How to tell if she is a BPD girl ?

jophil28 · Nov 22, 2006

I am no psych major and I have no real desire to take a psych degree just to be able to filter out the BPD nutjobs out there.
SO how do you tell if your latest "squeeze' is suffering from any significant PDs and in particular BPD. These PDs are obscure and their symptom edges and overlaps appear to be blurred.
Many times women act irrationally and are led by their emotions. Many times these emotional events are NOT part of a pattern and not necessarily harmful to the relationship.- just "dippy" stuff.
So what do we do to weed out the loonies from the lovelies.

(Please do not suggest that we "trust our gut". That way lies wrong turns and bad calls. Men are trained as children to seek evidence and ignore their feelings and emotions . MY gut does give off warnings but I have NO clue about what to do withg the warning signals that bubble up)

Example - my recent Ex G/f had the ability to blab "double -talk " AND she also had the ability to hold two opposing and contradictory beliefs at one -"double think ". This resulted in her acting inconsistently and saying inconsistent things. I never knew what to believe . There was nothing that she said that I could "take to the bank".... Is this BPD behavior or something else?

flexion_ · Nov 22, 2006

attention *****s, lots of male friends, bad relationship with family, drug abuse, magical thinking...

jophil28 · Nov 22, 2006

What is Magical thinking - pls give a few examples.

By Ex G/f had a long history of being in "triangles" ( she was romantically attached to two men -and this situation was present while she was married and then after her marriage . The lady usually had one primary sexual relationship and one other male "in the wings "
- Is this symtomatic female BPD behavior .

Flexion - RE your reply above . What is the word after "Attention." Does it Rhyme with CORE ??

DJDamage · Nov 22, 2006

Just read this thread:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=55034&highlight=personality+disorder

jophil28 · Nov 23, 2006

My Ex G/f did not do self harm (cutting) and she never "lost " her temper.
However a lot of the other characteristics of BPD apply to he. Is she still a BPD candiddate od should I look to another diangosis.

decades · Nov 23, 2006

The best way to recognize is to pay close attention to your date's behavior from day one. That's because from the get go, you will have the feeling that things are moving along VERY fast, and not really because of what you are doing. You will also notice that she "idealizes" you, that is, puts you up on a "can do no wrong" pedestal. This is where we get caught. It feels SO good that we just want it to continue. The sex comes early and often. Its what DJs dream about. The idealization is NOT REAL. It's a con to lure you in and to get you caught up...hooked. The bad behavior comes later after you are indeed, "hooked". Then its usually too late to make your escape without any Damage.

regards

decades · Nov 23, 2006

She still could be. She is most likely what is called a "High Functioning" BP. There are also inward acting BPs that don't overtly rage. They seem together; but their rage is directed inward in an almost unnoticeable way. They are still angry and resentful, maybe more so, but it is expressed in passive aggressive ways.

regards

jophil28 said:
My Ex G/f did not do self harm (cutting) and she never "lost " her temper.
However a lot of the other characteristics of BPD apply to he. Is she still a BPD candiddate od should I look to another diangosis.

decades · Nov 23, 2006

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Some Borderlines have an almost eery chameleon-like quality to their social interactions: voice, gestures, clothing, opinions can change according to the person or group being idealized at the moment.

Lacking a stable relationship to self, it is common for folks with this disorder to exhaustively question every fundamental belief others may take for granted: their religious convictions, sexual orientation or preferences, moral precepts, goals and purpose in life. Unable to provide it for themselves, Borderlines consistently seek external validation of their self-value. Often, the assimilation into a group with strict guidelines and principles (military, religious or even cultist organizations) can substitute for this acceptance.

Another facet of this lack of identity is an observed tendency on the part of those with BPD to frequently quit jobs and/or change careers. In many ways, even an older person with BPD can be much like a teenager fresh out of high-school, unsure of their future goals and plans and reluctant to commit to one career path.

Many loved ones wonder whether the person with BPD in their life suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder (now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder), because their self-presentation can shift so radically from situation to situation. This has many causes, one of them being a tendency of those with BPD to dissociate under stress.

jophil28 said:
Example - my recent Ex G/f had the ability to blab "double -talk " AND she also had the ability to hold two opposing and contradictory beliefs at one -"double think ". This resulted in her acting inconsistently and saying inconsistent things. I never knew what to believe . There was nothing that she said that I could "take to the bank".... Is this BPD behavior or something else?

JustDoItAlways · Nov 23, 2006

You are really not going to know what kind of girl you are dealing with until you have known her up-close for awhile.

Most chicks give out the ocassional red flag, give you a out-of-bounds sh1t test without thinking first, give out signs of being an attention wh0re on occassion.

Most of the time, you can't really tell how much of a b1tch she really is until you've been with her for a few months.

So you are not going to know she is BPD or have some other personality disorder until you have been in the relationship with her for some time (and maybe you have already invested your emotions into her.)

I am always watching, listening, asking questions to dig deeper. I don't let myself fall for a chick until she has proven through her actual actions that she is worthy. I adjust my game and approach to the particular flavor of girl that she is (they are not all the same you know.) I set deadlines to see if she can adapt to what I am looking for.

Most of the time, the chick is not crazy, she is just a little different that my ideal. I can work with that. Sometimes I have to slot her into short-term potential only because she is too far from my ideal.

But there is a point where you cannot slot her as long-term, short-term or anything. And you just move on at that point.

There is no magic formula. There is no way to tell a chick is completely crazy when you first meet her.

jophil28 · Nov 23, 2006

Ny Ex G/f was a master of double talk -statements said with apparent conviction at the time but which were in stark contrast to recent previous statements.
Example -
She is usually very fond of daily drinking at her house after school -4pm onwards. She is a teacher.

She recently said, " I do not feel a need to drink when I am out with you
I feel so relaxed -I do not need it."

A week later she says ," My therapist says that YOU are the cause of my anxiety."
____
She said " I do love you but you are not the man for me ."
Then ,a week later ," Will you marry me? "
_____

She said ,' OMG, I never knew sex could be like this ."
Then a few days later, "This relationship is all about sex to YOU isn't it."
____

She has a written list of SIX problems with our relationship.(Meaning 6 things WRONG with me) She carries this list around with her and brought it on our last date (6 weeks ago). She will not show me the list.
Then she says, "My therapist says that we can have a successful relationship because you fill just one of my needs and one is enough ."

??? This was all making my head swim. I am 6 weeks out of it but drained and really messed up -

Numerous other examples of inconsistent and contradictory stuff/ I was getting looney trying to unravel it.

Latinoman · Dec 4, 2006

Example - my recent Ex G/f had the ability to blab "double -talk " AND she also had the ability to hold two opposing and contradictory beliefs at one -"double think ". This resulted in her acting inconsistently and saying inconsistent things. I never knew what to believe . There was nothing that she said that I could "take to the bank".... Is this BPD behavior or something else?

No BPD as far as I can see (although I'm not an expert)...but more of the typical MANIPULATIVE DOUBLE STANDARDS that some women have.

Latinoman · Dec 4, 2006

jophil28 said:
What is Magical thinking - pls give a few examples.

By Ex G/f had a long history of being in "triangles" ( she was romantically attached to two men -and this situation was present while she was married and then after her marriage . The lady usually had one primary sexual relationship and one other male "in the wings "
- Is this symtomatic female BPD behavior .

That is NOT BPD...but more of lack of morals (by today standards) and very high desire to be a slut.

Latinoman · Dec 4, 2006

jophil28 said:
My Ex G/f did not do self harm (cutting) and she never "lost " her temper.
However a lot of the other characteristics of BPD apply to he. Is she still a BPD candiddate od should I look to another diangosis.

She is an EX...you should look for NOTHING. In fact, you should move on and forget completely about her.

Latinoman · Dec 4, 2006

jophil28 said:
Ny Ex G/f was a master of double talk -statements said with apparent conviction at the time but which were in stark contrast to recent previous statements.
Example -
She is usually very fond of daily drinking at her house after school -4pm onwards. She is a teacher.

She recently said, " I do not feel a need to drink when I am out with you
I feel so relaxed -I do not need it."

A week later she says ," My therapist says that YOU are the cause of my anxiety."
____
She said " I do love you but you are not the man for me ."
Then ,a week later ," Will you marry me? "
_____

She said ,' OMG, I never knew sex could be like this ."
Then a few days later, "This relationship is all about sex to YOU isn't it."
____

She has a written list of SIX problems with our relationship.(Meaning 6 things WRONG with me) She carries this list around with her and brought it on our last date (6 weeks ago). She will not show me the list.
Then she says, "My therapist says that we can have a successful relationship because you fill just one of my needs and one is enough ."

??? This was all making my head swim. I am 6 weeks out of it but drained and really messed up -

Numerous other examples of inconsistent and contradictory stuff/ I was getting looney trying to unravel it.

Yep...she is a nutcase.

kyphan · Dec 4, 2006

Girls in therapy are perfectly fine. I have a feeling most people in our society have been to therapy at one point or another in their lives.

Girls who claim their therapist said "your boyfriend is the problem" will eat your soul with a spoon and burp giddily afterwards. Run.

Latinoman · Dec 4, 2006

kyphan said:
Girls in therapy are perfectly fine. I have a feeling most people in our society have been to therapy at one point or another in their lives.

Girls who claim their therapist said "your boyfriend is the problem" will eat your soul with a spoon and burp giddily afterwards. Run.

I have never been to a therapist in my life. Neither have my sisters or brothers or dad. Wait, I went to a marriage counselor ONCE and that was it.

I deal with my problems straight up.

Not saying that being with a therapist is bad. Heck...when somebody has a great lost (death of a love one) that might be the best alternative to help the person deal with the pain.

Dating a woman that goes to a therapist (CURRENTLY goes to a therapist) is a HUGE red flag.

Sinistar · Dec 4, 2006

Things I've Noticed Very Early On:

1.) The odd psychopathic-stare / reptillian gaze. Creepy. Dead giveway!
2.) Abnormal reaction to your C&F name calling and teasing.
3.) Kidding about their female friends yields BS about guy friends.
4.) Is your rescuer/savior radar going off (a big no-no for both parties).

Taken from your previous thread:

jophil28 said:
Ok, I hear you guys about no contact, no analysing, no figuring, no talking and no regrets. This will be my last post about HER and ...

BRICK .... thud! Busted dude, you're already rationalizing and analysing her behaviour again just a day and thread later after saying you would stop. Did you consciously realize you were doing this when you typed it?

latinoman said:
She is an EX...you should look for NOTHING. In fact, you should move on and forget completely about her.

Much wisdom here.

lee36044 · Dec 4, 2006

jophil28 said:
I am no psych major and I have no real desire to take a psych degree just to be able to filter out the BPD nutjobs out there.
SO how do you tell if your latest "squeeze' is suffering from any significant PDs and in particular BPD. These PDs are obscure and their symptom edges and overlaps appear to be blurred.

In the spirit of answering the original question simply .... here are a few things to look out for. They don't always mean PD but they almost always mean trouble if you want to have a serious relationship with the woman displaying them.

More than two short term marriages.

More than one kid .... with different fathers.

Knows men everywhere you go out with her.

Tries to be part of your life from the first date on.

Gets upset or angry over minor issues.

Sex too soon ... especially after claiming not to want to move too fast.

Very few female friends of her own.

Sexually indiscreet or indescriminately flirty when drinking.

History of finding the next "boyfriend" before leaving the last one.

History of moving to new state / city every few years ... not career related but because she was tired of the last one .... or worse yet ... because of some guy she was with at the time.

Can't hold a job. (Even if she has children)

These things aren't hard to find out over the course of a few dates by observation and with a little bit of conversation. Anything that indicates a history of reacting to the adversity in her life instead of controlling her own destiny is a good indicator of how well she will be able to cope in a serious relationship. Forget symptomology and diagnosis. Just use your brain. If a woman doesn't have a real life when she meets you, she's doesn't have anything to bring to the relationship other than her needs when she does get with you.

Scrumtulescence · Dec 4, 2006

jophil28 said:
Ny Ex G/f was a master of double talk -statements said with apparent conviction at the time but which were in stark contrast to recent previous statements.
Example -
She is usually very fond of daily drinking at her house after school -4pm onwards. She is a teacher.

She recently said, " I do not feel a need to drink when I am out with you
I feel so relaxed -I do not need it."

A week later she says ," My therapist says that YOU are the cause of my anxiety."
____
She said " I do love you but you are not the man for me ."
Then ,a week later ," Will you marry me? "
_____

She said ,' OMG, I never knew sex could be like this ."
Then a few days later, "This relationship is all about sex to YOU isn't it."
____

She has a written list of SIX problems with our relationship.(Meaning 6 things WRONG with me) She carries this list around with her and brought it on our last date (6 weeks ago). She will not show me the list.
Then she says, "My therapist says that we can have a successful relationship because you fill just one of my needs and one is enough ."

??? This was all making my head swim. I am 6 weeks out of it but drained and really messed up -

Numerous other examples of inconsistent and contradictory stuff/ I was getting looney trying to unravel it.

That woman is loony toons. And I'm almost inclined to believe you are too for not dumping her already.

jophil28 · Dec 4, 2006

I will say this one last time -
I have had NO contact with her since early October.
That means no contact !! No calls, texts or visits. I am not waiting for something to 'snap' into place and for her to be 'fixed" , she is my EX !!
PLease do not continue to badger me as if I am still seeing her and can't stop dating or chasing her !!
I have NOT seen her nor want to see her because she f**ked up my head and my heart .

I am trying to "RECOVER" from her endless mind games and the emotional fallout .
I am not trying to find ways to fix this relationship .

Jophil

How to tell if she is a BPD girl ?

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