How my beliefs and life was destroyed

How My Belief system and life were destroyed. PLEASE HELP

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I have already posted this in the discussion forum.

However im looking for an older perspective on the situation.

I was with this girl for 2 years, for eight months she was my fiancée. We were both madly in love and were planning to have kids. Then on the day before our two year anniversary, she called me crying and said it wasn’t working out. This confused me greatly and destroyed my beliefs about the man I was, it brought out a lot of insecurities. I would appreciate the advice of anyone on this forum who could look at this situation from the outside and provide me with their thoughts.

Firstly a little of background. I am a Christian and my ex was a Muslim. I am not a weak man, and have lead all of my relationships. I don’t supplicate to women.
I am mixed race, half Brazilian and have English, I am 6’2 and used to model for Armani, I currently work at an investment bank and financially do quite well. Please do not take this as being ostentatious I am just trying to provide you with a frame.

My girl was 22 years old, I am 24, she comes from an Islamic family that is very strict. Her mum and dad do not love each other yet stay together for the sake of the family. Her mom is also terminally ill and has about 1 year left. Her and I were madly in over from day one, she was smart, funny, laid back, financially independent and not demanding. The course of our relation I treated her very well, but was never weak. For 2 years she cooked my dinner Ironed my clothes and did the grocery shopping for my flat.( she still lives with her parents) …on Christmas she snuck out of the house and we went to Disneyland together. Fast forward…

One night we were making love after us both cooking dinner at my place. Everything was great. I drove her home at about 12 oclock am. At about 9 oclock the following day I got a call from her crying, she said it would not work out and that we had no future. This is a girl who I had been through so much with, My parents divorce, and ABORTION..and all of a sudden this out of the blue. I spoke with her that night and she cried for a couple of hours. I then just said whatever and went to bed.

The next day I went past her office to speak about this situation face to face. How can a woman break up with me on the phone after two years!!!!!!!!!!!11 Anyway she started to cry when I saw her, and was very sad. We spoke and she said the reason was that she did not want to disappoint her family and especially her mum who was ill, because they would not approve of me. WE kissed and she said she loved me. I let with no resolution.

1 month later and I still had not contacted her. I then called her to ask for directions to a hospital as I had cut my self badly. Rather than give me directions she walked to my place 25 minutes in the rain and took me to the doc. She sat on my lap and told me how much she missed me. We kissed again and she almost cried.

I then did not speak to her for two week, and had the intention of never speaking to her again. However on the way to work yesterday we saw each other on the underground. We got off together and talked she grabbed me and said she missed me. There was a lot of heavy flirting and touching between both of us and I could see when I looked at her she still loves me. I walked her too work (we work ten minutes walk away from each other) and we kissed again on the cheek. She said I should call her ( I had been ignoring her attempts to make contact until now, She had tried to text me or call me but I did not reply to ANY of them)

I still love this girl but I don t want to go through all of this again. It destroyed all of my beliefs about men/ women and attraction.

I f i dont contact her, will she get over me...

I mean when a woman breaks up with you out of the blue( in unusual circumstances), your ego takes a massive hit, and you immediately start looking for a rebound to validate who you are.

This is what I did, I live in London so it is very multicultural and I have met some very interesting women. However the altercation is still always in the back of my mind.

Bible belt your understanding on Muslim culture is spot on, and opened my eyes to things I previously overlooked, and you are right the whole family including her brothers guilt tripped her I know this because it happened throughout our relationship. They blamed her for her mother condition, saying that because she was sneaking around it was making things worse. (Note her family never ever met me, they always just assumed that she was seeing someone, the only person who new for definite that we were together, was her younger sister, who was sweetie.

I did/and do want to marry her. When she broke up with me. I suggested to her that I would convert to Islam (remember I am a Christian) Please don’t look at this as being weak. I would never change who I am for anyone, however I also believe that I would rather regret something I did than something I didn’t do. And she proved to me consistently for two years that she was worth it. Upon my suggesting this, she started to cry and said that she loved me more than anything and that she would never find someone like me. ( Her previous boyfriends were little want to be thugs and pretend badboys, all of whom had 0 capital, no stability, no ambition, nothing to offer but fake bravado. Anyway she then said that it still would not work because I am not Asian Indian.( there is nothing I can do about this one, A leopard cant change his spots) So I asked her what she wanted to do, and she says asked me If I think being friends would work. I said to her that friends between too people who are attracted to each other and have been in love for two years, is a naïve notion, ultimately not possible. So she said she will have to make her family happy and marry some 30 something year old Muslim , Asian man who her family pick for her.


THIS BREAKS MY HEART, FORCED MARRIAGE. ICANT IMAGINE HER MAKING LOVE TO SOMEONE WHO SHE IS FORCED TO BE WITH, IN MY HEAD ITS ALMOST LIKE RAPE!!!!!!!

How does she not realise that in a couple of years her family will be gone and her happiness will rest on nothing.

I want the best for her, and admire her resolve in choosing her family. However I am the man for her. I truly believe that if I were to sit down with her family and have a conversation about my intentions and feelings, there might actually be some light at the end of the tunnel. I suggested this to her, however she said that they would probably disown her. Interesting note (After we broke up her family found out about the abortion, and her mum threatened to kill herself)

WTF…!!!!!!!!!!

Please help. Your advise would be invaluable.

Thank you

It is possible you are making her life harder, by trying to resolve this constantly and not letting her move on .Even if family forced, and against her wishes. If the family is stacked against you, and Muslim to boot then sometimes its best to know when to walk away. Muslims (more devout ones anyway) are very funny with their women and what they can and can't do. She probably does love you a lot ,but your options are limited really.It’s a sucky situation, but family will control her to side with them no doubt.

This is some heavy sh!t. It also sounds like you're genuinely in love with this girl instead of just clinging to her because you don't have any other options. I grew up in a Christian family and my parents would have two hemorrhages apiece if they knew someone I slept with had an abortion (I'm sure Muslim culture has the same view on abortion). That's like a double no-no, with the whole celibacy and pro-life stance most Christians take.

This girl must have some sort of bond with her family; she might love them or fear them to the point where she'd marry someone she doesn't love. If she elopes with you, she'll probably be disowned by her family. I know that you love this girl, but she's still afraid of being all alone in the world. If you elope with her and somehow things between you and her don't work out, she'll have absolutely no one to turn to in the entire world. When the honeymoon feelings between you and her faded just enough so she could realize that was probably when she broke up with you over the phone.

She obviously has some feelings for you, but you have to remember that some people are more inclined to please their family in spite of their feelings. In a culture with arranged marriages, feelings are pesky little things that get in the way of a cultural tradition, and the family that she's in is much more invested in honoring tradition than embracing a new way of living. To any strictly religious family, it seems the idea of "true happiness" is honoring old traditions.

Where does this put you? Only God knows, man. This whole thing sounds like a huge mess. Thankfully her family doesn't know who you are (except her little sister). I wish there was an easy answer to this, like "plate-spinning theory" or "don't capitulate," but this problem is a much more complicated one involving strong social and romantic forces.

"In the end, the world always wins. That's just the way of things." - Khaled Hosseini (In reference to a similar situation - forbidden love because of family discrepencies)

Save her and her family the trouble and stress. she'd probably be worse off with you, unfortunately. Also, maybe don't treat her so harshly. Maybe return her texts or answer her calls, because it's really not her fault, even though you want to drop it. Just treat her like a normal person

Alright, I don't care how long you were engaged to somebody or what you went through with another person, but the fact that your beliefs and life is destroyed because of the break up shows that you are, in fact, WEAK.

You are not a Man.

A Man creates his own beliefs and value system. He doesn't let any external factors be an important piece of the foundation of the belief system. You don't form beliefs about life and happiness based on a girlfriend or a fiancee. Why? Because the girlfriend and the fiancee is not a sure thing. But you are. Try to build a foundation with something that is tentative is absurd. Do you see WHY your beliefs and value system was destroyed?

Now, what to do about this situation. You can tell her all you want and proclaim your love all you want to her, but the fact of the matter is that she still has to choose what to do. You can't make a choice for her. Her family isn't making the choice for her either. The only difference between you and her family is that her family is having a big influence on her decision making than you are having.

Now, ask yourself. Do you really want somebody who is so weak-willed that she is going to choose what her family tells her to choose? Do you really want to be with somebody who is easily manipulated? Somebody who will easily give in? Do you want somebody who needs to be told how to live their life?

I should commend you on keeping minimal contact with this girl. But realize that there is no point in wasting your life, your ambitions, and your beliefs over somebody who is not going to truly appreciate YOU. Just because she cleaned your dishes and took you to the doctor in rain doesn't mean she fully appreciates you. Hell, you can get ANYONE to do that for you. I think they have a term for people like that....ahh yes, it's called "maid service".

So accept the fact that your engagement and relationship with this girl is over. Done. Nothing positive will come off this. I'm not going to tell you how much contact to keep with this girl. What I will tell you is that keep the contact to bare minimum so that you don't get too attached to this girl emotionally.

Your life isn't destroyed until you decide it's destroyed.

Dude listen, I feel your pain but the bottom line is this, regardless of the bullsh*t excuses this girl is giving you if the love was mutual she would be with you she is an adult not a child...she has made the decision based on the love of her family and religion not you..she is throwing away two years of emotions build with you for her family and religion...if your saying to yourself My God, My God why has thou forsaken me and feeling like your hanging on the cross with Jesus... God is saying today is a new day walk you in it without this girl and her head aches..

LoneSilver

Man, you're doing it to yourself. She's not doing it. She's confused, but she has already stated exactly what will happen. It will not work.

I think that every time that you allow her to do these indecisive acts towards you, you're only hurting yourself. You really need to put your foot down, but not for her benefit. Do it for your own benefit.

I generally don't talk to people who mistreat me, and it's a good practice because it keeps me from being brought down. It sucks when someone keeps you on a string and plays with you like a yo-yo. Maybe she's not toying with your emotions on purpose because she's confused, but that makes no difference because it's YOUR emotions that it's screwing with. Whether it's intended or not, you'll have to be a man in the situation. Tell her that enough is enough.

I wouldn't want you or my worst enemy to be stuck on someone that acts like this. Sure she may be sweet and nice, but she's only 22, and she lives with her family and acts like she's 16.

Move on and find a mature woman. Better yet, find many women so you won't feel this way again. It's hard for a woman to play with a man like a yo-yo if he's got more than just her.

Also, this crap you have in your mind about being in love and what not, it's a delusion. You made this crap up in your mind and made it out to be true. "She agrees and reciprocated, so she must be the one". There is no "one". You are the one you should be in love with, and when you do, there is no way you'll every be a woman's yo-yo. She won't do it again if you put your foot down. No woman will treat you disrespectfully if she knows that she can't.

Squashing this woman's indecisiveness will do one of two things. Either, she'll straighten up and fly right, and she'll stop her whining, or she will go away. Either way you're better off, and that's all you need to be worried about in this situation. You only need to be worried about what's best for you, and if you really do love yourself, you won't have any problem doing what I'm telling you is right.
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Hey dalton,

All the respect to you for standing up for your love. Just ignore the guys who call you a wimp, and go for what you think is right. If you believe talking to her parents might resolve this issue, do it.
You know that she is being forced into this marriage thing and I am sure you have heard of similar cases in the media; if she does not get married to that guy, her parents might even kill her.
Maybe you guys could take off to another city/country and get married. I am not sure how it is over there in London but over here the police gives couples protection who run away from home because of forced marriage.
p.s. her mom is a selfish c***.

This is not some movie or western culture of $hit on your family for love. I would pick family over some chick if it were going to cause problems in the long run any day. Yet you expect her to do the opposite. What happens if the OP decides he is done with her ass after another year or so? The BS that love conquers all is sickening.Asking someone to ditch their family is a massive move.Either he prolongs the pain for both of them by trying to sort it out.Or he starts fresh later down the track with another girl.

Dalton,

Whatever you choose to do, do one favor for me and all the men out here. Hell, do that favor for yourself.

The favor is: Do not listen to a woman regarding advice on woman.

Especially in your case.

You don't live in a fantasy world where "true love" conquers all and saves the day. This is NOT a movie or a romance novel. This is real life. And you know how cruel and unfair real life is.

The only conquering and saving the day that can be done in this case will be the strength of your will to do the right thing.

Myself and others have given you very good guidelines and insight. It's up to you to make the right choice. And as a fellow Man, I KNOW you will make the right choice.

it's were, not was.....

you'll be fine..

The Bat said:

You are not a Man.

Click to expand...

But he is human.

You seem to be ignoring how the world works here.

SRSLY dood you have problems. You are wanting to convert to Islam so that you can be with her. Thats ludacris

The Bat said:

Dalton,

Whatever you choose to do, do one favor for me and all the men out here. Hell, do that favor for yourself.

The favor is: Do not listen to a woman regarding advice on woman.

Especially in your case.

You don't live in a fantasy world where "true love" conquers all and saves the day. This is NOT a movie or a romance novel. This is real life. And you know how cruel and unfair real life is.

.

Click to expand...

Wow you sound so so bitter. Do share with us what a woman did to you that you became so bitter? Does this bitterness help you really? You sound really unhappy.
All the men? There are men who are players and there are men who are not. Get a grip on reality.

Understanding

Firstly thank you for all of the replies, the information and varying point of views is slowly allowing me to view this whole situation from the outside.

Firstly to the bats comment about being a man. I can understand why it would look like this. However I am of the belief that a man does not need to be carved out of stone, in order to be a man. This girl helped me through my parents divorce, we went through an abortion together, I was there for her when her mum was unfaithful and rnning around behind her dads back.~( THE HIPOCRACY, ITS ACTUALLY FUNNY) You are right however that basing your beliefs and values on something that is not solid is asking for problems. My only argument there is that I thought there was enough substance in this relationship to warrant it.

To the bat, 99 percent of the time I would agree with you about taking relationship advice from women. The only reason for that is because women in GENERAL are emotionally erratic, and most women I know have the fairly tale fantasy somewhere in the back of there heads. Nevertheless TopPlayerette has a good point about forced marriages, I would not however leave my home for a woman I have too many responsibilities here.

Anyhow I called her last night, just to find out if everthing at home was alright. We spoke for a while, I suggested we do lunch ( just to catch up), she said that she couldn’t, I asked her why?? She said shes not sure she can face me. She doesn’t want to remember the good times, its hard enough as it is. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???? This chick is confused..FOR **** SAKES.!!

I made the decision last night, that that will be the end of it ( I made a conscious decision to completely let go and focus on me, I will not contact her again, and will take or accept any forms of contact from her). After reading all of the advice it all hit home very hard. It is her Loss.

My dad actually said to me Dalton, when ever you go against reality, you feel PAIN. Its that simple.

Anyway.

Thank you guys for all of the advice.

Regards

Dalton

Dalton,

I am happy that you came to a closure. It must have been hard for you to take this step.

I am sure you'll meet another women with whom you can have a very healthy relationship. In the meantime, enjoy your life and have fun.

It will take some time for this to heal. Take your time and keep yourself busy.

Cheers

No Regrets.


Dalton.