i messed up... dare I try to fix it?

OK I really think I blew this one... but I wonder if you guys can help me out.

Basically, a girl has stopped contact with me and I'm wondering whether I should continue talking to her or not. It's a semi-oneitis situation.

She asked me out in my store around six weeks ago. Right away I liked her quite a bit - we got along incredibly well immediately. I definitely figured her for LTR material, which makes her quite different from the random flingy things of late.

So anyway we started seeing each other, which wasn't nearly as often as we'd like. She's a high-level athelete and our schedules are not compatible at all, so it was usually only day "dates" with the occasional nighttime thing.

My problems began immediately though. I couldn't establish a physical rapport with her - we are both nervous around each other and she doesn't drink so no help from alcohol. This got worse and worse as time went on... I kept waiting for the right time... d'oh.

We talked about the relationship sometimes and she said she was worried that I would get frustrated about not seeing her enough. I said it was OK, we'd take it slow. I asked if it was OK about my not being physical, she said yeah slow is fine.

There was a whole six day period where she was away, then she came back and we hung out on a Monday during the day for a bit and then we agreed to hang out the next night.

This is where the problems started. I called her when I got into town, she never called back. Didn't call the next day either, said she was tired (which I have no doubt of: school, athletics, work) and sick. I saw her at school for like an hour on wednesday, she said she'd pop by my work thursday night. She didn't. Didn't call either. Friday I pass her on the street in the evening, she asks if she can call me I say sure, she doesn't call. I call Friday night, no answer. I text the next morning tell her I'd like to hang out that morning, no answer.

Still no answer as of today, a day and a half later. This is very not like her... she was very enthusiastic about us hanging out for a month, and suddenly she's not talking.

I have no idea what's going on. It could be stress, another guy (doubtful), or maybe she's fed up with not being kissed and the such. She might be sick too.

The question is: what do I do now? My friends advise me to just back off and ignore it for now... if she's stressed or sick or questioning things I should wait a few days and see if she calls again and then figure it out from there.

But... considering that I didn't exactly express how I felt about her physically, I wonder if I should let her know somehow that I really did like her and it wasn't a case of disinterest. I could call her, or a short text, or email.

Part of me wants to be all bad-ass and ignore her. She wants to flake, sure. But the other part feels crappy for maybe messing her around and wants to finally express how I feel (felt).

This wouldn't be as big of a deal if I didn't see so much potential in her from the very start. I was really liking her, probably more than anyone else for years.

Crap, sorry for rambling in tried and true AFC style. I'm fighting the oneitis here, but there's this weird feeling that the oneitis may actually be justified this time.

Any advice? Any questions?

But the other part feels crappy for maybe messing her around and wants to finally express how I feel

Click to expand...

Ick. We've all tried expressing how strongly we feel to a woman with falling interest. That has never worked. Dissappearance sometimes does.

I wonder if I should let her know somehow that I really did like her and it wasn't a case of disinterest.

Click to expand...

It IS a case of disinterest. You're calling, and she's not answering her phone. When you bump into her, she makes a vague promise to get together, and bolts, then you don't see her again until you randomly bump into eachother again.

It's disinterest, all right. She's not interested.

I don't know what the nervousness is about, but I don't think she dumped you for not getting physical fast enough. She probably had about 8 brief daytime dates with you (not enough to give you up as gay or anything). Women who get impatient tend to do something obvious, like invite you over to her place. They generally don't dump you over slowness. Did she seem to enjoy kissing/making out with you?

I was really liking her, probably more than anyone else for years.

Click to expand...

And that caused you to want to see her too often. If she has time to see you once a week, then call her once a week. Don't work to squeeze in more visits by calling too much.

good post. you included a lot of info that is helpful.

here is my take...

1) she is NOT questioning whether you like her or not. heck, you've called her a bazillion times. trust me, she KNOWS you like her.

so then why doesn't she call back?

four possibilities...

1) something tramatic has happened in her life and she is dealing with a crisis that is making her question whether she has what it takes to be in a relationship right now. (i give this about a 10% chance).

2) she has issues that are flaring up. peopel are strange. this has happened to me, where im seeing a girl, totally dig her, but then suddenly lose hte desire to see her. for me its usually because im getting distracted from my primary goals in life (ie. my job), and as one element of my life starts to infringe on another i make a choice. there's nothing wrong with the girl at all, but i choose my career instead. it's something im working on but she could be like me in that sense. maybe she started finding her mind always thinking about you and distracting her from her sports ambitions and now doesn't know exactly what to do. (i give this a 30% chance. its low because i'd expect her to cut ties with you more than she has. but that could just be an age thing).

3) in your post you say you are doubtful she's met another guy. hate to throw this at you, but i think this is the most likely what has happened (60% + chance in my opinion). no matter how attracted you are to someone, or them to you, its always possible for someone even more compelling to come along. people are never what they seem at first. and you may not know this girl inside and out. anyway, the signals she is sending definitely suggest that SOMETHING is amiss - and with relationships 90% of the time its a 3rd party.
i mean, who knows, perhaps a quarterback of the football team asked her out - something she never expected in a million years - and out of social status urges she took him up on it. now

4) she is sh*t testing you. she wants to be dominent in the relationship and is making you call and call and call - clearly showing that you WANT her but that she CAN live without you. usually i'd give this a very high likelihood, but athletic chics generally don't pull this kind of sh*t test. (i give this a 10% chance)


anyway, short of asking her why she is behaving the way she is, you won't be able to figure out whic of the above scenarios is going on. it could be any of them, although the odds in my mind are that she's got something new going on. she's spending some time with another guy, but doesn't know if she wants to fully cut you loose yet. so she's keeping distance from you until she knows whether she's going to go with this other guy or not. odds are he would have a higher status than you have (instantly making him the preferred choice) BUT she needs some time to make sure that there is substance behind that status. if there isn't, then she'll come running back to you.

anyway, none of this is reason to be upset. this is a great opportunity for you to practice taking control of your life, emotions, behavior, etc.

there would be an easy way to figure this out, and that is to get her on the phoen and simply ask her out on friday (or whatever day). if she blows you off and avoids setting a date to go out on, then the odds rocket to 99% that she's got something going on with another guy.

the only problem with this however is that you can't seem to get a hold of her on the phone.

if you keep trying to contact her and she's not contacting you back i suggest you move on. i mean, it really doesn't matter why shes disrespecting you (ie. another guy, her sports, issues, etc.), all that matters is that you are being disrespected.

but once again we have a problem, because you confess to be an AFC with oneitis. and instead of protecting yourself when you get disrespected you're instead focused on how you can stay connected. oh, and one of the main factors of oneitis is to OVER estimate how strong the attraction is between two people - guys with oneitis figure because they feel SUCH an attraction then surely she must also (but often times the woman is just feeling a moderate attraction. giving hte signs of interest, but they aren't anywhere near the same intensity that the oneitis guy is feeling).

so my advice is to let this go completely. start talkign to other women. her behavior has made it clear there is no commitment in yoru relationship from her, which means you are single dude, single and free to do what you want.

so play it as though its over and start making other chics. if she comes back your way and has a reason for her behavior and is sorry for it, then give her another shot (maybe). but you gotta move on from this. you've been disrespected numerous times based on your post, DO NOT let this go on for another 6 months.

and do NOT call her up all emotional demanding to know why she is treating you this way. real men don't need some woman to explain why they are behaving one way or another. when a real man gets mistreated, he doesn't let it happen again, and if it does, he walks.

fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me type of mentality.

good luck man. not sure my post will help, but wish ya the best in this.

Phyzzle said:

Ick. We've all tried expressing how strongly we feel to a woman with falling interest. That has never worked. Dissappearance sometimes does.



It IS a case of disinterest. You're calling, and she's not answering her phone. When you bump into her, she makes a vague promise to get together, and bolts, then you don't see her again until you randomly bump into eachother again.

It's disinterest, all right. She's not interested.

I don't know what the nervousness is about, but I don't think she dumped you for not getting physical fast enough. She probably had about 8 brief daytime dates with you (not enough to give you up as gay or anything). Women who get impatient tend to do something obvious, like invite you over to her place. They generally don't dump you over slowness. Did she seem to enjoy kissing/making out with you?



And that caused you to want to see her too often. If she has time to see you once a week, then call her once a week. Don't work to squeeze in more visits by calling too much.

Click to expand...

Maybe I wasn't being clear enough. She did invite me over to her place... within the first week, actually. And she was the one making sure that we never seperated without making plans for the next time we'd see each other.

And, sadly, we never kissed. The biggest thing we did is when we were watching a movie at her place and I pulled her to rest her head on my shoulder, and she took my hand in hers. I was so overcome by this, it was very intense (believe it or not) and by the time the movie was over I was so peaked that I didn't know how to kiss her. Never had a moment like that in my life.

If it's a case of disinterest, it's very sudden and a complete switch in her behaviour.

on and one more thing.

oneitis's almost never work out. primarily because the situation isn't what it seems.

usually with oneitis its not like you are drawn to a chic because of her character or some substantial personality element that you can accurate deduce who she is as a person from.

usually oneitis kicks in due to some wild random mix of variables that just fire off chemicals in your head. a strange combo of physical looks, certain behaviors, whatever.

oneitis also typically occurs when someone is not satisfied with their own life. when a guy starts to see a girl as the key to happiness.

for those who have caught their oneitis, and i've caught a few of them, about 6 months down the road things typically don't work out. you find out that you were seeing them through rose colored glasses. and almost BECAUSE you put them up on such a pedastle, you are even more disappointed when they turn out to be like any other girl out there.

when i get oneitis i usually check myself and remind myself that my judgement is severly impaired and to proceed with EXTREME caution.

If it's a case of disinterest, it's very sudden and a complete switch in her behaviour.

Click to expand...

I know. It always seems to go that way. Check out the 1st thread I started here.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=103080

Some say that chicks hide their interest level, and fake it until it becomes too low to fake. Sometimes I swear, though, a woman's interest fluctuates far more drastically than any man's. This chick went from begging to come to my house and cook for me, and wanting me to fly to another city to meet her mother, to not wanting to touch me. This change happened in a 72 hour span in which I did'nt even see her. To this day, she won't say hi to me, and when I bump into friends of hers, it's obvious she told them some sort of nasty lies about me (no biggie, since I didn't know them well, but sheesh.) I have no idea why. In our last convo, she just cried, and said that "a lot of things are going on." Okay.

I guess I'm in the same boat. I'm just gonna focus my efforts towards girls who want to be with me!

Be the Prize. . .

Huh.

What I'm learning... and MAN is it taking me a long time to learn this... is that girls are great actors. They can make it seem like they're not interested in you when they're dying for it... and then when you're hooked and something else pops up (school, PMS, another guy) they can (consciously or unconsciously) not make it seem like anything is changing for WEEKS.

I'm also learning that their perspective can change in a moment. One week she's all over you, the next, it's over.

I'm not really sure what's up in this case. I know you guys are telling me to back off out of self-respect, but I don't really know what has been happening to cause the confusion... and if it's something outside of her control, or in MY control, I'd still like to do something about it.

At least I know a few other girls willing to hang out... but I don't "feel" anything for them. They're just warm bodies.

Update:

So I hadn't heard from her in three days. Last night I sent a text message, knowing full well she wouldn't answer her phone if I called. Said I wanted to know what was up, was she OK, and something about how much I liked her.

AFC, right?

She emails me, says sorry and admits to full on flaking over the last week. Says that she was stressing out about not being able to see me as much as she wanted to and that she "wasn't able to be in a relationship right now".

Uh Huh. Heard that one before.

But she ends with "what do you think". Hrm.

So I email her back. Call her on a little bit of her bullsh*t about how she was so busy, and ask if the only relationship she can see between us is something where we see each other constantly. I also said that I think she's really just letting me down easy and that it's obviously over. Finish with "I'd still like to talk about this, because I don't quite understand what you're saying".

Send it off, sit there kind of depressed assuming it's over. Though I am happy for speaking my mind.

This morning... oops, there's another email. She wants to talk.

I am quite surprised by this. I thought it was done for sure.

But you know what? Know that I know she's still interested in SOMETHING... I feel so much better and not so oneitis-y.

Is there a lesson here (besides "kiss her right away")? Maybe to not give up too early, but if you DO make an extra effort to get in touch with a girl that's flaked on you, there is a careful balance between being sucky/AFC and DJ. If I'd been all "I love you" she'd have freaked and started to worry that I was too attached. If I'd been all "I don't care, do what you want" then she would have thought I'd turned all bitter.

So we'll see what happens. All I know is that if something works out and I can see her in some kind of casual thing, great. If not, well, there's other fish in the sea.

You're hanging in there hoping her interest level will change and suddenly rise back to the top. I say disappear. Drop out of sight and don't return her calls.

When she said she: "wasn't able to be in a relationship right now". That's the only information you need. Translation: "Not feelin it for you..." Sucks, but its true.

Everything jokerr31 said is dead-on too BTW.

dude, i feel for ya, but you are in full AFC mode right now.

its like a game of poker and you lost all your chips. now you're begging the house to loan you some money so that you can lose even more!!!!

i want you to imagine for a second that some chic was head over heels for you. she was ok, but she wasnt your dream girl. you dont know whether to waste your time on her and see where things go or just walk away.

when she asks you "whats going on, how come you aren't calling?" what are you going to say? most likely "you know, i'm just not ready for a relationship right now."

dude, if drove up to your house with a porsche and a huge suitcase of money would you say "sorry joekerr, im just not in the mood for a car and bag of money, thanks though." i don't give a f*ck if you are puking your guts out and have a fever of 105, you're going to drop to your knees and thank the gods and take the car and money.

based on your last update im more convinced than ever that she's got something on the side. its likely an alpha male that she knows is probably going to f*ck her brains out a few times then dump her.

it may suck, but this chic has probably fallen for someone else. the fact that she keeps you hanging though tells me that she probably thinks she's going to get burned by this new guy and that it won't last. and perhaps after having her brains f*cked out she'll be "ready" for a "nice" guy like you.

whether i'm right or wrong, ALL the signs are NOT in your favor in this situation.

i predict you'll keep trying to get her to be honest about her feeling or whatever, she'll keep giving you the run around, you'll get upset, she'll say she can't be with someone who acts liek that, you'll blow up and call her a b*tch and walk away angry.

but hopefully in the end you'll take one step closer to realizing that when a woman treats you the way this one is - WALK AWAY!

best of luck man. hope this ends relatively painless.

gr8one said:

Be the one who Fu<ks her brains out! . . .first. LoL

Maybe that'll teach her. Gonna Go For It.

Click to expand...

With due respect, gr8one. Please don't post this. Its going to affect him.

Your post will mislead guys with Oneitis with the strong desire to try too hard to attempt to Fu<k her. and the Oneitis will indirectly get stronger.

I was once in Oneitis and mislead and thinking/research of ideas to F my Oneitis. It causes my oneitis to get worse due to indirect investment, <internally investing time to research about ways to attain her>

Too much investment and analysizing cause Oneitis to worsen.

Well, nice to see you're all toeing the party line... "if a girl comes even close to not blowing you the first night you meet, dump her".

OK, so I'm half kidding. I've done the same thing on this board... telling any guy who comes on here with a girlfriend issue to "next" her no matter what the situation is.

But this is MY case, and I'm telling you it's not as simple as it sounds. This isn't some frickin' high school cheerleader who grew up on Puff Daddy videos hoping for some guy in a Mustang to pick her up off the street. If you're right and she's been nabbed by some super-alpha stud, well, it would be the first time in her case I'm sure.

And if it is... well, she's gone anyhow. But my impression of her from when I met her two months ago is still the same... she's nervous and more than a little unsure of herself. She's stressed out. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

We're going to meet and talk. If she shows signs of waffling on this, I'm going to call her on it, believe me. I've spent a lot of time on this board and have learned the benefits of standing your ground and learning when to get the hell out.

Anyhow, I'm wasting too much time here blabbing about this. It's kind of a therapy while I wait and see what happens with this whole thing.

And just so you know, I am seeing another girl tomorrow night. Nothing serious, just fooling around stuff from a while ago. That might help me stay away from the oneitis.

Yep, its always different when its happening to us, and really, most cases are way too complicated to put all the details here. Nobody would read it, too long.

It all boils down to your choice and how much crap you are willing to put up with and if you think she's worth it.

I think the advice here is trying to spare you some pain, save your sanity. I mean, think how much THINKING you are doing on this girl. It does not have to be that hard or complicated.

OK I really think I blew this one... but I wonder if you guys can help me out.

Click to expand...

Yes, you did.

She asked me out in my store around six weeks ago. Right away I liked her quite a bit - we got along incredibly well immediately. I definitely figured her for LTR material, which makes her quite different from the random flingy things of late.

Click to expand...

You don't know if a person is a long term material...until after weeks of dating the person and dealing with hurdles and problems (when things got perfect, ANYONE become "LTR material"...you only know when things start going bad). Another thing, she asked you out, so she had some real interest in you.

My problems began immediately though. I couldn't establish a physical rapport with her - we are both nervous around each other and she doesn't drink so no help from alcohol. This got worse and worse as time went on... I kept waiting for the right time... d'oh.

Click to expand...

If there is not physical rapport, then you guys are not for each other. And she is not THAT nervous. After all, she asked you out. I think the problem is you. And she sensed it.

We talked about the relationship sometimes and she said she was worried that I would get frustrated about not seeing her enough.

Click to expand...

"Let me worry about that." {smile} Tends to be the answer to such comments. It automatically puts you in charge.

I said it was OK, we'd take it slow. I asked if it was OK about my not being physical, she said yeah slow is fine.

Click to expand...

"Take it slow" = "no sex" = possibility of another man taking her from you.

Huge mistake. As sex is the ONLY thing that can guarrantee a woman 100% attention to ONE man. And that is...if it happens to be great sex (note: it is normal for sex to become "ok" at the begining and turn into GREAT as you get to know her at the intimate level).

There was a whole six day period where she was away, then she came back and we hung out on a Monday during the day for a bit and then we agreed to hang out the next night.

This is where the problems started. I called her when I got into town, she never called back. Didn't call the next day either, said she was tired (which I have no doubt of: school, athletics, work) and sick. I saw her at school for like an hour on wednesday, she said she'd pop by my work thursday night. She didn't. Didn't call either. Friday I pass her on the street in the evening, she asks if she can call me I say sure, she doesn't call. I call Friday night, no answer. I text the next morning tell her I'd like to hang out that morning, no answer.

Click to expand...

Well...either she is playing games or trule facing some issues. However, when a woman TRULY wants a man...she would do whatever possible to be with that man. You see? She ASKED you out when you first met each other. Why did she ask you out? Because she WANTED to be with you.

Now, why is she flaking on you now? See?

Still no answer as of today, a day and a half later. This is very not like her... she was very enthusiastic about us hanging out for a month, and suddenly she's not talking.

Click to expand...

Maybe she is in the process of meeting another man. One that has shown interest in her.

Now...let's assume she comes to a Forum similar to this one and tells us HER story and how YOU are reacting. What do you think people will tell her?

a) Maybe he has sexual issues (diseases, problems getting hard, virginity, etc.)
b) Maybe he has a girlfriend somewhere
c) Maybe he is gay
d) Maybe he has some serious emotional issues
e) Maybe he is not "that into you"

I have no idea what's going on. It could be stress, another guy (doubtful), or maybe she's fed up with not being kissed and the such. She might be sick too.

Click to expand...

It could be a combination of all of the above. But, who cares? What you should focus is what can YOU change from the above? You are not a doctor, so if she is sick, there is nothing you can do about. However, not being kissed and the such? Can you do something about that?

The question is: what do I do now? My friends advise me to just back off and ignore it for now... if she's stressed or sick or questioning things I should wait a few days and see if she calls again and then figure it out from there.

Click to expand...

I will have to think about this more. But I personally don't think that ignoring her is the right approach. Unless, she decides to ignore you 100%.

One month without a kiss? Dude...I would have advice her LONG TIME ago to Next You. And I am very honest about this.

But... considering that I didn't exactly express how I felt about her physically, I wonder if I should let her know somehow that I really did like her and it wasn't a case of disinterest.

Click to expand...

Don't explicate...simply demostrate (as Rollo says).

But...you can always make up some b.s. story (lie) in order to explain yourself. It is a manipulative tool. Former Players that are current D.J.s use that technique from time to time when they truly mess up.

Part of me wants to be all bad-ass and ignore her.

Click to expand...

You already have ignored her...as a woman.

She wants to flake, sure. But the other part feels crappy for maybe messing her around and wants to finally express how I feel (felt).

Click to expand...

You don't express that with words. You express that with actions. I will tell you more...MAYBE you might have to make some story up to explain your behavior. I know...it is manipulative...but it is more of a damage control thing.

This wouldn't be as big of a deal if I didn't see so much potential in her from the very start.

Click to expand...

"take it slow"..."physically awckward"..."no kiss (one-month 'hanging-out')". Hmmmm...that does not sound like potential in her from the very start. It shows you have NO interest in a relationship with her. Put yourself in her shoes.

I was really liking her, probably more than anyone else for years.

Click to expand...

We know that, because you are telling us. She doesn't know that...because you NEVER showed it to her. Heck, she was the one that asked you out!

Crap, sorry for rambling in tried and true AFC style.

Click to expand...

Dude...you are in distress. That does not make you an AFC.

I'm fighting the oneitis here, but there's this weird feeling that the oneitis may actually be justified this time.

Click to expand...

It is not justified...do you know why? Because you are NOT in a "committed relationship". No kiss = no relationship.

Now...if you two were kissing and in a committed relationship and she was RECIPROCATING to you the same feelings...then "oneitis" in that case would be more than justified.

Guys don't talk about relationships with their women!

It screams wimp when you are a willing participant talking about "relationships."

Have you even done KINO with her during these 2 months since you've known her? You even said it yourself bud, she's athletic and you're not and you know this. Girls don't wanna date a guy that has very little in common with each other. Whether physical and/or intellectual! Go ahead and disappear like what the rest of the guys say, if she hasn't changed her feelings much for you if you do see her then it's just a friends thing. If she doesn't contact you in those 2 weeks of disappearance, you're nothing but chump change to her!

joekerr31 said:

on and one more thing.

oneitis's almost never work out. primarily because the situation isn't what it seems.

usually with oneitis its not like you are drawn to a chic because of her character or some substantial personality element that you can accurate deduce who she is as a person from.

usually oneitis kicks in due to some wild random mix of variables that just fire off chemicals in your head. a strange combo of physical looks, certain behaviors, whatever.

oneitis also typically occurs when someone is not satisfied with their own life. when a guy starts to see a girl as the key to happiness.

for those who have caught their oneitis, and i've caught a few of them, about 6 months down the road things typically don't work out. you find out that you were seeing them through rose colored glasses. and almost BECAUSE you put them up on such a pedastle, you are even more disappointed when they turn out to be like any other girl out there.

when i get oneitis i usually check myself and remind myself that my judgement is severly impaired and to proceed with EXTREME caution.

Click to expand...

well said. hall of fame post right there.

Oh, I have been the KING of oneitis in the past. Trust me, I know all about it... I'm 32 and have had pretty serious unrequited crushes on at LEAST 20 girls over that span.

I'm getting much better now, which has helped in this last situation... thanks a lot to SoSuave, though.

No updates here... but I just wanted to say to Latinoman that I am very impressed with your last post (though you obviously missed the last update). Usually I am VERY not impressed with your posts... they seem too "macho" for me. But it appears you really took the time on this one and gave some good points.

Funnily enough, at one point you mention how she had pointed out how she didn't want to stress over the relationship being kind of part-time... and you said that I should say something to the effect of "let me worry about that". You know what? That's exactly what I said, in that last email. Wierd.

Anyhow, off I go. Meeting a different girl for drinks... one from my past that I'm not really that into long-term but is good for fooling around. I'm meeting THE girl (heh) tomorrow at some point... so hopefully tonight will leave me feeling less "oneitised".

I'm sorry but someone has to b*tch-slap this poster.

He's like "We've been dating for about a month, but the trouble started about four weeks ago.".

Dude, did you ever even kiss this girl?

The girl has zero interest level.

Should you be bad ass? Stop being bad period.