How to regain power

I'm a big believer in the Cardinal Rule of Relationships "In any relationship, the person with the most power is the one who needs the other the least.". Contractdicting this is my inate need for tests (basically reaffirmation that I'm desired by the other party).

I realize that I need to start spinning more plates to achieve my goal. However I have a small ethical dilemna and it comes from a lack of communication. Since we've officially broken up and I moved out, we've never really discussed where / what we are. We've had some pillow talk about not having other partners (ok I did, said I wouldn't sleep with others as I was being weak but its a bit of a trade off - I'm gettin condom free sex (she's on the pill). For someone who was raised without condoms, this is a biggie, I have a hard time satisfying myself with condoms. So its a small trade off for me from a physical stand point.

The problem is I've never been sexual satisfied like I am now. Why give that up for crappy ONS condom sex?

The other thing is a few years ago I intiated this self imposed 30 day rule. That following a LTR, I will not sleep around for 30 days. This was done so that I can make a clean break so that if I found a quality women that I wanted to get involved with, I would be moved on from the ex, and also because I've killed any chances for the relationship by sleeping around again too soon.

So now in my mind, me and the ex are basically FB's. However she is still making investments in the relationship. A month after telling me that I should move home to be with my daughter, I got stuck back at home on a visit and she paid for my way to get back. When I hinted at ending things in the past, she told me not to talk so stupid.

However I'm the one generally initiating contact. I could go over there probably 5 days a week if I wanted for a piece of tail. I've limited myself to 2-3 times per week, depending on hormones. I try to keep 3-4 days between callin if possible.

However I feel like she is a natural at this game. Now I don't know if I should tell her I'm moving on and break up with her? I am prepared to take the risk of losing her to get the power but I don't know if it is the right move. The other thing is I know my underlying desire for tests. I know that I just want her to come out and tell me that she loves me and wants to be with me. On one hand, I'd risk giving her an ultimatum so that she chooses but on the other hand, everything that I've learned from the bible tells me thats the quickest way to lose her.

So how do I overcome this need to hear those words from her against the DJ principles that I KNOW work.

How do I regain the power in the relationship?

MacAvoy said:

So how do I overcome this need to hear those words from her against the DJ principles that I KNOW work.

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First of all, WHY do you need to hear those words?

I am in the same boat. To move on or to work at the relationship.. that is the question. I dont know your situation but my best advice and the thing that seems to work the best is to start moving on. Look at it as her having a 50-59% interest level. what would you do? you would:"stop callin her so much. You would make yourself less available. Give her less attention, and give other girls more attention.Don’t call her for a week or two, and don’t act depressed or desperate. You would act like you enjoy having her around, but she is not at the top of your lists on priorities. Remain challenging, don’t let anything she says get to you, bother, or phase you. Show social proof, be mysterious, spontaneous, and put your DJ skills to work." So.. spin some plates, get back out there and have some great adventures you can tell her about (and show her that you didnt need her to have them), and have fun. Forget about anything relating to her for awhile. Either she will move on or come back. U know what to do so go do it.

P.S. Does anyone ever feel like every 6 months you have to regain power and restart your relationship again? I been dating a girl for awhile and every 6 months its like I have to start all over again and "date" her until I regain my power back..

You just have to do it, man. You have to quit caring. Easier said than done, I know. I'm in a strange position like that now. You just have to stop giving a sh1t and do your own thing. You can't push her to do anything. I'd say do something to boost your confidence, because that's what you may be lacking. You don't think she's willing to tell you what you want to hear. Confidence is key. I'd say flirt with some chicks so you know you CAN move on if you have to.

BobFuest said:

You would make yourself less available. Give her less attention, and give other girls more attention.Don’t call her for a week or two, and don’t act depressed or desperate. You would act like you enjoy having her around, but she is not at the top of your lists on priorities. Remain challenging, don’t let anything she says get to you, bother, or phase you. Show social proof, be mysterious, spontaneous, and put your DJ skills to work." So.. spin some plates, get back out there and have some great adventures you can tell her about (and show her that you didnt need her to have them), and have fun. Forget about anything relating to her for awhile...

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Awesome advice. Best post I've ever seen you make Bob. The site is doing you well.

BobFuest said:

P.S. Does anyone ever feel like every 6 months you have to regain power and restart your relationship again? I been dating a girl for awhile and every 6 months its like I have to start all over again and "date" her until I regain my power back..

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I happen to believe relationships are nothing but sh1t tests. You get comfortable, you get sort of dependant, then you have to break out of the mold. Yeah, I say you have to keep being independent, and you have to trust.

5th rule of Leykis 101:

[SIZE=-1]Always wear a condom. Even if she is on birth control. No exceptions.[/SIZE]

MAC, I need some more info before I can advise you. I'm confused; is your current FB the mother of your daughter? How long was your LTR with her before you broke it off and then turned it into an FB situation? I need some more of the background story. How old is the woman and how old is your daughter now?

From the gist of what you've typed thus far I can tell you're controlled by this woman, but manipulatively so. What was the reason for your initial break up?

MacAvoy said:

IHowever I feel like she is a natural at this game. Now I don't know if I should tell her I'm moving on and break up with her? I am prepared to take the risk of losing her to get the power but I don't know if it is the right move.

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She is a natural - all women are naturals at covert sexual manipulation. In fact this very feeling, this instinct that you have about this situation, is your subconscious warning you that her behaviors don't match up with her words or intent. In other words, you're getting played.

But before I go off in too much depth I need you to elaborate on the history.

speed dawg said:

Awesome advice. Best post I've ever seen you make Bob. The site is doing you well.



I happen to believe relationships are nothing but sh1t tests. You get comfortable, you get sort of dependant, then you have to break out of the mold. Yeah, I say you have to keep being independent, and you have to trust.

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well I think that this time I rather not think about it or play it out. Same with Mcavoy. Dont think, dont play, just follow your instincts and not your d1ck. Just relax, take this time to do something to improve your life in some way, and create your own space. Rollo is right, she is playing you. Mine probably too. Your letting yourself be dependent. Talking to her or seeing her more then once a week spells trouble. Even for sex. You dont need her, you just want her and you know that. So "tie up your balls" (as my dad says) and let it go. She will come to you. Be strong and good luck!

Rollo Tomassi said:

is your current FB the mother of your daughter? How long was your LTR with her before you broke it off and then turned it into an FB situation? I need some more of the background story. How old is the woman and how old is your daughter now?

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My FB is NOT the mother of my daughter. We were seeing each other for a year before things broke off. This women is 25, I'm 30, my daughter is 8, this is the first time she lives away from home, shes an only child, spoiled and her parents are extremely over protective. If its cold outside, her mom will call her in the morning to make sure she dresses warm.

Rollo Tomassi said:

From the gist of what you've typed thus far I can tell you're controlled by this woman, but manipulatively so. What was the reason for your initial break up?

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The reason for the break up was her parents health. Her fathers blood pressure went through the roof when he found out about me and that she was moving in with me. Her parents felt betrayed that she never told them about me. Basically she broke up with me because it was the only way to get her fathers blood pressure back down somewhat. She didn't want to disappoint them and her concern was there health.

What it comes down to is that she is not able to stand up to them, break away from them.

MacAvoy said:

The reason for the break up was her parents health. Her fathers blood pressure went through the roof when he found out about me and that she was moving in with me. Her parents felt betrayed that she never told them about me. Basically she broke up with me because it was the only way to get her fathers blood pressure back down somewhat. She didn't want to disappoint them and her concern was there health.

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If this is true, it's a one-in-a-million case.

OK now I remember your situation. I just went through all of the threads you've started regarding this girl. MAC, the only way you're going to regain any semblance of power at this stage is to take it back for yourself and LEAVE THIS PSYCHOTIC B!TCH ONCE AND FOR ALL.

Uncharted Teritory
The Market fell out for MacAvoy
Get out now or wait?
Next move?
Driving me crazy

How long MAC? How long have you spent living in this hell? How long has this child been controling you? How long are you going to allow this to continue? What's it going to take? Will you assume control of your own life voluntarily or will it end with you swallowing a bullet?

I'm glad you subscribe to my Cardinal Rule of Relationships, but you are the powerless one in this relationship. Let me explainsomething to you about the nature of power; Power isn't about controlling others. Power is the degree to which you have control over your own life and your own direction. Sometimes this involves directing other people to act in accordance with what you want, but real power comes from being able to freely make your own decisions without being constrained by others. You have the key to your own fukking jail cell MAC, all you have to do is use it to free yourself.

Now think for a minute about how you have power now. Using this idea of power, what can you do for yourself and what options do you have that aren't influenced by other people or outside needs? Think about what your options are and how you excersize your own power. Right about now you're probably thinking "what's this guy talking about? I don't have any power", but you do. You have power in your ability to decide things for yourself.

You know what you need to do, you simply can't pull the trigger, you want somone else to pull you out of this so you have some sense of validation. No one can do this for you MAC, you have to do it yourself. I know, because I was you in a former life. I allowed a complete psychotic to consume me for 4.5 years of my 20s (that I'll never get back). I literally became a different person. If there was anything lower than an AFC I was this. I ignored family, friends, my own direction and ambitons in life, I did everything I could to make myself more fit her misguided and ever-changing expectations of me while all the time being brow beat and psychologically abused for things she suspected or imagined of me. This girl (not an adult) had borderline personality disorder and it made no difference to me because as crazy as she was out of bed, she was just as crazy in bed.

This girl is manipulating you MAC, only you enjoy the manipulation. It's your drug. One that you'll travel 1200 miles for, one that you'll put off your daughter for, one that you'll paralyze your life for.

"Power is the degree to which you have control over your own life and your own direction."

EXCELLENT QUOTE!

I'm going to "borrow it" from you. In fact, I will use this in my real life when talking with people. OUTSTANDING quote...and advice too.

Well I've been heading in the right direction. When I left her place Saturday, I knew that I had to start moving on. However I only knew that because that is what I know the bible says to do, when in reality my heart wasn't into it, I was just preparing myself to do it because I know thats what works.

I've stuck to my guns and have been tryin to decide if this is what I really want, hence the original post on Tuesday. I haven't made contact with her. I decided yesterday I am no longer going to contact her. She has to chase me.

So sure enough the test comes last night. My cell rang, I didn't answer it. My home phone rang, didn't answer that. My cell rang again from her home phone this time and she left me a msg to call her. Didn't return her call last night. I plan on returning her call tonight but if she asks me to do anything, I'm goin to tell her I can't that I have plans.

After that I am not sure what to do beyond that. I'll have to wait and see. Reevaluate. However I feel like I am my own guinea pig, we always see everyone giving advice and AFC's goin on about how this one is different. Well everything I've learned from this site has worked for me and I will dance with the one that brought me, and that my friends is the bible and the DJ principles.

In reality though, I know I am not prepared to cut off all contact and totally break. I will make steps in the right direction though. Positive movement is still movement in the right direction.

MacAvoy said:

I plan on returning her call tonight but if she asks me to do anything, I'm goin to tell her I can't that I have plans.

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Or, alternately, you could be a MAN, stop tormenting yourself by living in the agonizing space between the two options, listen to your gut, and make a DECISION.

Your plan is NOT giving you power back, because you're still NOT making your own decisions. You're still hinging on what she does and constantly re-evaluating instead of manning up and choosing your OWN destiny in accordance with what YOU want.

MacAvoy said:

She has to chase me.

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No, you need to cut yourself off entirely from her. This girl is incapable of an adult relationship and this is damaging you on so many levels you can't keep track of them. Even if this child would chase you (and she will) you will only come right back to where you are now after you get comfortable with her again and she'll do exactly what she's done. It's a viscious cycle - she want's the security you can't provide her because she saps your ability to provide it in her attempts to get it on her own.

Stop contemplating how you can make things different, you can't. The only person who you can control is yourself and you will only get what you've gotten if you keep doing what you've done. Don't return calls, don't try it all over again, you are wasting your time. You're only paralyzing yourself all over again.

Break the cycle MAC. You'll be a much different and much better person for it. You cannot half-way cut her off, you'll only get wrapped up in all this sh!t again and it'll be that much worse.

squirrels said:

Or, alternately, you could be a MAN, stop tormenting yourself by living in the agonizing space between the two options, listen to your gut, and make a DECISION.

Your plan is NOT giving you power back, because you're still NOT making your own decisions. You're still hinging on what she does and constantly re-evaluating instead of manning up and choosing your OWN destiny in accordance with what YOU want.

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I am still having this issue too. let me give a quick sit-rep:
Been dating a girl for a year. Things were fine. then she started trying to make me prove myself. I dont. Then we go on vacation (i promised and it has been a year together) that I planned before the issues. It goes good but she is a little bitc-hy (which i ignore) once a day on vacation and we only have sex 4 times out of the 5 days (which is minimal for us).
we get back and things are out of sorts a little. I tell her that I dont want to go through a whole thing, either we work out or stuff or we make a clean break. She says she loves me and wants to work it out but that we argue too much (about the same about as most couples) and she dont know if she can spend her life with a man like that (which is BS).
So, i stop calling. I stop hanging out. Problem is, so does she. She wanted to see me one day but told her i was busy and I would just stop by on the way (which i did). Then i notice other little things. She sends everyone (including her guy friends) email fwds but not me. Then she doesnt call in the morning like she used to. then i notice when we are talking to this manager that she said she wanted to get a job with (but maybe she is BS?) she is twirling her hair and her legs are crossed his way.
So I, like Macavoy, ignore her and all of the things that SHOULD BE DONE but in my heart I dont care what she wants or doesnt want. I want to go out tonight for wings and house music and want to call her and invite her but SHOULDNT i be showing i have a life without her? Even invite girls that are my friend out too that she is jealous of? I feel like its the wrong move but based on what your saying I want to make the decision to say "fu-ck it, if you want to leave there is the door and I am going out want to come?" I dont want to prove anything. Just go on about my life. with or without her. what is your opinion?
p.s. didnt start my own thread because its the same type of deal (although mine has higher interest level).

Both of these situations are precisely why men need to Spin More Plates.

Rollo Tomassi said:

Both of these situations are precisely why men need to Spin More Plates.

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Its nice advice but I cannot do much more spinning. I work a day job, fix computers at night, and DJ clubs and bars on the weekends. I constantly have the attention of other women and constantly am going out and doing different things. I also have hobbies of computer gaming and house music collecting/djing. I am also about to quit smoking and join jujitsu (Gracie Barra). Dont you think that is enough plate spinning for any woman?

BobFuest said:

Been dating a girl for a year.

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Oh really? I take back my complimentary post, Bob. I looked back at your posts from October of last year up until now, and it's been nothing but drama from low interest level the entire time.

And yes, you did hijack this thread.

The secret to relationships is to quick fukking caring. If you fukk up and act jealous, you better believe more sh1t tests are coming, and they become harder and harder to pass. You better get your sh1t together quick.