Help! I'm turning into the 40 year old virgin

Backstory: I just turned 29. Had sex with my very first girlfriend at 19 we dated until I was 23 (goodbye fun college years). She dumps me. I find another girl who is much hotter, but I'm so shy and timid around her I don't get far. For some reason I'm afraid to kiss her. I finally do just before she dumps me. I only get to second base. That's it.

I had oneitis for a girl for the past 2 years. She finally breaks up with her boyfriend. We get along so well I think that we will get together. She isn't interested at all. She kindoff strings me along and I might have had a chance on the 2nd date, but I find that I HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO KISS A GIRL because it has been 5 years and now I'm afraid to try.

Everytime I see the 40 year old virgin preview where he says, "If you don't use it do you lose it?" I cringe because that's me!!!

I've read the bible so many times so I know that this is wrong, but I go into some sort of timid thing where rather then calling oneitis I email her asking her to hang out. She says she is busy maybe next week. I wait until next week and try again.

Right after the 4th rejection (one month of this), she invites me to go to a museum with her. I decide that I will try and kiss her no matter what and end it. While we are there she talks a couple guys that she is currently seeing. It makes me feel horrible about myself. At the end of the night when I am ready to try and kiss her she bolts from my car faster then a flash of lightning.

Recently I'm getting these strong feelings of inadequacy. Also I'm starting to panic because it has been so long, I feel trapped and I'm about to turn 30.

All my friends are AFCs and in long term relationships so my social support network for dating is weak at best.

Also I have developed poor social skills and social phobias (that I am working on). An example of this would be that I have never initiated a friendship. Friends just pick me up.

So my number one problem is I don't meet any new girls to ask out. At 29 what am I supposed to be doing to find girls? Am I supposed to be hitting clubs to pick them up? Is their a different way? PLEASE someone tell me at 29 what is the best way to meet girls on a regular basis. Please give a real example and not something theoretical like everywhere!!!!

HELP!!!!

I sometimes get to that level of frustration too, but giving into it will only make things worse. You need to focus on doing things with yourself and for yourself that make you light up like the happiest guy on earth. Sports? Hobbies? Movie buff? Literature?

I like your persistence with asking the girl 3 times before she finally agreed to go out with you. But given she turned you down so many times, do you think she was likely to kiss you at the end of the date? Probably not. Also if she was talking about guys she's seeing, it's possible she's trying to arouse your interest, but in hindsight she was putting you in the friend zone..almost wanting to whine about her bad dates or whatever.

I'll let the others talk about the DJ bible (which I hope you read or else we'll all be repeating ourselves). Work on a few things at a time - I would start with breaking out of social phobia slowly and go from there.

not to make you feel bad or anything, but I feel like a DJ compared to you.


I've been trying to do alot of the things suggested here....Smile, say HI...try to just chat about anything. I went out this weekend with some friends and talked to not many but probably 5 chicks...and a couple guys. Not even trying to pick up the chicks and obviously not the guys, but just chatted to be chatting and trying to get over the same things your talking about.


I would definately go the bootcamp thing and read it if I were you.

Another thing that might help you out also is try the internet dating that might boosts your confidence a little.

I've been in circumstances like yours....this one chick that I've known for a couple years...when I first met her...I had her, I built the attraction and the intrigue and all that other jazz then I was answering every call she made, talking to her on the phone for hours and soon where did I end up? I ended up on the "friends" list. I still hang out with her and occasionly try and get that attraction back, but theres no way in hell now that she's seen the wuss side of me.

Maybe it's just me, but I've always felt the time is right to try and kiss someone or not. But I did try a couple weeks ago and got shot down, but hey I'm still here.

SMILE,SAY HI,SMILE

Oh and if your thinking about buying any of these ebooks that promise to help you pick up chicks....stick to this site...same advice given here and you actually have some place to ask questions.

I have a long way to go, but I'm still on my way. And from where I'm sitting your in a better position than me. I'm divorced with a child so my interaction is kinda restricted. But just keep at it man, you will get through this.

Oh and for your information....it won't fall off it you don't use it.

I'm 28, but the past 2 years I have been re-living my early twenties again, dating, making new friendships, being popular, feeling energetic and full of life.

4 years ago I was sitting in my room every day playing The Sims and my only social contact was a local male friend who used to play DVDs whenever I visited him.

The turning point for me was packing up my job and going to university as a mature student. It has altered my life radically, I've got to know so many different people who have all influenced me in some way. I have more friends than I can count and actually more dating or casual sex options than I can count too.

Maybe university isn't a viable option for you, but I suggest a similar kind of social environment where you see people regularly. Or maybe you could attend college or university part time.

Obviously it takes some effort on your part to start conversations and get to know people, but if you're in classes together you have a mutual interest and conversation point.

congratulations, you've hit rock bottom. there's no where to go but up from here

you are stuck in a rut of self pity and this mentality that things aren't or can't work out for you.

sure, you're trying, but deep down you don't believe that anything will come of things. as a result people can smell your insecurity.

you need to step back and reassess your life and how you feel about yourself. you need to go get some books on self confidence and feeling good about yourself.

dude, you only have this one life. whether you have the job you want or whether you have a woman or whatever... YOU ARE ALIVE! enjoy whatever you have.

stop wanting more. stop wishing things were different.

RELAX and enjoy the experience.

right now you are about to have a great experience. you are experiencing rock bottom. sure, it sucks. and sure, its a HUGE challenge to work your way back up from rock bottom. but think of the experience you are goign to have.

every single person i've ever known who has hit rock bottom and found their way back up has turned into the most amazing person. you gain so much insight and become such an interesting and rich person because of it.

so accept that you are at rock bottom and that you have a journey ahead. forget women right now... your problem is that you don't love and respect yourself. you are constantly judging yourself and obsessing on the worst case scenario.

theres only one worst case scenario man, and that's that you don't wake up tomorrow. given that isn't going to happen, everything is fine. you just have an interesting journey ahead.

go to amazon.com and get some wayne dyer or albert ellis books. better yet go to the local book store and buy them, you might bump into a chic there buying the same stuff, who knows.

forget this site for now nad focus on yourself. you aren't ready to be dating and won't be until you defeat your biggest enemy...yourself!

you can do it!
J

stick around, "double F"

I'm 31 and in a similar level of non-DJ-ness as you.

It's a tough age, depending on what you "do". Myself I'm a little behind in "life"... still going to university in a Master's program.

However, things today are different than they used to be. It's not like it used to be where you had to have your whole life in order by the time you turn 30.

As for feeling nervous about the physical stuff, I totally understand. I was dating one girl recently that I was too nervous to kiss (it had been like a year) for like a month. Then, the other night I made out (and some) with a co worker leaving town... I was drunk so it was easy. Now that I had that one experience I know I could pull it off with the first girl.

Hrm, maybe that doesn't make sense. The point is that a little action goes a LONG way to helping confidence. Go out and get whatever you can, who cares if it's ugly or fat or whatever.

If you think you're more nervous than me... I vibrate like a paint-shaker when I'm about to kiss someone for the first time.

Where to find girls? Hrm. There are bars that cater to older crowds, they might work for ya. Even younger bars are OK, trust me, I don't seem to have any issues with younger women finding me too old. Then again, I'm in decent shape and more than a little immature... And younger girls might be more willing to give you a little "experience" more than the older ones who expect stupid things like relationships.

Thanks for all the replies.

Chrispy: Persistence along with a cool attitude go a long way. If I could find a girl who was actually a little bit more into me I think it would work really well. I don't think it is a good idea to hang out with oneitis again, because I was experiencing some sort of emotional pain listening to her talk. I'll see what I can do about attacking my social phobias at a stronger level. I'll try and throw myself way out of my comfort zone.

shyguy32: glad to hear it wont fall off...
I have complete respect to you for kissing your friendzone. You are true to who you are and you took a risk to get what you wanted. When I look back on the past I don't regret my failures, I always regret not trying and wondering what coulld have been. I'll try and step up and do some boot camp stuff even if it means trying to talk to boring people I'm not interested in.

Jariel: I used to be a computer game addict myself. You're college experience really interests me. I just finished a degree and came out of 3 years of college with one date. Where are you meeting these people in class? Do the age differences worry you? I did make friends with one girl. She is only 19. She invited me to a college party this Sunday. I wasn't going to go because I am be a decade older then everyone else there and will feel like a pedophile, but I might as well I have nothing to lose.

joekerr31: You are right about people smelling my insecurity. When oneitis was talking about those guys my super cool demeanor was lost and I got snappy. It was amazing how thin skinned I became. I don't understand why, but I've suddently come unraveled. I'll go to a bookstore and buy a Wayne Dyer book this weekend. I'm afraid to stop looking for girls. It has already been over 5 years. I'm afraid that stopping will only make me more awkward and out of practice.

nosexbox: Thanks for the tip about bars. I'll try and get into the bar scene. I was always to shy to talk to people so I'm not even sure when it is considered ok to talk to people, but I'm willing to give it a try and crash and burn. My LTR friends don't want to go to bars anymore, but I'll try and harass them. You're kiss story really made me feel better. I'm looking at certain guys who I have very little respect for and thinking at least they know how to be intimate with a woman. Somehow it makes me feel better to know that other people get out of practice too.

I emailed some guy I knew from high school asking if he wanted to hang out sometime. I might end up going out to the bars with him on Saturday. I hope it works out because my friends suck. I was thinking that the process of making a new friend has a lot of similarities to trying to meet a girl.

I just feel completely lost. What do people in their late 20's do when they are trying to find women to date? Should I be hitting all the local bookstores. Finding them in bars? The gym? The streets? What is the best way, because I need to focus on that. I have not met any new datable girls in a while. I've been doing something very wrong and I don't know how to fix it.

I'll keep posting updates for a while so people can see if I failed or if things worked out.

I'll keep posting updates for a while so people can see if I failed or if things worked out.




remember master Yoda.....this is no try, only do


first get your mind straight.....never ever say IF I FAIL.....

I'll keep you guys posted on my progress and let you know the results.


that should have been your statement....

I took the advice Jokerr and went to the library and checked out The sky's the limit by Dyer.....great book so far. Only into the first chapter but it's really good. talking about Live in the moment...don't think about the past or the future....you have no control over the past and you think about the future too much and your present is now the past.

Originally posted by freefalling
Thanks for all the replies.

joekerr31: You are right about people smelling my insecurity. When oneitis was talking about those guys my super cool demeanor was lost and I got snappy. It was amazing how thin skinned I became. I don't understand why, but I've suddently come unraveled. I'll go to a bookstore and buy a Wayne Dyer book this weekend. I'm afraid to stop looking for girls. It has already been over 5 years. I'm afraid that stopping will only make me more awkward and out of practice.

Click to expand...

you should stop looking for girls. you keep seeing girls as some kind of answer to your problems. you need to forget girls and figure yourself out.

as for where to find girls. at our age...ummmm.... everywhere.

being older rocks, you can pick up anywhere. when your 16 you only see a group of girls in your grade. its a horrible circle of the same people all dating each other.

at our age you can strick a convo up with just about any woman. on the bus, at hte grocery store, at work, at the bank, at walmart, at the gym, at the bar, on the street, at the shopping mall, at the doctors office, at the garage, at the subway burger king quiznos, on the internet, at the movie theatre, at the museum, at a concert, in your apartment building, at the video rental store, at the book store.... ok im out.

hehe, the point is that there really is no "one" place to meet someone. it just...happens. that is if you are out there enjoying your life. if when you bump into women you make friendly chit chat with no intention of askign them out but just enjoying the convo. hafl the time by teh end of the convo you'll sense that she likes you and can ask her out if you want.

honestly, the way to meet chics is to just go with teh flow. live YOUR life and make chit chat with chics that you bump into along the way.

before you know it things will fall into place.


J

I won't make you feel bad.

First I will try to ask you to do as something for your self. Improve your self as much as you can, your hairstyle, your clothes, add a little fashion. Then add some work-outs and joggings early in the morning if it won't affect your work. (The purpose is to get your confidence back and do as much as you can to improve).

Then I would ask you to approach any women anywhere. Decide what kind of women that you would like to meet. Fidn out the traits that make you attracted to her and be it.

Hints:

- You want an athletic women, then hung out to a coffe/tea shop near a gymn.
-You want a spiritual women, hung out near a yoga class.
-You want an outgoing women, go window shopping in a mountaineering store.

the idea is know what you want, set it a goal and go for it no matter what.

what do you want then? A long term relationship? A wife? a sexual relationship? a friend.... posibilities are endless. Just set what you want.


And lastly. I'll ask you that if you see the type of woman you want, I want you to approach her. or if you can figure out how she would approach you, then better.


Hope it makes you feel better.

To your success

Wind20MPH

Hey Guys,

Well don't feel bad, your talking to a 26 year old virgin here, damn it's starting to piss me off something terrible, I went through my whole younger life feeling that there was something wrong with me, I only began to realise now that the problem is nothing physical as such but more mental. I have begun to change my attitude towards women, it's hard but screw it I don't have anything to lose.

In anycase, applying the priciples here, I managed to bag me a HB9, in my opinion, things were going well before I managed to turn myself into a wussbag and got my arse dumped, it screwed me up a bit, but now I am getting back on form.

Thing is, just by learning and improving, I managed to do this with a girl for the first time.

1) Arm around shoulders in a movie
2) First + second kiss (a peck, but a kiss none the less)
3) Walking hand in hand
4) Sleeping in each others arms at night

This with a girl who only had one sexual type relasionship before me, who is known by people and she even told me herself as the "Ice Queen".

So I can do it, in fact the next girl is now falling into place, this time though I'm gonna be much more careful with my heart and just plain have fun.

Best of luck to you all,
And here's to me losing my virginity soon,
DonEdwardo

Update

I always thought girls you meet in bars were the wrong type of girls. Also I've always thought that if you meet a girl on the street who knows nothing about you and she agreed to go out with you, then she must be desperate or there is something wrong with her.

Friday:
I tried to recruit one of my friends to go out with me. At first he was down with it but in the end he decided to stay home and watch TV. So I sat home alone doing nothing.

Saturday:
I begin to feel strong apprehension about hanging out with this other guy and going to the college party. I wasn't even sure if the guy was going to call which would make me 0 for 2. In the end he did call. We went out to some club with him and his friends. Both his friends were really cool. I don't think I've ever actually been in a real dance club and was feeling strongly out of my element (of course I don't know how to dance). Still I had a great time. I actually talked to a couple girls. I never made any attempt to get their number and didn't really seem to hit it off with them.

I didn’t really have a clear idea of how making new friends would help my female situation. It seemed truly bizarre that I wanted to meet a girl so badly and instead I was writing emails to dudes and worrying about being rejected by them.
It really did work out though. I got exactly want I wanted a chance to talk to a new girl who I had never met before.

Sunday:
I was afraid to go to the college party. I knew my friend might be occupied with other people. I’m the type of person who can drown in a social situation like this and I just had an image of me standing there having no one to talk too. I went anyways I was instantly well received by her and friends of hers who know me. They all know my age and apparently they don’t think I’m some sort of freak for hanging out with them even though I’m so much older. I met another new girl here and talked to her for a while. Made no attempt to get her number and she didn’t seem interested either. I had a great time.

I’m kind of feeling a little bit over my head here. It is almost like I don’t just need women advice, but I need advice on how to make friends… Where do you meet new friends? I want to get in touch with Oneitis, but I will continue to ignore her. I got my wish to meet new girls and of course I want to meet more.

In case you were wondering what I look like I’ve linked a picture to myself(feel free to critique):

My Pic

good luck

WEEK 2 UPDATE

I called Oneitis. She couldn’t get off the phone fast enough. I’ve escaped the friend zone and gone to the “I don’t ever want to talk to you again zone”. I wasted so much time chasing her it sucks. Also I found out through a mutual friend that she just started hanging out with this guy I hate more then anything. I swear she is trying to get me back for not wanting to listen to her stupid guy stories. It is amazing how good she used to make me feel when she would flirt with me and hang out with me. Now she just makes me feel like crap.

Friday: I knew my friends were good for at least one hang out. I guess I was wrong. One guy is busy with his girlfriend for the next two weeks. The other one flakes out at the last second and decides he wants to play computer games. I stay home and play computer games too.

Saturday: It looks like I will spend Saturday alone, but then I get a call from that guy I knew from high school. I go out to the bars with him and his friends. This week I tried learning to dance by watching the movie Hitch over and over. A girl makes eye contact with me. I look away. Then I remember the 3 second rule and walk up to her. I ask her if she wants to dance. She says no thanks. Later on I get really drunk and just walk up onto the dance floor and dancing with random groups of girls. My dance moves seem to work ok, but I wasn’t prepared for how crowded the dance floor was. I accidentally kicked some guy. He looked pissed, but nothing happened. I don’t ask for any phone numbers. I never expected to be going clubbing so I never paid very much attention to the articles here on what I was supposed to do and what the proper behavior is. I’m very much out of my element.

These new friends are great, but they are kind off like a blind date. I am set up, but I have no idea where to get more.

It is so great to be around new girls.

Hell, I'm impressed with your willingness to be out of your element (I absolutely hate it). Practice man, just keep doing it until you feel comfortable, then you'll have your game face on without even realizing it.

Don't run before you can walk.

Go and complete bootcamp before you try and do anything at the club.

Week 3 Update

So it has been 21 days. To you guys who said I should bootcamp and stop chasing woman, I can’t I am just too desperate.

I joined a gym this week. There is this guy who I call the Mayor of Gym town. Every time I go to the gym he is there and he talks to everyone. He isn’t the best looking guy, but he has big guns so you have to respect that. There was this girl exercising using one of those giant rubber balls doing weird stretches. So he goes down and starts doing the weird stretches with her. It is so obvious that he is just doing them just so he can talk to her. I thought the whole thing was funny, but my jaw dropped later on when I saw her writing down her phone number for him. It seems so simple, yet at the same time it seems so beyond me.

One of my friends is gone this week and the other one blew me off last week so I did not bother calling him. I spend Friday home alone doing nothing.

Saturday the guy from high school calls me up again and we go out. I guess I am in with these guys. I read on this board that the best method for success is to find the girls off the dance floor. So right when we walk into the club I try to approach two girls. I try the “Can I ask your opinion about something? I need a girls opinion.” line. It doesn’t go well. I am trying to get the girls to go over to the group of guys I am with and they are not having it. So I smile and walk away.

I did find out an easy way to talk to new girls. If they had something that made them stand out I could go up and ask them about it. One girl had a sticker on her. So I just went right up and asked her why she had a sticker on her. I never did get a phone number, but I didn’t even try, just trying to dance and approach girls is still throwing me through a loop.

These guys always end up going straight to the dance floor. I found the best learn to dance movie ever. I rented Save the Last Dance this week and it was so worth it. I got a lot of dance moves from it and I noticed a couple songs from the movie were even played at the club!

I volunteer to be a guy’s wingman. I’m really not all that attracted to the girl. I start talking to her on the dance floor. Then I start dancing and talking. The guy I am being the wingman for doesn’t do so well, but this girl seems really into me. She starts grinding with me. This is the first time I have ever really grinded. It seems to be going ok, but then I realize that my **** isn’t getting hard. She is rubbing herself all over me and my guy wont salute. I start to panic, I know it is just a matter of time before she realizes something is wrong. I close my eyes and try to imagine that Jessica Alba is grinding with me. It doesn’t really work, because this girls butt is bigger and it ruins the fantasy. Then I realize that I’m dancing with my eyes closed and probably look like an idiot so I open them. After a couple songs she goes away to dance with her friends.

So my love life is empty, I have forgotten how to kiss and I have discovered that I am impotent on the dance floor. Wonderful.

I am also meeting new beautiful girls and I have to say that I love it.

Week 4 Update

I got the mole on my back removed. I didn’t even use insurance. 75 dollars. It was a big mole and I always have been self conscious to take off my shirt because of it and now it is gone.

Friday: Had my college friend over. Asked her to bring her roommate. Her roommate was cool to come over. We watched a movie and drank wine. I would really like to hook up with the roommate, but she is only 20 and she might be getting involved with some other guy. Plus I’m starting to have this idea that friends are more important then girls, and I shouldn’t risk messing up my friendship with collegegirl, by attempting to hook up with her roommate.

Saturday: I take the old friend who flaked out on me the week before out with my new friends. It was a mistake. My new friends hangout on the dance floor. My computer nerd friend doesn’t dance and gets annoyed and goes off by himself to hang out at the bar. I get worried about him and keep going back to check on him. He asks me to take him home so the night ended early for me. I know it isn’t true, but I would swear my old friends are trying to ruin my chances to find a girl.

I was driving so I didn’t get drunk. Approaching girls and even dancing is so much harder for me to do sober. Some girl who is a friend of a friend of one of the guys there keeps grabbing my ass. She is a 7. For my ratings scale a 6 requires large amounts of alcohol to sleep with and a 7 I can sleep with sober, but there are problems like weight or ugly facial features that would put me off.

I don’t pay her to much attention, because I hear that ignoring girls is suppose to make them want you, and I’m a little scared, and I’m not horribly attracted. Towards the end of the night she comes up behind me and starts grinding me from behind. I didn’t know this could happen? I can feel her breasts rubbing up against my back.

Somehow I get turned around and start grinding her from behind. All I can think about was last week where my **** was completely limp while grinding with a girl (she was a 6.5). I can feel her rubbing up against me. Nothing seems to be happening and I feel a wave of despair pass over me as I realize that a simple thing like grinding is going to be impossibly hard for me. Then like magic I actually get hard. Shortly after it happens in the middle of the song she tells me that she has to go dance with one of my new friends and leaves.

I think my hardness scared her away! I worried so much about getting to that point then when it actually happens it seems to have been a bad thing. The only thing I can think of is that it grew at a weird angle and maybe it was poking rather then rubbing??? Also later on I found out she has a boyfriend. I know that girls don’t see grinding as such a big thing, but I am still a little shocked.

I have probably approached and talked to about 15 new girls. This is an amazing number, because I don’t think I talked to 15 new girls in the past 5 years! Of the 15 all of them were nice to me, even the ones that I perceived not to be that into me.

What is it with you and this idea that you have to get an erection when you grind on a girl? It doesn't matter man, whether it happens or not, how is it going to help you? Just dance, don't worry about getting hard dude.

Week 5 and 6 Update

I was on a business trip for week 5 weekend in some middle of nowhere town. I was trying to hit on a waitress just so I would have a sense that I made some progress. She dropped a cup and I told her that I just wanted her to know I saw it and I thought it was pretty funny. She told me that she had done a lot worse then that. I could have asked her what else she has done, but I didn’t follow up on it.
My coworker overheard me and seemed somewhat horrified by what I had said. He said rather then trying making fun of the girl for dropping a cup I should just say that I was in town for a business trip, don’t know anyone in the area and would like to take her out to dinner.
Oneitis starts emailing me all these stupid jokes. I write back to one of them and she writes me back that we should hang out and catch up. I ask her out to dinner. She says she can’t make it because she is going out with her boyfriend on that day, tries to reschedule for the next week. I write back that I am busy all next week. She writes me back saying that we definitely have to get together. I don’t respond to her email.
I waited years for her to be single. During her single time she hooked up with three guys All of them jerks. She was nice enough to tell me some of this when we were hanging out at the museum. The guy she is dating had another girl on the side and treats her badly. She would rather be with a guy like that then me. I love her body, but I hate her as a person. I thought I was over hating girls who reject me, but I was wrong. It really is some sort of AFC defense mechanism that will at least keep me from calling her.
This week I was at a bar talking to a girl and she seemed really into me. I was so drunk though, I ran out of stuff to say! I guess I’m to the point where I should try asking for phone numbers. My computer nerd friend called me this week and told me that he was shocked at how many girls I talked to in the bar when he went out with me two weeks ago. For 8 years I just stood there on the side with my friends and didn’t talk to anyone new.
There was no dancing this weekend. I used to ask girls if a guy should have an erection when grinding. I was afraid they would be offended by it. I must have asked 4 or 5 girls and they all said not only did they not care, but some of them expected it to happen. I basically jumped at that girl and started humping her leg like a dog, I think most girls expect the erection to happen after a while of grinding. Tazman you were right. I really needed to stop worrying about it and just focus on dancing.
The Mayor of Gymtown disappeared for a while. I guess overheard him say that he was on vacation. I think I heard him say his date went well. He also said he was sending her flowers. I think sending her flowers is supposed to be a big no no, but I bet it doesn’t matter.
I feel like I have made a lot of progress, but now have reached a plateau.