I’ve been on this board a while and I’ve found many of the problems posted are due to a lack of options with women, of focusing too much on any one woman, and of getting stuck with low quality women.
I seem to be giving the same advice over and over: “Go find more/better women.” The inevitable follow-up question is: how?
So I have written in as much detail as I can about exactly how I do it.
Assumptions:
1) The number of good women out there is very small.
2) There is no “one” out there, just a few good ones and mostly not so good ones.
3) You must approach a lot of women to find some good ones.
Metaphors:
You are the prospector looking for a few nuggets of gold in a mountain of rocks.
You are the master sorter, picker and chooser of women.
You are an explorer and each woman you engage represents a gateway into other worlds.
Steps:
These are my unique steps done my way. I have stolen ideas from many, practiced, and then developed my own method. I have found my way and I will not naively claim it is the only way or the best way.
My ultimate goal is nothing more than generating an ongoing source of women who show interest in me from which I can develop a relationship further.
So see this path as just one of many. Ultimately you will develop your own way.
Once a week I travel to several smaller cities and hit the malls and approach a lot of women. I will set aside other times to approach too when home, but my preference is not to approach close to home. I use variations of the below in banks, grocery stores, getting gas, standing in line, and almost anywhere some activity is taking place. I only approach women who are alone and I do not do street approaches.
1) I dress casually but nice. Wear a nice shirt, good shoes and pants. No tie. From experience and feedback from others I know what looks best on me and I follow their advice.
2) I always carry a small leather bound “At a Glance” address book/calendar in my back pocket. I want the thing I hand to a woman to write on to show some class. I have a good quality pen in my shirt pocket.
3) I hit the stores, walk deliberately, casually, and yes, I have practiced this, it is important. I am looking for women, but I am looking very very closely at situations that can allow me to start a conversation.
4) The convo starter must absolutely be topical, casual, and not pressed. I pay very close attention to what they are wearing, what they are shopping for (or doing) and what they are saying. Anything can be your convo starter. [she drops her keys, she shrugs, she sighs, she laughs, you ask for her advice on shopping, or your shopping for the same thing].
5) Unless you pay attention to details you will have no material to work with. Pay attention, make mental notes, and do it fast. But, you must be discrete; you will look like a creep if not. So I will change my position, look at some other items, and move around. If this seems contrived or insincere then stop reading now because it is.
6) Never rely on them to start the convo, you must do it. You’ve heard the 3 second rule, the truth is, you have less than a second or it’s awkward. This is called the opener. It does not have to be funny, ****y or clever. That’s not the purpose. The opener is literally you jumping across a wide ravine to get a foothold on the other side; a confident leap of faith.
7) The purpose of the opener is to screen them for initial interest. It’s likely they noticed you early on and within a few seconds they have already decided if they are interested in you. Even this early on if they show no interest, won’t make eye contact, seem in a hurry or make an excuse to go then don’t waste your time going to the next step.
8) Next is the transition. Your opener is topical, natural, and fits the situation perfectly, so flow with it and expand it. This is where you show your personality, some wit, some humor. Again, YOU are judging her, not the other way around. This is where only through much practice and experience can you learn to read her, whether she is showing those all important IOI’s. Personally, I want to know if I can get them to smile or laugh. This rarely lasts more than 5 mins. 10 if she talks a lot. The longer you talk the greater your risk of screwing it up at this early stage. Again, if you don’t get those IOI’s, then bail, don’t waste your valuable time and energy. Don’t go to the next step, go to the next girl.
9) Next is the “official” introduction. I say “Oh, I haven’t introduced myself, I’m Grinder” and I will shake their hand. This does four things, it seals the interaction, it introduces touch, personalizes it, and prepares them for the next step that is less than a minute away.
Important Note:
There is absolutely no reason on earth that the above steps cannot be practiced by any man, married or not, dating or not, and in many situations. You’ve done nothing but start a conversation with a woman. The ability to do this, to charm a stranger, is one of the most powerful interpersonal skills any person can develop and translates to many other areas of life. Plus, you are going to suck at approaching until you practice a LOT.
10) The number close. If you’ve done it right, read her correctly, this is no longer a cold approach. It’s now warm. I do nothing original with the close, I copy David De Angelo’s close and I quote below verbatim what he says…. “I'll often say something like ‘Well, it was nice meeting you. I have to get going now….’
They usually don't know what to do, as they're used to guys clinging to them. Most of the time, they say ‘It was nice meeting you too...’ Then, just as I'm turning to walk away, and we kind of disconnect, I turn back and say ‘HEY! Do you have email?’
The ‘HEY!’ is a bit surprising, and ‘Do you have email’ is non-threatening. In fact, I'm technically asking her if she HAS email, not if she'll GIVE IT TO ME.
If she says ‘yes,’ I take out my address book and pen and say ‘Great, write it down for me’ and I have her write it down. (This is great, as I just treat the 'yes' that they give me as a yes to get it from them as well. And they've almost ALL gone along with it so far) Then AS SHE'S IN THE MIDDLE OF WRITING, I say ‘Write your number down there too.’
When you ask for email, it's very low risk for a woman, so she'll think ‘Fine, I'll do that.’ Most women will give out an email address without thinking about it, because they know that they can choose later to just not answer.
The magic of asking them to write their phone number down WHILE they're in the middle of writing down their email is all about the psychology of human behavior.
She's already mentally said ‘OK, I'll give you my email address’... and she's in the middle of writing it down. When you say ‘And just write your number down there too’ it's only NATURAL to just write it.
In other words, it's a MUCH smaller step than giving out the phone number all by itself. It took me a LONG time to figure out this simple move, but it works like magic! You will have women writing their phone numbers down without even thinking twice.” END David D’s quote.
I have learned to only introduce myself later, after I see the interest, and then very soon after this I go into the “I have to get going…” line. This creates a tension, a push-pull that is effective in ramping up their interest and sense of loss.
The biggest mistake I made early on was I was so happy to get the number I hung around too long. I did not GO!
It is critical that you raise interest and get the hell out of there leaving them wanting more, wanting to hear from you very soon.
11) I will call or email them the next day and set up a lunch or coffee within the same week. It makes no sense to me to wait X number of days to do this. I assume I have made a great impression on them and I don’t want that feeling to fade. Just don’t do it the same day.
So, in summary, the steps are a) the opener, b) the transition, c) the introduction, d) the number close and e) the follow up.
My stats vary widely from week to week but on any one of these days I will approach 20 women, open a minimum of 10 of them, get to transition and introduction on maybe 7, and get digits from 3 to 5. It’s very unpredictable and it does not seem to matter whether I’m having an “on” day or not. I do this a lot and I have found they either like me or not and sometimes it seems I have little control over this.
What you see is I approach a lot of women but screen out a large percentage. Of those I go for the number close on I get a high percentage of digits. My flake factor is low and I think this is due to the screening process.
Also, I cannot remember a single instance where I “converted” a seemingly uninterested woman to an actual lunch or coffee get together. I have gotten their number because most women will actually give out their number: but if the interest is not there, it will never be there. Don’t waste your time on a disinterested woman.
Approaching does not require talent or special gifts. It is a skill. A skill that is learned the same as any skill, you practice and study.
Like any skill you can break it down in pieces. Start with just openers. Get comfortable with that then go to transitions, then so on and so on……Get it?
Like any skill that is new to you it is uncomfortable at first, and then it gets easier. Later you wonder how you ever thought it was hard. Remember as a kid how hard driving a car seemed?
Women are out there; everywhere you go, anytime you go. All you have to do is take that first step and talk to them.
Happy Approaching.
I seem to be giving the same advice over and over: “Go find more/better women.” The inevitable follow-up question is: how?
So I have written in as much detail as I can about exactly how I do it.
Assumptions:
1) The number of good women out there is very small.
2) There is no “one” out there, just a few good ones and mostly not so good ones.
3) You must approach a lot of women to find some good ones.
Metaphors:
You are the prospector looking for a few nuggets of gold in a mountain of rocks.
You are the master sorter, picker and chooser of women.
You are an explorer and each woman you engage represents a gateway into other worlds.
Steps:
These are my unique steps done my way. I have stolen ideas from many, practiced, and then developed my own method. I have found my way and I will not naively claim it is the only way or the best way.
My ultimate goal is nothing more than generating an ongoing source of women who show interest in me from which I can develop a relationship further.
So see this path as just one of many. Ultimately you will develop your own way.
Once a week I travel to several smaller cities and hit the malls and approach a lot of women. I will set aside other times to approach too when home, but my preference is not to approach close to home. I use variations of the below in banks, grocery stores, getting gas, standing in line, and almost anywhere some activity is taking place. I only approach women who are alone and I do not do street approaches.
1) I dress casually but nice. Wear a nice shirt, good shoes and pants. No tie. From experience and feedback from others I know what looks best on me and I follow their advice.
2) I always carry a small leather bound “At a Glance” address book/calendar in my back pocket. I want the thing I hand to a woman to write on to show some class. I have a good quality pen in my shirt pocket.
3) I hit the stores, walk deliberately, casually, and yes, I have practiced this, it is important. I am looking for women, but I am looking very very closely at situations that can allow me to start a conversation.
4) The convo starter must absolutely be topical, casual, and not pressed. I pay very close attention to what they are wearing, what they are shopping for (or doing) and what they are saying. Anything can be your convo starter. [she drops her keys, she shrugs, she sighs, she laughs, you ask for her advice on shopping, or your shopping for the same thing].
5) Unless you pay attention to details you will have no material to work with. Pay attention, make mental notes, and do it fast. But, you must be discrete; you will look like a creep if not. So I will change my position, look at some other items, and move around. If this seems contrived or insincere then stop reading now because it is.
6) Never rely on them to start the convo, you must do it. You’ve heard the 3 second rule, the truth is, you have less than a second or it’s awkward. This is called the opener. It does not have to be funny, ****y or clever. That’s not the purpose. The opener is literally you jumping across a wide ravine to get a foothold on the other side; a confident leap of faith.
7) The purpose of the opener is to screen them for initial interest. It’s likely they noticed you early on and within a few seconds they have already decided if they are interested in you. Even this early on if they show no interest, won’t make eye contact, seem in a hurry or make an excuse to go then don’t waste your time going to the next step.
8) Next is the transition. Your opener is topical, natural, and fits the situation perfectly, so flow with it and expand it. This is where you show your personality, some wit, some humor. Again, YOU are judging her, not the other way around. This is where only through much practice and experience can you learn to read her, whether she is showing those all important IOI’s. Personally, I want to know if I can get them to smile or laugh. This rarely lasts more than 5 mins. 10 if she talks a lot. The longer you talk the greater your risk of screwing it up at this early stage. Again, if you don’t get those IOI’s, then bail, don’t waste your valuable time and energy. Don’t go to the next step, go to the next girl.
9) Next is the “official” introduction. I say “Oh, I haven’t introduced myself, I’m Grinder” and I will shake their hand. This does four things, it seals the interaction, it introduces touch, personalizes it, and prepares them for the next step that is less than a minute away.
Important Note:
There is absolutely no reason on earth that the above steps cannot be practiced by any man, married or not, dating or not, and in many situations. You’ve done nothing but start a conversation with a woman. The ability to do this, to charm a stranger, is one of the most powerful interpersonal skills any person can develop and translates to many other areas of life. Plus, you are going to suck at approaching until you practice a LOT.
10) The number close. If you’ve done it right, read her correctly, this is no longer a cold approach. It’s now warm. I do nothing original with the close, I copy David De Angelo’s close and I quote below verbatim what he says…. “I'll often say something like ‘Well, it was nice meeting you. I have to get going now….’
They usually don't know what to do, as they're used to guys clinging to them. Most of the time, they say ‘It was nice meeting you too...’ Then, just as I'm turning to walk away, and we kind of disconnect, I turn back and say ‘HEY! Do you have email?’
The ‘HEY!’ is a bit surprising, and ‘Do you have email’ is non-threatening. In fact, I'm technically asking her if she HAS email, not if she'll GIVE IT TO ME.
If she says ‘yes,’ I take out my address book and pen and say ‘Great, write it down for me’ and I have her write it down. (This is great, as I just treat the 'yes' that they give me as a yes to get it from them as well. And they've almost ALL gone along with it so far) Then AS SHE'S IN THE MIDDLE OF WRITING, I say ‘Write your number down there too.’
When you ask for email, it's very low risk for a woman, so she'll think ‘Fine, I'll do that.’ Most women will give out an email address without thinking about it, because they know that they can choose later to just not answer.
The magic of asking them to write their phone number down WHILE they're in the middle of writing down their email is all about the psychology of human behavior.
She's already mentally said ‘OK, I'll give you my email address’... and she's in the middle of writing it down. When you say ‘And just write your number down there too’ it's only NATURAL to just write it.
In other words, it's a MUCH smaller step than giving out the phone number all by itself. It took me a LONG time to figure out this simple move, but it works like magic! You will have women writing their phone numbers down without even thinking twice.” END David D’s quote.
I have learned to only introduce myself later, after I see the interest, and then very soon after this I go into the “I have to get going…” line. This creates a tension, a push-pull that is effective in ramping up their interest and sense of loss.
The biggest mistake I made early on was I was so happy to get the number I hung around too long. I did not GO!
It is critical that you raise interest and get the hell out of there leaving them wanting more, wanting to hear from you very soon.
11) I will call or email them the next day and set up a lunch or coffee within the same week. It makes no sense to me to wait X number of days to do this. I assume I have made a great impression on them and I don’t want that feeling to fade. Just don’t do it the same day.
So, in summary, the steps are a) the opener, b) the transition, c) the introduction, d) the number close and e) the follow up.
My stats vary widely from week to week but on any one of these days I will approach 20 women, open a minimum of 10 of them, get to transition and introduction on maybe 7, and get digits from 3 to 5. It’s very unpredictable and it does not seem to matter whether I’m having an “on” day or not. I do this a lot and I have found they either like me or not and sometimes it seems I have little control over this.
What you see is I approach a lot of women but screen out a large percentage. Of those I go for the number close on I get a high percentage of digits. My flake factor is low and I think this is due to the screening process.
Also, I cannot remember a single instance where I “converted” a seemingly uninterested woman to an actual lunch or coffee get together. I have gotten their number because most women will actually give out their number: but if the interest is not there, it will never be there. Don’t waste your time on a disinterested woman.
Approaching does not require talent or special gifts. It is a skill. A skill that is learned the same as any skill, you practice and study.
Like any skill you can break it down in pieces. Start with just openers. Get comfortable with that then go to transitions, then so on and so on……Get it?
Like any skill that is new to you it is uncomfortable at first, and then it gets easier. Later you wonder how you ever thought it was hard. Remember as a kid how hard driving a car seemed?
Women are out there; everywhere you go, anytime you go. All you have to do is take that first step and talk to them.
Happy Approaching.
