Getting over a ONEITIS. HELP!

Dear friends,

I am writing this to ask for help on how to get over this burden I have had for the past 2 months. I thought I have done my best to move on from this oneitis but unfortunately things are not going as well as I expected. I am sure similar situations have been mentioned in this forum but I would like to share my personal experience and I hope that by writing it out, it will help me get over this more quickly.

This thread will provide some background information.
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=154967To summarise, it was sort of long distance (1 hour away by flight) and I think I fouled it up by overanalyzing, invested too much emotionally too early and giving off the needy vibe. Inevitably, I was rejected in the end.

Before this incident, I thought I was a confident guy with a good future (medical doctor). Everyone was saying getting girls will not be a problem. I believed that as I had no trouble getting average to above average girls. However, I don’t really fancy them so I turned them into my friends while I look for better ones out there. And since I have not placed girls as my top priority, I could handle rejections pretty well. That is, until I met this girl.

Since I met this girl, I have experienced emotional ups and downs like never before. Even during trying times in the army or university, I did not feel that bad. And the thing is, she wasn’t playing with me. It was from me. Thankfully, it did not affect my job.

I am not writing this to argue if I still have a chance with this girl. I know for sure I have to move on. However, I just can’t seem to stop blaming myself for what has happened. As I read through the forums, I realized the mistakes I have made with her and the things I did right with the other girls before I met her. The thing is, if I had done what I always did, I may have gotten her! This insight was especially painful. In fact, it may well be the most crucial reason that explains my anguish.

I think I had turned into this emotional mess because she was very pretty and intelligent and fits most of my other criteria. I have never met someone like her before. And I don’t know if I ever will. I know many will lambaste me for this ‘scarcity mentality’ but I cannot help but feel that way now.

Since the LJBF line, I have not initiated any contact with her. She still texts me festive greetings from time to time and I would reply politely and tersely. The distance makes no contact easier. I had taken vacation, gone out with friends as much as I could, etc. I may be changing my work place to a private hospital as well (ie career advancement which normally means increase in income). However, as much as I tried to distract myself, the thought of her still creeps back from time to time. I tend to compare the girls I saw on the street or the ones I just knew with her, and they just don’t measure up (in terms of looks).

I am grateful that my best friends and family have been supporting me throughout this whole thing, and they never once brushed me off. I on the other hand am embarrassed to consult them anymore as it is now from me. They advised that it is better to fail early and it may be a blessing in disguise.

I know that given enough time, the feeling will get less and less intense. I am experiencing this now. But can I truly forget and become indifferent? Will the feelings resurface once more if I inadvertently bump into her again? I am not so sure…

Thanks for taking time to read this long post. I hope experienced posters will share some valuable insights to help me and others in a similar predicament get over this quickly.

hey bro,

I am pretty much going through the same thing.

Dwelling on our missteps that we wish we could re-do is pretty painful. It sucks to think about how things we did made them lose interest. Ultimately I have chalked it off as a learning experience that hopefully will never repeat itself. You gotta GROW from this experience, make sure your inner game is stronger after this outcome.

Time, and being around people that enjoy your company is the key.

My mindset has started changing, from thinking that I am missing out by not having her by my side,

to she is missing out by not being with me. Instead of thinking, "what is she doing right now, and who is she with," think, "its too bad things didn't work out because she could be having fun with me." it's not a lie, it's THE TRUTH.

depending on your mindset, contact can either be detrimental or reinforcing to your growth. you obviously have a lot to offer a woman, so keep your head up and get back on the saddle.

I hope this helps brother.

yeah! said:

I hope experienced posters will share some valuable insights to help me and others in a similar predicament get over this quickly.

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I believe that you and she parted company in mid December 2008- right ?
If so, you have only been in the friendszone for about seven weeks.
Geez, get a grip. Grief does not run on a calendar,,it takes as long as it takes.
HOWEVER, why are you still replying to her texts ? SHe just slapped you with the biggest insult and you are still playing her LJBF games. WHY ?
Make NO mistake. Her text "greetings" are all about guilt mitigation and keeping you on a loooong thin thread in case she has some USE for you in the future..
If you really want to move on, you have to CUT her off -

jophil28 said:

I believe that you and she parted company in mid December 2008- right ?
If so, you have only been in the friendszone for about seven weeks.
Geez, get a grip. Grief does not run on a calendar,,it takes as long as it takes.
HOWEVER, why are you still replying to her texts ? SHe just slapped you with the biggest insult and you are still playing her LJBF games. WHY ?
Make NO mistake. Her text "greetings" are all about guilt mitigation and keeping you on a loooong thin thread in case she has some USE for you in the future..
If you really want to move on, you have to CUT her off -

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Thank you all for the advice.

Her parents and my parents are friends for a long time(although I didn't meet her till recently). I thought that it is only polite to reply and I try to make the text as short as possible.

Please keep the advice coming. I really appreciate it. Thanks.

ask her if she has any friends that you'd be interested in. If you aint' gonna cut off contact, might as well use her as a resource. After you start dating her friends, ask her stuff like "what would be the best way to ask for a blowjob?" or "is $75 too much to pay for a hooker?" or "if a girl swallows, does that mean she likes me?"

be sure to let her know how much you value her friendship and her female opinion on these important matters.

yeah! said:

I know that given enough time, the feeling will get less and less intense. I am experiencing this now. But can I truly forget and become indifferent? Will the feelings resurface once more if I inadvertently bump into her again? I am not so sure…

Thanks for taking time to read this long post. I hope experienced posters will share some valuable insights to help me and others in a similar predicament get over this quickly.

Click to expand...

Time is the key factor and you have to be patient. You'll realize that it really isn't about her but about you. She penetrated the weakest part of your psyche and is now the personification of everything that you were vulnerable to. She is the catalyst for you to become a more secure and confident man.

You'll probably never forget her since she inspired so much pain in you. However, through that pain and self-reflection you'll hopefully grow and be thankful to her for being the one that set you on the right path to a better self-awareness.


If you "bump" into her before you've set your Ego free from her it will be difficult and painful. That just means you need to do more work on yourself.

Good luck.



Cheers!

I've noticed that many guys have that "one" girl who throws them for a loop and gets them questioning everything that society has taught them about women and dating and relationships. Then they decide whether to "get it" or forever become an AFC.

This is your crossroad.

Checked the "background" thread. If a girl has to ask, "Are you interested in me?" it usually means you've been creeping her out by hanging around her and trying to get her to "notice you" without actually making any advances because you're too scared and ashamed.

This is the FIRST time you've felt these kinds of things? What, were you homeschooled or something? Sh*t, my first crush was in like, 2nd grade?

You've got some growing up to do, doctor. Plain and simple. There's no "cure" for this. The body heals itself over time. Rest your heart long enough for the worst pain to subside, then resume activity as you heal. Don't rest TOO long because your injured "romance muscles" will atrophy, but don't overdo it.

Becoming strong in the game of love is a matter of tearing your heart little by little, and letting it grow stronger over the time. Get your ass in the "gym of love" and hit the weights. Best way to get over one-itis is to find other women.

taiyuu_otoko said:

ask her if she has any friends that you'd be interested in. If you aint' gonna cut off contact, might as well use her as a resource. After you start dating her friends, ask her stuff like "what would be the best way to ask for a blowjob?" or "is $75 too much to pay for a hooker?" or "if a girl swallows, does that mean she likes me?"

be sure to let her know how much you value her friendship and her female opinion on these important matters.

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T-Otoko - I see you've learned a neat new trick!

Keeping her as a resource in such a way is a brilliant idea, too.

Will the feelings resurface once more if I inadvertently bump into her again?

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Undoubtedly. That's one reason no contact is very useful when healing. Every encounter otherwise could be a step back in the process and delay the healing process.

Maybe it's best to always have two girls instead of one, as I've never seen anyone post anything about having to get over two-itis

taiyuu_otoko said:

ask her if she has any friends that you'd be interested in. If you aint' gonna cut off contact, might as well use her as a resource. After you start dating her friends, ask her stuff like "what would be the best way to ask for a blowjob?" or "is $75 too much to pay for a hooker?" or "if a girl swallows, does that mean she likes me?"

be sure to let her know how much you value her friendship and her female opinion on these important matters.

Click to expand...

Priceless !

THis technique may be the all time greatest way to get rid of a woman who just LJBF you but tries to keep you dangling to use you when it suits her.

jophil28 said:

Priceless !

THis technique may be the all time greatest way to get rid of a woman who just LJBF you but tries to keep you dangling to use you when it suits her.

Click to expand...

It's a great technique to get rid of her, for sure. I've used it on all of my LJBFs who tried to keep me hanging around, and it's pretty obvious that they are very insincere with their friendship offer. Once you've pulled something like that out, she'll know that you're no sucker and will cut you off. Unless she somehow really likes you (but not sexually) - very unlikely in this scenario - she will not hook you up with her friends.

Ditto Jitterbug. The usual reason an ex keeps in touch (if she's dumped you) is strictly for her own benefit, never for yours. So the minute you show her that you're not under her spell she has no further use for you in her world.

Generally speaking, she's not going to raise much of a finger trying to hook you up with her friends... unless it's maybe her middle finger. Besides, her friends are her friends, they're not on your side.