Update: The market for Macavoy just fell out

Heres the situation. G/f has been emotional all week, crying, upset that she's let her parents down. Apparantly I'm not up to their standards because I have a daughter from a previous relationship. Also the fact that I don't have a degree is not up to their standards. There a materialistic bunch.

After my g/f went to bed Friday night, my roommate came home, I ended up getting drunk with him. We both worked Saturday. She tried telling me I need to quit drinking, not about to back down, knowing this was going to be an ongoing issue, I stand my ground, tell her if she don't like it too bad, suck it up. When she starts on about something else, I tell her I'm going to have a drink right now. (just doin it to get her goat, make her realize I'm the man, not going to back down.

I was there for her this week as much as I could be, played the supportive role without being simply a tampon.

This morning she wakes to tell me after a night of watching movies and pizza that she can't do this anymore. I tell her to start packing her stuff and go to her parents then. She wants me to move back home (Ontario - I'm in Halifax now, 1200 miles away, moved here to be with her) so that I can be with my daughter and family.

Realizing that this is her way out, to break up with out feeling bad and try to put a spin on it. I tell her thats fine, if you don't want this, I'm down with that. I ask her if she wants me to move out or if she is? She says she wants me to go home, I tell her fine, I'll find a place and be moved out by Thursday.

After some debating, I fvck her one more time, just to let her know I'm boss. We lied in bed about an hour, she kept tryin to get me to talk to her. I merely replied whats left to talk about. She wanted me to take the lead and give her a way out.

She then says this isn't about her. That she wants me to be with my family. Then she also says she's not going to be able to move on if I stay here. I tell her thats not my problem.

What are your thoughts on how I handled the situation? I thought I did a very good job. Conducted myself as a DJ, maintained composer and took the high road. Any suggestions?

Damn bro. Sounds pretty rough. I think you handled things pretty well. You were tested several times and stood your ground. She would've left either way but at least you have your dignity and didn't offer to change your life for her. I'm curious if she will really leave. Keep your chin up bro.

Hey MacAvoy.

A fellow Canuk myself. It seems not all is well in the land of cohabitation bliss. Remember, this is going to be the most blunt honesty you are ever going to hear. Take it for what it is worth. Keep that which is useful, discard the rest as the ramblings of an idiot. It does not matter to me. It is your life.

It really should not matter what your prior status is with respect to children or past relationships to her parents, have a degree etc… BUT you have to realize these are the most important people in your girlfriends life. Obviously, I don’t have to state they are going to have a HUGE impact on her life and yours. They may be materialistic, but I don’t know them. If it were my daughter, I would be more concerned that you love her and you are both comfortable with your future level of income/living regardless of how well off she grew up. Do not mistake a girls parents as being materialistic when all they are doing is trying to be sure she will be taken care of and loved.

I also do no have to tell you that alcohol, while a temporary escape, does not get rid of the problem you face. We all cope in our own ways and alcohol is a popular method. But no matter the method, we have to face the problems in our lives and deal with them. If we do not, then we are simply afraid to grow up and become more mature adults. It is not the drinking I have anything against, but the ESCAPE that drink provides to those who do not want to make the tough choices they have to make in order to be happy in life and mature along the way.

In my observation… your girlfriend telling you to stop drinking is not wrong… she CLEARLY cares about you. You were not a “man” in standing up to her. Threatening… and that is what you did… to “drink right now” in front of her is the complete opposite of being a Don Juan. Realizing your “the man” is not being a child and throwing a tantrum when someone clearly is asking you to stop hurting yourself and your relationship. BEING the man is learning to accept that you can do as a woman asks by your OWN choice… because in doing so, you will mature and become a better person. Tell me… can you really argue against the logic of putting down the bottle… to stop getting “drunk”, not to stop drinking… and grow up a little? I do not know you, but you are beginning to sound like a guy you runs around with the boys, two fisting beers until the wee hours and acting all “alpha” but on the inside… you are a child who can not admit when he cares for a girl and grow up a little when the time has come.

If your drinking… and it is your words… is going to be an ongoing issue… then let this girl go and find a girl that LOVES to get pissed and can drink you under the table if that is what you value. Oh wait… you only go for angels… could it be because those drunk party girls are women you would NEVER consider a long term relationship with? I wonder why your “angel” is bothering to fight for you… maybe she loves you?

“I was there for her this week as much as I could be, played the supportive role without being simply a tampon.”

I won’t even comment on how much of a tool this makes you sound with a woman who you are planning to marry?

“This morning she wakes to tell me after a night of watching movies and pizza that she can't do this anymore.”

Sounds like the girl is wisening up. Some girls love the challenge of “changing” the bad boy into her gentlemen. Most men will hate her for trying to change him (cough cough). Most women will never give up. But there are a smart few… very few… women who see the light and dump a man they love because he is not getting with the program!!!

It is not her way out.. she is telling you that your BEHAVIOUR is not something she wants long term. She DOES think that far, all women do and you clearly are not. It is IMPORTANT to her that you stop drinking.

“After some debating, I fvck her one more time, just to let her know I'm boss.”

Drive a big truck to do ya? Lots of horse power. Makes lots of noise. You can throw down in a bar fight when disrespected to show people you cannot be intimidated. (rolls eyes.. sarcasm of course) You do realize that reading this, your “girlfriend” is at this point consenting to borderline assault if that is the attitude you have towards her considering she has asked you to leave.

“We lied in bed about an hour, she kept tryin to get me to talk to her. I merely replied whats left to talk about. She wanted me to take the lead and give her a way out.”

No… she wanted you to actually show her you can feel something. She wants to know that all this time she invested in you… in coming to love all the good things you cannot see in yourself… that you value the good times you have had and in giving her body to you, you appreciate her and can show some vulnerability. She wants to hear that you love her and since you obviously do not, you won’t tell her. Or maybe you are afraid that this angel actually likes the boy she sees in the "man" who is afraid to admit he actually cares for someone other than himself.

I think the attraction to the bad boy or player is not so much the challenge of taming an uncontrollable man so much as getting these men to actually connect with their hearts and FEEL something towards themselves and therefore toward life.

“She then says this isn't about her. That she wants me to be with my family. Then she also says she's not going to be able to move on if I stay here. I tell her thats not my problem.”

Wow. Here is a woman whose only thought is of YOU and how to be sure YOU are happy, even without her, and all you can think of is yourself?

Yep… you’re the man. Ten times the man I am. I am a eunuch compared to you. I could never be that “manly.” I guess I am just a guy in a skirt. You have my complete “respect” and “envy” as a “real man.”

“What are your thoughts on how I handled the situation? I thought I did a very good job. Conducted myself as a DJ, maintained composer and took the high road. Any suggestions?”

I think you were a total…

Then again, you are with a girl and I am not. Then again, I could NEVER do what you have done to someone I love.

If you are still reading this and if you can calmly see my words for what they are… a way of getting you to see yourself in the mirror… go and see this movie.

http://www.apple.com/trailers/dreamworks/thelastkiss/

It is NOT what you think. This is by far the most human and uncontrived relationship movie I have EVER seen. Funny, sad, and honest to the very core.

In it, some advice is given to the main character and it goes like this:

What you feel only matters to you.

It’s what you do to the people you love that counts.

I want you to LOOK at what you feel for this girl… and then LOOK at the actions you have taken towards her. More importantly, you can never know what she feels for you… but you can SEE her actions towards you… what she does to you to show she cares.

You my friend are afraid of being a real human being.

Being a “man” has nothing to do with it.

My deepest sympathies and regrets for your situation and my prayers are with you both.

All the best,

Maximus

What are your thoughts on how I handled the situation? I thought I did a very good job. Conducted myself as a DJ, maintained composer and took the high road. Any suggestions?

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Marlimus gave you an earful!! But I say both of you acted pretty reasonably given the circumstances.

She said "change" you said "no" she said "let's break up" you said "OK". Sounds fine to me.

The only problem with your post, McAvoy, is that it SEEMS like you might be blaming the girl for being shallow or making excuses, but she's just being straight with you.

I mean, if I dated a single mommy with no degree that my parents hated who drank a lot, what would I do?

And if I told her to cut back, and she responded by cracking open the next bottle of Jack, I would ask her to go back and take care of her kid instead of staying with me. Makes sense. Just put yourself in her place. Neither of you did anything that I can blame you for.

You're right MacAvoy. Maybe you followed her there, but she doesn't give the orders anymore, so don't go back anywhere if you don't want to.

You realise of course that if you had said that you had to leave because her parents would never accept you and you initiated it, she would have begged you to stay.

If the market for MacAvoy is falling maybe you should go short. I would have suggested that in future she should check with her parents before she spends time with any man. Maybe they could do a traditional match make for her. It would not be nice spending a lifetime with someone whose parents have so much control over them.

Wondering what to do now .... on Sunday, I told her I was moving out on Thursday. Before I was going out for the day on Sunday, she asked to make sure I was coming back Sunday night and spending the night there.

Sunday night go to bed, woke up around 4am with a piss hard on so hard it hurt. Talked to her for a bit, got a little AFC, not too badly though, just told her how I felt a little, nothing extreme. Then had sex with her.

Last night, I felt like I should be gettin out of their. Didn't get home till 11 pm after a 14 hr day at work. She asked me about plans for Tuesday's game, said everything is the same, we bought NHL tickets costing us $200. Then later she says she wants to go to dinner before the game. So we have a dinner date to go to this new chinese restaurant we being trying.

I try to keep as much distance as possible, sleeping on top of the covers with a different blanket. She kept reaching over to touch me.

Everything that I know about DJ principles says walk away. I'm tryin to do that and she's making small overtures, but I keep telling myself don't fall for these little traps so she can win and leave on her terms with me AFC pining over her. I swear women want men to pine over them long after there gone.

It seems weird being in the situation where its my life and not just advice I'm giving to someone else. I'm going to keep on with the plans to move out and if she tries to change her mind, I'm going to make her beg to make me stay.

We just signed a 1 yr lease and she's going to have to rely on her parents heavily to pay for it. I was paying all the rent, bills and groceries as she is in her last year of school and didn't apply for a loan. If she wants me to stay, I'm not sure I am willing to pay the way for a flake.

If you signed the lease and decide to leave, I would suggest that you get the lease assigned to her only or her and her parents if she wants to stay, so that you are not liable for any rent default or anything else.

If she can't pay in your absence, then she should go, not you. Who paid for the NHL tickets?

You shouldn't be taking this from some one who is what in your country is referred to as a "common law" wife. She has a real nerve whining about her parents dislike for someone who is basically supporting her financially. Maybe you will find that when she finishes her course, you are just not good enough for her (something her parents have always been telling her).