Any Coward Can Do This (Part 4): Only approach if it's fun and easy!

Some important points I made last time:

I think people should feel joy during the act of approaching or not do it at all.

My job, the entire purpose of the any coward can do this series, is to make approaching fun, so that people WANT to approach - not for the benefits later, but for the joy of approaching right now.

Now if I just got on here and told you a really easy and risk-free way of approaching a girl, NOBODY WOULD DO IT. Because one of the root problems is that we're embarrassed to want sex at all. I have covered this in part two. The point of this series is to provide simple, painless exercises that help us realize that approaching women is actually fun and easy. These are not "easy ways to approach" - these are easy ways to make approaching easy.

Part 1, I provided an experiment to provide personal evidence that it is not fear that stops us from approaching.

In Part 2, I recommended a "straight pride parade" - talk about sex with everybody outside of the workplace - and judiciously within. Talk with your parents, your friends, your family. Tell all. This is a GREAT shortcut to approaching. I can't believe more people haven't thought of it.

You will soon see that approaching women is something that appeals to you.

Part 3: I recommended dressing down a bit rather than dressing up. Force your personality to make up for your looks - too many people have this backwards, and try to make their looks make up for their lack of personality. This is a dead end approach and needs to stop.

Why dressing down works: it's not so much the dressing down, it's the mentality. We should always force ourselves to be more and more honest. The things that are hard to say are the things people say the least: that's why they're the most interesting. Learn to make what embarrasses others interesting and attractive. It forces you to sell yourself better. Challenging your interesting personality to come out is the fastest and most effective route to success - because having a personality is true skill and power in all domains of life.

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Have you ever noticed how often people say "use the three second rule", "force yourself to approach", "I know it's scary but push yourself, or "just do it." These are things you say to someone about to jump a barb wire fence.

"But," they say, "have fun."

Has anyone else noticed the contradiction in this? You don't have to force yourself to eat, to breathe, to masturbate, to eat chocolate, to get a massage. We all enjoy these things. They're fun, that's why we don't have to force ourselves to do them.

Fun is doing what your heart really wants you to do. I for one have never particularly enjoyed dragging myself by the ankles to go and talk to some girl. I don't find that fun. I think it's miserable. I like talking to hot women, I like having a good interaction. I hate dragging myself though. And every time I "just" did it, I hated it more and more.

But everyone always said "try it long enough and you'll learn to like it." Or, "you'll hate it at first, but then it'll be fun." So I kept trying.

Until one day I realized that fun and forcing are like fire and water - they can't co-exist. I realized that I had to stop forcing myself to approach. I totally stopped and I started doing a bunch of exercises to heal my past and I didn't approach for months. I wanted to, but when I asked myself in the moment "do I think it would be fun to approach this girl?" the honest answer was no.

I was really afraid I would never approach. I was terrified that focusing on fun wouldn't work.

I began to notice right away, though, that my interactions became far less forced. I had stopped trying to "win" every interaction, and instead was focusing on enjoying every interaction. I got closer with my parents, and my brother and sister. Then one day I realized that I had a really amazing personality. I can't even describe how wonderful a feeling it was: I was trying to stop myself from approaching but I was doing it anyway! I kept telling myself, "I'm not ready" but I wanted to approach so badly that my feet and mouth moved as if under their own power. What a miracle!

I would suggest forcing yourself to approach a few times. Try just pushing yourself to your limits. At least give it a go once or twice.

For some people, this will be enough. This works for some. But it doesn't work for all people. People who have been on this board a while and they're still stuck, that is probably them.

So if pushing yourself doesn't work for you, S-T-O-P approaching unless you think it will be fun. Just relax.

If that means that you stop approaching altogether that's ok! That is perfectly fine. Most people on this board have approached when it terrified them. You have proven your courage.

Approaching shouldn't require courage. When you find the right frame of mind, it doesn't require courage. You can find this frame of mind without approaching. It just requires wanting fun.

If you push yourself prematurely, it's just going to be harder for you the next time. Your mind is going to have just one more bad memory to overcome. Instead of directing energy toward beating yourself up, the successful focus their energy on loving themselves.

Ultimately, with fear our psyche is trying to help us. It's trying to protect us from mental pain. This is a good thing, and we shouldn't approach until we have enough self-confidence that we don't take what strange women say the wrong way. Approaching shouldn't be "hard at first", it should be easy and fun all the time.

Don't accept anything less than fun from approaching. If a girl stops being fun to talk to, just say take care, maybe get a phone number, and walk away. No biggie.

I'm not saying you shouldn't feel afraid at all. Feeling afraid is fine. Just make sure you feel enjoyment and fear. Make sure your heart is in it. True approaching skill is learning to have fun approaching. Forcing things is a bad habit. Everything should flow.

Good luck,
Izza

informative post. Ive ALWAYS hated to approach because I never knew if they would actually mind or not.

My question is HOW THE HECK do i know if a girl in a club or bar wants to be approached? Is eye contact ALWAYS necessary before approaching or not? These are my burning questions.

^^^It doesnt matter if she wants to be approched or not you just do it. They all wanna be approached anyway no matter what they say cause there girls. Also use eye contact but don't be a stalker. This is comon knowledge man. Don't be a dummy. Just take that pu$$y man. It's you'res you desvere it. Good luck.

Event3horizon said:

My question is HOW THE HECK do i know if a girl in a club or bar wants to be approached?

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You'll know when you get there. A lesson I learned from an extremely successful business leader awhile ago: keep moving forward, keep pushing the boundaries, and stay on course; you'll know when you hit a brick wall.

I learned that lesson because what he would do to get things done is to go ahead and do what needed to be done. If that meant stepping on toes, so what? In the corporate world, he would know when he needed to adapt his strategy because someone would inevitably tell him to stop. At that point, he'd pivot and continue down another path.

You don't know the future. You can't tell the future. You can only predict what might happen in any number of possible futures. The best way to figure out the future is to be there. Look out, plan ahead, but don't let foresight prevent you from taking action.

Event3horizon said:

informative post. Ive ALWAYS hated to approach because I never knew if they would actually mind or not.

My question is HOW THE HECK do i know if a girl in a club or bar wants to be approached? Is eye contact ALWAYS necessary before approaching or not? These are my burning questions.

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Hey EH,

I enjoyed reading your reply. One thing I really like that you're doing is thinking "why am I afraid? What don't I like about approaching?" If you ever want to enjoy approaching, these are the things you will have to work on: either you will have to learn to love it, or heal the old wounds.

As for your questions, the attitude you have is weak. Which is fine. That's what we're here for. Your considering whether or not women want you to approach is very noble and considerate of you. I see that you have a good heart and you should never leave that good heart behind. Women love sweetness mixed with a bit of toughness.

Please note however, that you view a conversation with you as a (potential) burden. This points to you needing a better foundation with parents and friends - and better familiarity with your own inherent beauty and wonderfulness. In the meantime, though, you're right. Some women won't want to talk to you initially. Every person approaching gets that - it's normal. Your attitude should be "I'm going to make her want to talk to me." Do you think women are excited to talk to me initially when I'm dressing down? Hell no. There are better dressed men everywhere. That's the whole point of "part 3." I get 'em laughing and soon enough they're happy to talk to me.

Also, ask women who they're there with. That way you'll know why they might be a bit hesitant.

Don't wait for eye contact. That's a bad habit to rely on eye contact. Work on your game and you won't need to worry about who's looking at you or not. In fact, I avoid all women who make eye contact. I only approach women who aren't looking at me at all.

Good luck - you're getting there and I like your honesty. In fact, have you ever tried talking to women about your fear of women/approaching/sex? Very interesting conversations and if you have the right vibe, women will make up the slack.

Izza

izza said:

Hey EH,

I enjoyed reading your reply. One thing I really like that you're doing is thinking "why am I afraid? What don't I like about approaching?" If you ever want to enjoy approaching, these are the things you will have to work on: either you will have to learn to love it, or heal the old wounds.

As for your questions, the attitude you have is weak. Which is fine. That's what we're here for. Your considering whether or not women want you to approach is very noble and considerate of you. I see that you have a good heart and you should never leave that good heart behind. Women love sweetness mixed with a bit of toughness.

Please note however, that you view a conversation with you as a (potential) burden. This points to you needing a better foundation with parents and friends - and better familiarity with your own inherent beauty and wonderfulness. In the meantime, though, you're right. Some women won't want to talk to you initially. Every person approaching gets that - it's normal. Your attitude should be "I'm going to make her want to talk to me." Do you think women are excited to talk to me initially when I'm dressing down? Hell no. There are better dressed men everywhere. That's the whole point of "part 3." I get 'em laughing and soon enough they're happy to talk to me.

Also, ask women who they're there with. That way you'll know why they might be a bit hesitant.

Don't wait for eye contact. That's a bad habit to rely on eye contact. Work on your game and you won't need to worry about who's looking at you or not. In fact, I avoid all women who make eye contact. I only approach women who aren't looking at me at all.

Good luck - you're getting there and I like your honesty. In fact, have you ever tried talking to women about your fear of women/approaching/sex? Very interesting conversations and if you have the right vibe, women will make up the slack.

Izza

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Very inspirational info Izza, you're a prettty darn good observer. Yes, I do have a "good heart" because I love women and think they should be treated with respect IF THEY return that respect. This "love" for women i need to limit so as not to pass the "putting on the pedestal" mentality.

I do exactly view approaching and making a convo a huge burden because I am simply not good at it and I don't want to end up saying something stupid then bang my head on the wall 5 minutes later. My relationship with parents/friends is very good I dont hesitate to communicate with other people as much as I can but with it comes to girls that I potentially like it just makes me feel different.

To me women seem to be clueless about approaching guys. I don't know how often they do it. It would nice and easy if they approached US right? damn.. that'll be the day.

"One of the root of the problems, is that "WE'RE" embarrassed to want sex at all"????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL....*****...

Speak for yourself if you are too much of a ***** to portray that you are sexually interested in a girl when interacting with her.

I don't think most guys have that problem who read on this site...sure some guys have more trouble then others with women who come to SoSuave and read on this forum. But I think most guys who come here and read are looking to shore up their game a bit, and are already at least somewhat successfull. I think portraying sexual interest in a girl and being embarrassed about letting her know you are sexually into her was a "root problem" back in 6th grade. I think 99% of the dudes out there are passed that, and problems start arising when they can't close the deal after she knows he is into her sexually, which is why some guys come to this site.