R
Rubato
Guest
After a little stunt with some oneitis, I wanted to take stock of what I learned from my experience so as not to repeat it. I am not done constructing the lessons I have learned, but this is where I'll start.
The Lessons:
I am a man. Therefore, I am not a woman.
As the man, I have certain relational responsibilities only I can effectively carry out. It is contrary to nature to expect a woman to fulfill a man's duties. As a man, it is essential I do these in order for my future relationships to be successful:
Take 100% responsibility for all escalation. This includes sexual and emotional escalation.
Sexual Escalation
A woman waits for a man to make a move and becomes frustrated when he does not do so. His punishment for this is LJBF.
A man makes a move when he is attracted to a woman, and this is natural. If he finds himself in the dreaded "friendzone" or is unhappy with the current level of sexuality exhibited, it is not the woman's fault. It is his. This does not feel good, but nonetheless, is good feedback for him and he must face the reality that 2 things contributed to this (either seperately or together):
1. He chooses women poorly and needs to select higher quality women.
2. He never escalated.
Guru's will probably not solve a man's dating problems for him, but Sinn makes a very good point with his "Go First" Principle. It is incumbent upon the man to "go first" in all things related to sexual escalation. A woman will rarely "go first" as it is not in her nature and is not congruent with current societal conditioning norms. The man must always "go first".
The man can make plenty of excuses for why he has not been able to "go first", but these are ultimately excuses and do nothing to remedy the fact that no escalation has taken place. If there is a legitimate encumbrance keeping the man from escalating, he needs to deal with that. He is the man after all. For example, if the date venue is not conducive to sexual escalation, change venues! Be the man and lead in all things, including sexual escalation. If it does not happen, it is the man's fault.
Emotional escalation
The man also leads this, but in a way differentiated from sexual escalation. A man must be very careful, just as though he were playing a game of cards with his entire life bet on his hand, not to "show his hand" to the girl. Emotional escalation does not follow the "go first" principle.
Investment is a very strong factor in determining emotional escalation, and it is in the man's best interested to lead emotional escalation in such a way as to maximize the girl's investment in to the interaction and minimize his own. Making the girl travel to see you is a good thing. Being the one who constantly travels to see her is not. You are investing a good deal in the interaction by traveling to see her; she is not, because she doesn't have to do anything.
"Showing your hand" to a girl is the equivalent to seeing the "Game Over" screen on a video game. She knows the jig is up and that her work is done. It is much better for the girl to wonder whether or not you actually like her than for her to be convinced that you do.
Thought is a very powerful investment tool. If the girl is hung up as to whether or not you like her, she will not spend much effort, if she spends any at all, thinking about you and investing her thoughts in to you. Conversely, if she has no idea whether you like her because you've kept your cards very close to you, she will have to wonder.
Many males wrongfully assume that attraction is developed between two people as they spend time together or directly communicating. This is not true. Attraction developes when people are apart and they use their minds to contruct visions of what they hope the person they are seeing is, rather than concrete statues of who they actually are.
This is why constant contact is a bad idea. The reason gold is so valuable is because there is a limited supply of it - it's a scarce resource. The reason why paper, by weight, is much less valuable than gold is because paper is much less scarce than gold. A man should be a scarce resource. If he constantly throws himself at a woman, he is not scarce and not valuable. The woman will never have any cause to worry about losing him because that fear has never been validated by his actions.
Remember Pook - Judge by actions, not by words.
Back to Sinn once again, negative emotions like jealousy or anxiety are perhaps the most powerful (he said painful, but I like powerful better) way for a girl to realize she is attracted to you. Both of these will undoubtedly correlate to her investing high levels of thought in to you. Worry, anxiety, real jealousy and other negative emotions like that are always followed in tandem by excessive amounts of thought. A lot of these terms are defined in some way by the type of excessive thinking associated with them.
Capatalizing on investment helps secure what a man ultimately wants from a woman - emotional investment. Emotional investment is what leads to emotional escalation. This is where a man expects the woman to abide by the "go first principle". Where he directly lead sexually, he leads the woman to directly lead emotionally. Just because the man does not directly lead in this case does not mean he is not leading... it just means he is not the first one to say:
"I like you"
"I miss you"
"You are special to me"
"I'm glad I have you in my life"
"I love you"
Ect.
And any derivation of the above.
If he is not indirectly leading the woman strong enough for her to say these things unsollicitedly, he is doing something wrong. Explaining what that is is not the focus of this and would take more time to type up than what I have. Instead, I will refer all those interested to the lovely DJ Bible and Book of Pook
The Lessons:
I am a man. Therefore, I am not a woman.
As the man, I have certain relational responsibilities only I can effectively carry out. It is contrary to nature to expect a woman to fulfill a man's duties. As a man, it is essential I do these in order for my future relationships to be successful:
Take 100% responsibility for all escalation. This includes sexual and emotional escalation.
Sexual Escalation
A woman waits for a man to make a move and becomes frustrated when he does not do so. His punishment for this is LJBF.
A man makes a move when he is attracted to a woman, and this is natural. If he finds himself in the dreaded "friendzone" or is unhappy with the current level of sexuality exhibited, it is not the woman's fault. It is his. This does not feel good, but nonetheless, is good feedback for him and he must face the reality that 2 things contributed to this (either seperately or together):
1. He chooses women poorly and needs to select higher quality women.
2. He never escalated.
Guru's will probably not solve a man's dating problems for him, but Sinn makes a very good point with his "Go First" Principle. It is incumbent upon the man to "go first" in all things related to sexual escalation. A woman will rarely "go first" as it is not in her nature and is not congruent with current societal conditioning norms. The man must always "go first".
The man can make plenty of excuses for why he has not been able to "go first", but these are ultimately excuses and do nothing to remedy the fact that no escalation has taken place. If there is a legitimate encumbrance keeping the man from escalating, he needs to deal with that. He is the man after all. For example, if the date venue is not conducive to sexual escalation, change venues! Be the man and lead in all things, including sexual escalation. If it does not happen, it is the man's fault.
Emotional escalation
The man also leads this, but in a way differentiated from sexual escalation. A man must be very careful, just as though he were playing a game of cards with his entire life bet on his hand, not to "show his hand" to the girl. Emotional escalation does not follow the "go first" principle.
Investment is a very strong factor in determining emotional escalation, and it is in the man's best interested to lead emotional escalation in such a way as to maximize the girl's investment in to the interaction and minimize his own. Making the girl travel to see you is a good thing. Being the one who constantly travels to see her is not. You are investing a good deal in the interaction by traveling to see her; she is not, because she doesn't have to do anything.
"Showing your hand" to a girl is the equivalent to seeing the "Game Over" screen on a video game. She knows the jig is up and that her work is done. It is much better for the girl to wonder whether or not you actually like her than for her to be convinced that you do.
Thought is a very powerful investment tool. If the girl is hung up as to whether or not you like her, she will not spend much effort, if she spends any at all, thinking about you and investing her thoughts in to you. Conversely, if she has no idea whether you like her because you've kept your cards very close to you, she will have to wonder.
Many males wrongfully assume that attraction is developed between two people as they spend time together or directly communicating. This is not true. Attraction developes when people are apart and they use their minds to contruct visions of what they hope the person they are seeing is, rather than concrete statues of who they actually are.
This is why constant contact is a bad idea. The reason gold is so valuable is because there is a limited supply of it - it's a scarce resource. The reason why paper, by weight, is much less valuable than gold is because paper is much less scarce than gold. A man should be a scarce resource. If he constantly throws himself at a woman, he is not scarce and not valuable. The woman will never have any cause to worry about losing him because that fear has never been validated by his actions.
Remember Pook - Judge by actions, not by words.
Back to Sinn once again, negative emotions like jealousy or anxiety are perhaps the most powerful (he said painful, but I like powerful better) way for a girl to realize she is attracted to you. Both of these will undoubtedly correlate to her investing high levels of thought in to you. Worry, anxiety, real jealousy and other negative emotions like that are always followed in tandem by excessive amounts of thought. A lot of these terms are defined in some way by the type of excessive thinking associated with them.
Capatalizing on investment helps secure what a man ultimately wants from a woman - emotional investment. Emotional investment is what leads to emotional escalation. This is where a man expects the woman to abide by the "go first principle". Where he directly lead sexually, he leads the woman to directly lead emotionally. Just because the man does not directly lead in this case does not mean he is not leading... it just means he is not the first one to say:
"I like you"
"I miss you"
"You are special to me"
"I'm glad I have you in my life"
"I love you"
Ect.
And any derivation of the above.
If he is not indirectly leading the woman strong enough for her to say these things unsollicitedly, he is doing something wrong. Explaining what that is is not the focus of this and would take more time to type up than what I have. Instead, I will refer all those interested to the lovely DJ Bible and Book of Pook