Can I save my LTR?

vatoloco · May 10, 2011

Dude, I'm gonna be blunt. Down-rep me if you must. But what I'm about to tell you is for your own good. Hopefully other people reading can benefit as well.

You're already done with this girl. Why are you still communicating with her!? It's not productive. It's destructive. For both of you.

A couple of people already gave you the good advice that it's best to move on since she doesn't dig you anymore. Right now she is gonna do anything and everything to get you back so that she can reject you in the near future and feel good about herself ("I finally got rid of that chump!") by being the dumper instead of the dumpee.

I can't tell you what to do with you life but, if you want my honest advice, it'd be best for you to go 100% NC with this girl and spin [a] new plate immediately.

Good luck to you my friend.

49au · May 10, 2011

vatoloco said:
A couple of people already gave you the good advice that it's best to move on since she doesn't dig you anymore. Right now she is gonna do anything and everything to get you back so that she can reject you in the near future and feel good about herself ("I finally got rid of that chump!") by being the dumper instead of the dumpee.

Thanks for your honesty. I wouldn't want anything less.

Please keep in mind though, my goal here is not to move on from this girl, but to get her head on straight and realize what a huge mistake she is making so we can get back together (on my terms). So any contact/non-contact/mix of the two is geared toward that, not just absolutely getting rid of her.

Obviously I won't pretend that I'm not emotionally invested in this situation, but I am giving myself credit for knowing the difference between a situation where a girl is just flat out bad news, and a time when a girl's head can legitimately just wander off the tracks for a bit. It would be a complete waste of both a quality girl and the time I have already invested to not try to straighten her out; of course if I can't do that or she proves to have no interest at all anymore, I'm not gonna get stuck on her.

Delly2000 · May 10, 2011

She is very attractive.

I think she is just waiting until she has successfully branch swung. Then she won't really care. What she is worrying about now?...its her ego.

She isn't quite sure about her other branch. When she is....she gonna be like dueces.

This really sucks man. Women can really suck sometimes.

What is irritating is that all the while she isn not being honest with u on what the problem really is.

Jblitz59 · May 10, 2011

My my, you are 20. So am I!

I say, that since we are both young. We enjoy our youthful lives and when fate strikes the church bells, then you worry about 'saving your LTR'. You not married foo

standal · May 10, 2011

relationship dynamics

Gentlemen,

I'm no expert nor will I ever be but I've studied both pickup & relationship dynamics and put both to work. We all know pickup works and it works well. It even works in relationships however I think we can all admit at some point we need to transition to something greater when in a long term relationship. There is a reason why none of the great pickup artist teach relationship dynamics and they will admit its an entire different area of study altogether.

In my opinion attraction is very easily created through the seduction and pick up process but extremely hard to maintain in long term relationships. All of our dirty secrets, vulnerabilities and not so attractive side will surface in time but it is a constant reminder to work on it and be proactive in a relationship. A great pick up and sex doesn't equal a lasting relationship.

Relationship thrive on trust, understanding, security, attraction, etc. Has anyone read The Way of The Superior Man? Radical Honesty? Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus? Ok so I haven't read the later of the three but you get my point. Pick up skills don't work forever in a relationship. We can all agree to disagree on what that means but I think we all know a LTR is a different animal and the rules no longer apply as we have learned and applied.

A woman is ever changing and will test her man over and over again (and we as PUA's love tests). She has to, being a woman is being vulnerable and she needs to know her man will be there to provide and protect her. This is just another test. She wants to know that in this moment you will stand strong and not run away. If you find out she's being deceptive or lying about something then you leave her when you find out. You are a confident male remember? So your ego will not get hurt if you find out someone else put it an inch further in her then you did. You got to put your ego aside if you really love her and want it to work. You are screwing up playing these games. You are playing on her fear based emotions. She can't come to you and tell you the truth about how she is feeling. Remember you told her you would leave her if she really had a moment of doubt? You told her you would leave her if she really thought about her ex or compared you to him. Get over it. You ever think about lifting a girls skirt at the club and slamming her from behind? Well she will probably have the same fantasy but that doesn't mean either of you are going to do it or that you are bad people because you lusted after another. Ever read My Secret Garden? Try it and see what secret fantasies women really have.

Getting relationship advice from a pick up forum is bad news my friend. Don't get me wrong, you guys have great stuff that I agree with in the proper context. Go talk to a marriage counselor or a priest, haha sorry I had to, I'm seriously kidding.

I'm not sure where to even begin giving advice and I'm sure I'll have a few negative responses to this but you know me on a personal level so give me a call on my cell and I'll highlight some things that were not thought of or brought up in the forum.

~Standal

49au · May 10, 2011

Jblitz59 said:
My my, you are 20. So am I!

I say, that since we are both young. We enjoy our youthful lives and when fate strikes the church bells, then you worry about 'saving your LTR'. You not married foo

Um, I'm 28, not 20.

Papo 12 · May 10, 2011

Let me give my input on this:

Move on. A woman that is 100% sure of herself and where she stands with you wouldn't put you through all of this drama. What she's done so far is utterly ludicrous, confusing, and bizzarre. It reaps of a woman who has low interest, rampant confusion in her head, and is trying to turn the tables into her favor because you're being so headstrong about it all -- which is great for you so far.

A GOOD woman who LOVES you will not do these things or even THINK about doing this. Never.

Accept this cold hard truth, and move on my friend.

Sure she's not a bad person, but that doesn't mean you have to deal with this.

cordoncordon · May 11, 2011

Papo 12 said:
Let me give my input on this:

Move on. A woman that is 100% sure of herself and where she stands with you wouldn't put you through all of this drama. What she's done so far is utterly ludicrous, confusing, and bizzarre. It reaps of a woman who has low interest, rampant confusion in her head, and is trying to turn the tables into her favor because you're being so headstrong about it all -- which is great for you so far.

A GOOD woman who LOVES you will not do these things or even THINK about doing this. Never.

Accept this cold hard truth, and move on my friend.

Sure she's not a bad person, but that doesn't mean you have to deal with this.

Really well said. And very true. I've been in your situation, where a girl is acting like yours is, and when it comes down to it, it just is not something that anyone should have to put up with. If she truly loved you, she would never dream of doing this. And she is still trying to lay the guilt trip on this, making it seem like this is ALL your doing and idea and that you are such a **** for being ok.

Stick to your guns. Don't cave unless she absolutely begs and really convinces you that she is 100% devoted to you. I still feel she will come begging back, but will she stay a month from now? That is up to you to decide.

I can tell you this, like I said I have been in your situation, and we all know it sucks. Its confusing. Ego blowing. A shocker. And the harder you try to fix things, the worse they get. Compare that now to my present gf. The thought of her doing something like what your girl is doing now is so seemingly out of the realm of possibility that is seems impossible. I mean she doesn't even think, talk, or dream of other men. She is 100% devoted to us. I am not being blind, its just a feeling you get when that happens. She would never risk "us" by doing something like this. And that is what you deserve, someone who will treat you like you are a god. You sound like you have your ****e together. Are experienced dating. Make a really good living. You can and will do better if this doesn't work out, and you will look back at this when you are with that better person and wonder what in the heck you were thinking.

pipe007 · May 11, 2011

OP wants to hold on to her and fight for this relationship, he is acting tough and doing a mental "trick" on her, only because he wants her back.

so he is alreayd lost, and he has to learn the hard way.

A woman that loves you will NEVER dream of letting you go...

you are not ready to learn this lesson.

Colossus · May 11, 2011

First of all I think we should give the OP a break here---just because we see things more objectively doesnt mean we can talk him into getting over it in a day.

Second--OP, it wouldnt hurt to reflect on how she is acting right now. For a grown woman she is being pretty immature with these guilt games. Anyone who has taken Psych 101 can see she is trying the old reverse psychology trick of making herself seem like the broken victim, the loser, in an attempt to cash in on your male sympathy. She did not expect you to pull the card you did and now she is scrambling for reprieve.

The others are right in that if her heart truly was yours she wouldnt have been dancing around the idea of breaking up in the first place. The actual reasons for that are irrelevant!

Time will clear all of this up. Understandably you are struggling with it right now, but give it a bit.

*Just as an aside (op/ed)---I'm in the medical field, and in my experience (and many docs I know) med student girls are C-R-A-Z-Y. Think about the type of girl who goes for an 8+ year, 250k purgatory of an education---type A, perfectionist, neurotic...you couldnt pay me to date one. Even if they werent that way before med school, that plus residency tends to make them that way. In the words of my friend the cardiologist: "Dude, women in medicine are ....difficult. Find yourself a nice, normal girl and save yourself the headache."

49au · May 11, 2011

I hate to admit this, but I made what I think was a big mistake last night, yet it had some interesting results.

I'll post what happened just because I need to clear my head anyway; I think most of what can be said about this situation has already been said. And I think there is the extremely real possibility that she had this idea she wanted to get back with him, and I was/am her backup plan if it doesn't happen.

But after the way she has acted in the last 12 hours, I genuinely believe that she is just a super-confused girl who instead of trying to go behind my back and try to get closure with her ex, decide to ultimately tell me the truth about it and accept the consequences to our relationship. Here's why I am leaning more toward this view: She admitted that he wants her back, and I believe her. If he wants her, and she wants him, I do not see events unfolding as they did.

I went to talk to her. I am gonna get slammed for this... but based on things she has been saying since I dumped her, I realized that I went WAY too hard on her. I'm NOT saying that dumping her was wrong, I'm saying that I think between the phone call the night before, and dumping her by text, immediately removing her from FB, I didn't make her feel "this guy means business", instead, I made her feel "this guy hates me and never even wanted me anyway."

I spoke to a friend (male) who has been around for my entire relationship with her and whose opinion on these matters I really respect. He agreed with much of what has been said here but felt that there will ALWAYS be problems in relationships, and the good ones are worth trying to fix if you know that you aren't fixing it out of neediness or fear of loneliness, but genuine love for that person.

So the point of going to talk with her was to clear the air about some things. And I really didn't want to feel like things had ended so abruptly or nastily. For my own sake, not just her's.

Anyway, I got there around 12 and we talked until around 2. During this time we covered a lot of ground and she explained a little more to me how her ex was playing into this. Nutshell: she said she knew she didn't want to be with him, but that she was so confused and guilty about why she still thought about him sometimes. Even though she wants to be with me, she knows she can't honestly give me 100% until she gets closure on him and understands why those feelings are there for someone that she clearly feels isn't right for her. She admitted that she had been discussing the past with him for a few days now, trying to get closure. Her thoughts of breaking up with me weren't because she wasn't sure how she felt about me, it was because she felt so much guilt over still not having closure over him.

Obviously I did not say that I would stick around for this and affirmed that we were still broken up.

This is where it gets interesting.

She had to get up in 3 hours so she asked me if I just wanted to stay. I agreed to but with no intention of initiating sex with her. After the lights were out and I was laying there, I started feeling massive regret like I had compromised and been weak. After a few minutes I quietly said that I was deluding myself and I knew exactly how this was going to end, and I wouldn't stick around for it.

I got up and got dressed. She started freaking out, crying, begging me to stay. She followed me to the door. Immediately after I left she started calling and texting me.

I kept hitting ignore, she kept calling. Finally just put my phone on silent.

From that time until this morning when I woke up at 10am, there were literally almost 40 missed calls from her and about 15 text messages, as well as a vmail. I also saw about 10 calls from her on my business line. The text messages were basically, "I will do anything," "I will never talk to him again," etc.

In the vmail she was sobbing, told me that she is not going to work tomorrow but rather coming to see me. Similar texts. This morning I woke up to some more texts like "Can I come make you breakfast?", "I am coming over there. Please let me in."

When I woke up, she was calling me at that second. I ignored it, and caught up on the messages that had been sent. Sure enough, about a minute later she called again, and I decided to answer. She was sobbing, could barely talk, and begging me to let her come over, telling me she understood what she said done, begging me to "take her back", telling me she would do anything to earn my trust again, telling me she knew she wanted to do anything to make this work, and most importantly no guilt trips - she accepted 100% of the blame and asked me to forgive her. This is definitely an emotional girl, but I have never heard her this distraught.

The conversation ended me with me saying I needed to think about things. Like I have said before, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and a girl is garbage. Other times they're human beings who just get confused, pressured, scared, etc. and make mistakes that we can move on from. I just don't understand why she would be doing all this if a) he wants her and b) she wants him and c) I already broke up with her.

Colossus,

Interesting point. She comes from a family of doctors too.

CostaDeSol · May 11, 2011

So she wasn't able to successfully branch swing so she is now trying to convince you she will never try to branch swing again?

The two million dollar questions you should ask yourself are:

1. Am I comfortable being her 2nd option?

2. Will she do this again?

no to #1 and yes to #2. You can count on it

CostaDeSol · May 11, 2011

So she wasn't able to successfully branch swing so she is now trying to convince you she will never try to branch swing again?

The two million dollar questions you should ask yourself are:

1. Am I comfortable being her 2nd option?

2. Will she do this again?

no to #1 and yes to #2. You can count on it

LoneWolf · May 11, 2011

holy sh1t man. that girl sounds messed up. crying all the fuking time.. she's damaged bro. she's probably acting all crazy because she's not use to rejection like that? it's probably a phase that will end as soon as you take her back and it will happen again eventually. i seen it so many times. i can see trouble in the future with a girl like that.

PrettyBoyAJ · May 11, 2011

You need to drop her. All this Ex stuff is fishy. My gf did some sh*t like that I found out about it. I just got pissed at her and didnt talk to her for days until she apologized about it. I should have broken up with her because of it. Matter of fact I should have laid down the law in the beggining of the relationship saying if she did that then we were through.

I think that you did go to hard on her but you did do what you needed to do. This girl hid something from you..... and you two are supposed to be partners? Not in her eyes.

cordoncordon · May 11, 2011

49au said:
I hate to admit this, but I made what I think was a big mistake last night, yet it had some interesting results.

I'll post what happened just because I need to clear my head anyway; I think most of what can be said about this situation has already been said. And I think there is the extremely real possibility that she had this idea she wanted to get back with him, and I was/am her backup plan if it doesn't happen.

But after the way she has acted in the last 12 hours, I genuinely believe that she is just a super-confused girl who instead of trying to go behind my back and try to get closure with her ex, decide to ultimately tell me the truth about it and accept the consequences to our relationship. Here's why I am leaning more toward this view: She admitted that he wants her back, and I believe her. If he wants her, and she wants him, I do not see events unfolding as they did.

I went to talk to her. I am gonna get slammed for this... but based on things she has been saying since I dumped her, I realized that I went WAY too hard on her. I'm NOT saying that dumping her was wrong, I'm saying that I think between the phone call the night before, and dumping her by text, immediately removing her from FB, I didn't make her feel "this guy means business", instead, I made her feel "this guy hates me and never even wanted me anyway."

I spoke to a friend (male) who has been around for my entire relationship with her and whose opinion on these matters I really respect. He agreed with much of what has been said here but felt that there will ALWAYS be problems in relationships, and the good ones are worth trying to fix if you know that you aren't fixing it out of neediness or fear of loneliness, but genuine love for that person.

So the point of going to talk with her was to clear the air about some things. And I really didn't want to feel like things had ended so abruptly or nastily. For my own sake, not just her's.

Anyway, I got there around 12 and we talked until around 2. During this time we covered a lot of ground and she explained a little more to me how her ex was playing into this. Nutshell: she said she knew she didn't want to be with him, but that she was so confused and guilty about why she still thought about him sometimes. Even though she wants to be with me, she knows she can't honestly give me 100% until she gets closure on him and understands why those feelings are there for someone that she clearly feels isn't right for her. She admitted that she had been discussing the past with him for a few days now, trying to get closure. Her thoughts of breaking up with me weren't because she wasn't sure how she felt about me, it was because she felt so much guilt over still not having closure over him.

Obviously I did not say that I would stick around for this and affirmed that we were still broken up.

This is where it gets interesting.

She had to get up in 3 hours so she asked me if I just wanted to stay. I agreed to but with no intention of initiating sex with her. After the lights were out and I was laying there, I started feeling massive regret like I had compromised and been weak. After a few minutes I quietly said that I was deluding myself and I knew exactly how this was going to end, and I wouldn't stick around for it.

I got up and got dressed. She started freaking out, crying, begging me to stay. She followed me to the door. Immediately after I left she started calling and texting me.

I kept hitting ignore, she kept calling. Finally just put my phone on silent.

From that time until this morning when I woke up at 10am, there were literally almost 40 missed calls from her and about 15 text messages, as well as a vmail. I also saw about 10 calls from her on my business line. The text messages were basically, "I will do anything," "I will never talk to him again," etc.

In the vmail she was sobbing, told me that she is not going to work tomorrow but rather coming to see me. Similar texts. This morning I woke up to some more texts like "Can I come make you breakfast?", "I am coming over there. Please let me in."

When I woke up, she was calling me at that second. I ignored it, and caught up on the messages that had been sent. Sure enough, about a minute later she called again, and I decided to answer. She was sobbing, could barely talk, and begging me to let her come over, telling me she understood what she said done, begging me to "take her back", telling me she would do anything to earn my trust again, telling me she knew she wanted to do anything to make this work, and most importantly no guilt trips - she accepted 100% of the blame and asked me to forgive her. This is definitely an emotional girl, but I have never heard her this distraught.

The conversation ended me with me saying I needed to think about things. Like I have said before, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and a girl is garbage. Other times they're human beings who just get confused, pressured, scared, etc. and make mistakes that we can move on from. I just don't understand why she would be doing all this if a) he wants her and b) she wants him and c) I already broke up with her.

Colossus,

Interesting point. She comes from a family of doctors too.

Ok, after reading this I don't believe a word this girl is saying. Step back and think about this. Reverse the situation. Would you have done this type of thing to her with an ex if you were head over heels in love with your present gf? No. So you really need to take a look here and think about if she can do this now, what will she do in the future?

Also, she seems REALLY emotional and kind of unstable to be honest. You mentioned early on that you and her had your share of fights early on in the relationship. That is not a good sign. I think in 2 years my gf and I have had 2 or 3 arguments...maybe? And these endless texts she is sending and sobbing voice mails. I don't know, she just seems emotionally unstable to me. Are YOU sure that you want to be with this girl? After all that has happened?

I really think that her and her ex had some pretty serious talks about getting back together...behind your back mind you. Think about that as well. While you are going about your day, thinking all is well, here she is talking to an ex about relationships. VERY disrespectful and imo it speaks volumes about how she views you two. For whatever reason it sounds like these talks with her ex didn't work out, so now she is desperate to get back with you.

Don't play second best. You are the man. Think of yourself as #1. Find someone who thinks that of you as well.

DonGorgon · May 11, 2011

no you cant save it... cause there is no point you will dump her and turn he into a F buddy..

AlexDP · May 11, 2011

49au, my BPD ex did exactly the same. After a lot of begging, I decided to continue the relationship and what followed was by far the worst period of my life. I'm not saying your ex is BPD (although she does sound like it TBH, I mean, so many missed calls and texts?), but she is emotionally unstable and what she feels right now is probably not what she feels tomorrow.

49au · May 11, 2011

Cordon,

I'm not saying that you're wrong. But what is confusing me is that she says he wants her back (which I do believe based on things i having posted) .... so why would she just do all this? I already broke up with her. What's holding her back from him unless she is actually telling me the truth?

PrettyBoyAJ · May 11, 2011

If he wants her back wouldn't it be common sence for a person in another relationship to avoid that person? That's pretty much common sence. She hasn't avoided him from what I hear.

Can I save my LTR?

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