Assertiveness

Freddy1

Master Don Juan
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Many people have difficulty speaking up in conflict situations. Others may feel intimidated by pushy people, or have low self-esteem and regularly put aside their own desires in favor of what others want. This can result in a variety of psychological problems, especially depression, with feelings of low self-esteem and helplessness. Lack of assertiveness makes you feel powerless. If you want to move away from AFCism this is a skill all guys must have. I personal have some holes in this area but I have learnt how to be more and more assertive in dealing with social situations. You have to learn how to say No sometimes and exert how you feel and not feel guilty for having to say it. Learn to get mad :box:

* The right to decide how to lead your life. This includes pursuing you own goals and dreams and establishing you own priorities.

* The right to your own values, beliefs, opinions, and emotions- and the right to respect yourself for them, no matter the opinion of others.

* The right not to justify or explain your actions or feelings to others.

* The right to tell others how you wish to be treated.

* The right to express yourself and to say, "No," "I don't know," "I don't understand," or even "I don't care." You have the right to take the time you need to formulate you ideas before expressing them.

* The right to ask for information or help - without having negative feelings about your needs.

* The right to change your mind, to make mistakes, and to sometimes act illogically- with full understanding and acceptance of the consequences.

* The right to like yourself even though you're not perfect, and sometimes do less than you are capable of doing.

* The right to have positive, satisfying relationships within which you feel comfortable and free to express yourself honestly- and the right to change or end relationships if they don't meet your needs.

* The right to change, enhance, or develop you life in any way you determine.

When you don't believe you have these rights- you may react very passively to circumstances and events in your life. When you allow the needs, opinions, and judgments of others to become more important than your own, you are likely to feel hurt, anxious, and even angry. This kind of passive or nonassertive behavior is often indirect, emotionally dishonest, and self-denying.

Many people feel that attending to their legitimate needs and asserting their rights translates to being concerned about only your rights, with little or no regard for others. Implicit in your rights is the fact that you are concerned about the legitimate rights of others as well.


Specific Techniques for Assertiveness

1. Be as specific and clear as possible about what you want, think, and feel. The following statements project this preciseness:

"I want to..."

"I don't want you to..."

"Would you...?"

"I liked it when you did that."

"I have a different opinion. I think that..."

"I have mixed reactions. I agree with these aspects for these reasons, but I am disturbed about these aspects for these reasons." It can be helpful to explain exactly what you mean and exactly what you don't mean, such as "I don't want to break up over this, but I'd like to talk it through and see if we can prevent it from happening again."

2. Be direct. Deliver your message to the person for whom it is intended. If you want to tell Jane something, tell Jane; do not tell everyone except Jane; do not tell a group, of which Jane happens to be a member.

3. "Own" your message. Acknowledge that your message comes from your frame of reference, your conception of good vs. bad or right vs. wrong, your perceptions. You can acknowledge ownership with personalized ("I") statements such as "I don't agree with you" (as compared to "Your wrong") or "I'd like you to mow the lawn" (as compared to "You really should mow the lawn, you know"). Suggesting that someone is wrong or bad and should change for his or her own benefit when, in fact, it would please you will only foster resentment and resistance rather than understanding and cooperation.

4. Ask for feedback, "Am I being clear? How do you see this situation? What do you want to do?" Asking for feedback can encourage others to correct any misperceptions you may have as well as help others realize that you are expressing an opinion, feeling, or desire rather than a demand. Encourage others to be clear, direct, and specific in their feedback to you.
Learning to Become More Assertive

As you learn to become more assertive, remember to use your assertive "skills" selectively. It is not just what you say to someone verbally, but also how you communicate nonverbally, with voice tone, gesture, eye contact, facial expression, and posture that will influence your impact on others. You must remember that it takes time and practice, as well as a willingness to accept yourself as you make mistakes, to reach the goal of acting assertively. As you practice your techniques, it is often helpful to have accepting relationships and supportive environment. People who understand and care about you are your strongest assets.
 
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