My counselor has proposed a meeting between me and my ex-wife.

OK….deep breath. I’m probably going to get thrashed here for this….so go easy on me.

I just returned from my 8am session with my therapist/old marriage counselor.

After divorcing in November, I went through this incredibly tough grieving phase. I started missing my wife for some reason despite being on several dates and kissing a few girls. I will admit the DJ Bible does really work to an extent and despite the fact I was hurting, I was able to get some confidence and take a lot of what Bradd80 and DJ Bible stated and apply it successfully when it came to getting numbers and going on multiple dates.

However, I cannot shake the feelings of my wife no matter how hard I try. I’ve got tons of hobbies, I am busy all the time with work and social stuff. I’ve got tons of girls and friends I’m always talking to, but when I wake up, the first thought on my mind is my ex-wife.

During my morning session today, my therapist (who served as our marriage counselor), said that I have a lot of unresolved issues that are preventing me from moving on. We have tried a lot of different methods, and I refuse to take and prescription meds to dull the pain.

She finally just stated that maybe it would be wise to pull the ex-wife back for a session with me and work out these problems and get to the very root of what is bothering me. I didn’t really know what to make of that, but something has to be done so I’m no longer in this suspended state of pain.

I realize how BETA this is all sounding.

There was no cheating in our marriage. My wife had terrible depression, possibly BPD (undiagnosed), and our divorce was pretty clean since we didn’t have kids and we sold our house before we split. No alimony, only 3 years of marriage.

I have been exceptionally good about no contact (I deleted her number, her facebook, don't text, don't call, don't email, went ghost), but we had to meet in March to finalize some tax paperwork and she took it as an opportunity to basically give me this verbal beatdown, tell me she was “seeing someone” (not confirmed – no social proof – mutual friends say they see nothing) when I attempted to talk to her to close things out the right way. So we essentially left on bad terms. I went no contact after that.

At this point, I am confused on what I need to do to move on. The counselor says that maybe behind closed doors some “real talk” might happen that might be beneficial to the both of us. The counselor says that my wife is still very hurt by our divorce, probably still in love with me, and that’s why she was very defensive and tried to inflict pain on me in order to protect herself.

For all my ex-wife knows, I ‘m fine and I’m not hurting at all. So guys…what do you make of all this? Yes...this so very BETA, but I feel comfortable talking about it here as opposed to running out and making a complete fool of myself.

You are lacking self-esteem and have very low self-image.

I experienced this coming out of my divorce after knowing the woman for almost 10 years and married for 5. It is only natural to doubt what you are worth: hear what I said, this is about your perception of SELF-WORTH.

You need to detach from your ex-wife as it is a poison pill effect on your whole as a man. You will need to focus on integrating your self-esteem by making NEW friends; both men AND women.

It is not going to happen overnight. People think just because they read this forum, that next day they are going to turn out to be the biggest D!ckhead every lived and women come crawling. This is not true. It is painstakingly a small step each day. However, when you realize that women turn their head for you over time and it builds up slowly, you will look back and be glad you were dissected from your formidable evil twin ex-wife.

If you are near a large city, check out Meetup.com and mix with new people with activites of similiar interests. Flirting is where it starts and confidence building.

Good luck.

With respect,
Exodus

Thank you for this. But it's not lacking confidence. Like I said, I have been talking to a few women, they flirt back heavily, they kiss me, tell me I'm handsome. I've got a date lined up on Wednesday. And yes, I'm on meetup.com too and I've met several girls through that. That's I hooked up with some of these girls, so it's funny you mentioned that.

I don't know it's as much about self-worth.

I just feel that maybe we really did belong to together...that maybe it was a mistake to separate.

God...so f-ing BETA today. Pathetic.

You just haven't met a woman you consider 'hotter' than your ex-wife.

We are men.

It is in the end, very simple LOL.

Wait until you meet that one who you think is 'hotter' (whether it is appearance, sexual, spiritual, etc).

You will then forget about her.

GotED? said:

You just haven't met a woman you consider 'hotter' than your ex-wife.

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That could be it. I'm making out with girls and just not feeling that spark. It's such a dull lifeless act.

Op if it didnt work it was because of a reason, to give it an other try or not its entirely on you.

But something I can tell you for sure is that you win women by having a strong frame and if the frame of the interaction is your counselor telling your ex wife to speak with you, cause you "need" it...you would simply enter a valley of tears.

Ipotetically would be much better for your wife to know that you're dating a hot girl that you like but you're still not sure about what to do.

Who Dares Win said:

Ipotetically would be much better for your wife to know that you're dating a hot girl that you like but you're still not sure about what to do.

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This girl I'm seeing/talking with is, by all accounts, very pretty. She gets a ton of attention from guys, and there is some attraction there. But it feels wrong. I have no other way to explain it.

Your counselor has an obligation of confidentiality regarding what is said during your sessions. Your ex-wife has no such obligation. As soon as the therapy is over, she can and will run to facebook and post everything about it. She will love to tell everyone that you are a poor crushed soul without her.

Did she treat you poorly? Maybe that's what you're subconsciously missing. Or maybe it was the up and down drama of her mental problems. If you had a bad relationship, and you now miss it, something inside you is seeking poor treatment for yourself, and that is the real issue.

Feelings are normal.

Find a woman who looks exactly like your ex, put on your A game and seduce her, and fvck the sh1t out of her over and over for a few weeks.

Meanwhile, get your life together and search for totally different looking women for whom you feel a spark.

Oh yeah, almost forgot. Stop seeing that counselor, and continue NC on the ex.

Down Low said:

Feelings are normal.
Oh yeah, almost forgot. Stop seeing that counselor, and continue NC on the ex.

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thank you for this. My contact schedule went like this.

Nov. 11 (divorce day)
Jan. 23 (had to set up financial meeting)
Mar. 6 (brutal financial meeting)
Mar. 22 (wrote her a goodbye letter)

I feel pretty good about not caving in, calling, texting, begging, etc, but this is most insanely tough thing I've ever been through.

When did the pain end for some of you?

Oh yeah, and spinning plates while doing this really fvcks with your head. I'm projecting confidence and the girls seem to like it, but inside I'm really out of it.

You seriously need to stop beating yourself up about being "beta". You've been through a divorce with a woman you've known for God knows how long.. it's okay to feel pain you know. It seems like you're doing everything you can to get over it - stop being so hard on yourself.

Psychiatry is a Scam

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eL4JgwMdFFk

When relps hit 3-4 years, breakups are extremely difficult. It's not being "beta," it's being a normal human. That being said, there are certain things you want to avoid doing, and those are things which can jeopardize your future. So if you want some therapy or whatever, that's fine, but be smart about it.

In the meantime you just gotta wait it out. A year from now you'll be fine, just don't do anything outrageously stupid in the meantime.

I'm very suspicious of counseling. Really, it's in your counselor's best interest to keep you needy and suffering and paying her regular visits and fattening her wallet. That would explain why your counselor wants to bring your ex-wife into it, which sounds like the most horrible idea ever. Seriously, only a female could have come up with this. She wants to keep you wallowing in your self pity as long as she can.

What you need to do as a man is accept that it's over, and move on. Sitting around with a shrink and talking about it is just going to keep those wounds open.

It's normal to feel grief and even depression over a lost relationship, but you will get over it, you just need time. In the meantime, you should stop giving yourself permission to keep dwelling on it. Find something you're interested in, and get your mind on other things.

expos said:

When did the pain end for some of you?

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During the worst periods of abuse, and when she'd catch me off guard and blast with every provocation she could think of, a couple of times I noticed that, when I took a deep breath after to try to compose myself, I'd inhale with that quick double or triple choking as if I'd been sobbing. That's how bad it was. I treated her like a human being, and allowed her to hurt me that much.

On the day that I left, having moved my stuff little by little in the weeks before, it was just me and a couple of bags. I got down to the street and stopped at my car. It was a beautiful, sunny day. My cell phone rang and I answered it. A friend. But the funny thing was, my voice suddenly dropped an octave. That's how tense I had been. That's how much stress relief I got just by knowing it was finally over.

Down Low said:

During the worst periods of abuse, and when she'd catch me off guard and blast with every provocation she could think of, a couple of times I noticed that, when I took a deep breath after to try to compose myself, I'd inhale with that quick double or triple choking as if I'd been sobbing. That's how bad it was. I treated her like a human being, and allowed her to hurt me that much.

On the day that I left, having moved my stuff little by little in the weeks before, it was just me and a couple of bags. I got down to the street and stopped at my car. It was a beautiful, sunny day. My cell phone rang and I answered it. A friend. But the funny thing was, my voice suddenly dropped an octave. That's how tense I had been. That's how much stress relief I got just by knowing it was finally over.

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This sounds really intense and miserable. How were you functioning at work? Were you dating at this time? Thank you for sharing this...

I get to these phases every two weeks or so where food doesn't taste good, it takes a long time to get myself moving in the morning (showering, getting dressed, eating, leaving for work takes 15-20 minutes longer), and I'll be standing around in my apartment and this intense wave of emotions will almost make me collapse...and I'll to reach out to hold on to something.

I think, by far, the toughest thing is seeing newer photos of them. We still have a few mutual friends and I've started cutting ties with them, but every couple of weeks my ex-wife will appear in a photo with others and she'll look absolutely incredible. Far better looking than what she looked like when we were married. My ex dropped at least 35 lbs and looks so good...and it hurts to see this newer version of them...the one you are not allowed to have...but apparently who ever she's supposedly "seeing" gets to have this improved version of her. I makes me sick to my stomach. It is so sh?tty and unfair.

It makes you wonder why, if they loved you so much like they claimed to, they couldn't make these changes during the marriage. It is incredibly hurtful and frustrating, because I never let myself go and actually became fitter during our marriage, while she got progressively fatter. I also became a better person while married - more patient, more determined, intent on building a solid life with someone and being cooperative.

Getting back on track, I'm going to tell the counselor that I do not want to see my ex or schedule a counseling meet up in which the my therapist will serve as a referee. It pains me not to see her, because I want to see her so badly and can't let go, but everyone is telling me to stay away.

Bible_Belt said:

Your counselor has an obligation of confidentiality regarding what is said during your sessions. Your ex-wife has no such obligation. As soon as the therapy is over, she can and will run to facebook and post everything about it. She will love to tell everyone that you are a poor crushed soul without her.

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I'd pay close attention to this and be very, very careful. Involving your ex in any discussions about any issues could backfire miserably. Deal with as much as you can without her. And like others have said, the best way to get over her is find somebody you value higher.

It's gonna take time, just keep on dating hotter and hotter girls. Your counselor is likely (consciously or unconsciously) trying to create more issues and get more income.

Your pain is normal, not beta. Take some time, date hotter and hotter girls and it will slowly fade.

Don't do it.

When I was separated from my ex-wife, she came to me with this New Age mumbo-jumbo her counselor had given her called a "Ritual of Parting." This idiocy came complete with a script and candles and all of this other ****.

I looked at her like she was crazy (and she is) and said that there was no way I would be doing anything like that. She doesn't get to feel at peace about jettisoning our marriage. She doesn't get "closure."

Ask yourself what possible good can come out of this. Then come back here and ask me again if you have any answer other than "none."

Pretty solid advice here...I just blocked her on Facebook. Sometimes I wonder if she ever checks my stuff anyways, but I guess that's not an option anymore for her.

Regarding your therapist ...

She finally just stated that

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I wouldn't take much "she" has to say too literally. What she suggests is the worst advice she could give.
A therapist can only offer you comfort during your time of grief. If your sessions are all about your feelings right now about your ex, then "she" is actually holding back your recovery. Personally, I'd rid myself of that ASAP.

Breakups are tough.
You're not only having to deal with a new "current" but also, the altered future and as you're starting to understand ... your past (i.e. clearly she didn't love me so much if she could ...).

The past doesn't matter. Learn from it what you can and leave it where it
belongs ... in the past!

The current, you're in crisis. So ... a crisis cannot be resolved by basking in it. You must change how you spend your disposable time now. You will feel much better if it's about distraction or improvement.

The future, that's the good stuff. Don't worry about it now. You've enough troubles. But remember this ... clearly your marriage wasn't great because ... it's over. Great times are in your future. You're smarter and hopefully as little more self centered now!

Work on the bod, the career, social events (meetup.com is great for that as your friends you'll be tempted to dump on).

For now, 6 months is not enough to get over this for you.
Do what's natural. Play with women, but don't push yourself to fill the void you're struggling with.

You'll be fine OP.
Lots of help here.

SH