Feedback from Ex - would love your thoughts please

Hey guys,

I know probably bad to get feedback from an ex but I always appreciate feedback on everything I do in life and use it to better myself.

Now history is that I was very serious with this girl for about 2 years and helped her and her family out in a major life crisis. She broke up with me in the end and moved onto another guy within a week (married him). I was depressed about 6 months. Took another 6 months to get over it but then had the best 2 years of my life. I really developed my career, hobbies and met better girls (wow, its true but NEVER would have believed it at the time).

Anyway, got the facebook add and was cool with it. No hard feelings as I must admit, my life is better without her in that way. She sent me a message about something silly and I replied including:

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Saw you at Bhangra. You looked really happy watching the fire twirlers and with your husband. At first I was so happy you were happy and then I got sad for some reason I guess. Just thinking about myself and my journey. How I would like a companion but perhaps I never allow myself to completely be a companion. Then I got happy again for you both as you genuinely looked happy and I have had a good path since also.
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She replied with some great feedback:


[heretolearn] breakin into you was like breaking into a lead wall, and it was exhausting and upsetting yet thrilling. Eventually one will make an assumption about you and make their own wall.

This is outright waste of life.

WHy cant you completely open? are you trying to be god??????? i know i have that fantasty? its a lonley fantasy?

SOmetimes i felt that you thought you felt you were higher existence and knew better, either way, this doesnt create a companionship, it creates a "i wiser than you ship" eg " I used to speak to you and you used to reply me in silence, and just look into space and smile"

Maybe its your turn to land onto the planet.

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You know, I am me and am cool with that but am always happy to acknowledge things I can improve and she is pretty accurate with her analysis. I am pretty scared to open up to someone as I hate to be judged. Categorised.

The silence and smile stuff was usually when I felt like something was silly or I felt she was trying to provoke me.

Now I am NOT talking about this girl. We had our lessons for each other. But I have noted the same thing in myself in relationships since.

Any thoughts/similar experiences? Is this just a maturity thing for me before I learn how to 'commit'?

thanks heaps, this may sound silly but is really important for me.

2.5 years later and you're still sending chumpass messages like this to an ex-girlfriend. You do realize that you look like a nutless pvssy to her, right? She will never respect you again. I suggest you stay as far away from this person as possible, as she will only reflect negative energy on you, proven by this "pity message" you sent her.

It could ideally be many things: doesn't want to associate you with crisis, you don't spend enough time with her, has emotional needs you can't provide...blah..blah...blah...I can come up with plenty more reasons/excuse why ideally you two broke up.

But all I see is that she has no respect for you. She is stepping all over you. Once you lose the respect, you lose the relationship. If you are looking for self improvement, you need to learn to set the expectation early in the relationship. You are the man, and she has to respect you.

Compare your tone to hers in your writing. It hurts my eyes to read her reply. Stay away from this woman, no good will come from it.

From this point on, say to yourself:

TAKE NO VERBAL ABUSE FROM WOMEN!!!

Repeat for me Three (3) times a day.

"Feedback" means to you being put down?

Heretolearn,


Funny how she didn't think you were so exhausting, so hard to know, and so undesireable when you were footing the bill and helping her and her broke-assed family out, huh?

It's a reason why this woman was able to move on from you faster than the speed of light----and you KNOW what it is. So no need to go into that here now....

I'll just say that it's obvious that this "woman" is definitely no lady at this point. In fact, I think of her as only a typical female opportunist who manipulates situations and re-fashions historical facts in such a way that absolves her of any responsibility or GUILT in order to suit her own ends.

She's in NO position to lecture you on anything other than how to use a lover's time, care (demonstrated by your outreach to her and her family), and resources just long enough to where you've found their replacement-----then, TRADE "the fukk" UP.

Don't you DARE put yourself in a position again where you're tempted to share your feelings with this woman-----she's not worth it.

And you're BETTER than that.

From here on out-----accept the bulk of your advice, and take the lion's share of your feedback from people who either STILL give a shyt about you, or from people who have no personal agenda in running your self-esteem through with a bayonet.

You HAVE been briefed.

Soldier on, my friend.

Victory Unlimited said:

I'll just say that it's obvious that this "woman" is definitely no lady at this point. In fact, I think of her as only a typical female opportunist who manipulates situations and re-fashions historical facts in such a way that absolves her of any responsibility or GUILT in order to suit her own ends.


Soldier on, my friend.

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Western women and their SOP. Sheesh !

I was going to bang your head against the wall but VU did it for me.

Why would you even CONSIDER connecting with her again after she accepted you help and then traded you in for another chump. ??
YOu were DISCARDED after she got that assistance from you.

Never give these woman one more COMMA from you.

Heretolearn said:

Saw you at Bhangra. You looked really happy watching the fire twirlers and with your husband. At first I was so happy you were happy and then I got sad for some reason I guess.....
.

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To be honest and blunt , the quote above makes me squirm .

It is so f**king feminine in style Like something one twenty-something chick would say to another ...

Gee, some interesting responses but love how you say what you feel lol

1) Why did you guys think I cared what this girl thought of me for the future? Perhaps I was ambiguous or missed something. I have no intentions with her at all and have had a much better life without her.

The key though is that I am considering will I ever be ready to 'settle down'/be committed to someone' and I thought that her examination of my behaviour may assist that.

VU: Why do you say this woman was able to move on in the speed of light? (true and I ask for myself as interested in learning from the situation. Several times I have been with girls or seen others and it seemingly happens but they are doing the monkey branch reach unbeknownst to you. Looking back after the fact, the pieces make sense)

As for contacting an ex after a couple of years when i am not interested well I do not see the crime. If I let it affect my self esteem then yes but I am more looking to get in touch with myself and what I am putting out to the world.

It is important for me to learn from everything in life.

Heretolearn said:

As for contacting an ex after a couple of years when i am not interested well I do not see the crime.
.

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And I do not see the point of the contact that you made with her . People do things for a reason, however obscure..what was your's ?

If you really were "not interested" why contact her at all. What was in it for you?

and when it's overrrrr
will you still come over?

when she becomes and ex always take what she says with a grain of salt. often times women will make conscious reasoning and logic based on their subconscious. it's always good to get feedback from other people, it helps us put things in perspective sometimes and become better people.

my ex told me she is sick of my face. that she never loved me and is not in love with me. that she is not attracted to me.

most of that i eventually translated into that the fvcking CVNT had been cheating on me for several months. she felt so guilty about how much of a dirty wh0re she is and eventually she grew to resent me because when she was with me i was such a good guy; going places, laughing, enjoying life.. ..and she felt like a piece of **** and began to blame me subconsciously as a defense mechanism in her twisted mind. looking for reasons to validate herself.

what a sick twisted b1tch.

anyways. self reflect, grow and improve; but never, ever take what a woman says to heart after it is over (and most likely fvkcing other dudes), regardless of whether or not she still comes over.

good luck!

Heretolearn said:

It is important for me to learn from everything in life.

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That is true, and I am hoping that you learned that this kind of contact NEVER achieves anything beneficial.
YOu just scratched an old wound, and received disrespect and insults in her reply for your trouble..

Dumbass move.

Heretolearn said:

It is important for me to learn from everything in life.

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It's a good attitude to have, but all you're gonna learn from women and taking their advices on dating & relationships is that women lie and they have no idea what they want.

Besides, I doubt that (your being closed off) was the reason she left you. Even if it was, she'd be a lower quality woman than she is now.

My father nearly went broke helping my mother and her family, just like you did. Getting my old man to open up about anything is like getting a nun to open her legs. My mother complains about it at times, but she still loves him, married him and they've been together happily for 30 years. She thinks he's The One and considers him her greatest benefactor after what he did.

Uncle Jophil: no she isn't a western woman.

Jitterbug said:

Uncle Jophil: no she isn't a western woman.

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I gathered that you are not causasian from your recent post. Your mother sounds like a "quality woman" ..lucky you to have half her genes.

This is funny, I never considered about her coming over or whatever. And if she hated me blah blah that is emotions.

I had 2 reasons for my post:

1) Is feedback from an ex ever useful - consensus seems a resounding no ha ha

2) Comments on my specific feedback.

My point is that her feedback is quite accurate. Lets pretend the feedback is from someone else that knew me well.

What would you say about the feedback and how would you handle it if you were me or suggest I handle it?

THanks

Heretolearn said:

My point is that her feedback is quite accurate. Lets pretend the feedback is from someone else that knew me well.

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Her feedback may be accurate - so what?
What other people think of you is nothing to do with you..none of your business.
What YOU think of you is the deal.....

I would suggest that you should place little value on the opinion and approval of others.
The Apostle Paul said " We look at life though a glass darkly "...or something similar.
HE was aware that we all filter our observations and evaluations and they become our PERCEPTIONS .Our perceptions are not reality,and neither are your Ex's criticisms of you.

jophil28 said:

Her feedback may be accurate - so what?
What other people think of you is nothing to do with you..none of your business.
What YOU think of you is the deal.....

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Thanks, this is the point I am missing and what I need to learn.

Never root through the garbage once you've dragged the can to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and if you find what you're looking for it's still the same thing you threw away.

Your conversations from your OP make you sound like 15 y.o. girl in some Shakesperian tragedy.

Rollo Tomassi said:

Never root through the garbage once you've dragged the can to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and if you find what you're looking for it's still the same thing you threw away.

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You know, sometimes it's the most simplistic observations that pack the most punch.

This is a work of beauty. Let this sit in your mind and stew a bit. It'll cook out all of the lard from you pining for this broad's affirmation of who you want to be.

1) As others have said, STOP TALKING TO YOUR EX!

I am a big proponent of not burning bridges, but at the same time if you end a serious relationship you WALK AWAY. There is no good in keeping contact with an ex. All you are doing is feeding her ego.

2) Take everything a woman says with a grain of salt.

3) When a woman says something "bad" about you, a lot of times it is actually good. It means that she's on the line and you have her wanting more.

darkstarrr said:

my ex told me she is sick of my face. that she never loved me and is not in love with me. that she is not attracted to me.

most of that i eventually translated into that the fvcking CVNT had been cheating on me for several months. she felt so guilty about how much of a dirty wh0re she is and eventually she grew to resent me because when she was with me i was such a good guy; going places, laughing, enjoying life.. ..and she felt like a piece of **** and began to blame me subconsciously as a defense mechanism in her twisted mind. looking for reasons to validate herself.

what a sick twisted b1tch.

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Dude, I'm not trying to make fun of you or anything, but when I read this i thought of the guy David from the movie 40 Year Old Virgin.

I know she fukked you up and all, but you gotta let it go. I can assure you that she isn't NEARLY as invested in this as you are and all you are doing is keeping open a festering wound.

To the OP: Have you considered its possible she does not speak the Truth? Is it possible she might not accept the Truth herself? Or that she might not know even what the Truth is about why you two didn't work? When getting advice consider the source.