Muscleman's Growing Up Journal

I'd like to start off by saying that I've been here for a while (under a different username at one point). Lurking here and there, contributing where I could, but mostly soaking up knowledge.

This is not an approach journal per se. I like to think of this as a progressive blog/discussion about my path in life, and not just with women. For too long I've been living in a dream world and it finally hit me. All the mistakes I've made and time I've wasted have finally culminated into this one giant cluster-fvck and I found myself as a stereotype of the exact person I swore I would never become. And the root of it all? Fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of not being accepted, you name it. Fear and Laziness. Laziness because I've always had it easy, because I've always had someone or something to fall back on, because I never had to go out there and make it on my own. Now I have to and it's the toughest thing I've ever had to do. The best way to describe my current state of being is "interesting". I'm not gonna lie and say that I'm happy with where I am. I am not in the least bit. But I'm optimistic about the future. Sursum ad summum.

Spilling the beans on an internet forum does feel awkward at times, but the relative anonymity is somehow the next best thing to talking with family - the only other people who will give you advice to benefit you and not them. Theoretically. I've also been through quite a bit but the learning never stops. There's always someone who's been through more. Probably a lot more.

So I want to focus on making my life what I want it to be and following my dreams instead of wasting it on video games in my parent's basement. And yes, I want a good woman too. But like someone on here said, the top women only want the top men. It makes sense. I'm not there - I'm nowhere close.

I encourage everyone to stop by and have a read, share your experiences, and maybe help me on the path to becoming a real man in a society that severely lacks them. Lend some words of wisdom, if you will. Perhaps my experiences will help someone else as well.

Not-So-Brief History

I'd like to go over my dating history as it may set the tone and provide some insight to anyone truly interested in how things panned out thus far.

I wasn't a very attractive kid in the sense that I was goofy, extremely skinny (genetically), and aside from my face there wasn't much else there. It was around my junior year of high school that things turned for the better. I got my braces off, I went to Cancun that summer (good tan and I actually flirted with a girl there), I lifted weights for the first time, and although I had no idea what I was doing I somehow managed to pack on a good 20lbs of weight - probably because I was so underweight that it was the only thing that could happen. Puberty must have helped too. Anyway, that year I was getting more attention from girls, but still couldn't get one. I just wasn't a very confident person. I always hung out with the "losers" in high school. You know the mixed crowd of geeks who always sat at their own small table and talked about video games? Hell, I wasn't even a real geek. The incredibly smart ones didn't even want me in their group; they were too smart.

That summer I joined pre-season of Cross Country and met a freshman (I was now a senior) who would become my first girlfriend. It lasted most of the school year with a lot of on-off near the end. It was everything a first relationship is stereotyped as: inexperienced puppy love. But it was complicated beyond the typical complications of high school. Her parents didn't approve. We only went on 1 date outside of school. We didn't have any classes together so we always had to find times to sneak off in various places of school to "get it on". We never even had sex. That whole summer after graduation I was devastated. I thought I really loved that girl. I don't need to into details because I think a lot of us have been in that first relationship and the first breakup which always hurts the worst.

Anyway, I met a couple girls online a few months later and went on several dates here and there. Nothing went anywhere. Still no sex. This is where my "meeting girls online" deal kicked in. It became exclusive. Even after starting college I couldn't, for the life of me, get a girl from class. I tried too hard. I was "weird" (well, I did rollerblade to class lol).

Around January of 2003 I started dating another girl I met online. She lived an hour away in the middle of nowhere and talk about two completely different people. It lasted for a couple months. We made out, still no sex. Then we split up.

About a month after that I found yet another girl online. She lived closer. I really fell for her. I drew her a picture of us from a photograph we took together on her birthday. It's funny because even after all these years (where we don't even talk anymore), she still mentioned that she keeps it and will for the rest of her life. I've never done anything like that for anyone else. She was also the one who took my virginity, in a completely random way (carpet floor of her parent's house while her older sister was out at some store .. tisk tisk shouldn't have left us alone!). We had chemistry from day 1. But I was still extremely AFC and it didn't last. She lost interest and after 2 months it was over.

About a month or so later I met another girl - online (sigh). By this point I had already worked out for several months so I was in decent shape. Although I was still only 150lbs at 5'10", I felt like a million bucks. For me, it was a big accomplishment. She was very open to having sex and even wanted to hook up the first night after we all got to drinking (this is also around when I started my drinking behaviors). Get this, I actually turned her down because I felt bad at the time for taking advantage of a drunk girl. No matter, her IL was through the roof and it was the next day that I hit it. Unfortunately, she was an emotional wreck after a very rocky LTR and I was the rebound. It lasted 3 weeks. We saw each other at parties and such on and off for years to come and she even wanted me to get on her (as she explicitly mentioned later) on several occassions .. while she was engaged to her bf. I'm friends with him and although I think he's a cool dude, he's an AFC for still keeping her around after she cheated on him - more than once. I guess they're getting married now. It boggles me.

Anyway, after that I hit a dry spell for a few months. Around the beginning of 2004 I met my longest LTR to date - a girl with whom I stayed for 1 year. We ended up moving in together, mainly due to timing. She got kicked out of her house, I wanted out of my house (couldn't stand parents anymore), and I had a coop job that paid enough to make it happen. The whole thing was a mess. She couldn't hold a job, I lost a ton of money, I got her out of debt because at the time I loved her, we would spend tons of time doing nothing but watching tv and drinking while I played videogames, and how did it end? After 1 year she came up with an elaborate, although heavily flawed, plan to go cheat on me with some dude in Canada. Well, I found out and that was that. Maybe me turning down sex just so I could finish an instance of WoW had something to do with it? Yea, pathetic I know.

Right after that I explored my first rebound. It was one of the hottest girls I've dated. We both played this whole innocent Christian bit and it built up unbelievable sexual tension. She told me she was a virgin and that I took hers. I'm still not convinced about it, but whatever. We dated for about 3 months. I was AFC. She tried to help me, telling me that she "needed a chase". If I had only known prize mentality at the time. She ended up cheating on me with a guy who, coincidentally, knocked her up and now she's a single mommy - who still calls me so we can "talk". I probably sound like an ass for saying this, but it made me feel good. Needless to say I don't talk to her.

The following year I met another girl online. This was pathetic. She was a virgin, we dated for 5 months, and never even had sex. Oral yes (which is probably the only thing that kept me going), real no. It actually got her really horny when near the end I told her I was done "putting up with her sh!t". She wanted to get back together but after being completely disrespected in the way that I was there was just no way. I will never forget the day when we were talking and I asked her "so you think I'm a bad person because I've slept with several girls and you're a virgin?" to which her reply was "yes". I was floored.

After that I dated for about a year. I still met girls online. I did start going to friend's parties (again girls I met or had dated before were these "friends") and got a couple ONS. One was a FUG. I regret that one. Actually it happened with another FUG as well a bit later. I have NO idea what I was thinking. I want to vomit just remembering the experience. Another ONS was at one of the same parties with a girl that wasn't completely hideous, but certainly not one I'd want to date. I don't feel completely terrible about her and my game with her was actually BRILLIANT.

It was one of my high DJ moments - or maybe I was just hot and whatever I did didn't matter. I met her briefly once at the party as I was heading out and she just got there. I gave her a hug with a "I don't give handshakes I give hugs" line. But then again it was the perfect social proofing moment. She was in a room with people who all knew me and were all like "hi muscleman I haven't see you in forever!". It was perfect. I left after that with no intention of seeing her again. At a later party a few weeks later she happened to be there. I talked to her a couple times, nothing big. I was seriously lifting at this point in time so I brought a tilapia dinner with me (while drinking beer lol) and was told to eat outside on the porch because it smelled fishy. So I'm out there by myself and guess who comes to join me? After I finish (we're sitting in the same larger chair at this point .. I just sat down next to her) I ask her if she wants a breath mint and immediately start making out. Then we go inside and I don't really talk to her the rest of the night. I really wanted to get laid with one of the more attractive girls. When all else failed and everyone got in their beds/couches, it just ended up with her on a bed by herself. So I undressed and got in bed with her and immediately she goes "I was wondering where you went". You can guess the rest.

Anyway, killing the inner AFC is insanely difficult. Near the end of last year I went on multiple dates with several girls. 1 of them I bagged then lost interest in for reasons I still can't explain (stupid me .. she was hot with natural DDs), 1 of them played TOO hard to get (wouldn't even let me kiss close), 1 of them I qualified myself with a bit much. This last one I hung out with several times and our first night together we made out. I could have bagged her on date #2. I had all the buying signs. Breasts exposed, all that. Even gave her an almost entirely naked oil rub. Then I chickened out. A couple more dates after that and I called it quits. Somehow she was still interested and wanted to go out for drinks to "catch up". I was involved at the time and now it's too late.

Then in January of this year I reached my DJ pinnacle - I bagged two different girls, both on the first night together, both hot, both within 1 week of each other. I felt like a pimp. I mean my eyes were really opened. I didn't realize how easy it was to get a girl in bed. All we did was go to a movie theater. I kissed her before the previews were up and tried to play with her (slowing working my way up her thigh, after holding hands .. basic kino escalation) the entire movie, to which I always got the playful rejection (she'd remove my hand, but I was persistent and would slowly get to the same spot again, this time a little closer). I did this with both girls. I then suggested we go back to my place to "watch another movie". You get the rest.

So I ended up dating 2 girls at the same time for almost 2 months. It was great. Then I got a talk from one of them "are we seeing other people or are we exclusive". It wasn't even a relationship trap, it was just a question. I figured it was so I quickly replied with "sure we're exclusive". And that began the 8 month relationship that is now over. I have a lot on my mind about everything that happened and I'll explain it all in detail.

The Latest Relationship - Lessons Learned

I've had a week to analyze the past 8 months of my life and I think I have a better understanding of why things played out the way they did. I believe there were 3 main reasons why this relationship failed.

1) I never killed the inner AFC
2) I didn't have my sh!t together
3) I didn't screen well

Now that you know how we met, let me go over in a bit more detail what happened afterwards and how it related to these 3 problems.

1) I never killed the inner AFC

At first things were suave. I mean I felt like a true pimp. I was able to get a girl to sleep with me within 3 hours of meeting her and the ball was in my court from day 1. The second time we hung out (I called her a few days later) I met up with her and her friends at a bar. Her friends loved me. I talked up all of them. She was hanging on me. The sex was bomb. I would be hittin it for hours at a time. She even told me on several occassions "God that was the best sex I ever had". We had anal. First time for her, first time for me too - she was surprised when I told her because she thought I was some "sex expert". First slip up, oops. At one point we were laying in bed with her in my arms after a nice long session and she would go "I feel so powerless ... like you're in complete control". That felt good. After we dated a while she would complain that we didn't see each other enough - which I was able to disarm. She was into me. She told me she loved me first. I returned it after a few times.

Things were going perfectly but after a while I began to slip up. Slowly, she realized I wasn't the "hot a$$hole" she fell for. I was a nice guy with a facade. They were little things that gradually became more apparent. Most of it started after we agreed to exclusivity and I stopped seeing the other girls. She was my only source for sex and she now had a lot more pvssy power. I got mad when she wanted to hang with her friends and not me. I would get mad over stupid stuff. I got too comfortable - I started playing video games too much again. It got to a disgusting stage. There was one night when we were at a bar and she straight up said, right in front of me, "I'm sorry but that guy (the bouncer) is HOT. But don't worry he's probably an a$$hole and you're a nice guy." Even her best friend looked at her like WTF did you just say? It gets better. She then goes "he's the guy who'll fvck you til Thursday, but he's not relationship material". Straight up verbatim. She was eye fvcking him right in front of me. She lost all respect for me. That night back at her house I left to go home. The next day we had a semi-breakup, but didn't and ended up seeing each other for about 1 more month.

That's just one example of how things deteriorated. There are too many to list, but suffice it to say I never killed the AFC. I, like so many other guys, wanted to be accepted and loved so bad that I patched up all my problems instead of fixing them from the ground up. I read all the stuff here, I tried this and that, but I never grew up. I never developed this elusive "inner game" that everyone preaches. I never became the natural I wanted to become. Eventually she lost all attraction to me. She said she tried to figure out what was wrong, but it came to a point where she stopped caring if we had sex or not. It wasn't fun for her anymore. It was done. Over. So why did I never develop the DJ from within? Because I never really worked on myself. Sure I worked out and that gave me confidence, but it was only 1 small piece of the puzzle and hardly enough. This leads to point 2.

2) I didn't have my sh!t together

I focused so much on women that I lost sight of what was more important not only to me, but also to those same women I was chasing - myself. We met around the time I was finishing college. She was older than me by almost a year and had been building her career since she was 18. She had a technical degree. She was out on her own (living with roommates or by herself) for years. I was still living at home.

I'm sure she saw the potential in me, hoping I would get a high paying job soon to provide for her. I wanted to take a little break and see if I could develop my side internet business (which was a hobby of mine ever since high school) into a full business. I couldn't. Furthermore, I never graduated. I failed my last class and missed an internship. I have to make it all up. I can't even get my degree until Spring of next year. Of course she doesn't know that, most people don't. We talked about moving in together, getting out of here, me building my business and her finding a new job elsewhere. It was all a dream and completely unrealistic. It never happened. The potential she saw in me as a provider was gone. I was out of school for almost 4 months and I didn't do a damn thing. And yes, any woman worth her salt will look for a man long term #1 as a provider, #2 as everything else. I know that now. I wrote a long post about it called Love: The Product of Circumstance (and $$).

She was even ready to move with me anywhere in the country. If I led, she would follow. Of course I couldn't lead because I couldn't get a job because I hadn't even graduated. Now I have to pay for it and do all I can until the time comes to finish this cursed degree. She, as someone who already had a career she was building, was looking for someone who, even though she had money, could provide for her. Someone who had a career going, who was out on their own. I felt like an idiot always coming over to her place to spend the night cause I was still living at home and playing video games in my parent's basement. She even got tight on money at one point and had to move in with a roommate which only complicated things. Had I been more financially stable, that never would have happened. She even gave me hints along the way. For my graduation gift she got me a personalized .. get this ... money clip. Later we were talking about how much money I would make, joking about being a millionnaire, and she goes "if you had a million bucks I would do anything you wanted". Money talks.

3) I didn't screen well

I wasn't very good at screening. She was a bit of a party girl. She did drugs in the past, she still smoked socially, drank every weekend (sometimes even weekdays), had a tat, all that. She was hot. Sex was wild. But hey, party girls are typically more experienced so it's nothing new. She gave it up the first night .. a few hours after we met. She later confessed to me that she thought "that was that" and that she'd never hear from me again - meaning she was perfectly fine with just a one night stand.

Even as our relationship progressed, not much changed. I don't know why I expected it to. She still drank a bunch, smoked socially (I will never date a smoker again), would get straight up smashed when she drank, and her #1 favorite hangout spot or activity on a weekend was drinking at a bar. She even flirted with other guys while I was there. Granted this was before we agreed to exclusivity, but still. If she wanted me 100% she never would have done it. I just don't think she was ready for a serious relationship. Neither was I. But like fools we did it anyway. We even "semi" broke up a few times only to "get back together" the same day. She even told me at one point that she felt the relationship was doomed from the start. We had our fun, I fell in love with her (and according to her she fell in love with me), but it couldn't get past all these differences, circumstances, and our individual places in life.

So What Now?

Let me say that I don't hate, resent, or have a bad opinion about women. I love them. Even the ones who have cheated on me in the past have taught me valuable lessons. They are often so right about things that completely pass you up. She was just way more mature than me. Had I been maybe 28 (she's 24) with an established career and on my own, I bet she would have treated me completely differently. But what's done is done. This past week I've spent so much time thinking, getting a hold of her, basically destroying what little respect there was left. And I did it all to myself. Well, it's time to move on.

I have to get my life in order. It's in a sh!thole right now.

The current situation blows. I'm still sick (second time this year I've gone on antibiotics), I can't get a job because I'm still not graduated, I can't get an internship until early next year because it's too late this quarter, and I'm still living with my parents. I'm disgusted at the reality of where my life is right now. I'm in a transitional period in my life and it sucks. But enough complaining, there are good things in this situation. Here's what I'm doing:

1) I've cleaned my bedroom entirely, emptied out my closet and got rid of over half of all my clothes from years ago that I could never wear again. It hasn't been cleaned for years. There was a really good post here (and something my parents have told me time and time again) saying that your environment is a reflection of your internal state of being. If it's messy, you're a messy person and your mind is in shambles. It's true. I spent 3 days moving my main computer up here, buying/putting together a new desk, trying on everything and putting away stuff I would never wear again, and all that. Seems like a small thing, but for me it's been a big deal. It's much easier to keep it clean now and I feel more organized in general. I can actually find stuff now and get my things done without worrying about what's where. My basement is a mess though. That's the next project.

2) I'm starting to get my finances in order. I've sold a few things I didn't need, I'm continuing to sell stuff I don't need, I have a few minor income sources that I'm organizing/following up on, and I'm more careful with my money now. I have a good $3k in credit card debt that I have to pay off.

3) I've been looking for jobs daily. Been to a few interviews, learned some things, updated my portfolio/resume accordingly, but still nothing. Been applying almost everywhere. I hope I get a job somewhere, doing something, soon.

4) I'm taking it easy as far as physical activity. #1 priority is to get well. Nothing else matters as much as this. I'm also paying more attention to my parents. As much as I hate living here and as bad as I want to leave and not take advice from others, I now realize exactly how right they are about everything. I've put my pride aside and I realize I need help. I'm following their advice a lot more.

5) I've given up video games completely. I don't know if I'll ever play them again. Perhaps. It's been an ongoing addiction since I first laid hands on a gameboy and it would more than fill another thread. Some day I might. But right now I have no time or desire for it.

What about women?

As badly as I want to rebound to some other girl or just go on a bang-spree, I can't right now. I can't put up a fake front anymore. I'm tired of fooling people and I'm tired of fooling myself. I'm no longer following the "fake it til you make it" mentality. I'm gonna make it. Then none of this technique crap will matter. The AFC has to die, there's just no other way.

To that end, I'm not actively pursuing other women right now. It's not on my agenda. It's down there with video games. I'm keeping my doors open and if someone (or a few) come into my life during this time, great, but I'm no longer going to fake anything. I'm not giving up and I don't have any negative feelings towards women, it's just that I need to focus on my life and fix it before I can focus on anyone else's.

Now I would like to share a couple funny experiences this week. First off, a cute girl added me on Myspace not more than 3 days after I changed my status to "single". We've been sending a few messages back and forth, but it's nothing but fluff (I sent the first one and it was nothing more than "hey I saw you added me, what's up?"). It's the first time I'm not trying to game anyone. I'm just talking. Fvck it. I don't care if I ever meet her or not, or any other woman right now.

Even funnier was earlier this week when I went to the doctor. There were two cute nurses there (one was an assistant) and the latter was alone with me in the office for a while. We had a good convo going. I looked like sh!t, I was wearing stinky clothes, my nails needed attention bad (not in a gay way, just that they were dirty and needed a trim and her checking them out while checking my pulse sucked), I was coughing all up in her face, my voice sounded like a truck, and I certainly wasn't in the best of moods (depressed about the whole breakup thing), yet she still seemed interested. She started asking questions about my life, she would check me out a few times later on when the doctor was in and she was standing there watching, and when I got up to leave she said "it was nice meeting you".

That felt good. Knowing that you don't really need to try to get a girl interested in you and even when you're not at the top of your game and don't give a crap about impressing women, they'll be interested. It explains the whole thing with the guy who's getting attention from women at the grocery store after he just got out of the gym, is all sweaty, and looks/smells like sh!t. Anyway this is all getting off topic.

And that's where things are right now. I outlined everything I'm doing and I'm focusing on me 100%. If an opportunity arises, I'm not gonna shut a girl down, but I'm not actively looking for them either. I don't feel right feeding anyone anymore lies, myself included.

If you've read all that uhh .. thanks. I know it's a lot. I needed to get some stuff out. Anyway any suggestions, tips, sharing of experiences, whatever, is more than welcome. I'd love to hear some wise words from the more experienced crowd as well as anyone in general. I'll update this journal with whatever I feel is appropriate. Maybe I'll even have some fun experiences with women on this path to getting my sh!t in order.

I read that whole post and I don't know anything about you. Have you gone to college? Where are you from? What kind of job are you qualified for? Get a job and start working out. You need to get your ish staight. What everyone on this board needs to realized that the less emphasis you put on getting women the happier you be. This is for a few reasons:
1) You can take care of the more productive and important aspects of your life.
2) You think about bagging women all the time you're gonna be disappointed when certain girls don't go for you.
3) You give of a more generally confident, unneedy, and non-desperate vibe.

Well I didn't want to give out details that are irrelevant. I'm living in the states, I'm finishing up what should have been a 5 year bachelor's degree, and right now I'm not qualified for any job cause I don't have my degree. Other than maybe an at-will retail one.

As for working out, I'm going to seriously hit the weights again soon as I recover and on a slow clean bulk. I've been meaning to ever since I started easing up on it in January of this year. I'm not in bad shape by any means and I feel I'm a pretty good looking guy. I have that part of my life planned out though as soon as I get off these drugs and feel 100% again. It's everything else that's a problem.

I was just reading the Anti-Don Juan Manifesto which someone bumped from when it was written years ago, and something hit very close to home:

Many people, “Don Juans” included, hide certain aspects of their persona out of fear of being a turn-off and henceforth present a façade, an “agent.” Players call this being a “mystery.” This author contends it is better to reveal oneself, even if in consequence turning off some or most women. It is better to turn women off on a first date than to turn her off five dates later. Time, money, heart is saved. The true composure of the man will eventually be all exposed, better it be sooner than later. This author contends it is better to face up to one’s own flaws or disagreeable aspects than to feign another borne identity. Let it not be mistaken, this author is not advocating doing things to intentionally turn off women, nor unnecessarily revealing facts on the first few dates that for instance if the man is a depressed alcoholic or telling his life story. That is plain stupid. Be genuine. The depressed alcoholic should find happiness in life before dating, because anyone who is not happy being single is not ready for a relationship, which for the depressed alcoholic may require counseling.

Click to expand...

I'm still reading it, but I figured I'd mention it here because I believe it has some very solid information and it's helping me understand some things.

Things are looking up now. A few people here, a random person who did a podcast about me (and another guy ... lol), and a couple lengthy discussions with family helped me to clear my head and straighten things out. After this last one I realize I'm not ready, nor do I really want, a long term relationship. I've been cruising from LTR to LTR ever since I got out of high school and although I've learned a lot, very few things have actually helped get my life in order. In all honesty a lot of the experiences I went through with my girlfriends set me back, financially, emotionally, and otherwise.

I've allowed myself to become conditioned by all the crap about relationships/marriage as goals, finding "the one", fear of the becoming "the old lonely man", etc. All the while girls are out doing their thing, making the most of their fun time. Anyway, what's done is done. I'm soon to be 24 and it's about time to kill that AFC once and for all.

So - fvck it. No more of that LTR-as-goal mentality. Everyone I should have listened to was right. It's just dumb right now. I have dreams and things I want to accomplish and all this time, heart, and money invested in girls who give you sex for a while then leave isn't helping me achieve those goals.

Anyway, I'm still taking antibiotics but I'm almost done. Next week I'm gonna hit the gym again hard. Well, the first two weeks I'll be easing into it since I haven't really lifted consistently for months. I can't wait to hit the gym. Weightlifting has always helped put me in a better mood and cure whatever depression I had. I have some definite goals now too.

School situation kinda sucks. I slacked off, didn't fulfill one of my internships and more importantly failed my last class so now I have to make it all up. I can't take my coop until January and the class isn't offered until Spring quarter. So it'll be June 08 before I get my degree. Til then I'm looking for what work I can get. Been to a few interviews, got another one tomorrow. Hopefully something will come of it. At least I'm learning more about actual interviews. The problem with getting any work now though is the fact that it can't technically be a coop (since it's too late this quarter and too early for the next quarter), but it can't be a full time job either cause I don't have my degree.

I've been working on hiring more people for my internet business that I've been running as a hobby for almost 7 years now. That's looking good and making some money .. if I can only get this PHP developer I'm looking for.

I've made it my mission to finish reading these three books I started long ago but dropped as soon as my ex's panties dropped. 48 Laws of Power, How to Win Friends and Influence People, and The Red Queen. Red Queen is a bore so far but I'm hoping it'll pick up soon.

I'm slowly but surely getting off video games. It's hard cause I've done it for so long but it's pointless and it only slows me down. I was addicted to WoW for the longest time. For the billionth time, my play time expired and I threw away all my CDs. So now it would take over $100 and half a day's work just to play again if I wanted to. That in itself is a good incentive to never look at it again. I still have CS:S that I'm limiting my playtime with (made a pact with myself that I won't touch it or any other games until next Monday). I keep telling myself "real men don't play video games". I'm sure opinions vary greatly about this, but fvck it. For me it's gotta be this way. At least reading [parts of] Sosuave or those books has some benefit.

I'm in the process of completely cleaning and organizing my basement "command center". It's gonna take a week as I haven't organized it completely - ever. I don't spend much time there anymore it's depressing. I've moved my office to my bedroom upstairs with natural sunlight and fresh air and it's been a big help psychologically. Surprisingly cleaning out my room has made it much easier to maintain clean as well.

Now .. for the woman part. I'm doing my damndest not to pursue them. I was on myspace (my unfortunate, self-conditioned #1 way of picking up chicks) the other day and I almost started messaging some local girls before I caught myself and realized I was doing the same thing I was almost a year ago - wasting my time chasing girls rather than doing what I needed to do to become the one that girls chase. I'm proud to say that aside from messaging a few people on my friends list I haven't messaged any new ones.

There was the one girl I mentioned earlier who added me to her friends list and we exchanged a few emails. I haven't been trying to game her at all. In fact most of the messages I sent were kinda lame. Weekend passed, she didn't reply to anything, but I wasn't gonna follow up with another. I sent the last correspondence, if she was interested she'd get back to me. Whaddayaknow, Monday rolls around and she sends me a message. I replied, asked her how her weekend was, told her I was still sick but we could meet after I got off my antibiotics. Right away she goes ok just let me know. She's pretty cute, could be fun for a few times. I'll get her number and maybe meet her next week.

I also followed up with a few others I already knew. One that I went on a single "date" with was a hit. She still wants to hang out. I actually just texted her and didn't expect to talk then and there, but she called me (she's actually a pretty confident chick) not 2 minutes later, we fluffed for a few, and I'm gonna get a hold of her next week after I get better to hang out.

I got on aim last night right before bed just because I haven't been out of the house for a while and I need to talk to people. This one girl who I've "known" but never met for years STILL wants to get together. I don't I'm just not attracted to her (she's not BAD looking and she has a nice body, just doesn't meet my threshold - maybe if I was smashed). So that's that. Nothing really going on. I might meet the two girls next week, but really at this point all of that is secondary.