Need help with this one fellow DJ's

This is the first time this has ever happened to me, I meet this girl awhile back, we started to date went out a few times, then her cousin (close to her like a brother) died. She told me then I did not hear from her for about two weeks, out of the blue I get a text from her saying she’s real sorry and her head in not in the right place. I text her back I understand, you need to take care of you before you can give anything to anyone else, let alone relationships. Well last Sat I get a text from her she's saying I was thinking about you I want to see you. We had such amazing dates I figure I would give it a try since she had all the reason in the world to do what she did. I took her out last night and it went amazing again, she did breakdown after a few drinks about her cousin I was consoling her and made her feel better. I walked her to the train like 12:30 (I live in NYC) I told her text me when you get home, I want to make sure you get home safe... after 2am I don't hear a word from her, this morning same thing. This is exactly what happened last time after the death of her cousin. I text her this morning

“I am going to be honest, I know after a few dates and what we talked about there is serious potential for you and me. I am totally sympathetic to your loss; I can help you work through it. I can’t go through another you not talking to me for a few weeks, relationships are all about communication, and if you can’t communicate with me when things are going on, then I can’t date you. Ignoring feelings/emotions and issues will not make then go away you need to deal with them; things are always going to get harder before the get better. Just don’t ignore what you feel because I fee it too”

I normally would not go through all this unless I did seriously feel something for her, am I doing the right thing here? I mean I fell like understanding her situation and her not text or call back is a Hugh problem, in the sense this is how she deals with issues, what happens down the road if something with us were to arise.

eyedea40 said:

“I am going to be honest, I know after a few dates and what we talked about there is serious potential for you and me. I am totally sympathetic to your loss; I can help you work through it. I can’t go through another you not talking to me for a few weeks, relationships are all about communication, and if you can’t communicate with me when things are going on, then I can’t date you. Ignoring feelings/emotions and issues will not make then go away you need to deal with them; things are always going to get harder before the get better. Just don’t ignore what you feel because I fee it too”

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This is pretty desperate. A girls main test is to see if a man is hooked or not. If he's hooked, her interest will lower. If he's not hooked and he's going on about his business without any need or desperate attempt to have interaction with her, her interest will raise. Her interest in direct correlation to how you respond to her. Anytime your doing something to get a rise out of a woman or a certain response, you're acting upon you weaknesses.

All you really should have text messaged was that you were wondering if she was ok or not. That's it. If she didn't respond to you, then you would know exactly where the two of you stand. There's no need to try so hard. The harder you try, the less likely it's going to work out.

If she's not going to put in as much effort in it as you, then say bye bye. Don't let your ego run right over you.

eyedea40 said:

T “I am going to be honest, I know after a few dates and what we talked about there is serious potential for you and me. I am totally sympathetic to your loss; I can help you work through it. I can’t go through another you not talking to me for a few weeks, relationships are all about communication, and if you can’t communicate with me when things are going on, then I can’t date you. Ignoring feelings/emotions and issues will not make then go away you need to deal with them; things are always going to get harder before the get better. Just don’t ignore what you feel because I fee it too”

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While I agree that the bolded line is desparate and super AFC, I don't see a problem with the rest of it. She's going through some serious hard times, its not easy to get over and I think he would score HUGE brownie points for doing so. But I think he might be ok if she doesn't get focussed on that ONE line but its pretty hard for her not to do.

Its a shame he ruined it with that one line. Unfortunately that ONE line is so telling of his personality and where this relationship will go. Straight to brokenheartsville then on to oneitisville.

This man is doomed for years to come, I guarantee it.

MacAvoy said:

Its a shame he ruined it with that one line. Unfortunately that ONE line is so telling of his personality and where this relationship will go. Straight to brokenheartsville then on to oneitisville.

This man is doomed for years to come, I guarantee it.

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Even though that one line was the most desperate part, the text is so long and wordy that the whole thing SCREAMS desperation.

eyedea40 said:

I normally would not go through all this unless I did seriously feel something for her, am I doing the right thing here? I mean I fell like understanding her situation and her not text or call back is a Hugh problem, in the sense this is how she deals with issues, what happens down the road if something with us were to arise.

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You may think you understand her situation but you don't.

The text message was a bad idea.

The situation you have over here is that you are stuck between being the seducer and being the saviour. The problem is that in this stage of the game you can't afford to be both.

You may think that you are being compassionate and showing what a good person you are by being there for her and trying to understand the situation, but in reality all you are doing is lowering her interests.

The one line did sound a bit desperate but was not intended like that, it should have been more like I don't want to deal with it... Well update anyway, she did text me back, turned out her phone charger was at work and she thought the text message was sweet and one of the nicest things anyone has told her.. I guess she’s was focusing on the sympathy part. So I will keep you guys updated, I don't plain on seeing her for a few days. Thanks for the advice..

EYEDEA40, put an age on your profile.

Keep in mind that it's NOT AFC to console and be sympathetic to a girl in a situation like this. Most will find the strength that you show very attractive.

However, it IS AFC to do these things in return for her affections, and that text you sent seemed to indicate that.

You shouldn't have brought up the "relationship," or lack thereof, at all. You told her to text you to let you know she got home ok--so your follow-up should have logically been to make sure she was safe, instead of turning it into a mini-lecture about communication within a relationship.

You need to back off this kind of talk, because if you pressure or give an ultimatum to a girl that has other things on her mind, she will run no matter how much she likes you. Concentrate on continuing to have a great time with her without complicating things unnecessarily.

Jeffst1980 said:

Keep in mind that it's NOT AFC to console and be sympathetic to a girl in a situation like this. Most will find the strength that you show very attractive.

However, it IS AFC to do these things in return for her affections, and that text you sent seemed to indicate that.

You shouldn't have brought up the "relationship," or lack thereof, at all. You told her to text you to let you know she got home ok--so your follow-up should have logically been to make sure she was safe, instead of turning it into a mini-lecture about communication within a relationship.

You need to back off this kind of talk, because if you pressure or give an ultimatum to a girl that has other things on her mind, she will run no matter how much she likes you. Concentrate on continuing to have a great time with her without complicating things unnecessarily.

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I agree, but in this case most of these things were discussed all ready, she’s older then me (28) and wants something serious. I figured I am game since I have had my share of fun these last few months. I guess my choice of words might have been poor, but the point is she was totally understanding, I guess me and her are on the same page.

MacAvoy said:

She's going through some serious hard times, its not easy to get over and I think he would score HUGE brownie points for doing so.

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eyedea40 said:

she thought the text message was sweet and one of the nicest things anyone has told her..

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Man am I ever good. You guys are so obsessed with hard fast rules that you allow it to dictate your life. You never want to romance or make a women fantasize about you? Thats how you make her wet in her panties. However what you guys don't realize is that its all about balance.

You guys don't read enough details and automatically jump to conclusions. The reason why I KNEW this would work was because of the important details that the OP was smart enough to post, specifically her high IL. Secondly the fact that they were having an amazing date and she broke down mid way through it, she's traumatized and this appeals to her emotions at a time when she's emotional.

You MM posters should KNOW better by know. I'm ashamed that you lack alot of core knowledge and stick to ABC DJ principles without balance and getting away from hardfast rules.

samspade said:

I didn't realize the goal was to be thought of as sweet and nice. If that's what you're after, go ahead and text AFC messages like the OP's to your heart's desire. You'll be the sweetest, nicest loser around.

Here's the deal: There is nothing wrong with being sympathetic to this woman's plight. It's commendable and admirable. But eyedea40's text was not understanding, or sympathetic, or romantic. It was selfish, because he turned the conversation toward his frustration with her lack of attention, and questions about the "relationship," when it clearly is not her priority right now.

He'll survive the gaffe. But a simple "are you okay?" text that night would have been much better. Considering her state, he shouldn't be lecturing her on her communication habits. If things continue, it will be in spite of that text, not because of it.

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Nah, I think Mac is right. You're a little too caught up in textbook DJ Bible thinking. The line Mac bolded was AFC, but that's about it. I think in a situation like this it's OK to be consoling and maybe say a few things that you normally wouldn't. The chick had high IL - so high that she was willing to breakdown in front of him - and her emotional state might have called for the text as well.

I kind of see your point about the text being selfish, and maybe you're right about that. But there was nothing loserish or nice-guy about the OP's text.

Plus, this is Mac, and he is definitely not a nice guy type. He, more or less, promotes cheating and adulterous behavior. I actually don't even think he'll take offense to me saying that.

When you dropped he off after the second date (which was a good idea to accept as she had a valid reason) you should have just said goodnight and gone in for the kiss (test). Then not called or communicated with her for at least 5 days. Why are you asking her to text you ? though if you did re her safety and she didn't text back then she is displaying a lack of integrity. She's out. Also she is showing inconsistent behaviour. It's all in the actions not the words. Don't bother calling her let alone sending a message as you did. Don't worry about it we've all done it. And if she comes back again just be polite and tell her you are seeing someone else at the moment so you don't think it is a good idea. This may significantly ramp up her interest (temporarily) but you can't go backwards as she has already disrespected you and taken you for an AFC. It's like having a nice cake then puting some dirt on it before you put down the icing.

window said:

When you dropped he off after the second date (which was a good idea to accept as she had a valid reason) you should have just said goodnight and gone in for the kiss (test). Then not called or communicated with her for at least 5 days. Why are you asking her to text you ? though if you did re her safety and she didn't text back then she is displaying a lack of integrity. She's out. Also she is showing inconsistent behaviour. It's all in the actions not the words. Don't bother calling her let alone sending a message as you did. Don't worry about it we've all done it. And if she comes back again just be polite and tell her you are seeing someone else at the moment so you don't think it is a good idea. This may significantly ramp up her interest (temporarily) but you can't go backwards as she has already disrespected you and taken you for an AFC. It's like having a nice cake then puting some dirt on it before you put down the icing.

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When we were on the 2nd date she could not keep her hands off me, so the kiss test would have not worked, we were doing that all night. She did text me the night of the 2nd date when she got home it was something like “I had a great time, thank you, I want to see you again soon" I only text her one time after that. The next time I did hear from her was about her cousin, when I did not hear back after a week or so I chalked it up as nice women she’s got some issues, I still have other plates and moved on. I guess the text was out of character but I have never dated anyone who has had a tragedy happen to them like this. I mean I have had g.f’s but that’s on another level. She text me a few times last night I keep it cool now I know she’s really into me, she asked me what I was doing next week and when can I see her. I told her I am not sure and I will get back to her sometime next week. I do keep my self occupied I play hockey three nights a week and train MMA a few days a week also. I have to stay focused and not slip, I have to stay true to the ways of the DJ and not let my life revolve around anyone, great input all around guys.

samspade said:

It sounds like you're doing fine. I didn't mean to be harsh earlier, just giving my honest opinion. It seemed like you were taking her situation and making it all about you, but it sounds like you've both moved past it. Good luck.

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No man, you were not harsh, just honest. That's what we need to hear from time to time. That's why I am here asking for your input !

MacAvoy said:

Man am I ever good. You guys are so obsessed with hard fast rules that you allow it to dictate your life. You never want to romance or make a women fantasize about you? Thats how you make her wet in her panties. However what you guys don't realize is that its all about balance.

You guys don't read enough details and automatically jump to conclusions. The reason why I KNEW this would work was because of the important details that the OP was smart enough to post, specifically her high IL. Secondly the fact that they were having an amazing date and she broke down mid way through it, she's traumatized and this appeals to her emotions at a time when she's emotional.

You MM posters should KNOW better by know. I'm ashamed that you lack alot of core knowledge and stick to ABC DJ principles without balance and getting away from hardfast rules.

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I am ashamed that you called out MM posters while you are being a smug for nothing.

First of, not everything here is black and white as you alluded and pointed to other posters. The poster may still have lowered her interests but it doesn't mean he lowered them low enough for her not to see him again . The OP has a problem and problems do not arise from good situations therefore majority of responses were accurate assessements over the given situation. No "ABC DJ Principle" is needed, I have plenty of experience in this matter to assess the fact that given the OP actions, he didn't do anything to help his situation.

Secondaly how on earth did you conclude that this text message made her panties wet??? did she immediatly ran over and they had hot & wild monkey sex??? NOPE she send him (not called him mind you) a simple text message thanking him and then she made up some lame excuse about the phone charger being at work which still shows a consistent behaviour of low interest. So far all communications were done by text not actions. This all comes down to: Action speaks louder then words. So far all I see is talking and no action to back it up.

Until there is no clear resolution to this, I wouldn't jump up and down for joy or hold my breath on this one.

DJDamage said:

I am ashamed that you called out MM posters while you are being a smug for nothing.

First of, not everything here is black and white as you alluded and pointed to other posters. The poster may still have lowered her interests but it doesn't mean he lowered them low enough for her not to see him again . The OP has a problem and problems do not arise from good situations therefore majority of responses were accurate assessements over the given situation. No "ABC DJ Principle" is needed, I have plenty of experience in this matter to assess the fact that given the OP actions, he didn't do anything to help his situation.

Secondaly how on earth did you conclude that this text message made her panties wet??? did she immediatly ran over and they had hot & wild monkey sex??? NOPE she send him (not called him mind you) a simple text message thanking him and then she made up some lame excuse about the phone charger being at work which still shows a consistent behaviour of low interest. So far all communications were done by text not actions. This all comes down to: Action speaks louder then words. So far all I see is talking and no action to back it up.

Until there is no clear resolution to this, I wouldn't jump up and down for joy or hold my breath on this one.

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I would not say she has low interest, since that day she has been sending me a lot of text messages, this is fine, I hate talking to women on the phone. She is trying to set up our next date, I am just playing it cool, she did want to see me today or tomorrow. I told her I am too busy this weekend, and I am even if I was not I would not tell her anyway, so I said mid next week sometime. We do talk on the phone, its just not my thing, I am not holding my breath on this on I treat it like I do all my other plates. She has to know I am the prize to be won where not vice versa. I do know she’s into me for sure, I can read the signs.

I learned from the infamous text message a good lesson, I should learn to choose my words more carefully in a situation like this, I got lucky in the sense she liked it. I think a big part is when I knew how to console her when she did have the little break down, you can’t show signs of weakness, there seems to be a fine line between showing compassion and weakness.

It's really irrelevant at this stage. The message has been sent and acknowledged.

I would suggest though, that going forward you be careful and tread a fine line by being TO sympathetic.

Don't over do it.

Don't be the guy she's continually crying to - because when she get's out of her funk, you will be left in the curb.


keep it to a minimum from now on. you've let her know your feelings - no need to go there again.

NewMan said:

It's really irrelevant at this stage. The message has been sent and acknowledged.

I would suggest though, that going forward you be careful and tread a fine line by being TO sympathetic.

Don't over do it.

Don't be the guy she's continually crying to - because when she get's out of her funk, you will be left in the curb.


keep it to a minimum from now on. you've let her know your feelings - no need to go there again.

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I agree 100% she knows no need to go down that road again. I think the beer and the wiski has a lot to do with the break down as well.

Update:

Seen her on Saturday, another amazing date, no break downs or mention of any LTR's. I am also finding out that this one is not easy, most women I have been with in the last few months I was sleeping with them after the first few dates. She has been text/calling me to day, asking to hangout this Tuesday, I just told her her I am busy and will have to get back to her. Just trying to play it cool now.