10 year relationship - Wife Lost of sexual desire

Hi everybody,

I will try to make a simple explanation of my situation, even if I had this problem for several years and it's pretty complicated to me.

I've been with the same women for 10 years now. We have 2 small kids. In the first years, sexuality has been flowing easily. But since the last few years (after the kids were born) my wife start loosing interest in sex. We're now doing it 1-2 times a month, but when it happends, it's still pretty good.

We have been in therapy for 3 years (3 different doctors), she had her hormones tested, we've read so many books on the subject it's insane.

Guess most of you would say "Get out of the relationship". I will admit if it wasn't for the 2 kids, it would have done this a long time ago. But I guess I have to try everything before that happens. And still after all this, I love my wife. But don't get me wrong, I'm not a nice guy that only stays with her for a romantic idea of love. I think we can be happy in relationship with different kind and different women. But the kids are the main reason i'm trying to resolve this.

My wife says it's not me, she has lost interest in sex altogether (no desires, fantasies, etc...) and it's getting her frustrated too (because she knows I much it's impostant to me). I have no reasons not to believe her, but experience got me to believe she's lying to herself too (probably subconsiously).

After all my research, I came to the conclusion that the problem was probably started by a physical cause (hormonal or whatever) followed by a bad management of this crisis by both of us. This bad management (lots of anger displayed by myself, desperatly trying to get more sex (like begging), etc...) had probably affected the image I project in her mind.

Another thing I notice is that in the first few years, I was a lot more independant because we had no house, no kids, etc...I was a free bird (no serious job, musician, getting out a lot with friends, etc...) and I know this contributed to my sex appeal to her, she likes this independant image. If we had a fight, I could leave the appartment, go with my friends, etc.. Today, the situation is different. We have our jobs, family to support, and I cannot just get out of the house and go play music anytime I want and leave her with the kids.

Today, i'm much more in control in my emotions. I've gone back to the gym, I'm a pretty decent looking guy with a great personnality, and I have no problem flirting with women.

I would like my wife to be in love with me the way she was, and get excited the way she was in the past.

I've read a lot of material on this site, but I was wondering if any of you have got into a similar situation and have specific advices or post to point to.

Any help would be appreciated.

Regards

LTR_guy

I've never been married but I think I can try to help.

1) Make sure you're in shape and PHYSICALLY attractive.

2) Stop worrying about it, do something to get your confidence up and make yourself feel manly.

After that, it may just be the age old problem of fukking the same person over and over. I know I suffer with that. No telling how many times I've got a hard on by looking at other girls and then fukked my girlfriend because of it. Doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home.

But, man, I don't know. I wouldn't chalk it up to a failed marriage or anything just yet. Things can be done. Very few marriages actually actually always have a hoppin' sex life. Doesn't it eventually morph into a real, fulfilling relationship? That's what I'm gunning for, anyway. It ain't all about sex, at least to me.

This is a serious situation and I only read the first few lines. Personally I do not think you should be taking peoples advice about marriage stuff because its very serious. I personally will not post advice on specific situations for people to do. I post actual help posts but never do this kind of thing. People can tell you all the advice you want man but in a super long relationship including marriage mostly all of us have no idea so take their advice lately please.

Play the Game said:

I agree lets not test the theory of Don Juan on a marriage.

Click to expand...

Is there an issue with married DJs? Many men could learn from them.

Deceitful Housewives

Here's your answer, my friend.

Like most post-lib spoiled American women...she is simply following "the pattern."

Get ready, cuz you're about to get SERVED. That's just what you get for saying "I do" in the United States of Oprah.

Well, LTR_guy. You just gave me more reason to stay in the field and don't settle, or have kids.


Listen to wayword.. Actually read his signature first.

"The best way to find the women of your dreams is to become the man of your dreams." - Mr. Fingers
"Women would rather share a successful man than be attached to a faithful loser." - Pook

...and those have links, so click and read.




My personal advice, don't make it your shared problem. It is her problem. Show less interest in her, check out other women. Do not be attached to her via kids. Go on vacation by yourself. Move out and live with your buddy. Get separated. Don't be intimidated by a divorce (but do hide assets).

If you are unable to live happy, you money bag you, then leave her and find happiness somewhere else.


And you see, I'm only 26, no kids, no wife, but I have an idea what to do here. Anything but to feel attached to a girl that is unsatisfying, especially if you have to lie to yourself to make you think otherwise.




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Now kids. My father was in jail, and devorced when he came back when I was 7 or 8. So, I seen him here and there, but not like doing a lot of things together, and when we were I didn't learn. He was rather an AFC, and divorced my mother because he felt insecure because she cheated while he was in zone. Whether he was there with us or visiting, I don't think would have mattered. I grew up to be AFC on my own, I might have done that with his help. Since you claim you're educated, which I doubt, because you're married and have kids, and are attached and in need of guidance, maybe you're educated to a point, but not like lady laying man slvt!!! My point is that you can be there for your kids no matter what. Hey, either it's a problem with her leaving the state with kids, or with you getting frustrated and growing old and unhappy, either way it's a problem.

o o - another man in the picture is always an option!!!

It doesn't matter if she is interested in sex -- you don't need her interest to do the act -- she is obligated as a wife to open her legs without fail!!!!!!!!!!! This is her duty -- if not then leave her!!!

wayword said:

Here's your answer, my friend.

Like most post-lib spoiled American women...she is simply following "the pattern."

Get ready, cuz you're about to get SERVED. That's just what you get for saying "I do" in the United States of Oprah.

Click to expand...

That link made me laugh because it's just so accurate. Went through an experience with a woman like that recently. Luckily, I was the lover.

IamtheAlphamale said:

This is a serious situation and I only read the first few lines. Personally I do not think you should be taking peoples advice about marriage stuff because its very serious. I personally will not post advice on specific situations for people to do. I post actual help posts but never do this kind of thing. People can tell you all the advice you want man but in a super long relationship including marriage mostly all of us have no idea so take their advice lately please.

Click to expand...

Speak for yourself.

Take it from me, she will give you a thousand reasons as to what could be wrong, and they all might be true, but the REAL reason why the sex has slowed has to do with something she'll never tell you because she doesn't want to hurt you.

How do I know this? Because it happened to me, except *I* was the one who lost interest in HER. I gave her a thousand reasons why I didn't want to have sex, and yes, they were all true, but the MAIN reason I hid from her because I didn't want to hurt her. I just simply wasn't attracted to her anymore. Why? Because she had let herself go physically, but more importantly she was a MESS emotionally and I was so turned off by her that the mere thought of sex with her made me sick.

What does this mean to you? Well, this means that your wife simply isn't as attracted to you anymore. And it doesn't have anything to do with your looks. It probably has to do with the fact that you were free spirits at one time and now you are locked down. The everyday humdrum of daily life can kill sexual libido like nothing else. Add two kids into the mix, and she's probably straight up exhausted.

So, how do you fix this? Well, let me tell you straight up. FIRST AND FOREMOST YOU NEED TO GET THIS OUT INTO THE OPEN. YOU NEED TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL THERAPY AND STOP HIDING IT AND KEEPING IT A SECRET.

Trust me, if you don't do that much, you might as well kiss the marriage goodbye. This is a SERIOUS problem and only professional counselling, TOGETHER, will put you on the right track.

Then, you need to figure out what you lost. Meaning, you are probably so caught up with the kids and everyday life that you are probably neglecting your relationship. You probably didn't intend for it, but it's happening. So you need to rekindle that spark by doing the things that initiated the spark in the first place: DATE.

That's right, starting NOW, you need to pick a night of the week, find a babysitter, and make it DATE NIGHT. Don't give me no excuses. Don't say you don't have the money. Don't say that you'll do it later. TRUST ME, if you have to frikin sell BODY parts to science to get the money or you have to BEG to get a babysitter, you MUST FIND A WAY TO DO THIS!!!!

You've got to shake things up. You've got to break the normal. The everyday hum drum of life is killing her sexual attraction to you, and SOMEBODY will come along that will shake her life up if you don't. TRUST ME. So, why not let it be you?

What else can you do? TALK ABOUT IT WITH EACH OTHER! Not just talking, but try new things. Try role playing. Try eating things off each other. Try getting as close to each other as you possibly can without touching. Dress up in uniforms. Whatever your fetish is, whatever her fetish is. Try having her go to a bar and you picking her up like a complete stranger.

To put it bluntly: DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT! What you are doing now is obviously not working, so try something so off the wall that it seems crazy.

I'm willing to bet she feels trapped as hell. I'm willing to bet you've changed, and that personality she fell in love with has been "tamed" by fatherhood. WELL SHOW HER THAT YOU CAN BE WILD AGAIN!

Take her places. Do crazy things. Go skydiving or bungee jumping. Even a scary roller coaster can accomplish the thrills she needs.

Don't give me no excuse about money. FIND THE TIME FOR EACH OTHER. TAKE IT FROM ME, SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN WHERE YOU ARE ON THE OPPOSITE END, FIND THE TIME FOR EACH OTHER. I don't care what bills you think you have to pay. FIND THE TIME FOR EACH OTHER. I don't care what life has delivered your way. Declare bankruptcy and start completely over if you have to just so you can have more money or time or both to do what you have to do, DO IT.

Heed this as your warning call. If you ignore this, you WILL be divorced within another 2-5 years, I garauntee it. If you don't MAKE a way to spice things up in your marriage, you WILL be divorced, probably due to cheating.

Find a way. Rack your brains and find a way.

BlackJackal said:

That link made me laugh because it's just so accurate. Went through an experience with a woman like that recently. Luckily, I was the lover.

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I suggest this guy buy that book ASAP cuz it definitely sounds like his wife is in Stage 1. He's given her everything she wants and so now...she only wants more. Women are like that. When you simply give them what they want, you give them boredom. But when you tease them with what they want, you give them desire.

Learn to give her desire, not boredom.

But I'd also be careful about rewarding her bad behavior by jumping through hoops just to keep her "happy" as Vypros suggests. What are you, her groupie? YOU are supposed to be her Prize, her rockstar - not the other way around! You shouldn't have to work to keep her, she should have to work to keep you! As it is in other less feminist countries... Unfortunately, by getting married, you forfeited ALL your leverage and gave her BOREDOM, not DESIRE. Not to mention all your power and nads in a jar. Why do you think women want you to marry them so much? It's not out of love - it's out of power-tripping.

Fact is, you have no easy solution now. Once you're married, she got you by the balls and YOU KNOW IT.

Thanks to everyone who have answered this post

Hi again,

I believe that 'INFORMATION' is the key to solving a lot of problem in this world. How you screen this information and what you do with it...well...that depends on a lot of factors. I don't believe that we should restrain that information because some people don't have the maturity to screen and use it properly. Sometimes, just a little thing you pickup in multiple advices can change a lot of things in your life...Same reasons that I don't think we should return to alcool prohibition because some people can't handle it.

And even then, that's life. **** happens and you learn.

For the therapy point, trust me, I've been there. Probably 100 hours in the last 3 years, 25% of wich on my own. I believe that therapy is mostly good to achieve peace of mind (a resonable amout of it). I was soo angry a couple of years ago, and communication was soo difficult that it has helped a lot. What therapy DIDN'T do (well in my case) is to improve sexual libido on my wife part. But I think you can never solve a problem if you have issues like anger so I think it was a necessary step.

But the information about what makes a women lust, well, I think the mainstream medias and therapy conselors have it WAY WAY wrong. Romantic stuff, etc...that's the kind of information you should stay away from, or use in a larger context.

So where do you get your informations? I prefer multiple sources, and I don't think it has to be politically correct to be right. But you have to screen it and use it right. Every information can be use in different ways. A woman can use her seduction skill to manipulate a man and walk all over him. Still, the techniques are real. They cannot be dismiss because she has use them to manipulate. I think this website is a source of a lot of good informations that are not available in the maintream. The only good book I have read recently from an MD is 'The erotic mind'. A lot of his theories have a resonnance from theories here. But 99% of the stuff out there is just bull...

That brings me to a more philosophical point. I have choosen to give this challenge a try (trying to keep a good sex life in a LTR). I fully respect people who think it is not possible and the best life a man can have is to be a DJ all his life with a succession of passionnate relationships. Sincerely, I think it's possible to be a DJ all your life and be really happy. But i'm not sure it's for everyone, and i'm not sure it's for me. Guess I not an advocate of absolute thruths.

I had a nice DJ life from 18 to 28, and have been with many many women, and guess what, it was great! My wife was just a girl that I had a lot of things in common and really really get's me going sexually. Still today, i'm rarely bored with this girl. I remember that 95% of the girls I dated in my DJ years, well, the next morning I just tried to found a way to get the hell out of there. They were pretty girls, mostly intelligent ones, but they didn't interest me for a LTR. Just a few did. That doesn't make me a better person than them, I just think you cannot be really happy with a lot of people in life (and still it depends, for me it is).

What I have learned till now form my experience:

1-The first KEY is to be in control of our emotions. If you're not, you cannot implement any kind of solutions. Some (like me) need therapy for this. But I think it's the kind of lifelong challenge. You always learn new things and you always can become better at it and informations comes in many many sources. And I think it's the key for a lot of other problems in life like addictions, job issues, etc...But I haven't read any good books on the subjects. Anyone?

2-Once I was in control of my emotions, I started to improve myself. Curiously, the 2 things that resonnate the most in ways I can improve myself are very similar to what attracts me in women:
a) physical attraction
b) independance of actions (fun activities we do in life with other people)

There are a lot more than this but I just point out these 2 cause in my case, well, time have worked against me in these areas in my 10 years marriage. I was 155pds 10 yrs ago. I got to 185pds and it wasn't muscle. The other thing is that it takes a lot more energy to be independant when you have a stressful job and 2 kids. I takes much more efforts to keep this kind of independance (activities outside from the family) than it use to take. I remember going out 3 times a week in the fisrt years of my marriage with my friends. Next day, I could sleep and be in perfect shape. When I go out these days, I have to got out of bed at 7AM in the morning ;-)

So I started 6 months ago to go to the gym and watch what I eat, and I already lost 20pds and i'm more muscular.

I'm also in the process of having more outside activities.

All this is for MYSELF, and for MY wellbeing. NOT FOR HER. Still think that all our actions are selfish, but hey, that's just my theory.


I will keep this post alive to monitor my progress, if this can help anyone in the same situation.

Regards

LTR_Guy

MacDiddy said:

This is BS... DJ is not theory. It has been based on $hit that worked in the past and will work in the future.

His relationship is heading down and if he needs to make plans to bail now than it would be the best thing he's ever done. I don't need to point to countless divorces that have fcuked up mens lives the world over. Now obviously, being a DJ might be the spark that leads him to a better life with his misses then thats better.

There is no more need to talk it over with her. no more talk. just actions. you can agree to whatever after a talk, but nobody adheres to it. you cannot change how you feel after a talk. it takes action.

Click to expand...

i dunno about just bailing. That answer is far to redudnant. Yes in many cases it does make sense since the ***** is some slut from a bar or is mind controlling, or the guy let his gates down and went AFC.

this is a little different. I mean both sides have to work in a marriage, and if he still loves her, he should at least try and make it work. He's got plenty of time bail if it does not work out, but at least he should try.

and thats why advice on this board should not be used too seriously, i guide at best. An expert with this situation would be much better suited

LTR_guy said:

1-The first KEY is to be in control of our emotions. If you're not, you cannot implement any kind of solutions. Some (like me) need therapy for this. But I think it's the kind of lifelong challenge. You always learn new things and you always can become better at it and informations comes in many many sources. And I think it's the key for a lot of other problems in life like addictions, job issues, etc...But I haven't read any good books on the subjects. Anyone?

Click to expand...

Indeed. An AFC is very emotional. A DJ is always in control. It is one thing that can be controlled in life. Books that help you with this is everything from David DeAngelo, his general technique, and also books that he recommends, such as J.D. Fuentes. Then also the Gunwitch guide. NLP materials, and DJ Bible. The idea ot get insight into yourself, the rest comes into place by its own as you go out and experience the world.

LTR_guy said:

2-Once I was in control of my emotions, I started to improve myself. Curiously, the 2 things that resonnate the most in ways I can improve myself are very similar to what attracts me in women:
a) physical attraction
b) independance of actions (fun activities we do in life with other people)

Click to expand...

Was it before you DJ years in your 20ties? Or was this just now?




I read a lot from this site, and I gathered from my friends, that once you are married you become this money bag, a wallet, rather than a man. It sounds a lot like you are just another confirmation of this idea of money bag. Hey, that is what you whole thread is about, "hi guys, I have a problem, my wife don't want sex with me, she just using me for other things"..


It is my believe that you are thinking that there is a route to make your wife attracted to you again.

I also think you believe you are at fault that she is not attracted to you at the moment. And why not, you have a sh1tty life and feel the need to improve yourself, that means you let go at some point, so it is your fault. (carying about others always get you punished, and no good deed goes unpunished)


I want to throw at you another piece of information: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=16420

It is accurate. I can e-mail you a ton of eBooks for a good reading, just PM your e-mail.








P.S. Your current belives and reality is shaped by your feminization during your marriage. You went from a DJ to whatever you want to call your current status. You are now improving yourself. My prediction is that you will continue to improve yourself, and then one day say fvck it and divorce your wife - because you deserve better.

How old is she? Is she menopausing?

Thread merged with the one posted in DJD...

She's 41

Hi again,

Yes, maybe it's part menopauses, she will see her doctor soon about it. But like I said, she had her hormones check last year, no problems then.

My guess is maybe that a physical condition can trigger this (maternity is a big thing hormonally for women), but I think it mainly psychological after that and the spiral that follows is causing all the damage (this is why I think most of the DJ infos are accurate to this problem).

Yes, I know I could find another girl in a twist if I left my wife. But I don't see how things would have change about the ratio of women that really interest me out there. And still, it's a choice, always have been for the last years. I sure don't think she's the only possible women of my life. It's just the woman I choose.

And it always easy to those who haven't experience family closeness (like listening to Schreck with my 6 year old boy, 4 year old daughter and my wife in bed on saturday night) to discredit it. It's not the end of the world and it cannot replace a orgasm (just different), but it is surely a feeling i'm proud to have experienced in this life.

I think all the things that are said about how women, going into stages after marriage, etc... are mainly true. But not all women accept this and become B1tches.

And don't forget that most men change too, and not to the better. Marriage or not. I see this board mainly so men can see these changes occurs (or the fact that they always been like this), identify theses problems, and correct them.
So no big differences there between men and women. The fact that some people want to try to go beyond their internal mechanism should not be viewed has a failure. Just a choice to experience different things. If a man and a woman can find ways to improve themselves and keep the sexual tension and experiences great, I say WHY NOT? I'm against the people that let others manipulate them or the people who hide the thruth to themselves. Beyond that, if their happy...


I think it has been the greatest challenge of my life this struggle i'm in. I don't know how it's gonna end, but the one thing I hope is not to become a poor guy who don't get it or a guy that is bitter about life.

regards

LTR_guy

Three things

1. You've mentioned your own commitment to exercise and fitness. What about her??? Get her exercising too.

2. What about her clothes? She needs a makeover. Whole new wardrobe.

3. You both need more excitement in your lives. Take a trip, vacation, get involved in sports, expand your social circle, or something else exciting. Something to get you both out of your comfort zones. Ditch the kids go to a nearby town for a dinner date. Go white water rafting, sky diving, etc. Join a softball league, tennis, cycling, bowling, anything to get the blood pumping.


All of the above will stimulate both of you mentally and physically. She needs to feel sexy if she is going to feel sexual.

Slickster said:

1. You've mentioned your own commitment to exercise and fitness. What about her??? Get her exercising too.

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Exactly.

Turn the tables and imagine:

If he was withholding sex from her and potentially cheating...then she rewards this behavior by supplicating to him more?

Be careful of the messages you are sending here with your reactions. When you start rewarding bad behavior, you are setting up a dangerous precedent for yourself. That's like giving your dog a biscuit everytime it shyts on the floor.

Maybe you need to remind her and YOURSELF of everything you're doing for her already. Threaten to sell the house and downsize into an apartment. Tell her you're getting bored with your job and want to quit and become a musician again. Threaten to take away the STABILITY & RESOURCES that you have provided her...and she now takes for granted.

You think she wants excitement? Well, she wants whatever she don't have. You take away stability and see if she still wants more "excitement" or not more stability back! F'n hors! Learn to skool these byches you fat puzzies!

wayword?

wayword?
>>wayword?
F'n hors! Learn to skool these byches you fat puzzies!

If I turn tables wayword, you sound like a feminist butch...

urg....