99% sure gf is cheating

It seems to be Sad Story Month on sosuave. Here's mine.

My LTR turned LDR for the summer when she took an internship in the city, about five hours' drive away. I went to see her a couple times, and it went horribly. I was no fun, b!tched about everything, she said I reminded her of her dad on every family vacation. She lives in the ghetto and loves it, but it freaks me out. Also, I'm an idiot about remembering stuff and forgot to call her on her birthday; she was less than pleased. I later told her I was not being myself and apologized, as I felt her slipping away. This girl was all over me for 8 months, talking about getting married and sh!t, calling and texting me non-stop, constant sex. Now, she told me in late June, "I need space. We have grown apart. I just need time to be alone." I was actually asking to come and see her again on the 4th, but she outright said no. This happened once before when we broke up, and I backed off, and we ended up back together after a couple of weeks apart. But now she has stopped answering the phone when I call or returning messages or texts. I left her two voicemails last week, and have not heard from her since about a week ago. We talked then for 45 minutes, and everything seemed great. "There's no one else, I love you, etc."

When we broke up five months ago, another guy left a message on her facebook saying it was hot that she was single and asking her out. In the description of him in their friends it says, "they hooked up and it was amazing." Last month, she changed her myspace profile to private. I found his, which is private as well, and I can tell that she has posted on his profile, although not when or what. He is about 30 minutes from where she lives. Also, she's hardly ever on myspace the past few days, which is what she's like when she and I are together. If her interpersonal needs get met, she's not that interested in myspace.

The consensus wisdom answer is to forget the girl and find another. But then if I'm wrong about her cheating, I become the one cheating. She might actually not be, has never cheated before on previous LTRs (she says), and talks down about her friends who can't be single and always have to have a man. She does have a gf in town at the moment and could be spending a lot of time with her. I can't confront her if she won't answer the phone. She gave me a key to her apartment before she left, and I have a big tv over there that I am going to take back if she is cheating. But I would at least like to talk to her before I start moving stuff.

She will be back in the middle of next month. Is she trying to keep me on the shelf by not admitting cheating? Is the guilt just too much? If I played it cool, I could probably be fvcking her again when school starts back, but if she's a cheater then there's no point in wasting time on her. I want to know, but accusations are just going to backfire. Do I just sit here while she ignores me? Is there any point to even trying to find out if she's cheating? Do I go get my tv?

Clamp down on these women. Don't allow them to use these social networking sites. Don't allow them to speak to guys. The last serious girlfriend I had I had her come work for me. I knew where she was at all times. I payed for her phone. This way I saw who called her. If she had wanted to see my phone bill? Tough. No way. I wasn't cheating on her but she knew who Big Daddy was.

You broke every rule in the book with this woman.

Obey the 1% solution. If it is good enough for the USA gov't. it is good enough for you. It is simple. If there is a 1% chance that she is cheating on you - dump her a**. Don't be played. As far as I am concerned, if she has a social networking page she is cheating. If she loved you she would only think of you. She should be baking you cookies or writing cute little letters to you instead of chatting up with old friends. My girlfriend would scrapbook our relationship. She spent hours trying to figure out if she should cut or paste.

She's always had guys hitting on her through myspace for as long as we've been together. Her interest level in me used to be so high that it did not matter. Now I'm a drag instead of being fun, the borefriend back home. I really try to not be the jealous type, or at least show jealousy, it's not productive. But I concede you are right that I broke plenty of rules.

Bible_Belt said:

Now, she told me in late June, "I need space. We have grown apart. I just need time to be alone." I was actually asking to come and see her again on the 4th, but she outright said no.

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Sounds like you guys are no longer in a relationship, by all practical measures, and therefore, she can't be considered cheating if she IS f*cking someone else. There's plenty of room in this very ambiguous situation for her to be doing just that. If she is, well, we know why she needs "space"...so she can get it from Mr. New...

Sorry to be so blunt, but that's how it seems to me...

No, I don't disagree.

I keep clinging to the possibility of her not having cheated. Hope is ugly sometimes. When we broke up before, I thought she might be cheating and she wasn't, but this time is worse. I have been here before, my ex-wife cheated a bunch toward the end. The current gf knows that, and has always ranted on and on about how she has never done that to anyone, she would never do that to me. Next I am going to start thinking that women lie, lol.

I don't know how to handle this in a way that does not lead into me outright accusing her. If it's true, she'll lie if she wants, and if it's not, then I just fvcked the relationship up even more.

women are like monkeys

Remember she is not "cheating on you" if she FEEL you and HER are nolonger together. She is now free to fuck anyone she pleases... it yours to determine if you'd like for her to treat you that way.

Bible_Belt said:

I don't know how to handle this in a way that does not lead into me outright accusing her. If it's true, she'll lie if she wants, and if it's not, then I just fvcked the relationship up even more.

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Don't accuse her. You're right that is exactly the way it will go.

Here are your options:

1. Trust her and forget about all of the signs. (AFC)

2. Cheat on her to get revenge (this will just prove to yourself that you are emotionally immature)

3. Start an open discussion about your relationship problems. (read the DJB articles about maintaining LTR's)

4. You have no proof except for your instinct if you feel that you have had enough of her then dump her (how hard is this?)

Do what's right for YOU.

I was thinking about systematically fvcking all of her friends over the next year, but then again I am not that emotionally mature at times.

She won't discuss anything like an adult. I can't stand dumping her if I don't know for sure. But thanks for the advice not to accuse her; I won't.

You wrote " She won't discuss anything like an adult." Huh!
Why do you want to continue obsessing about her if she won't deal ?
So you are trying to be in an adult relationship with someone who won't adopt an adult communication style. How is that ever gonna work ?
THis relationship of yours is either OVER or in very serious trouble.
Quit trying to analyse her intentions and her thoughts. She is a woman. Her thought/feelings/ intentions swirl like a stiff breeze..But YOu are a man and your thoughts/feelings are more stable and better regulated.
AS hard as it is , look away from her for a week or two. Part of the reason that women behave like this is that they KNOW that you are always going to be AVAILABLE when they call.
Become not available for a while. Flush her out. She will sense your retreat and she will come forward to close the emotional gap. Stay distant but ready to talk IF she initiates it. And only have a "talk " if she sets it up.
Hit the gym, go walk on the beach and check the bikinis (that works for me )
Enrol in Dance lessons - dance studios are stampeded by women.
Do you OWN life separately and your mind will calm.

So you are trying to be in an adult relationship with someone who won't adopt an adult communication style. How is that ever gonna work ?

...Become not available for a while...


I got the same advice from someone with a Master's in Counseling. I guess I will try to forget about her and go get my tv in a month right before she gets back.

oh man oh man. bible, after all the recent posts you should know the answers to the questions you are asking.

ill lay it out for you though....

1) you are the woman in this relationship now. which means you are f*cked. even if you marry this chic and things are fine for 10 years, one day she's going to decide she wants to bust your balls and remember these times and then will. the only difference is that in 10 years you'll be giving her half of everything you own for the privilege.

2) your relationships is OVER the moment your girl refuses to talk to you. its OVER OVER OVER. it couldn't be more dead if you shot it in the head with a panzer tank. she officially wears the pants from here on in and you are her b*tch - its OVER.

3) my general rule is that if i THINk a woman is cheating, if my gut is telling me that she is, then i act on that instinct. If she wasn't, oh well, she should have done a better job of not making me suspect that she was. I'M THE PRIZE - not her! SHE has to qualify being with me, not the other way around.

4) would you accept this kind of behavior from a male friend? if you wouldn't accept it from a male friend why in the hell would you accept it from a woman?!!! i'll tell ya why, cuz you're p*ssy whipped. when you pour yourself a cup of coffee in the morning and you find a turd floating in the coffee pot and your gf comes in and says "hey honey, how do you like my turd?" you're smiling and saying "its great honey. thanks for taking a sh*t in my coffee. i wuh-wuh-wuh-whuuuoooooooove you."

5) do not bother trying to figure out if she is cheating. are you ever going to get a straight answer to that? a cheater isn't goign to tell you they are cheating. i'm always shocked and stunned by the amount of guys hwo go 'i asked her if she was cheating and she said no, i believe her." WTF. hey, maybe she isn't cheating, but her saying she isn't is not a reason to believe she isn't.

6) even if a woman isn't cheating, if y ou suspect that she is, then i guarantee you that she's about to.


anyway, you've tried to communicate with her and she wont even answer your calls. the next thing that will happen is that she will tell you that its over because of YOU. meanwhile she'll have already set up a new guy and will move on to a new life.

now what should you do? if it were me i'd accept that the relationship was as broken as a relationship can get. in fact, i'd consider it dead.

i would not confront her on anything. i would not seek closure - id get closure on my own by trusting my instincts and believing 100% that wlaking away was the right thing to do.

i might, just for fun, randomly show up at her place one evening (just in hopes that i'd catch some guy there and show her up as a bold faced liar). even if there was a guy there, i wouldn't talkt o her or him. i'd just go in, get my tv and leave.

don't even tell her you are through. the more you communicate with her at this point the bigger the chump you look like. she as OUTRIGHT disrespected you over and over - there's no common ground anymore.

so i'd just go, get your tv, and leave.

if she tries to talk to you, just tell her you have no interest in talking to her. if she says 'so thats it? we're done." just say "I don't know how much clearer i can be. i DONT want to talk to you. i just want my tv so i can get out of here."

take CONTROL of this situation. and the only way to do that is to walk the f*ck away from it.

there is no winning in a LOSE LOSE scenario. if you want to keep your balls you gotta walk.

Consider it dead.

ok.

The tv is in her empty apartment in my town. She is away for another month. I can let it sit there until shortly before she gets back.

It is good advice to not try and seek closure. If she is cheating, she would probably even prefer that I be doing so as well.

well lets put it like this.

lets say, for arguments sake, that she isn't cheating.

and lets say that you cut off all contact with her. you dont call her. you dont answer her calls. etc.

whats going to happen is that when she starts to FEEL like she needs a man again, and feels that that man is you? she's going to come begging you to forgive her for the way she behaved.

if she is cheating, or thinking of cheating, or thinking of dumping you then great - you got out of the way of that mac truck just in time. its easy to cope and deal with these scenerios when you took action. not sure why, but you heal much quicker if you at least stood up for yourself a bit. so many guys beg until their last breath, and then find themselves alone - and what hurts the most is not losing the woman, but having lost their pride.

if you have access to that apartment id go get your tv tomorrow. start the process of cutting loose.

the thing with this scenario is that there is no way around the fact that she has utterly disrespected you. that alone, to me, is reason to walk, even after 2 years.

Bible, **** happens. Life throws **** at us and all you can do is take it like a man. It's too bad that your relationship didn't survive but hell, relationship-wise, the only way to go now is up so get out there.

bigappledj said:

Clamp down on these women. Don't allow them to use these social networking sites. Don't allow them to speak to guys. The last serious girlfriend I had I had her come work for me. I knew where she was at all times. I payed for her phone. This way I saw who called her. If she had wanted to see my phone bill? Tough. No way. I wasn't cheating on her but she knew who Big Daddy was.

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No offense man but you need to loosen up a bit.

she was on myspace and facebook while you were together. that's a sign she isn't ready to commit, despite what she told you.

one last thing. the ONLY thing that keeps you or any other man in a bad relationship is the fear of being alone.

conquor that fear and knowing what to do becomes much much simplier.

Let me reply before I read the other replies.

I would say that your behavior toward her (the whinning, clinginess, etc) was unacceptable. Who wants to be with a man that when it is time to have fun...he reverts into whining? Work on that...do it for future relationships.

Now, I would avoid like the plague ANY woman that has the MySpace or any other online community network. That is, I would no go into a serious relationship with one. I don't have time for women that has nothing better to do other than been on her azz in MySpace.

Now a woman that LOVES the gettho is a woman that has zero aspiration.

That said...stop 100% communication with her. If you continue contacting her...what would you do is to push her away. You will disgust her.

And, does it matter if she is cheating or not? What truly matters is that you have serious doubts about her character...that she has no aspiration...and that she is meeting new men on the internet.

Go pick up your tv.

EDIT: joekerr gave you some great advice.

You threw in the "99", I'll give you the last "1" and we'll call it a day, whaddya think?

After what i went through with my ex g/f, I will never again let a relationship continue after my gut tells me I need to dump her ass.

One thing I learned is that it doesn't matter at this point if she's cheating on you or not. Maybe she has an "intimacy surrogate". Maybe this guy wants her real bad but she is just using him to get something she feels she is missing with you, and they aren't even having sex. Whatever it is, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

I would guess that she is cheating, but it's beside the point. Once her interest level has tanked (usually because of another guy in a case like this) there isn't a damn thing you can do to get it back. Don't even try, Cut your losses and move on.

ItWasntMe said:

Bible, **** happens. Life throws **** at us and all you can do is take it like a man. It's too bad that your relationship didn't survive but hell, relationship-wise, the only way to go now is up so get out there.




No offense man but you need to loosen up a bit.

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There is nothing worse than seeing a good man played over by some two bit tramp. The only thing worse is seeing that man run back for even more abuse. It all begins with who you select. 98% of the time you have lost before you have even begun! Lets not kid ourselves. If she is 25 and single there is a reason behind it. The best ones get taken before then. You simply adopt some other man's former problem. This tramp will now go on to ruin some other man's life. It won't end. One day she will marry and what do you think will happen?

persistent exaction said:

she was on myspace and facebook while you were together. that's a sign she isn't ready to commit, despite what she told you.

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Eh, I wouldn't go that far. My ex-girl SPECIFICALLY wrote on her MySpace(dedicated a whole paragraph on it) how she couldn't wait to live with me and how any guys trying to pick her up could "FORGET ABOUT IT!" in her exact words. In my opinion, most women on MySpace who are in relationships are only on it for nothing other than attention wh*ring purposes, so they could get validation that they're "wanted" by guys, not because they're "looking" for other guys.