Girl I'm into suspects I'm a player & cancelled our date

Jariel · Feb 6, 2012

I met a girl last week at work and we got on real well, swapped numbers, added each other on FB and have been chatting and texting. She's extremely hot and a refreshing change to a lot of women I meet - she reads, doesn't drink, not into clubbing and is great to chat to.

We were due to meet up tonight and she flaked on me. She sent me a text message mid day to say "Sorry if this is out of the blue, but I've changed my mind about meeting. Good luck." I figured it was just a typical case of another guy on the scene or general female indecisiveness, but I also noticed she deleted me from FB so I dropped her a text just asking why the change of heart.

She told me it's because she's convinced I'm a player. She pointed to all the women who write on my FB wall (I've actually deleted a lot of them) and like my photos, and said she doesn't want to get involved with a player.

So what do I do from here? Do I reassure her, or call her bluff and hope she comes back?

It's clear she really likes me and wants to believe I'm relationship material, but her defenses are very high. My concern is if I try reassuring her, I may be putting her on a pedestal.

Pimp-sicle · Feb 6, 2012

Jariel said:
I met a girl last week at work and we got on real well, swapped numbers, added each other on FB and have been chatting and texting. She's extremely hot and a refreshing change to a lot of women I meet - she reads, doesn't drink, not into clubbing and is great to chat to.

We were due to meet up tonight and she flaked on me. She sent me a text message mid day to say "Sorry if this is out of the blue, but I've changed my mind about meeting. Good luck." I figured it was just a typical case of another guy on the scene or general female indecisiveness, but I also noticed she deleted me from FB so I dropped her a text just asking why the change of heart.

She told me it's because she's convinced I'm a player. She pointed to all the women who write on my FB wall (I've actually deleted a lot of them) and like my photos, and said she doesn't want to get involved with a player.

So what do I do from here? Do I reassure her, or call her bluff and hope she comes back?

It's clear she really likes me and wants to believe I'm relationship material, but her defenses are very high. My concern is if I try reassuring her, I may be putting her on a pedestal.

Just reading the first paragraph the first thing that came to mind was "don't add chicks your trying to bang on FB." And then you confirmed my suspicions;

In either case, I wouldn't give up on this girl, but your right you can't go the reassuring route because that will come off as you trying to convince her of something she has already made her mind up on.

Instead, I'd keep talking with her, focus on building more rapport so she feels more comfortable around you; THEN her opinion of you will change on its own and she will be more willing to go out with you.

I've read a lot of your posts bro and the one thing I keep thinking is your dynamite at creating attraction, but the rapport aspect might be the missing link and why you get blown out after the first date. If a girl thinks you only want to bang her, unless she's a slvt or only looking to get laid herself; she will ditch you ESPECIALLY when she doesn't really know you yet.

PIMP

vatoloco · Feb 6, 2012

Pimp-sicle said:
Just reading the first paragraph the first thing that came to mind was "don't add chicks your trying to bang on FB." And then you confirmed my suspicions;

Well, at least not to your main one.

Jariel, hopefully you're a smart man and realize that although this girl is beautiful, more than likely she has low self-esteem and therefore not good for anything long-term. Would be great for a ONS or a FB though...

At this point, you could do one of several things:

"Beg" her to change her mind.
Try to convince her that you're not "a player" and try to get her out on that date.
Move on because she has already rejected you.

My personal style would be to Agree & Amplify with something like "Of course I am, sweetheart! You'd be one too if you looked like me! " and see if she played along. Beautiful women [in particular] love to shit-test guys (to either blue-ball them or to see if they're the real deal) so she might just be bustin' your balls to see if you're worth her time...

What concerns me too is the "and have been chatting and texting" thingy. How much of it has been done? If it has been extensive, she might have already gotten her fill of attention and therefore doesn't need you anymore.

Plus she has committed the mortal sin of flaking. She is hot so she knows men are willing and able to put up with her shit. Is she shit-testing you to see if you won't put up with her bullshit and actually stand up to her? Or did she really lose her IL due to her [potential] low self-esteem and she seeing other girls' interactions on your Facebook? Also, are you willing and able to jump through shit-ton of hoops to lay this girl? It appears that you might have to...

Tough call...

Zerro · Feb 6, 2012

vatoloco said:
My personal style would be to Agree & Amplify with something like "Of course I am, sweetheart! You'd be one too if you looked like me! " and see if she played along.

I once had a friend bring up the question "Aren't you afraid she might think poorly of you if you come across as a player?" to which I responded "Do you think she'd rather have a man whom no woman wants?"

J Roc · Feb 6, 2012

Next!

ArcBound · Feb 6, 2012

Jariel said:
I met a girl last week at work and we got on real well, swapped numbers, added each other on FB and have been chatting and texting. She's extremely hot and a refreshing change to a lot of women I meet - she reads, doesn't drink, not into clubbing and is great to chat to.

We were due to meet up tonight and she flaked on me. She sent me a text message mid day to say "Sorry if this is out of the blue, but I've changed my mind about meeting. Good luck." I figured it was just a typical case of another guy on the scene or general female indecisiveness, but I also noticed she deleted me from FB so I dropped her a text just asking why the change of heart.

She told me it's because she's convinced I'm a player. She pointed to all the women who write on my FB wall (I've actually deleted a lot of them) and like my photos, and said she doesn't want to get involved with a player.

So what do I do from here? Do I reassure her, or call her bluff and hope she comes back?

It's clear she really likes me and wants to believe I'm relationship material, but her defenses are very high. My concern is if I try reassuring her, I may be putting her on a pedestal.

Well in these situations I myself would try to flip the situation.

Tell her:
Look girlsname, I don't date insecure women. I find something attractive about you and that's why I want to date you. If you don't like the fact that I have a lot of female friends then that's fine, find some guy with no female friends. But I think we hit it off at insert venue here and I'd like to pursue it.

Or something along those lines.

And I agree with others about not adding people to Facebook til later..

floydb25 · Feb 6, 2012

This is one of those instances where playing the game can back-fire. This stuff works wonders on the easy / dumb women, but not so much on the good ones. They get turned off right away; aren't interested in players, drama, or games; are constantly on the look out for spoiled beans; and tell you to take a hike once those gut feelings emerge. They have no interest in this lifestyle. The crazies and immature ones just ***** about it, and claim to hate it, but keep coming back for more - and live it themselves.

I once dated a good girl who told me she doesn't like players, *******s, games, drama, etc. Being that everyone I dated prior was a blithering idiot who said the exact same things, and claimed to be looking for a good guy - I took no heed unto these words, and proceeded as always. She told me I was a player and played games, and broke it off. Never came back; only seldomly contacted me afterwards.

If you're involved in the game, and its part of your lifestyle - its not gonna work on good women. But since there's so many trashy ones out there, you are more successful. Quality over quantity, I suppose. You can't really switch it up or hide it if you live a player lifestyle. It's always gonna back-fire.

It is what it is.

Serg897 · Feb 6, 2012

This might work:

"Of course I am, sweetheart! You'd be one too if you looked like me! "

Or perhaps this is reasonable and honest

Tell her:
Look girlsname, I don't date insecure women. I find something attractive about you and that's why I want to date you. If you don't like the fact that I have a lot of female friends then that's fine, find some guy with no female friends. But I think we hit it off at insert venue here and I'd like to pursue it.

Although honestly, I haven't run into this particular dynamic before and it seems this woman is doing something atypical, so any one of these approaches might backfire.

You seem like you are getting with far more women these days than I am, so this is your call given your experience, but there problably comes a point where the effort one must put in to get one woman to go to bed with you is greater than the reward that comes out of it. Think about that as you consider continuing to pursue this one - there are always other women, or other pursuits, more worth the effort.

Johnnyventana · Feb 6, 2012

There was no reason to be chat'n her up like cray when you already had the date. Give her something to look forward to!

Set the date. Chill. Go on the date. Repeat!

As for your situation now. Same basic advice. Chill. Be gone. Go away. Let her second guess her decision. Don't confirm her straw man.

Warrior74 · Feb 6, 2012

Jariel said:
I met a girl last week at work and we got on real well, swapped numbers, added each other on FB and have been chatting and texting. She's extremely hot and a refreshing change to a lot of women I meet - she reads, doesn't drink, not into clubbing and is great to chat to.

We were due to meet up tonight and she flaked on me. She sent me a text message mid day to say "Sorry if this is out of the blue, but I've changed my mind about meeting. Good luck." I figured it was just a typical case of another guy on the scene or general female indecisiveness, but I also noticed she deleted me from FB so I dropped her a text just asking why the change of heart.

She told me it's because she's convinced I'm a player. She pointed to all the women who write on my FB wall (I've actually deleted a lot of them) and like my photos, and said she doesn't want to get involved with a player.

So what do I do from here? Do I reassure her, or call her bluff and hope she comes back?

It's clear she really likes me and wants to believe I'm relationship material, but her defenses are very high. My concern is if I try reassuring her, I may be putting her on a pedestal.

I'm of several minds.

My head says to tell her "that's a lame reason to flake on someone and if she has a question she should be adult enough to ask me" and leave it there. Balls in her court. If she's interested she might come sniffing back around.

My gut says "next". Seriously at 34 who has time? If she is that insecure about other women and her chances, too bad. She just wants an easy win.

My inner dj reads this line "I met a girl last week at work" and says, she better not be a coworker son. You know the drill about fishing off the company pier.

Alle_Gory · Feb 6, 2012

Pimp-sicle said:
"don't add chicks your trying to bang on FB."

The gentleman is correct in his advice and I would have been wise to pay attention sooner. Getting rid of Facebook was the best decision I made. Not only do you control your frame better and present things in a physical one on one setting but they don't have access to your "friend" list and there is no potential for one of your "friends" to **** things up.

Bumsniff · Feb 6, 2012

I'd simply reply with:

So I guess you would never bother applying for any type of employment as 'too many' other people already have?

Alle_Gory · Feb 7, 2012

I'm not a player, I've been with a lot of people because I'm looking for the one I really want. I only want one person and if I have to keep looking I will.

Girls love me, I can't help it.

etc. etc.

Jariel · Feb 7, 2012

Thank you all for the replies and advice. Always appreciated.

I tried talking to her, but she was really milking this situation. Thinking back I realised that majority of my failures with women have been down to reassuring them and trying to convince them I'm not a player, which has ended with them on a pedestal and me being rejected. This is the very dilemma I've been trying to deal with recently and I came to the conclusion that a girl needs to feel tension and a hint of insecurity for her to really appreciate a guy.

Well, I ended up telling this girl I don't have time for her games and we should just forget it. As some of you implied, this girl could end up being a lot of hard work and the impression I got from this situation is she wants me chase and lay my attention on her.

She has since replied, saying how she really wanted to meet me and was going to suggest going to her place tonight, but now she thinks it's a bad idea (basically because I called her out). Yet more games. I think I've seen her true colours now and just going to walk away.

runner83 · Feb 7, 2012

Time waster, move on.

And remember you can never convince a girl to change the way she feels about you through words alone.

Also don't agree with the no facebook thing. Works like a treat to stir up a bit of jealousy if used right.

I've banged two chicks in the past 2 weeks who randomly added me on facebook, a couple of weeks after they (almost certainly) saw my status updates about all my indecent adventures when I was away at the coast.

Jariel · Feb 7, 2012

runner83 said:
Also don't agree with the no facebook thing. Works like a treat to stir up a bit of jealousy if used right.

I've banged two chicks in the past 2 weeks who randomly added me on facebook, a couple of weeks after they (almost certainly) saw my status updates about all my indecent adventures when I was away at the coast.

Likewise. I use FB a lot as a seduction tool and have no complaints. It's great for building the initial rapport, social proof and it's also great for keeping plates spinning. I've got several girls in tow from 2 years ago who I sometimes hook up with. My game and success rate with women has gone insane since I started using Facebook. I just wished I had it 10 years ago.

runner83 · Feb 7, 2012

Jariel said:
Likewise. I use FB a lot as a seduction tool and have no complaints. It's great for building the initial rapport, social proof and it's also great for keeping plates spinning. I've got several girls in tow from 2 years ago who I sometimes hook up with. My game and success rate with women has gone insane since I started using Facebook. I just wished I had it 10 years ago.

Yeah mate agreed, I only joined about march last year when i had a bit more spare time cause of my broken arm.

Been on it for less than a year, can't imagine what I did before that.

About a third of my roots in the last year have come as a result (either directly or indirectly) because of facebook.

All the advice about abstaining from facebook is sound if it will put you in a bad light, but if you use it smart to stroke female jealousy, works a treat.

Zerro · Feb 7, 2012

Jariel said:
She told me it's because she's convinced I'm a player. She pointed to all the women who write on my FB wall (I've actually deleted a lot of them) and like my photos, and said she doesn't want to get involved with a player.

Of course women are so hypocritical that this girl probably thinks nothing of having dozens of guys posting on her wall and liking her photos. Think of how offended she'd get if you canceled a date because "I suspect that you're an attention *****."

Jariel · Feb 7, 2012

Zerro said:
Of course women are so hypocritical that this girl probably thinks nothing of having dozens of guys posting on her wall and liking her photos. Think of how offended she'd get if you canceled a date because "I suspect that you're an attention *****."

Absolutely true! She's a really attractive girl so I bet she gets lots of attention and I bet she loves it. I don't even know what she expects me to do...delete any friends who like my photos or post on my wall? Remove my photos so I don't get any attention. It's quite ridiculous really.

Jariel · Feb 7, 2012

She's text me again since and told me to delete her number. I suppose the reaction shows she cares, but she's just trying to bait me into dramatics. I've no intention of replying to her unless she starts acting mature, but regardless, I've definitely ruled her out as relationship material now.

Girl I'm into suspects I'm a player & cancelled our date

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