How do you get rid of a BPD woman?

Knight's Cross · Nov 22, 2007

Men,
From my previous postings I told you of a woman that was Pure Poison. A BPD whack job that I had to get clear from. Well Mission accomplished. I'm clear of her. I started seeing other women. WOW, what an eyeopener. Now while there aren't any real winners as of yet. I have gotten free of the Oneitis that was infecting me. Spinning multiple plates has allowed me to see things for what they were, and not what I only wanted them to be.
OK so the BPD whacko is still at it. I have told her goodbye over a month ago, and she still calls and texts. I refuse to change my cel #. It's my number for chrisakes. I'm not going to be so scared rabbit as to have to change my #. No I cannot get her cel provider or mine to block her calls. They said they would but without police involvement that's not possible. I blocked her e-mail address. I delete her phone and text messages on reciept.
Here's my question, and please only mature non counterproductive responses are welcome: How do I get her to stop? Within the realm of me having no contact this is almost impossible. I figured she would get the point. I said goodbye, I don't contact her....She just isn't taking the hint. See, me calling her is just feeding into the drama that she lives on.
Or do I just go for the juggular and tell her to F-off in no uncertain ice cold emotionless terms.

Thoughts?

KC

KontrollerX · Nov 22, 2007

"How do I get her to stop? Within the realm of me having no contact this is almost impossible."

This always happens when you beat them at their own game.

There are three ways she will stop this.

1. Continue doing what you are doing by having no contact and eventually she should stop due to seeing she can't hoover you back in or she'll find someone else and gradually stop her quest to win you back. The goal of winning you back is to stop the pain they feel from being abandoned.
This as you know though can take a little or a long time depending on the BPD.

2. Contact the police and look into legal options of putting the heat on her to make her stop. Its also advisable to get a lawyer and have a consultation if you can as there is no telling what a scorned BPD will do for revenge. She may accuse you of rape or cut or beat herself up and claim you did it or someother god awful thing if she can't get you back. You have to cover your ass starting now. Make sure when you go places there are witnesses and you keep records and times of when you've been some place and people can verify you've been there. Depending on the severity of her BPD she may even try to kill you. On a forum I used to mod about this one of the BPD horror stories had a BPD drive her car through some poor bastards house trying to kill him and herself. I'm not saying be paranoid about this and that it absolutely will happen to you but I am saying just be aware that she could be capable of this depending on her severity. One last thing you can do is record her calls and emails to have proof of her harassment. Get her voice recorded when she calls you and record dates and times she does this. Stuff like that. This is serious.

3. Completely undesireable option but pretty much full proof gets rid of all Cluster B women and even normal women lol. Go back with her and be a huge AFC and smother her with sappy love. Normal women would dump you for this because its lame and unmanly. BPD's would dump you for this because they cannot stand to be truly loved in any fashion because they fear you will just eventually turn on them and abandon them.

Good luck!

Knight's Cross · Nov 22, 2007

K-X,
Thanks, I believe it'll wind up somewhere between option 1 and 2. Option 3 is a no-go since it goes against being a DJ on principle. Funny it would probably work, but not good for my self esteem.
I don't see her going homicidal, but its a good point that I should be vigilant. I'm ex-military. Even that said, there are gaps that she could exploit in my defenses. I don't record her messages on Voicemail. I was advised to delete them for helping me make a cleaner break. I see that I may have to if this keeps going on too long. I'll also take your advice about covering my actions.
I think one of the lessons to be learned here is that guys need to realize that there are women out there like her. They are unhealthy and unfit for relationships. If I would have been plate spinning all along I would have seen it.
Good thought out information, thanks K-X!
KC

KontrollerX · Nov 22, 2007

"I don't see her going homocidal, but its a good point that I should be vigilant."

The sad thing is from BPD to BPD you never really can tell what they are capable of when the chips are down for them.

The strength of them and all Cluster B women is to appear so tragically gentle and giving at first you can't help but love them (well and overly exciting for some of them) but their dark side of course is having a broken form of empathy compared to ours, an extreme selfishness and entitlement and the one thing that puts our lives in danger if its too strong in them and that is the repressed anger they feel at their lives and those they are involved with. Since they are trapped living with a half child mind half adult mind they cannot process anger and let it go as easily as we can and without a trained professional helping them sort out the pieces of their fractured psyche their anger can manifest in horrific ways depending on how bad they view something that has happened to them in life.

So definitely stay on guard and ever vigilant bro.

You'll probably be alright but hey its better to be safe than sorry.

"I'm ex-military. Even that said, there are gaps that she could exploit in my defenses. I don't record her messages on Voicemail. I was advised to delete them for helping me make a cleaner break.
Good thought out information, thanks K-Ex!"

That is definitely good advice to get over any relationship but sadly it becomes counter productive advice when you have a vengeful ex stalking you.

Definitely start recording those harassing calls if you can and only listen to the voice long enough to verify that its her.

Just her calling you when you've stated that you do not want this anymore is an act of harassment so I don't think its necessary for you to have to listen to all the messages in their entirety to make sure they've got a harassing tone since the messages existing themselves are the harassment.

Knight's Cross · Nov 22, 2007

K-X,
You hit the nail on the head when you described the lack of empathy, and extreme anger. I saw this in her repeatedly. She had real issues with anger. She would swing to rages about coworkers, or family members....There were signs that I should have read earlier. Now that I'm away from the blast radius its more obvious.
KC

Bible_Belt · Nov 22, 2007

Do you mean borderline, and not bipolar? Borderline is like bipolar to the tenth power, with all the options. To say 'bpd whack job' is redundant. They are all nuts, but there are patterns to their madness.

Fear of abandonment is inherent within the disorder. I bet one of her parents abandoned her, right? What a bpd will do is structure their life so that they experience abandonment as much as possible, despite having a horrible fear of it. They re-live their childhood abandonment over and over their entire lives. That's what she's doing now through you. The more you reject her, the more it gives her what she is subconsciously seeking.

I don't know any easy answer other than for you to understand her disorder. When you can view her in a clinical light, then it will make it easier to separate your emotions from her. But don't hate her for being what she is - that girl can't help it, just like other handicapped people can't help their handicaps. She's not evil; she just has a mental disorder.

MacAvoy · Nov 22, 2007

I vote for option 3, AFC'ism ALWAYS works

Knight's Cross · Nov 22, 2007

B-Belt,
She has shown Borderline type behavior the whole time we were together. I agree with you, I don't hate her. The important facet was just to get away from her. Understanding what she was helped. Basically she has an abandonment-engulfment complex. She fears abandonment, yet sets things in motion that will ALWAYS repeat that process. As far as the family part, no I didn't see that mom or dad had abandoned her. Of course I only saw what she wanted me to see. Somewhere her development as an adult was stopped. She acts as a child, only knowing need.
Bigger issue is for me to just keep on path and stay clear. I learned here on the forum about borderline disorder women. It's been a tough couple weeks, but well worth the awakening. Thanks for all the support.

paintballz · Nov 22, 2007

tread LIGHLTY, dont make any sudden comments out of heated temper as they can cause you a WORLD of grief, i been there done that!!!

dealing with these types is the only time you will ever have to swallow your pride a little bit, or else play to her chord and get in trouble, beaten up or thrown in jail.

They have the passion to ruin your life if thats there agenda...

if you learn anything from this is too learn to spot these girls SOONER and not get attached or let them get attached to you.

Road Demon · Nov 22, 2007

Knight's Cross...

I had one of them also. All I can say is wow, what a drama rollercoaster ride. You begin to question your own sanity, but at the same time you know you are sane? Off all the females I have ever dated, the BPD one the most difficult one to get over. It took alot of reading and very limited contact.

Just try Ignore her, let her leave messages. She will always contact you, so occasionally take her call (every month or so). While on the phone with her be polite, talk about superficial stuff in a positive manner, and then cut the call short. You need to do 'soft rejection.' They go through cycles of love/hate, hallmark of their black/white thinking. When she finds the next 'victim' you should be OK. They will always contact you from time to time.

These 2 books really helped me with interventions to diffuse her behavior from affecting my life. Check them out at Barnes and Noble

"Stop walking on eggshells.Taking back your life when someone you care about has BPD." Paul Mason and Randi Kreger.

'Intergrative treatment for BPD. Effective, Symptom-Focused Techniques, Simplified for Private Practice" John D Preston Psy.D

They live in a very sad world. Be emphatic to them from safe distance.

Cheers,
RD

jophil28 · Nov 22, 2007

KontrollerX said:
[

BPD's would dump you for this because they cannot stand to be truly loved in any fashion because they fear you will just eventually turn on them and abandon them.

Good luck!

This is so true - and I would add this . BPD women seek a kind of immature fawning attention from men. They are incapable of being in an adult relationship because they are emotional children in adult bodies.
And, like children, they do two things that children do.

1, Expect a huge level of involvement and commitment from you BUT give little back. They try to create a relationship without commitment on their part. They want it all their own way.

2. They restict or limit intimacy in a relationship because they are terrified that they may have to GIVE something of themselves to you in return. SO they try to create a deal in which they get what they want without paying the freight. Just like kids.

However there are a plentiful supply of AFCs out there to play their games.

Warning ! BPD women play the sex card early in relationships to hook you in and then they gradually withdraw themselves but amp up their demands on you.

Evil little critters.

jophil28 · Nov 22, 2007

Knight's Cross said:
. She fears abandonment, yet sets things in motion that will ALWAYS repeat that process.

THis is key to understanding the BPD woman.
I watch for several "giveaways" in their gbehavior wich MAY point to BPD traits .

1. If you hear her history as one of stormy relationships.(of course she will always portary herself as victim)
2, Past relationships in which she was fawned over or adored by a man but eventually abandoned by him ( this is the outworking of HER compulsive need to destroy relationships BEFORE they destroy her)
3. Hypervigilance - a generalized fear of all things -especially men.
4. Promiscuity or infidelity by her within her previous relationships.( she will justify these )
5. She acts initially like the girl next door - all things sweet and nice. Then she rapidly offers herself sexually to create a bond with you.

There is more but this is my "Beware BPD women" Starter Pack.

aliasguy · Nov 22, 2007

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Jophil and road demon are onto it here.

Stop Walking on Eggshells is indeed the basic guide ---- an excellent resource, and will open your eyes to the workings of BPD craziness.

There's a forum at http://www.facing-the-facts.net/index.php for people involved with borderlines, too.

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Bible_Belt · Nov 22, 2007

My HB9 bpd (soon to be ex) gf is bpd. It was mad crazy sex all last week. Now she is not interested at all. She does surround herself with fawning AFCs by leading them on and pretending that they are stalking her. She started disrespecting me and it just got worse b/c I didn't call her on it. I just went and got another girl. I do miss the sex, though. She was the best I ever had. Crazy girls are amazing in bed.

I just noticed that her babby daddy changed his myspace quote to 'the beautiful mother of my baby girl is the most important part of my life." And his myspace mood is "horny." If she took him back, I am going to laugh at her...a lot. He's a completely whipped AFC (the myspace quote), they met in jail, he has no house, job, car, or education, and is not that bright. He's a decent guy, though, other than all of that. If I could see them being happy, I'd be all for it. But she has an IQ probably double his, and the pedestal treatment will get old soon enough.

Knight's Cross · Nov 22, 2007

Road Demon thanks for the book idea, I'll hit B&Noble after the thanksgiving day rush tomorrow. Jphil, B-belt, and Aliasguy thanks~ Great input. I hear what you are saying, to preclude an attack I will just tread away lightly. She does surround herself with fawning attention. I've seen that.
About her past, A guy that she was engaged to and her broke it off 3 weeks before the wedding. She stated that he became selfish. My take is that he just got tired of her ever increasing demands of him. The final break after some rebounds there was UGLY. He told her to get the F out of his house, and if she didn't he was calling the police. Sound familiar to BPD behavior?
Again, once I'm free of it I see what she really was. Tough right now. I hate to think I wasted close to a year before I put it all together. Her consistenly poor behavior just left me exhausted. I'm better now. Dating a couple different women. I'll admit I did read yesterdays Text messages. They were so in tune. She asked if I was seeing anyone, and then in the next message tried to remind me of some things that we shared together that were fun....So she wants to know if I'm with someone else, and then tried to play on my emotions...
Again, its very clear now. Today being a day for thanksgiving I appreciate alot, but I really appreciate the members of SS. You guys have helped me unplug and take care of myself.
KC

aliasguy · Nov 22, 2007

Bible_Belt said:
My HB9 bpd (soon to be ex) gf is bpd. It was mad crazy sex all last week. Now she is not interested at all. She does surround herself with fawning AFCs by leading them on and pretending that they are stalking her. She started disrespecting me and it just got worse b/c I didn't call her on it. I just went and got another girl. I do miss the sex, though. She was the best I ever had. Crazy girls are amazing in bed.

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Yeah, man, I concur. My ex is likely BPD.

Total slut (not that there's anything WRONG with that, unless she's made promises to you.) The sex with her was the best EVER. It ALMOST made it worth it all, but not quite. Since, I've learned to elicit some crazy sex from "normal" women. But it's never quite up to the sexual frenzy of the BPD chick. It really is hard to describe. It's amazing.

You're right. The crazies f*ck SO well.

The on/off thing is frustrating as well. One week you're the MAN, then next week you're the scum of the earth. It's fascinating, once you get a little distance, but confusing while you're in it.

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cordoncordon · Nov 22, 2007

Just to add to this.

I lived with a certified BDP for about 1.5 years. She was diagnosed with it and has been under therapy of some sort for most of her life.

Like many of you she seemed perfectly normal when i first met her. Pretty, well spoken, funny. And she came on like gang busters when I first met her. Sex right away, declaring her love for me within a week or two. Saying how i was her knight in shining armor. Hooked me immeaditely.

Soon I began to see many red flags. Drinking, many failed relationships, many different jobs, strange stories about her past, changed her hair style and color many times, could go from one hobby to the next like the drop of a hat and never revisit the old one again. She began to have depression, raging like you have never seen someone rage. I mean could literally go on for hours screaming over nothing. And then the next day be the sweetest person you would ever meet.

Soon when she began to doubt my true love for her she made up stories to attract sympathy. Saying she was raped in a parking lot, saying she was attacked when she took out the garbage and even had perfectly placed slice marks on her head to "prove it". Of course since I had found out so many of her past stories were lies, i really didn't believe these either and of course those turned out to be false as well. All to get my "attention".

After a while her daily drinking became so bad, her raging so bad, I was ready to move out and on with my life. Thats when she took a knife and in front of me slit her wrist wide open. Thankfully she sliced it parellel and not across, or she would have died right there. I mean her wrist was wide open, cut all her tendons, everything. She also o d'd on her her meds to try and kill herself.

She really tried to get help. I mean she realized what she had and didnt want to be that way but there was nothing she could do according to her.

Finally when i left for good, she hit and sliced herself and then called the police saying I attacked her-which I didnt. I was arrested, put in jail for two days, humiliated. I eventually got everything cleared but only after paying court costs, lawyer fees, and attending anger management class for 15 weeks at $50 a pop. If anyone knows me they call me the most laid back person they know. I never get angry, which is why that class was such a joke, and the instructor knew that after a week or two and gave me a glowing report to the judge.

She also stole my car, slandered me to everyone she knew. All because I left her.

There are a million other stories I could tell about her in the time we were together, but suffice it to say they are all very similar to the ones I gave here. Lets just call it a neverending soap opera.

I was sucked in. I thought I could "fix" her. When i got out of that relationship eventually it felt like all the life had been sucked out of me. Thats what they do, suck the life out of you and then move on since they always need new forms of excitement and drama to keep them from thinking about their own depression.

I am telling anyone now, if you have any inkling that your gf or wife has borderline personality disorder, run like you have never run before. I have had numerous psychiatrists tell me BPD is the one disorder they are actually scared of. It is untreatable.

jophil28 · Nov 22, 2007

aliasguy said:
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The on/off thing is frustrating as well. One week you're the MAN, then next week you're the scum of the earth. It's fascinating, once you get a little distance, but confusing while you're in it.
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THis is what is referred to as "black and white thinking" in the signs and sypmtoms .
I guess that we are all somewhat familiar with the occasional bewildering mood swings of most "sane" women BUT BPDs are in another dimension.
Their rollercoaster moods are extreme and deviate well outside the normal range.
Also remember that these chicks are extremely controlling,duplicitous and manipulative with a bloated sense of entitlement. Their ancient anger at men is justification (to them at least ) for their atrocious behaviors towards men who have never caused them a moments anguish in the present,
One of the most tragic of life's scenarios is a woman with active BPD being pursued by a smitten man who only wants to love her.

Knight's Cross · Nov 22, 2007

CordonC,
Thankyou for sharing your story. Its bringing to light what I'm up against. I won't take what you guys have said lightly. I haven't seen this extreme behavior. However, the underlying issue is similar. SO I don't know what my ex BPD will or will not do. I do believe exactly what you have said. She won't go easily. That and I know I CANNOT FIX HER. I don't want to.
I felt EXACTLY like what you described when I pulled the plug. I was physically and emotionally EXHAUSTED. I didn't go to work for 2 days. From there its been a steady climb.
All women have issues guys. What I should have listened to was a) my gut. b) my good friends that told me things like,"she doesn't build you up". or she's,"a couple shoe sizes too small for you". Trust your friends. Often when you are too close to something you 'warp' reality.
There's being AFC, then there's being with a BPD. Doesn't matter, either is stupid. I had enough of that and walked. Now I know what to stay clear of in the future.

KC

aliasguy · Nov 22, 2007

cordoncordon said:
Just to add to this.

I lived with a certified BDP for about 1.5 years. She was diagnosed with it and has been under therapy of some sort for most of her life.

Like many of you she seemed perfectly normal when i first met her. Pretty, well spoken, funny. And she came on like gang busters when I first met her. Sex right away, declaring her love for me within a week or two. Saying how i was her knight in shining armor. Hooked me immeaditely.

Soon I began to see many red flags. Drinking, many failed relationships, many different jobs, strange stories about her past, changed her hair style and color many times, could go from one hobby to the next like the drop of a hat and never revisit the old one again. She began to have depression, raging like you have never seen someone rage. I mean could literally go on for hours screaming over nothing. And then the next day be the sweetest person you would ever meet.

Soon when she began to doubt my true love for her she made up stories to attract sympathy. Saying she was raped in a parking lot, saying she was attacked when she took out the garbage and even had perfectly placed slice marks on her head to "prove it". Of course since I had found out so many of her past stories were lies, i really didn't believe these either and of course those turned out to be false as well. All to get my "attention".

After a while her daily drinking became so bad, her raging so bad, I was ready to move out and on with my life. Thats when she took a knife and in front of me slit her wrist wide open. Thankfully she sliced it parellel and not across, or she would have died right there. I mean her wrist was wide open, cut all her tendons, everything. She also o d'd on her her meds to try and kill herself.

She really tried to get help. I mean she realized what she had and didnt want to be that way but there was nothing she could do according to her.

Finally when i left for good, she hit and sliced herself and then called the police saying I attacked her-which I didnt. I was arrested, put in jail for two days, humiliated. I eventually got everything cleared but only after paying court costs, lawyer fees, and attending anger management class for 15 weeks at $50 a pop. If anyone knows me they call me the most laid back person they know. I never get angry, which is why that class was such a joke, and the instructor knew that after a week or two and gave me a glowing report to the judge.

She also stole my car, slandered me to everyone she knew. All because I left her.

There are a million other stories I could tell about her in the time we were together, but suffice it to say they are all very similar to the ones I gave here. Lets just call it a neverending soap opera.

I was sucked in. I thought I could "fix" her. When i got out of that relationship eventually it felt like all the life had been sucked out of me. Thats what they do, suck the life out of you and then move on since they always need new forms of excitement and drama to keep them from thinking about their own depression.

I am telling anyone now, if you have any inkling that your gf or wife has borderline personality disorder, run like you have never run before. I have had numerous psychiatrists tell me BPD is the one disorder they are actually scared of. It is untreatable.

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Sorry for you, cordon, and I believe you COMPLETELY.

These women are very dangerous, and tricky. You don't know what you're getting into at first, but they will ultimately hurt you BAD.

They can do as cordon's woman did and you'll end up with legal headaches,; they will cheat and lie, with the face of an angel and perfectly crafted "stories" to cover.

They are indeed "ill," and perhaps we shouldn't "hate" them, and try to understand, but they are the closest thing in this world to "unintentional EVIL" ( and I'm not really all that sure about intent, here) that I've ever heard about.

It IS untreatable, in nearly all cases. I'll go along with the "run" advice if you suspect this disorder.

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How do you get rid of a BPD woman?

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