Am I wrong in thinking this? All advice/opinions welcome

My girlfriend is moving out of state, as in across the country, later this fall for her job. As some of you may know, I am deciding what to do as far as moving with her. Since I can do my job anywhere, where I live isnt that important. Its just a matter of if I want to leave my home state.

Anyway, tonight my gf (of 2 years who I love more then I think she will ever know) got a call about 9:30 from someone. She talked to this person for about 45 minutes or so in the bedroom, door open, not trying to hide that she was talking, but at the same time just from hearing words here and there, it didn't sound like one of her usual friends or family members. She gets off the phone and comes into the room and says after a minute or so, "that was really nice, my brother (who lives in the state that she will be moving to) has a "friend" (in the city she'll be moving to) who just called me about getting together when I go out there next week to look for places to live". (She's going out there ahead of time to check places out). So apparently her bro set this up, which I thought was pretty disrespectfull. In fact he just emailed my gf today saying he knows a guy he can have take her around to show her the area, so the guy didnt waste anytime in calling up my gf. ANd you guys know as well as I do that when you are asked by someone to hang out or show someone the sites, the first thing out of our mouths is, "what does she look like?" So I can gaurantee that my gf was discussed in this way between her bro and this guy. Which is odd since my gf and I live together. How would he like it if his wife was visiting our area and I set her up to have one of my single guy friends take her around?

So, my first reaction when she says this is, "what's HIS name"? She at first says its a her, but then says yes its a him after a bit of prodding. Now, she has never met this man nor talked to him before tonight, so in my eyes this is very strange. Why is her brother "setting her up" so to speak with a guy she has never met to show her around? Very odd to me. Also very inapropriate when two people are in a relationship like we are imo. Being in a relationship means you shouldnt have to worry about people of the opposite sex being with your significant other in inappropriate situations. I know darn well that if those two meet up out there for him to show her around the city, they will probably go to dinner, have a drink or two, and who knows what could happen from there. I'm not being paranoid, Im being realistic. I trust my gf, for the most part, but you cant ever really 100% trust anyone to be faithfull imo. YOu just have to accept some things might occur and hope they dont happen.

I know that I would NEVER meet up with some single girl who I dont know to have her show me around some city if i was involved with someone else, mainly because I dont want to cause stress and worry to my gf about what could happen when two people get together, especially since we'll be 3,000 miles apart. She also mentioned after the phone call that he made her laugh and was very easy to talk to on the phone. She also has said she didnt see anything wrong with it, she was just going because he is a friend of her brothers who knows the area.

I can say that a few things were said that to me struck me as odd, that raised little red flags, though Ill keep those quiet for now.

Now, before jumping to any conclusions, I am not in any way controlling. My gf goes out when she wants, talks to most anyone she wants, does what she wants. I'm a very easy going and laid back person. But I have limits. IMO it is just very wrong for my gf to be 3,000 miles away being shown the sites and town by some guy she has never met and who was arranged for by her brother.

Am I wrong in thinking this way?

IMHO, a defiant NO is my answer to your aforementioned question.

Would she tolerate this behavior from you? NO, would be my guess.

Look man, relationships/marriage are COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY geared in the woman's favor, and they know it. Why else would it be their main objective?

Answer me this. Think of it, and best of luck to you.

I agree, I mean I am at a loss sometimes as to how people think they can live their lives like they are single, and yet want total monogmy from their partners.

I just could never do something like this to her. Of course women always think that every man can just be a friend, when we all know men want one thing with almost any girl, sex.

I am having difficulty understanding your value system. You claim to have exclusive rights to your GF, and she lives with you. However, you let her decide to follow her job some 3000 miles, with you still to decide whether you are following her there?

Yet, your primary question is whether some alpha male should show her around the place. Your first question should be why am I following around my girlfriend, who in turn is what, following orders from her employer. Or did she volunteer. Housewives can do their job from anywhere too you know, but they don't just accept any career move offered by their husbands.

It is time to sever ties with her. Maybe it is also time for you to learn to be more controlling. "Controlling" the taboo activity for the American male.

The reason we would move out there is she recently lost her job here in Michigan, but was offered a nice salary ($130,000) with tons of perks for this new job on the west coast. I daytrade stocks, on a computer. I can do that anywhere. Trust me, the job she got offered would be very hard to turn down.

So if you were married for say 10 years, and you got the word from her that she had a good offer but had to move somewhere else, and you didn't want to go, would she go. If the answer is yes, then you are wasting your time.

The fact that you said that you hadn't decided whether to go or not, indicates that it was to some extent a unilateral decision.

Think about it like this. You are her computer and she day trades. Does she have an attachment to that particular computer. No she just needs any computer to day trade. Well, answer this then. Did she at any stage say that if you didn't want to go, she wouldn't go. If not, then consider your value.

Elchoco, I agree with you and we talked about that, and i was satisfied that she is devoted to me and would do what is best for both of our interests. That really isnt the issue, though I appreciate what you are saying.

The main issue here is, am i wrong in thinking the way i am about this situation when she goes out there and this guy may show her around.

I'm not saying she won't shag this guy given the opportunity (I don't know her, or how she is) but I do think you're taking this whole situation out of context. Think of it this way... your gf is moving to a place where she doesn't know anyone. She's probably freaking out, no friends, no family, doesn't know the city at all. And her bro (being a good bro) has set her up with one of his good mates so that she doesn't feel out of her depth. I think it would be a serious stretch to make the assumption that he's setting her up for a 'good time' with one of his mates.

If I were in the same situation, and my sister was moving to a completely foreign place, I would do exactly the same thing. If I knew someone there, I'd set them up regardless of their gender. I'm pretty sure anyone would do the same thing, that's what a good family does, look out for each other.

The most interesting thing you wrote in there is that she originally said it was a girl, then after a bit of prodding, admitted it was a guy. That speaks volumes to me - WHY would she lie to you? Answer that question honestly and you may reveal the truth...

She said a girl because she claims first that she was joking, and then that she thought I might react negatively that it was a guy. I said, well, you know me, I can take just about anything and not get upset, but if you thought I might get upset about this, maybe, just maybe, its the wrong thing to do?

And why does she think you'd react negatively? There are three possible reasons:
1. She feels in her gut it's the wrong thing to do.
2. She feels in her gut that you'll get angry/upset (ie she sees you as controlling)
3. She secretly wants him and wants to hide it from you.

No worries!

This guy got the # of a girl he'll be seing next week, and called her that night for 45 minutes? I smell desperate chump. Oh I'm sure he'll try to escalate, but what are the odds that he'll be that attractive to your girl? I'd worry about the million other guys living there.

So you can do your job anywhere? Grab a laptop, find a hotel with wifi, and go with her.

Or just suggest you're going to do that . . . If she starts stuttering and scrambling for some reason, any reason, you can't go . . . WORRY!

1. I would hope that was the reason
2. I am angry and upset, though trust me, Im one of the least controlling guys you will meet. My gf pretty much talks to whomever she wants, goes where she wants, does what she wants. I hardly if ever tell her what to do-I trust her. But i do have my limits.
3. It would be hard for me to think she wants him considering they have never met and this is the first time they talked, though stranger things have happened.

Why take a chance then? Like Phyzzle suggests, you pack your computer and go too. Or do you have to feed the cat in her absence?

Since you theoretically might be living there, you should probably have an input into the accommodation being sought and you would presumably want to have a look around the area which is to be your new home.

Uneasy psychological conditions are bad for a day trader aren't they?

Yep el choclo gonna be a tuff day tommorrow trading lol. Ive been on such a nice roll too lately.

BTW buy MLXO, at .06 and about to go through the roof with some major news.

If I am getting tips does this mean you concur with my reasoning? I hope you aren't using this forum to ramp your pet stock.

cordoncordon said:

Am I wrong in thinking this way?

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No...you are not wrong. You are in fact thinking like a man should think.

And don't listen to anyone that call you "insecure". You are not insecure. You are actually smart and alert. You are indeed taking care of the "store"...if you don't, somebody else will.

And why is her brother offering a man to show her around (hook up)? Why is he not showing her around? Anyway, she doesn't need some man showing her around.

What comes to my mind is...does she know that you are pondering about moving there? Maybe she mentioned that to her brother and he tried to hook her up. Furthermore, maybe she is "pressuring" you into moving with her to California. Personally, I think you should move there. However, I question her judgment if she REALLY wants a man to be showing her around.

It comes down to this...

1- Clearly disrespectful of her brother

2- Clearly disrespectful of her

3- Potential disrespect of the "friend"

I would hate to be in your shoes right now.

She's probably freaking out, no friends, no family, doesn't know the city at all. And her bro (being a good bro) has set her up with one of his good mates so that she doesn't feel out of her depth. I think it would be a serious stretch to make the assumption that he's setting her up for a 'good time' with one of his mates.

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1- A woman that was offered a $130,000 job in the West Coast and has readily accepted is NOT a woman that "freaks out" due to relocation. Many professional American women are VERY independent.

2- Her bro is an arsehole. He knows that she is LIVING with a man. He probably knows that he (poster of this thread) is having doubts about moving there. Therefore, the bro has NO right as to be setting her up with meetings with other men.

3- In fact, if she was "freaking out", then that duty (of putting her at ease) relies with her LIVE in boyfriend.

This guy is NOT controlling. No man should be. However, I feel that he has allowed his girlfriend to act like she is not in an exclusive and commited relationship. People in committed relationships adjust their behavior and even compromise for the best of the relationship. People stop acting single. Especially if they are living together.

I never tell my girlfriend what to do. In fact, she carries the key of the relationship. If she does something that is a deal breaker...then I dump her. It is her fault...not mine. And I made that very clear. If she is doing something that is creating issues to the relationship, I would simply tell her. But would never tell her what to do. She has the key. It is her decision. I will simply react to her decision. But, she cannot read minds, so if something bother's me...I make sure she knows. Although, I'm very careful so she doesn't confuse what I'm saying with "insecurity" or "jealousy". Respect is a huge issue with me.



NOTE: IF all you need is a computer...then why don't you move there with her? Why wait? Why stay behind? You need to sever the umbrillical (sp?) cord that is HOLDING you back to your family and State. If you can't do that...then you are not the man for her. She is making the right decision by taking the offer. No woman and no man should put a hold in their goals for a boy/girlf friend.

Blusher...it appears that you and I think alike.

Concerning your dad (and correct me if I'm wrong). I'm willing to bet that the success of his marriage was due to the fact that he was NOT trying to be controlling...that in fact, what he was trying to do is being VERY CLEAR of what is acceptable behavior in a committed relationship. Was very clear of what was respectful and disrespectful. And was very clear about the importance of preserving his masculinity and self-respect.

In my views...as long as the woman understand those things and is REMINDED of those things...it is up to her to decide her course of action. And the beauty of this is that whichever course of action she takes is the one that would decide if she is worth of her man.

I don't believe men should control a woman. I do, however believe, that as men, we should control the course of the relationship.

I also believe that a man should remind the woman that certain behavior or decisions can create the perception of disrespect. And men live by the code of respect. She will probably say something like, "Do you care how other things?"...to which he should probably reply, "I don't care how other things. I do, however, care about what YOU do to influence others thoughts about ME".

Note: I also believe that we have to play "manipulative" (for lack of better term) methods in the relationship to keep a woman's interest at a very high level. I call that the roller-coaster approach. I also had a very succesful LONG marriage. That woman adored me (and continues to adore me). She respected me too. In my case, I walked away due to disimilar goals later in our lives and I had to walk away now or stay forever (only had a window of time that I considered "fair" to decided that). Tough decision, but alpha-males have to make tough decisions in life...as long as we can look ourselves in the mirror and live with those decisions.

Latinoman, she isnt making the move until late Sept. or so, she is just going out now to scout around for places. Apparently this guy was going to be "kind" enough to show her the sites, so to speak, we all know what that could mean.

She is claiming that it is all innocent and that as of now their are no definite plans to meet, and I believe her, but I also know that he will be calling her in the next few days to set up a time and place to meet when she arrives next week.

cordoncordon said:

Latinoman, she isnt making the move until late Sept. or so, she is just going out now to scout around for places. Apparently this guy was going to be "kind" enough to show her the sites, so to speak, we all know what that could mean.

She is claiming that it is all innocent and that as of now their are no definite plans to meet, and I believe her, but I also know that he will be calling her in the next few days to set up a time and place to meet when she arrives next week.

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Thanks for the clarification.

45 minutes telephone conversation?

Maybe she is right...maybe she isn't. The important thing in here is that is bothering YOU. So, your feelings are important. How important? We will see.