gf having lunch with guy friend

zekko · Jun 21, 2012

Desdinova said:
I don't let this 5hit bother me. Why? Because 97% of the population are AFCs. I'm more interesting, fun and confident than them.

Then why did your wife lose interest in you?
I don't say this to cut you down, not by any means. I say this to show that you can't depend on this "I'm a DJ, everyone else is just an AFC" idea when it comes to cheating. That's buying into the PUA fairy tale just a little too deeply.

We don't know anything about this guy anyway. If she's going to want to cheat with him, she will. Whether the OP thinks he's an alpha, a DJ, or what.

pyros · Jun 21, 2012

Yes, she just met him for a month during a language course. So they just cant become 'friends' in that short period of time. Besides, she does not have guy friends, any other guy friends I mean, just guy she knows from college, or work etc.

I think the right option is to set some firm rules from the begining. I do not like her to hang out with other guys, thats final, thats it.

Anyway, I previously said that one thing is being too permissive and the other is being to controlling, in the middle point is the right thing to do.

Because as I said, lets say you're super alpha, cool. But you just let your girl do whatever she wants, go wherever, whenever, with whoever. She meets one guy here, one guy there.. one player, one afc, another player, another guy...over some time. All this because you're so confident that you just allow anything.

You may get to a point where your relationship has some problems, and since she's just going out witch whoever, whenever, getting hit on over and over, meeting new guys everywhere... she may end up cheating on you.

You get my point? if you let her be exposed so much, you cant blaim her if under certain circumstances (relationship problems) at some point she finally cheats on you. Since you seemed you did not care what she did...she went out over and over with her single female friends...got hit on, you kept saying it is fine to go to party, hang out with guys etc, here is the result. Yes, your super alpha, so? there are other alphas out there thay may have better game.

dont you think?

If you had just set some rules, you had shown you care what she did and with whom, you had shown some healthy jelausy, she would not have end up cheating.

Dont you think? so being that permissive is a mistake.

P.S.

I would find it very weird, if she did not care I hanged out with female friends, or talked too much with some girl, etc etc I would think she just doesnt love me. Dont you think?

SgtSplacker · Jun 21, 2012

Absolutely Pyro, talk to her but not in such a way to compromise her dignity or self respect. Tell her you love her, but show her the door she would have to walk through if she does not make you happy. You are totally in the right here. This is not about control, this is about respect. You only want the best thing for your relationship, and this is not it. Women want to be led, so lead but don't drag her on a leash behind you.

And remember if she leaves you because you are being a man, then she knows she left a man. Not a submissive boy, she will respect you more for it in the end. And if she comes back to you she will then be the right girl for you.

perseverance · Jun 21, 2012

SgtSplacker said:
And if she comes back to you she will then be the right girl for you.

I disagree, once a girl walks away, call time on it and move on.

If a girl walks out on me and then comes back, no matter how much she apologises, begs, climbs over obstacles to please me and win me back, she can never win me back, because when she walks out she destroys everything and it cannot be salvaged.

If my girlfriend wants to hang out with other men, she can do that I won't stop her, but she'll soon discover that I'll have done a disappearing act, she won't hear from me again.

There's no need to argue, to try and insert control - a woman who truly respects you and your relationship would never hang out with another man on her lonesome. If it's a group of guys and girls together, fine, no biggie.

The best method in life is simply to walk away.

Desdinova · Jun 21, 2012

zekko said:
Then why did your wife lose interest in you?

I quit putting my foot down. I quit calling her on her 5hit. I quit touching and fvcking her. I came to the point where I was done with her garbage. The only thing that was holding the relationship together at that point was the legal contract.

Throughout the whole marriage, I kept doing the stuff that makes a woman attracted. I put my foot down when I needed to, I was funny, confident, I touched her regularly, I gave her great sex, created a little bit of drama, and I always kept other women just slightly out of reach. The day I quit doing all of that (and yes it was intentional) she started looking elsewhere. Without all that stuff, I had no value.

I say this to show that you can't depend on this "I'm a DJ, everyone else is just an AFC" idea when it comes to cheating.

You can't depend on it if you just label yourself a DJ and think you're invincible. If you actually put in the effort to turn yourself into a man that women genuinely value, then you should have nothing to worry about.

...and if you want to know what my biggest mistake was when it came to choosing the woman I married, it was being too confident and thinking that I would be able to change the woman by being a DJ. She remained attracted to me, but she never changed from being a selfish lying bytch.

Controlling a woman is impossible which is why I think the OP should let his gf go out for lunch withe the guy. As long as he's doing his part to keep the relationship interesting, she will remain attracted to him.

Naughty Ninja · Jun 21, 2012

Perhaps she's meeting so suave poster GSPsheilds for lunch? Or Dr.Beard?

donking · Jun 21, 2012

Desdinova said:
I quit putting my foot down. I quit calling her on her 5hit. I quit touching and fvcking her. I came to the point where I was done with her garbage. The only thing that was holding the relationship together at that point was the legal contract.

Throughout the whole marriage, I kept doing the stuff that makes a woman attracted. I put my foot down when I needed to, I was funny, confident, I touched her regularly, I gave her great sex, created a little bit of drama, and I always kept other women just slightly out of reach. The day I quit doing all of that (and yes it was intentional) she started looking elsewhere. Without all that stuff, I had no value.

You can't depend on it if you just label yourself a DJ and think you're invincible. If you actually put in the effort to turn yourself into a man that women genuinely value, then you should have nothing to worry about.

...and if you want to know what my biggest mistake was when it came to choosing the woman I married, it was being too confident and thinking that I would be able to change the woman by being a DJ. She remained attracted to me, but she never changed from being a selfish lying bytch.

Controlling a woman is impossible which is why I think the OP should let his gf go out for lunch withe the guy. As long as he's doing his part to keep the relationship interesting, she will remain attracted to him.

so you made a poor choice of wife. as did I. If I were to marry again, I would only marry a virgin who did not enjoy hanging out with other men period.

zekko · Jun 22, 2012

People always have differing opinions on this topic. IMO, "controlling" and "jealousy" are words women use to shame men in order to get their way. I don't tolerate my girl going on a date with some guy - because that's what it is, a date.

Now I have a good friend who thinks differently. He had no objection to his wife's male friends, because "we can trust each other. Neither of us have to worry about that". He's now divorced because his wife dumped him for another guy.

Des, I thought you've said that as soon as you got married, your wife stopped hanging around with you (not that I'm trying to make your marriage the issue here).

I still say you can't depend on "being a DJ" to keep her interest. Women have a mind of their own, and when they want to move on, they will. Being a DJ may increase your odds, but that's all.

Desdinova · Jun 22, 2012

zekko said:
Des, I thought you've said that as soon as you got married, your wife stopped hanging around with you (not that I'm trying to make your marriage the issue here).

She certainly did. I honestly believe it had nothing to do with how attracted she was to me. She had no problem with having sex on a regular basis. She just did whatever she wanted, and much of that entailed being with her friends most of the time and feeding her video game addiction at people's places who had a faster internet connection.

I occasionally spied on her to make sure that the story she gave me checked out, and it always did.

SgtSplacker · Jun 22, 2012

It seems the board is generally split up into two trains of thought on this issue.

Passive: Let her go because after all you are awesome and don't need to worry.

Aggressive: It's not right, I don't like this and I don't want you to go.

So the argument really is if women want to be controlled/led or if you should allow them more autonomy in their decisions.

Is this accurate?

[edit] I changed the categories a bit. The previous categories were to restrictive...

SoSuave666 · Jun 22, 2012

Danger said:
I would agree with you, but I would say my position is more based on Control and Confidence.

Control being that women are children and need to be guided as such. They will throw tantrums and get mad when they don't have their way, but it passes when they realize you are right.

Confidence in that you cannot fear those tantrums, nor the results of them. Whether they result in the girl leaving, or you kicking her to the curb. Know that you will always have the ability to generate more options.

In short, I consider my position to be about self-respect, not control. Control is the woman's shaming word used to get what she wants out of the situation. Don't be fooled by it.

Control is not a "shaming" word. It is literally what you are doing. You are trying to control her actions. Regardless of her motives for going to lunch you are voicing your opinion as to NOT get her to do something. That's trying to control the situation.

These things only matter if you they bother YOU. I just don't find it beneficial to try and lay down the law with someone who is either a.) thinking about leaving or b.) going to lunch with an old friend in a platonic manner. If it's a platonic thing (which I think it most definitely CAN be for women) then it's like telling her she can't go see her girl friend for lunch. Speaking of going out with girls, I'm sure you let her do that. I'm sure some of her girl friends are single too. And I'm sure all they do when they go out is have a nice glass of wine and then go home and watch sex and the city reruns. Yea right.

She is just like any other female. She needs her ego boosted and she will get it whether you like it or not. No amount of "control" is going to stop that. What's going to happen is she will do it behind your back instead of telling you about it, and then you have a real problem. You aren't some "alpha" for treating a woman like a child and belittling them for going out and having fun and living their life. You are a man. You have far more important things to worry about than a chick you are seeing going to lunch with some other guy.

I do admit that the fact she only knew him for a month or so is a little troubling. I seemed to over look that part on my previous posts. In this situation though, I stick to one of my previous responses. I would say "ok, you can go to lunch with him" then bang the sh!t out of her for hours and say "have fun." I'd probably add a little bit of jealousy for her too, covertly of course. That way, she knows what she will be missing if she decides to risk the relationship and she also knows that you have other options.

However, if she has already decided to give this guy on the lunch date a chance then there really isn't much you can do anyway and you better start looking for another hole.

gspshields2 · Jun 22, 2012

Naughty Ninja said:
Perhaps she's meeting so suave poster GSPsheilds for lunch? Or Dr.Beard?

Well if she was meeting me then the OP would be safe because I have no game lol

SoSuave666 · Jun 22, 2012

Danger said:
You (like most girls) are confusing control with expectations. It is ok for you to have expectations, especially if one of them is that she meet your standards.

Women for the most part will say your expectations are controlling her, fair enough, because they are controlling her actions in a manner that is respectful of your relationship.

But she will NEVER use the word "expectations". Because that implies you are correct. She will stick with the shaming word of control. Because she has reframed the argument so as to make you look like the bad person. This is why it's called shaming. She is trying to put the problem on YOU. Do not fall for it.

My expectations are not that she will be a perfect woman who never tries to massage her ego with other men. YOU know that's going to happen. Stop trying to act like there is a perfect woman who will only be yours forever and ever. I agree that standards need to be set. One of them shouldn't be that she can't go out to lunch with a friend.

Danger said:
And if she is thinking about leaving, who cares? Let her go. The bottom line is, men with options don't put up with disrespect because they do not have to. Anyone who tolerates this sort of thing is advertising that they have few to no options. Stop being afraid of losing the girl. Self respect is number one. Always.

You are agreeing with my whole point. By this time, if she is meeting a guy to fvck him, it's already over. Let her go, you have other options. Agree.

Danger said:
You don't have a problem of her doing it behind her back, the problem is deeper than that. The problem is one of disrepsect. That comes first, LONG before she goes behind your back for something.

You are a man with Expectations. If she doesn't meet them, you dump her @ss.

If you call your girl going out to lunch on a date with a man who wants to fvk her, "having a little fun", then you deserve exactly what you will get. A woman who dates other men and "has a little fun".

Why would a woman who is cheating on you openly tell you she is going out to lunch with another man? If she wanted to cheat, she wouldn't tell you. If it becomes a recurring theme, you have a problem. A one time thing where she lets you know without you having to probe her doesn't seem like much of an issue to me.

Danger said:
This I mainly agree with. A woman who needs other men to entertain her is not a viable option.

A man who keeps his woman interested will not have to worry about her wanting to go on dates with other men. She would not risk a relationship with a high-value man on such an endeavor.

Another agree.

I enjoy debate just as much as you do. This thread clearly has two different viewpoints. Opinions are of course subjective by nature, so to say there is only one way to deal with this is clearly incorrect. My belief is that of course there should be ground rules set in a relationship. If those expectations are breached, then there should be serious consequences--no doubt. My opinion is that this is not a deal breaker. There are reasons you need to always be gaming girls, even in a relationship. 1.) this would never happen and 2.) if/when it does happen you can properly handle the situation to gain power back.

Someone earlier noted that the number one power for a man is the ability to walk away. Could have been you, danger, could have been someone else. It escapes me. Anyway, I agree with that. That's why NC is such an important tenant on this site. But what comes along with it? The girl has to know there are serious repercussions to her actions. You TELLING her she is misbehaving and breaking your expectations will not garner the same results as SHOWING her she is breaking your expectations. If there is anything we have learned on this site it's that women are emotional creatures, not logical. Sitting her down and saying "hey honey, I think this is a bad idea so I'm going to put my foot down" is not nearly as powerful as letting her go and seeing how she deals with you seeing other women too. Not only seeing other women but seeing them at night. When she brings it up, and eventually she will, a simple "I thought it was cool to see other people" will suffice. Your objective is to keep the woman going crazy for you, not get her to resent you.

If she will fvck, she will fvck. There is nothing your words can do to change that. But your actions can show her you are willing to walk away if it becomes an issue. Simple as that.

SgtSplacker · Jun 22, 2012

Exactly SoSuave, once I see a girl is interested in this kind of thing the first thing i'll do is explain that she is changing the relationship by seeing another guy for lunch. This alone is a great way to gauge her IL.

The second think I do is turn this into a winning situation that makes me happy. I'll start taking girls out while still banging her. And every time I do take out a girl i'll use the exact same verbiage she did for her lunch date. Whether I screw them or not is my option, but you can be sure that if an upgrade is found she will be nexted.

The objective here is to always move forward, never back. If something is not making you happy you change things so it is.

I dated a girl for 7 years that tried to do this to me. And I did exactly what I am posting here. She decided not to go on her little date. I never had guy issues with this girl again after she understood how things worked with me. It was her decision, not mine.

Naughty Ninja · Jun 22, 2012

Danger said:
The perfect woman does not exist. But you are using extremes here. I hardly think expecting your woman to not disrespect your relationship by going on lunch dates with other men makes her "perfect".

It means she is doing something that in your gut, you don't like. And there is a reason that you do not like it. Because it is disrespectful. Especially if it was someone she was fvking in the past.

A couple of times in history come to mind. One where a girl would invite me to hang out with her and her boyfriend, so that she could "disarm" him about me. All the time, she was fvking me on the side. The second girl was a bit different, yet a similar situation. I had met her man a couple of times, but she would tell him she was out shopping, only to come over now and then to show me her "c0cksucking while upside-down fetish".

That was my quote about walking away. And I generally agree with everything above. But sometimes you also must draw boundaries overtly. It is expected of men, because we are overt creatures.

This site is great about teaching through actions, but it doesn't mean that you should never verbally set a rule.

There is some merit to it, but then you are capitulating to her frame. She is now setting the lead. First it's ok, because she wants to. Then it isn't ok, because she doesn't want you to. You are not being the rock here. You are allowing her emotions to dictate the relationship from month to month.

That is exactly where you do not want to be. Your life, your rules, your expectations. She can be a part of it, or not. If she wants to date other men, then she is free to do that. But you will never be able to take her seriously until that $hit stops.

Look at it this way. If it bothers you to let her go out for lunch dates with men, why would you be so scared to say that you are not cool with her doing it?

It's ok to have expectations, it will not drive her away if you have a few rules here and there. She will push, but you are a rock, and these are your rules. Not rules based on her ever fluid emotions.

She will get angry, she may even cry, but she will come right back to you. Why? Because you are a rock, and she is a storm of emotions. And all storms pass, but the rock still stays.[/QUOTE]

Can ya smell what the Rock is cooking for lunch Jabroni?

SoSuave666 · Jun 22, 2012

The difference I think between you and I arises because I don't view this as a breach of expectations. It seems as though you do. My expectations are that she does not sleep with other men, treats me in a loving manner, and bends over on command. In return I will not cheat on her and I will be her rock when she needs it. I would have other chicks at a safe distance from me anyway, so I would be going out with my female friends for drinks/lunch/etc. She would be free to do the same, as long as she told me. I'm not going to sit here and tell her she can't do something because I'm worried she is going to be out fvcking him. No amount of words can change what she will do. I've got options in my life, just like she does. I'm not conforming to her frame, I'm simply living my life. When you are in a relationship where a woman is totally interested in you, she won't be going out on dates with other men. We can both agree on that at least.
(Again, I don't consider lunch a "date")

In your examples of the past the decision was already made by the fem. Nothing could be done by the boyfriends in that situation to salvage the relationship. Shame on those guys, though. I've had my fair share of experiences with married and taken women. They all consciously make the decision to cheat WELL before they actually do. If the OP has been going through some issues with his girl, he should know this is simply the last straw before they break up. If things have been going swimmingly, it doesn't seem like a huge deal to me.

I've got to disagree with you on one thing though:
The times when it is OK to deal with a woman overtly are when emotions are not involved. Things like groceries, chores, the like. When emotions are involved, no amount of logic is going to persuade a woman. It's simply their nature to confine their "logic" to emotional turbulence. Battling emotions with logic is like throwing gasoline on a fire. I have learned this the hard way, but my God it's true.

backbreaker · Jun 22, 2012

pyros said:
Right, but I want to know if she's the cheating type as soon as possible. So from my point of view if she was not, she just would not want to grab lunch with this guy. Because as I said, they are not that good friends neither old friends, they just met some years ago during august, and I think if there was 0 attraction they would just not meet, and they would not have kept in touch during these years, dont you think?

the problem here is that you started dating her/ locked heru pb efore you really knew who she was.

the rightm response here is not to do anything. iceburg is correct. the problem is, you aren't supposed to find out if your girl is the cheating type when you date her. you are supposed to find out when you are screening her.

i have had lunch went out with other females and my wife doesn;t' bat an eye about it. she knows i'm not interested and i'm not, but i had a life before i met her, and she had one before she met me. but, i screened her correctly before i started dating her.

vatoloco · Jun 22, 2012

Danger said:
A woman who needs other men to entertain her is not a viable option.

A man who keeps his woman interested will not have to worry about her wanting to go on dates with other men. She would not risk a relationship with a high-value man on such an endeavor.

QFT. I'd rep if I could.

A good woman would never risk losing her man, if he is indeed a True Prize who holds his end of the deal.

You know how you avoid this whole conundrum? By setting the ground rules of your relationship BEFORE that she herself wants to enter with you.

SgtSplacker · Jun 22, 2012

Our third commandment from right here:

"3. THOU SHALL ACCEPT THE SEXUAL NATURE OF WOMAN
Face it buddy. Girls are horny. VERY, VERY horny! It may come as a surprise to some of you, but even the shyest girl will think sexual thoughts within seconds of seeing you!

For example, my ex-girl was one of the most modest, quietest chicks I ever met. We were talking about first impressions one day and I told her the truth...I thought she had a nice ass! She countered by confessing to me that within minutes of our meeting, she imagined me grabbing her by the hair, pulling her down to her knees and forcing her to give me a *******! Needless to say, I was shocked!"

I don't care what its called (date, lunch, dinner, meeting, gathering) the ingredients are the same. Men and women together with some kind of attraction to each other. NO YOUNG WOMAN IS EXEMPT FROM COMMANDMENT 3.

zekko · Jun 22, 2012

"Controlling" IS a feminist shaming word, just like "jealous", "insecure", and "possessive". If you find it unacceptable for your girl to be going out on dates with other men, that's not a control issue, that's setting boundaries.

Some have said she won't want to go out for lunch with another guy if she is really interested in you. I actually don't believe that, because I think that today's feminist culture has taught her that having her male friends is totally acceptable and deireable. That's why I think she should get a heads up about your displeasure with it. If you walk away, you're blowing up the relationship. If you start setting up your own lunch dates, you're leading down a road to blowing up the relationship. Because if a guy wants to go out to lunch with a girl, he wants her to be good looking, and he's going to want to have sex with her.

I don't think setting up a one-upmanship pattern of "dueling lunch dates" is the answer. Where each of you tries to come up with the hotter lunch partner. Why even bother with the relationship at that point?

gf having lunch with guy friend

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