The only one who loves you is your MOMMA

This is gonna sound like a rant, but it really isn't. Just an observation.

The only one who loves you is your momma. Okay, and maybe your daddy, if you're a good kid.

See, most people (myself included) grow up thinking that they can find "love" in someone outside of their family. They think that their best friend "loves" them. They think that their girlfriend or wife "loves" them. It took me a LOOOOONG time to realize that "love" as i thought I knew it does not exist outside of the family unit.

Since this is a forum about meeting and dating women. Lets focus specifically on women.

In the past I would listen to my girlfriend tell me that she loves me. That made me feel good. Eventually though, the relationship would hit a rough spot and we would break up. That made me feel bad.

So that made me wonder. How could she tell me one day that she LOVES me, then be off banging a coworker the next? Perplexing question!

This happened several times, and eventually after banging my head against the wall for the better part of 30 years I decided to seek help, and I found sosuave. Finally I learned that one must NOT listen to what a woman says, but must watch what a woman DOES to get an accurate picture of what is going on in her head.

That was great and all, but i still had this notion that when a woman was SHOWING me the right things, it was "love". It wasn't until recently, after going through a fairly ugly breakup and getting railroaded by childhood "friends", that I was forced to look at this issue a little deeper.

I was forced to go into a dark corner of human sociology that I doubt many people ever visit. I was beginning to see just HOW selfish (which in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing) people are at their core, and when it comes to the end of the day it's a dog eat dog world.

But it wasn't until I really, REALLY dug deep, all the way to the bottom, that I reached the conclusion that "love" as we think we know it does not exist outside of relationships between people who are linked genetically.

After all, we have a vested interest in ensuring our genes are "taken care of". Children are most important since 50% of a child's genes are derived from a given parent. Families share varying percentages of genes with relatives but other than a direct parent/child relationship, it's all downhill.

Your girlfriend/wife TELLS you that she loves you, and it makes you feel good. She SHOWS you that she "loves" you, and if you are enlightened to the fact that actions are better than words, you "know" that she "loves" you. You feel great.

So why is it that a woman can TELL you she loves you, and even SHOW you she loves you, yet it seems that it takes little more than a slight breeze to make that love go away?

I know I'm not the only one who has experienced this. One day your girl is fighting tooth and nail to keep you from leaving her, the next day the horns come out and she turns into the spawn of satan, accusing you of being a vile, disgusting creature that she can't imagine ANYONE wanting anything to do with.

Why is this? It's because you THOUGHT she loved you, but she didn't.

She was in love with something alright. Actually she was probably in love with MANY things, but it WASN'T you!

First and foremost she was in love with the way you made her FEEL. Make a woman FEEL emotions toward you, and she will "love" you for life.

She was probably also in love with things that you provided for her.

Things like SECURITY. this is HUGE with women. Women are as scared as little children in a dark bedroom on a stormy night. To her, there is no greater feeling of security than to be able to rest her head on a man's shoulder as she sleeps.

She might also have been in love with what you physically provided for her. It could be a roof over her head. Or maybe food. Clothes anyone? lol

Seriously though. A woman never truly "loves" you. If she did, most of the stuff that might make her leave you would be a non-issue.

We toss around the word "love" so carelessly. I don't believe in someone "falling out of love" with another person. If you love them, you love them. women don't fall out of love, they redirect their emotions.

This is getting pretty long and I could go on and on, but I'm interested to read everyone's responses. Gonna have a busy week but I'll try to check back on this.

What do you think?

says you.

"Women do not fall out of love, they redirect their emotions." (or, when they are not being emotionally 'supplied' they find another 'supplier' .)
You paint a doomy gloomy picture Str8. One could start to wonder whether women are all immature, underinvolved ,self seeking, emotional sponges who exploit men to be 'fed' and, if the supply dries up ,they move on ??

Hmmm, sounds about right -

I'm sorry that you've been through a bad stretch, but I have to call b.s. Familial "love" can turn just as easily as any other. I posit this theory: you have yet to find a woman who truly loves you, thus you conclude non-familial love is a mirage. Are you also saying your love for a woman is not real, nor everlasting?

I've loved & lost as well. I am in my mid-30's, and I've been "in love" w/ 2 women.. I am w/ neither right now, but I still believe I truly was "in love" w/ them (I'm not "in love" w/ them still, but I do love them to this day). Get back in the saddle. You'll find your true love if it's meant to be. Meanwhile, as the saying here goes: "spin those plates!"

STR8UP

I could not agree with you more ..in fact today I called my sister ....and told her " all I have is my family " the only ones I can trust ...

Call me a bitter jaded old bastard ..but my family is there and the chicks are long gone

High 5 on the post STR8

:rockon:

Sorry man, that's just not true. My wifey definitely loves me. We went through some really hard times early on, but no matter how much we had to skimp at times (and we did have to skimp for a few years), I got just as much love and support then as I do now, well off. She's never waivered when there were so many times that she could have; and maybe would have even been justified to do so!

As good as my parents were overall (and continue to be), my wife loves me more than anyone in this world.

But I agree with str8up unfortunately because under every relationship there's a certain dynamic going on... an exchange of goods if you will. But we often don't dissect it and look underneath to find out which goods are being exchanged. So often we are attracted to people and things that we don't quite understand. People and things that excite us. People and things that we want to figure out. Underneath it all we all want to benefit from the experience. Love works on the same principle of beauty:

Einstein said:

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."

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But he's not saying that he can't love again. If we were to dissect or already knew every last bit of what goes on, life would suck. There would be no excitement or mystery.

But maybe to say that love doesn't exist is a bit extreme. It does exist. Just like beauty. But it can fade over time.

I think all he's saying as that there's no such thing as unconditional love, and it's true. If the human lifespan were increased 1000 years, I'm sure the magic of love as we all know it would be more easily unraveled, the bounds of marriage tested, just as the mysterious beauty and awe of a new place or thing we've experienced can eventually become dull and boring. And we are eventually drawn to something new. Not that there's anything wrong with it. But the reality is that we are all individuals. Individual means individual.

Woody Allen said:

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.”

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I love this quote.

blueguy said:

I think all he's saying as that there's no such thing as unconditional love, and it's true.

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If that's what he's saying, we don't need Einstein to state the obvious. Of course there's no such thing as unconditional love, nor should there be. Even parents/family don't love you unconditionally (nor should they).

It is possible to void the privaledge of being loved. I can conceieve of any number of horried and terrible things I could do to cause my wife, who genuinely loves me today, to not love me tomorrow. That doesn't mean she doesn't really love me. But of course she can't (and shouldn't) unconditionally love me.

Someone that unconditionally loves is insane.

azanon said:

It is possible to void the privaledge of being loved. I can conceieve of any number of horried and terrible things I could do to cause my wife, who genuinely loves me today, to not love me tomorrow. That doesn't mean she doesn't really love me. But of course she can't (and shouldn't) unconditionally love me.

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Yes, but what he is saying is more under the lines of a bunch of small, unintentional things added up can equal "falling out of love" rather than one big intentional horrid act. Granted, when you have a marriage, for most people the large number of points gained from marriage often keeps those small things from adding up to a divorce. Married people are more likely to "work on the relationship" for the sake of the relationship. Still, the check in that case is marriage itself.

azanon said:

Someone that unconditionally loves is insane.

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So when two people say they love each other, or love each other “unconditionally” then, according to the DSM 4R they are suffering from folie á deux: or, more correctly: 297.3 Shared Psychotic Disorder, a shared delusion.

I do have to ask if a shared delusion such as this is any less “real” if the two believe it strongly. Is not belief reality? Is love rational?

Actually, that's a bit of insight for str8up. If you are looking for longer-lasting relationships (even as azanon pointed out, relationships that suck for awhile but still last ), then maybe offering a girl more benefits to fall in love with - well, marriage itself - will just do the trick. Why? Because marriage is a status symbol. It makes her more accepted by her friends, family, etc. (if she lives in an area where marriage is majority) and makes her feel more accomplished and less of a failure. It makes her feel secure.

A lot of girls will do a whole lot to avoid the inevitable divorce for fear of the negative social implications (although this is becoming less of the case in today's society than in past).

grinder said:

I do have to ask if a shared delusion such as this is any less “real” if the two believe it strongly. Is not belief reality? Is love rational?

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I don't dispute this. Of the 4 blogs Ive written so far on my myspace page, one blog I wrote specifically identifies this phenemenon or, dare i say, truth. I have it set to private only at the moment though.

blueguy said:

Yes, but what he is saying is more under the lines of a bunch of small, unintentional things added up can equal "falling out of love" rather than one big intentional horrid act. Granted, when you have a marriage, for most people the large number of points gained from marriage often keeps those small things from adding up to a divorce. Married people are more likely to "work on the relationship" for the sake of the relationship. Still, the check in that case is marriage itself.

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True, true. Marriage does take work, contribution, and effort on both parts to keep the fires going. But this supports my main point; that love isn't and shouldn't be unconditional.

It's too easy these days to confuse "attraction" or "companionship" with real LOVE. Love is a powerful word that's often abused by people who seek it in places outside themselves. Love is an act of giving, not receiving. Once you learn to love yourself, and realize the connection you share with every person on this planet, you no longer NEED love from other people. You have enough for yourself and then some to invest in others.

Not saying I've reached this level, but I've seen it.

im back (just for today though)

on to my reply...

str8up, you are 100% right and you are 100% wrong.

life use to be HARD. really hard!

there was no day care, no microwaves of electric stoves, no tractors or cars, no easily accessible doctors, no welfare, no schooling available to the masses, etc.

and as hard as life was, getting through it alone was even harder! theres simply not enough time in the day to clean the house, work the fields, cook the meals, etc. all by yourself.

people NEEDED each other - desperately.

as a result people took courtship and bonds of marriage VERY VERY seriously. it was probably considered the MOST important event in a persons life - not just emotionally or spiritually, but in terms of survival!

today anyone can make it through life on their own. people dont NEED love anymore. even with families, there are TONS of parents who don't love their children in the real sense of the word.

in the old days women use to 'stand by their man', today they spend most of their time acting like spoiled brats always complaining about one thing or another.

why? because they have it to easy. life isn't hard enough. when life is too easy human beings become lazy, self centered, spoiled, narcissistic, etc.

when a man married a woman he use to get a partner in life, one who took care of the house and children and who always stood by his side through lifes difficulties.

today very few women possess those traits. women have abadoned the 'stand by your man' attitude and it has now become 'so what do you have to offer me that Jim, Frank or Billy don't have to offer?"

the result is that most men are getting married, i believe, primarily for regular sex.

men use to fall in love with a woman - she was the center of their world. their best supporter, the mother to their children, etc. Today many men, i believe, simply see their wives as a live in wh*re - a means to regularly sex with minimal effort.

and yes, this is all covered over by layers of acting, supported by holidays such as christmas, valentines day, etc. - all meant to put a shiny coat of paint on an otherwise rusting institution. under that paint marriage is no longer a union of true trust and commitment and appreciation, but rather one of mutual parasitic behaviors.

marriage is no longer about GIVING to your spouse, but mostly about each partner TAKING from the other whatever they can get out of them.

which is why the divorce rate is through the roof. and why so many couples are so unhappy in marriage.

so anyway, love exists, but the only reason its dying year by year is because people are letting it and because life is no longer hard enough that people appreciate their significant other.

we are living in the era of individuality - which is NOT conducive to love.

there is no question in my mind that we are living in the most self centered era of the human race.

which is also why i've said many times that finding 'the one' is totally in fates hands. there are no longer any real motivators for people to 'fall in love' anymore and so for that to happen it really comes down to extremely high levels of compatibility between two people.

oh one other thing....

mothers dont love their kids for unselfish reasons. they love their kids because they created them. its still a love based on circumstance.

unfortunately there has only been a handful of people in the world who one could argue truly loved regardless of circumstance - jesus and gandhi come to mind. gandhi would love you probably as much or more than your mother!

this is what is so tough about life. life is not some sappy romantic comedy where its all sh*ts and gigglez.

every living thing on this planet is alone. all associations it has with other living things can be taken away.

which is why i say, its utterly pointless spending any time hoping or wishing that others would love you.

instead become love. be the one who loves others, even if they spit back in your face. if you become unconditional love, peopel will then love you.

think of gandhi. because he loved others unconditionally they loved him back unconditionally.

but it takes a VERY strong man to be loving to others when others would not do the same without having reason to first.

the world today encourages narcissism, pettiness, greed, lust, etc. - NOT LOVE. so it takes a wise and strong man to be loving in a world that spurs love.

joekerr31 said:

instead become love. be the one who loves others, even if they spit back in your face. if you become unconditional love, peopel will then love you.

think of gandhi. because he loved others unconditionally they loved him back unconditionally.

but it takes a VERY strong man to be loving to others when others would not do the same without having reason to first.

the world today encourages narcissism, pettiness, greed, lust, etc. - NOT LOVE. so it takes a wise and strong man to be loving in a world that spurs love.

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I strongly disagree with this, all due respect. "Turning the other cheek" is weakness, in my book, and a losing proposition. I don't think its DJ either.

There's no more sure way to disrespect yourself than to allow others to disrespect you, unabated. I can't think of anything more AFC than to forgive those that clearly demonstrate they don't deserve it unless serious repentence, remourse, and respect is shown following said disrespect.

azanon said:

I strongly disagree with this, all due respect. "Turning the other cheek" is weakness, in my book, and a losing proposition. I don't think its DJ either.

There's no more sure way to disrespect yourself than to allow others to disrespect you, unabated. I can't think of anything more AFC than to forgive those that clearly demonstrate they don't deserve it unless serious repentence, remourse, and respect is shown following said disrespect.

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being loving doesn't mean being a doormat. nor does it mean letting people sc*w you over.

it means being what you wish others were. if you wish peopel were more trust worthy, honest, caring, etc. - then you be that first.

being loving means loving yourself also - and letting someone abuse you in any way isn't being loving to yourself.

Metro3pilot said:

STR8UP

I could not agree with you more ..in fact today I called my sister ....and told her " all I have is my family " the only ones I can trust ...

Call me a bitter jaded old bastard ..but my family is there and the chicks are long gone

High 5 on the post STR8

:rockon:

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Gosh! I said the same, the very same thing to my sister about a week ago!! (and ofcourse i cried.. cuz i just got too emo, about some long past).. I'm not really scared of crying in front of my mom or sister.

I have been going through a LOT of problems over the past year or so. I won't go into detail, but lets just say that I HOPE this is going to be the worst stretch of my life and that things will get better from here on out.
I'm dealing with some crazy sh!t right now, and there have been a few times when I was sitting at home and needed someone to talk to. On every occasion I would grab my phone and go through my contacts looking for SOMEONE I could call that would really care what I have to say, and every time the only one that jumped off the screen was my parents.
I have numbers for good friends, chicks I have dated in the past, business contacts, you name it. But when I asked myself if any of them really cared, the answer was "no". Not to say that I blame them......until I started going through a rough stretch I took everything for granted myself, and I was as guilty as the next guy of not really giving a sh!t about anything but my own issues.
It's one of those things that isn't good or bad, it just IS. It's just a fact of life.
People are selfish. I know this. It just wasn't until recently that I realized that just like many other things, the concept of "love" that I had been brainwashed with throughout my entire life is an illusion. Maybe not exactly an illusion, but it isn't like what you see in the movies. It's nothing more that a psychological and physical feeling that is subject to many outside forces over which we often times have little control.
To me, romantic "love" falls into the same category as religion. It isn't something that can be proven. it is subjective. It is open to interpretation. that's why I HATE it when a woman asks me if I have ever been in love. If I say "no", chances are good that I would not be giving her an accurate answer based upon HER idea of what love is.
Joekerr brought up some interesting points. What he is saying is correct, however, it doesn't change the fact that "love" is not and never was what most people make it out to be. Yes, people used to have to rely on each other much more. That just goes to support what I am saying. "Love" serves a practical biological function. It isn't a magical, mystical thing that falls from the sky to bring you happiness when you deserve to be happy.
I would venture to say that people today probably "fall in love" even more than they did hundreds or years ago. But now it so much easier to "fall OUT of love" due to the fact that people don't have to rely on each other. This makes it seem as if it isn't as easy to find true love, when actually it's nothing more than the fact that the biological need for love is resting on a shaky foundation.
My mom knows about most of the stuff that has happened in my life recently. I told her how I caught my ex g/f cheating on me, how more than one so called "friend" screwed me over, and how pretty much anything that can go wrong for me lately HAS.
When I see her I know that she feels genuine compassion for me. i know that if I need ANYTHING, she would do everything in her power to help me.
That is in sharp contrast to my relationships with people outside my family. So called "friends" screwing me over, girlfriends dissing me to chase something that isn't even there.