing a perspective of love towards yourself that is similar, if not identical, to the love that you would project onto a woman or a pet or a family member, etc.

Yo Troops,


It has often been said that people "fall" in love NOT so much with the other person, but rather, with HOW they feel about themselves while in the presence of that other person.

I'm not sure how much I believe the above statement, because although it addresses the EMOTIONAL aspects of love, it really sidesteps the issue of personal value recognition ENTIRELY.

So, because of that fact, I would venture to say that most men would indeed become INVULNERABLE to things like co-dependency, depression, and ONEitis if they actually believed they were MORE than just the glorified animals, driven by instinct that so many "text books" has led them to believe they are------but instead, believed they were beings full of limitless potential, endowed with unstoppable creativity, and given the awesome ability to impact the whole world around them (POSITIVELY or NEGATIVELY) with the choices they make.

If more men REALLY embraced this mindset, there would be NO WAY that that man could devalue himself-----or NOT love himself.

Also, there would be NO WAY that man could callously devalue others-----or NOT love them (keeping in mind the definition of love is much more encompassing than just simple moods or emotions----but ACTIONS and COMMITMENTS, as well).

Any man who LOVES himself has already consciously or subconsciously gone through the self-love actualization process:

He would have first RECOGNIZED his value on this earth. And once he's recognized his value, he then couldn't help BUT to RESPECT himself. And respect always preceeds LOVE.

So...without a doubt, it would stand to reason that SELF-RESPECT "is" the bridge every man must take in order to arrive at SELF-LOVE.




Peace...one day.

joekerr31 said:

...that the 'love' you are seeking from a woman you can experience by loving yourself. that 'feeling' that she gives you, you can experience without her.

that peace, serenity, and feeling of being wanted and of having a value in the world, can be achieved simply by loving yourself.

Click to expand...

Before you all buy into this, you better go read Harvel Hendrix on the topic of "the Myth of Self Love." - there is a chapter in one of his books which explains why "self love" is a a limited and superficial concept. It is certainly popular with all the "self-help" gurus but nonetheless , the concept is flawed.

Sorry ,don't blame me for popping the balloon.

Great post, Joekerr, and great follow up from Vic.

REAL self confidence does indeed come from self love. I don't mean in the sense of a person being "full of themselves" either, because it is good to have humility, how else will you learn? Self love is unconditional, you still know you have flaws that need to be worked on.

When a person truly loves themselves, they tend to get themselves out of bad situations more quickly than a person without that essential self love. It is healthy!

It is important to know the difference between true (self) love and just putting the blinders on.

jophil28 said:

Before you all buy into this, you better go read Harvel Hendrix on the topic of "the Myth of Self Love." - there is a chapter in one of his books which explains why "self love" is a a limited and superficial concept. It is certainly popular with all the "self-help" gurus but nonetheless , the concept is flawed.

Sorry ,don't blame me for popping the balloon.

Click to expand...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but maybe what Joekerr was referring to wasn't narcissistic self-love, but rather self-respect. This self respect could be reflected in one's actions (resulting from thoughts that led to the actions) and those actions out-wardly represent to others a strong foundation and boundries that will act as a barrier to malevolence.

Johnty said:

Correct me if I'm wrong, but maybe what Joekerr was referring to wasn't narcissistic self-love, but rather self-respect.

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Hendrix does not define "self love" as conceit or narcissisism either.
He points out that what most people call "self love" is really self care. Working out, eating right. getting enough sleep and so on.
His thrust is that we all need to heal our psychic injuries caused by our primary caregivers and their inadequate parenting. HE claims that because our injuries were caused by a significant person we can only be healed by a significant person within a committed relationship. This concept is out of favor with the counseling commiunity at present who cling to the belief that we can heal ourselves with enough "self love . Hendrix dismantles this belief skillfully.

He tells of his struggles on his own journey to healing though seven years of his marriage with his wife (who is a professional therapist as he is ).

iqqi said:

It is important to know the difference between true (self) love and just putting the blinders on.

Click to expand...

There's a difference?

All the banter I see lately on SoSuave is aimed at telling you it's OK to be an ugly, broke, stupid, friendless, loveless failure at life, as long as you love yourself unconditionally and are happy where you are.

No matter how much the Zen masters preach to you, you CANNOT deny your own desires. They are a part of being human. To delude yourself into thinking, "Oh I'm happy the way I am, so it doesn't matter if my life is sh!t"...what does that accomplish?

joekerr31 said:

you're missing the point - which was that every single thing that you desire from the external world you already have inside of you. because ultimately, any and all interactions with the external world and the feelings they produce, are a result of your attitude towards them and the associated events that occur within your own brain.

Click to expand...

This is exactly what I'm talking about. You are advocating using your brain to DELUDE yourself into believing that your life is good when it is in fact NOT, in order to receive the feelings of which you speak.

No good feeling about yourself replaces loneliness...and I'm not talking about loneliness just between a man and a woman, but loneliness/feeling isolated from society in general. By your logic, you should be able to go live on a desert island for the rest of your life by yourself and be perfectly happy doing so.

Man is a social animal and one that thrives on external stimulation. Here you are advocating detachment from "the Matrix" out one corner of your mouth, and out the other corner, advocating creation of your OWN little "Matrix" where you're "the man" and you already have everything you could ever need. The "masculatrix" is no better than the "feminatrix"...the program is just different.

I dunno what happened to this site. It went from, "YOU CAN be successful with women" to "don't worry about being successful with women. Just stare into the mirror, click your heels together three times, and say, 'I love you, me' until the desire to be intimate with a woman fades".

I don't want to be satisfied with being unempowered. I'd rather be legitimately empowered. But that's just me, I guess.

Squirrels,

You didn't answer my questions. That's ok.
You seem to be 'stuck' in a binary mentality, and a very much 'show me' attitude, that's ok too.
But I do feel you have a negative outlook, basically cynical and pessimistic.

I also see some resentment towards people who DO have a positive mindset and do Love themSELVES.
You come across as thinking this is all bullsh*t. But I see an attitude where you will not let yourself GROW into an open and growth inducing purpose in Life.
I know you want to see results.
But I will say that going this route, will lead to long term gratification and short term gratification. But it takes time, guts, and faith.

It is not about DELUDING oneself.
It is about putting things in PROPER Perspective.

I must say that it's not too encouraging to really want to reach out a helping hand when someone seems so quick to dismiss viewpoints that may actully benefit them specifically.

But hey, we're here to help.


Every decison you make is one in which you GROW, or REGRESS.

One in which is in COURAGE or in FEAR.

One that is either Positive, or Negative.

One that is either Destructive, or Constructive.


If your purpose in Life is to 'be happy", it doesn't take a psychologist to see that you don't seem like you want to in particular.

Go ahead and take the time to think things over.........

No one is forcing you to accept anything.
I personally don't need anything from you.

Interceptor said:

Squirrels,

You didn't answer my questions. That's ok.
You seem to be 'stuck' in a binary mentality, and a very much 'show me' attitude, that's ok too.
But I do feel you have a negative outlook, basically cynical and pessimistic.

I also see some resentment towards people who DO have a positive mindset and do Love themSELVES.
You come across as thinking this is all bullsh*t. But I see an attitude where you will not let yourself GROW into an open and growth inducing purpose in Life.
I know you want to see results.
But I will say that going this route, will lead to long term gratification and short term gratification. But it takes time, guts, and faith.

It is not about DELUDING oneself.
It is about putting things in PROPER Perspective.

I must say that it's not too encouraging to really want to reach out a helping hand when someone seems so quick to dismiss viewpoints that may actully benefit them specifically.

But hey, we're here to help.


Every decison you make is one in which you GROW, or REGRESS.

One in which is in COURAGE or in FEAR.

One that is either Positive, or Negative.

One that is either Destructive, or Constructive.


If your purpose in Life is to 'be happy", it doesn't take a psychologist to see that you don't seem like you want to in particular.

Go ahead and take the time to think things over.........

No one is forcing you to accept anything.
I personally don't need anything from you.

Click to expand...

Good post and I was thinking the same thing. Growing to be a "Mature Man" is a major challenge which many here are failing miserably. Grow or die.

Growing to be a "Mature Man" is a major challenge which many here are failing miserably

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Something's brewing..but it will take some time.
With some effort and the part of some members, we can deal with this effectively and get real results.
I am not joknig when I state that we need to focus on such terms as "Unit Integrity" and "Unit cohesion", and "troop morale". I take this seriously. So do many on here.This isn't a "Counter Strike" forum, or some teenie craze BS thing here.
We have to stop all the negative self talk, and really listen to the primal voice inside.
That's where the answers are.

There are such things as deep rooted masculine archetypes. And they're there for a fvcking reason, gents. We just need to look at them, observe them, understand them.....and then use them to build a better life as we connect to them again.


I'm working on some things for anyone interested here. Will post about it later.



But, the more I think about it, in terms of ourselves as Masculine Men, as MALES, we NEED to have Strong Masculine Role Models who LEAD us, and MENTOR us.

I'll go forth and make an effort to anyone who needs some guidance.
I don't have all the answers, and am not by any means 'perfect". I wil not claim superiority.
But I have had the same struggles as you, I'm just a little farther down the road.............

squirrels said:

There's a difference?

All the banter I see lately on SoSuave is aimed at telling you it's OK to be an ugly, broke, stupid, friendless, loveless failure at life, as long as you love yourself unconditionally and are happy where you are.

No matter how much the Zen masters preach to you, you CANNOT deny your own desires. They are a part of being human. To delude yourself into thinking, "Oh I'm happy the way I am, so it doesn't matter if my life is sh!t"...what does that accomplish?

Click to expand...

That's why I said humility was important, and THAT is part of the difference with self love vs putting the blinders on. Loving yourself unconditionally doesn't mean stop growing. It means that you love yourself, even if you are ugly and broke, for whatever reason there is to love yourself. For instance, I LOVE the way I think, and the way my mind works. I love my ability to laugh at the world around me even when sh!t is hitting the fan. This love is enough to get me through times when I am broke, or friendless, or loveless, or my life seems like sh!t. It is also what drives me to change for the better.

Now if I was prancing around singing I am the SH!T no matter what, and not doing anything to GROW, then one might begin to worry that I had the blinders on.

Many things happen to you in life solely due to the way you look at things. That is part of what I was trying to get across in the people are good post.

Another way to look at it, life is SHORT. Why spend it being miserable? Everyone has the power to improve, or change, their life. WHY be hung up on stupid sh!t? Why???

Do you really believe that you have NOTHING going for yourself? Or is it just a bad time? Because everyone has those bad times. I have times when I just feel like life SUCKS and there is NOTHING I can do about it. During those times, I hibernate. I take some ME time. During this time I read a lot. I feel like reading has helped me to define life. There is a lot to be learned from stories. Perspective, mainly. Basically when my life seems like crap, I transplant myself into different worlds, and I do usually come away with something. This is an alternative to traveling, if you are broke.