Absurd online "laundry list"

I could not help but respond.

Here's part of a profile I came across from a 35 year-old woman who's seeking a 28-36 year-old man who lives within 15 miles of her and wants children:

Here is a well thought out idea of what kind of guy I am interested in... 5'10" or taller, lives near by, compassionate, intelligent, giving, VERY Attractive (someone other than your mother or sister has said so lol)and in shape, prefer self employed, FAMILY orientated, open to new spontaneous things, likes to camp, likes to golf, wants children, would be a good father and faithful husband, a gentleman, gives me my space when I need it, not a nerd or too sarcastic, can take a hint, social, calls for no reason, remembers sending a note or a nominal gift IS romantic and necessary, respectful, sense of humor, and thinks the world of me. I am not interested in anyone older than 41 and anyone who makes less money than me since I do not plan on changing the lifestyle I have grown accustom to and hope to one day be a stay at home mom and furthermore... my children will never want for ANYTHING (but of course will not be spoiled brats either lol). You should also love animals I am not attracted to red heads at all lol sorry.

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My response:

Let's see, (screen name).

I don't consider myself VERY attractive, so I'm not writing as a potential match.

But your "laundry list" just begs for a bit of logical analysis:

You're looking for someone within 15 miles of (her outer suburban city). Being very generous, that's a starting pool of about 1,000,000, of which about 500,000 are men. Age 28-36 is probably about 1/5 of that, being very generous again, leaving 100,000. Average or athletic and over 5'10" narrows it down to about 30,000-40,000. Let's again be generous and say 40,000.

Now here's where it gets interesting. VERY attractive. Let's call that the top 10 percentile of the pool, which narrows it down to about 4,000. Of those, probably no more than 200 are unmarried, unattached, and not blatant swingers. These guys do have their options, being the elite of the attractive, mind you. Of those, probably about 40 would tend to be faithful lovers and good husbands. Income over 50K ... 40K is the national average, so figuring these guys tend to make a bit more, that narrows it down to about 20 or so. Self-employed, maybe 1 in 5, being very generous. That leaves 4. Loves golf ... that leaves 2. Of those, probably 1 enjoys camping.

Best of luck finding him... I hope he has a sense of humor and wants kids (oops, forgot those ones).

Nice work, though I doubt that she would ever really get your point, even though it is a simple statistical one. Luckily for her, that one guy she is targetting is probably only concerned about what she looks like. So she doesn't have to worry about as many things.

With her luck the remaining guy will like animals, (he'll be a big game hunter or something)

If any man responds to this silly a$$ bytch with any serious intentions, he needs to be lynched for real!! Funny how superficial women can blatantly be. This sorry a$$ piece of crap deserves whatever she runs across. Bottom line if any man does respond, he can't say she didn't warn him.

Thing is, if I put up a pic of a male model on my profile, she'd probably be crazy for me. Because probably all she gets is chumps trying to show how well they meet her absurd criteria.

P.S., Great sig, ElChoclo. H.L. was the shyte.

For sh1tz and giggles I just reply to profiles like this with "Read your profile; interesting. So tell me, what exactly do you have to offer?" I've yet to receive a response from any of these notes... Go figure....

I was going to say, what is the trade off? Do I get a guaranteed blowj0b every night? She'd better fukk like a pornstar and have the body of Jessica Alba with a list like that. I'd love to know what her description is.

Of course the purpose of that list may just be to get a rise from the guys reading it,..

Hey, not defending her, but its a dating site. She wants to weed out men to who she feels she would be interested in instead of wasting her time on 200 emails from men she wouldn't be. Don't take it so personally.

Rollo Tomassi said:

...Of course the purpose of that list may just be to get a rise from the guys reading it,..

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Absolutely. Guy's who jump at any instance where they feel that they have to prove their manhood; even if its a fool's errand. These women's profiles are easily identified, they usually begin with "I'm looking for a real man..." In other words, "I'm looking for a AFC who doesn't know how a man is defined and will put up with my sh1t just to prove that he can't be beaten."

Rollo Tomassi said:

Of course the purpose of that list may just be to get a rise from the guys reading it,..

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*scrambling for a red flag... finds none left to throw*


Again, I'm reminded of "A Telltale Heart" by Poe.

Let's see... something about a rap-a-tap-tapping:

"Yes! I'm psycho! Over there... pry up the floorboards and see! It is my biological clock! Ticking! TICKING! Ever TICKING!!! I CONFESS! Knock me up and throw away the key!"

I've come across these types. Not surprising that they've had their profile up for a few years continually. I'm not doing the online thing right now, but I'll log on and surf around from time to time...and they're still there!

When I was on match I noticed this happen several times with women who just joined:

What they're looking for:

Body: Athletic&Toned
Height: 6'1"-7'0"
Income: $75K-$100K

Several weeks of reality later:

Body: Average,Athletic&Toned,Few extra pounds
Height: 5'9"-7'0"
Income: Any

cordoncordon said:

Hey, not defending her, but its a dating site. She wants to weed out men to who she feels she would be interested in instead of wasting her time on 200 emails from men she wouldn't be. Don't take it so personally.

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Perhaps, but what does she have to offer in return? She needs to show her hand in that any guy with those traits and any sense can be selective. Would you go to a store and buy for $1000 an unlabeled box without any idea what it may contain just because you could afford it?

One thing she does know, there's an AFC around every corner (at least in America) and a guy willing to take on a woman with kids, demands, b-tchiness, the whole bag ... many of my friends have bought that deal and are miserable.

It's an AFC society, women know this, and there's always a wimp around the corner.

Remember, this is what she's "saying" but as one sig line says here, observe what women do, not what they say. Often what they do is in direct opposite of what they say. Most likely she wants any man who will take on her kids.

I'm not offended or amused. To me it's the same ol' song and dance from today's modern woman.

I would respond and LIE by saying..."I happen to have all the qualities you described in your add! However, why would I want to have children with a woman that is past her prime at 35? You are nuts!!! However, I'm available for sex."

WestCoaster said:

One thing she does know, there's an AFC around every corner (at least in America) and a guy willing to take on a woman with kids, demands, b-tchiness, the whole bag ... many of my friends have bought that deal and are miserable.

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EXACTLY. Actually, I personally think her list is reasonable for a life partner (and not incredibly shallow)...but it wouldn't even be that "picky" if this country wasn't so overrun with desperate AFCs dying to stick it in every single hole that walks by.

Cuz, I can guarantee you that no matter what she looks like, she will still have PLENTY of responses to that ad to choose from. And, if she is even halfway attractive, she will have to beat them off with a stick.

Problem is we have a closed market in this country, due largely to geographic isolation. Which means we have to either fix our gender relations here on our own or outsource foreign puzzy.

There's a fine line between a woman knowing what she wants, and a woman vividly describing the man who broke her heart in the past who she is still in love with.

wayword said:

Problem is we have a closed market in this country, due largely to geographic isolation. Which means we have to either fix our gender relations here on our own or outsource foreign puzzy.

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Boy, that quote is spot on. I'm for the outsourcing. It's easier to move on than to fix something.

I'm always amazed when I go grocery shopping and I see women 300 pounds or more with hubby and kids. I always wonder a couple of things: How did she get married and how did he want to get it on.

There is absolutely no shortage of AFCs in this country. Most men -- whoops, wrong term, most AFCs -- can't stand being alone. They'd rather settle for something bad than hold out for something good.

WestCoaster said:

Boy, that quote is spot on. I'm for the outsourcing. It's easier to move on than to fix something.

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Well, actually both would work hand-in-hand.

I liken it to American cars in the 70s. They had a stranglehold on the market with no real competition. People only had about 3 domestic brands to choose from, which were all about the same (crap). Ergo, these cars quickly became the biggest, ugliest, high-maintenance, lowest-quality products around.

Then came the Japanese imports. They were smaller, lower-maintenance, higher-quality and cheaper. Real no-brainer here. People were no longer forced to put up with US BS! Cuz now they had a better OPTION!

Ergo, American automakers could no longer screw over the American car buyers. They were forced to COMPETE and improve their product. Although, in the end, they still can't compete that well and foreign cars are making domestic models OBSOLETE.

So, let's do the same thing, fellas! DON'T DATE/MARRY AMERICAN, DATE/MARRY FOREIGN (when possible)! Cuz only when domestic demand drops will domestic quality ever improve!

wayword said:

Well, actually both would work hand-in-hand.

I liken it to American cars in the 70s. They had a stranglehold on the market with no real competition. People only had about 3 domestic brands to choose from, which were all about the same (crap). Ergo, these cars quickly became the biggest, ugliest, high-maintenance, lowest-quality products around.

Then came the Japanese imports. They were smaller, lower-maintenance, higher-quality and cheaper. Real no-brainer here. People were no longer forced to put up with US BS! Cuz now they had a better OPTION!

Ergo, American automakers could no longer screw over the American car buyers. They were forced to COMPETE and improve their product. Although, in the end, they still can't compete that well and foreign cars are making domestic models OBSOLETE.

So, let's do the same thing, fellas! DON'T DATE/MARRY AMERICAN, DATE/MARRY FOREIGN (when possible)! Cuz only when domestic demand drops will domestic quality ever improve!

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The thing is...the American Car Companies took the American customers for granted.

Now they are paying the consequences.

Women can potentially experience the same.

Rollo's Personal Ad

Like pretty much anything else that's female-centric all you really have to do is reverse the genders and what seems perfectly acceptable for a woman becomes horribly chauvinistic for a man. In fact, if you took this woman's list of prerequisites verbatim and changed all of the references to gender from the feminine to the masculine and posted it as your personal, how well do you think it would be received (assuming the mods of the site wouldn't delete it and ban you for posting it)?


Here is a well thought out idea of what kind of gal I am interested in...5' 5" or taller, but not over 6 feet (because while I don't mnd being eye to eye with you, I won't ever be looking up to you), lives close enough to be at my house within 10 minutes after I make the call, genuinely passionate, intelligent enough to be good company, sexually available (preferably insatiable) and VERY attractive - we're talking Jessica Alba, Keyra Augustina attractive - women with a bodyfat percentage higher than 8% need not apply (hee hee, I'm so self-amusing). Must be employed but not so as you'll interfere with our sexual activities, FAMILY oriented, but only after you've hit 30-33, open to spontaneous sex (you know, like outdoor stuff or a surprise 3 way with one of your hot girlfriends after our 2nd martini), likes to camp (in the nude), knows not to complain when I go play golf with the guys from work.

She must want children after 33 years of age if at all, and only after she's proven to be a good mother and faithful wife, must be a lady with class and know when the right time is to speak and not to speak, not a prude or b!tch, can take the first hint, sociable, unexpectedly calls to tell me she's wearing something new from Fredericks of Hollywood, understands that the best gift she can give me is expressing her desire to fukk me like a wild animal, and also understands that gifts for her are treats or rewards for desired behavior.

Must be respectful of my decisions being final, can't take herself too seriously and thinks the world of me. I'm not interested in anyone over 31 (since this is most women's expiration date anyway), she cannot have exhorbitant spending habits or a credit debtload in excess of $1,000 since I do not plan on changing the lifestyle I have grown accustom to and hope to one day be able to send my own children to college, and furthermore... my children will be taught to reasonably earn their achievements on their own and respect the decisions of their father and mother (and absolutely will not be spoiled brats either). She should also know that not only are most pets abject money pits, but more often than not are adopted by women in order to give themselves something to occupy them rather than connecting with their husbands. I'm very attracted to redheads, blondes, brunettes, Latinos, Asians, African-Americans, Pacific Islanders, etc., pretty much any woman that meets my physical requirements. I am not attracted at all to even slightly fat women no matter how much "inner beauty" you think you may possess, sorry tee hee!

WestCoaster said:

I'm always amazed when I go grocery shopping and I see women 300 pounds or more with hubby and kids. I always wonder a couple of things: How did she get married and how did he want to get it on.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoPW5RsMftQ

(Get the barf bags ready- can you imgaine being married to a woman like that? and you wonder what drives some men to suicide.)