Do you still blame yourself if she turns out to be a Ho?

bigneil · Apr 19, 2011

I always feel as though if the relationship fails, that it's my own fault.

However there are some things you really can't control. I found out that after my breakup with a previous 3 month GF she:

1) Slept with a girl.
2) Had a one night stand.
3) Dated a guy 14 years younger than her.
4) Got back with me for a one night stand.
5) Has substance abuse problems.
6) Is now dating 2 guys including an interracial relationship with a guy 10 years younger than her. (Not that there is anything wrong with this, but she always swore she would never date another race so she has no integrity).

Yet I still find myself thinking "if I had only done X,Y,Z...".

However I'm realizing that no matter what, you can't make a girl be bisexual, or a cougar, a drug user or promiscuous. None are good qualities IMO.

Other than blaming yourself for poor choosing, do you still blame yourself when a relationship with this kind of girl fails?

Mike32ct · Apr 19, 2011

The things she did were her decision and not within your control. So I wouldn't blame yourself about that part.

However, going forward, you should be honest with yourself about why you have attracted or are attracting women who cheat, abuse drugs, etc. Maybe you've dated some great girls, and this one was an anomaly. That's understandable. But if there is a pattern here, you might want to work on your game, self-esteem, physique, etc. to get someone more in line with what you want.

The_411 · Apr 19, 2011

You can blame yourself, but why?

You can only control you. So you should only blame yourself for not stopping your pursuit when giant red flags slap you in the face. However, one should know when you discover these flags that a relationship like this is bound for failure and likely will be very tumultuous and/or dangerous.

Actually, don't even go the blame route as self-flagellation is pointless and idiotic, unless you can't learn from your mistakes.

Understand that bad relationships happen and end because one or both parties failed to stick to their guns, ignored red flags, and got caught up in some illusion/delusion, fantasy or temporary insanity.

Once you allow bad things (read bad behavior) happen it doesn't get better it gets worse.

However, you have to give people a bit of past. That being said 3,5,6 and 6 are big flags as is the combination of 2 and 4. 1 is an orange flag by itself. The question is if she lied about those things.

bigneil · Apr 19, 2011

I appreciate the advice here. There has luckily been no pattern with girls like this for me.

When we met (at a bar) she told me I was the man she had been waiting for her whole life and I believed her. As layers were peeled off I realized she was on the promiscuous side, but it secretly turned me on so I continued to pursue her.

When I discovered how cold she actually was it really hurt my self esteem. She had indeed misrepresented herself. I used the pain I felt as inspiration to improve myself (I went from 19% to 14% body fat in 2 months). It didn't help with her though and she was ice cold even the last time we had sex.

I'm in an area with very few single women so I continue to be infected with thoughts of her.

rocket87 · Apr 19, 2011

bigneil said:
we met (at a bar)

Well there's your problem. Duh.

vatoloco · Apr 19, 2011

bigneil said:
When we met (at a bar) she told me I was the man she had been waiting for her whole life and I believed her. As layers were peeled off I realized she was on the promiscuous side, but it secretly turned me on so I continued to pursue her.

"There are no victims. Only volunteers."

bigneil · Apr 19, 2011

Yes Rocket87, I must admit the few alcoholics I dated I did meet in a bar.

Love the links Vatoloco.

The_411 · Apr 19, 2011

I was the man she had been waiting for her whole life

This is a classic BPD ensnarement line. I hate to belabor the point but people really don't seem to understand how pervasive BPD and cluster B disorders are. 1 in 8 people approximately.

If a woman says somelike this after 4-5 years it's reasonable, if she says it early on or on the first date odds are very stron she's cluster B.

comic_relief · Apr 19, 2011

The only thing you can blame yourself on is "Why did you not screen her better before getting into a relationship with her?" There were a bunch of red flags that you mentioned but some girls hide these things very VERY well. So don't be too hard on yourself. Learn from your previous mistakes and move on

- comic_relief

GameOfNoGame · Apr 19, 2011

I know how you feel man. A little under a year ago this girl whom I'd been involved with for months and thought was the woman of my dreams, just disappeared on her birthday, with no explaination, to run back to a guy who abused her in ways which included violence. I blamed myself terribly. I kept thinking "Was I too intense? Was I too nice? Did I make things too complicated for her?" And although it still hurts & I still miss her I know it wasn't me, it was her.

If I was intense it was because so was she always blurting out how handsome I am, how she couldn't wait to see me next, how smitten she was with me & even how she loved me. If I was nice it's because I'm a nice person, friendly & caring and despite what any of you say, I think those are good things. If things got complicated she could have addressed it with me rather than just taking off & leaving me confused & hurt.

The worst part is how much it destroyed my self-esteem to be traded for someone who treated her like a slave. Was I really less appealing an option than that? Only to someone who isn't right inside and she's not. I am a bright, funny, good looking, person with a big heart that any sane woman would know deserved better than that. I'm sorry that so many show us disrespect but it's not our fault when we gave ours.

In your own ways you're probably a good man too. You gave someone a chance for something better than they've had & they squandered it. Don't blame yourself for that either. Many of us have had colourful pasts and I wouldn't want to be judged by them when I've tried to learn from them and they made me the great guy I am today. I'm still trying to learn from this & will come out even better, I hope you can as well from your experience.

bigneil · Apr 19, 2011

comic_relief said:
The only thing you can blame yourself on is "Why did you not screen her better before getting into a relationship with her?"
- comic_relief

Truth is, I never screened any girl so thoroughly in my life! After we met, she started texting me 3 questions per day, and I did the same to her. I ended up with 40 questions for her total - and she scored a 92.5. I sent her the score results and she loved it. She loved her dad. Didn't smoke. Had her real boobs. No tattoos. (Said) she wasn't an alcoholic. (Said) she wasn't bisexual. Also, the fact that she was screening me so thoroughly also made me think she was a keeper.

bigneil · Apr 19, 2011

GameOfNoGame said:
The worst part is how much it destroyed my self-esteem to be traded for someone who treated her like a slave.

Yes I know how this feels also. She never got over her previous boyfriend who (while I'm a good looking guy and well built) - was as a bodybuilder and 10 years younger than me. She described him as the dumbest guy she ever dated and called me the smartest guy she ever dated - and guess who she'd rather be with?

DJDamage · Apr 19, 2011

comic_relief said:
The only thing you can blame yourself on is "Why did you not screen her better before getting into a relationship with her?" There were a bunch of red flags that you mentioned but some girls hide these things very VERY well. So don't be too hard on yourself. Learn from your previous mistakes and move on

He didn't screen her because I think he wasn't spinning plates.

That is the problem when you have only one girl on your mind with no other options currently available. You become desperate to secure the pvssy and thus don’t see/or not care to see that the only girl in your life wasn't ideal for long term investment.

Also if your track record indicates that it is only you that is making the effort in keeping a woman in a relationship happy and it always ends up that she leaves you in the end without you ever ending a relationship in favor of a better prospect, then maybe there is something wrong with your game after all.

GameOfNoGame · Apr 19, 2011

bigneil said:
Yes I know how this feels also. She never got over her previous boyfriend who (while I'm a good looking guy and well built) - was as a bodybuilder and 10 years younger than me. She described him as the dumbest guy she ever dated and called me the smartest guy she ever dated - and guess who she'd rather be with?

I have a theory that a lot of women find good men boring because abusive guys give them drama and stupid guys give them the chance to gossip with others about how hopeless he is. I'm neither but my life isn't boring. I go dance to good music at underground clubs, attend parties, visit museums, explore new places, like adventures, play games, have a good sense of humour I can apply to conversations on any subject etc.

If you live a life without drama & stupidity, do you really feel bad about losing someone who injects it in their's because that's the only way they know how to stimulate themselves? I don't and it's hard to know when it's time to decide enough is enough and no matter how good a person's other qualities may be, that their negative ones outweigh them and they just aren't the person for you but when you realize it, it's freeing.

bigneil · Apr 19, 2011

DJDamage - did you miss my post about screening her with 40 questions? I understand a successful seducer always pursues more than one woman, but the reason I didn't have other options on her level is A) she was one of the sexiest women I've ever met and B) I relocated to a crappy city while we were dating.

In my old town I would have had tons of other options. As it stands I still have 3 ex's at my disposal but ex's don't really turn me on anymore. This was the first relationship where the girl ended it in 7 years. I ended all of the others first, including about 17 out of the last 20.

bigneil · Apr 19, 2011

GameOfNoGame said:
I have a theory that a lot of women find good men boring because abusive guys give them drama and stupid guys give them the chance to gossip... do you really feel bad about losing someone (who doesn't) know how to stimulate themselves? ... when you realize it, it's freeing.

Well said GameOfNoGame. I think this girl had been desensitized and could only get aroused by drugs, extremely good looking men, abusive men, cheating men, black men (her family forbid it) or bisexual women. Early on in the relationship I noticed she would get turned on when I told her about exploiting previous girlfriends, but you eventually run out of stories to tell. And yes it felt liberating to let go this weekend. I immediately met and danced with an HB9 and though she was married it still helped.

Do you still blame yourself if she turns out to be a Ho?

bigneil

Banned

Mike32ct

Master Don Juan

The_411

Master Don Juan

bigneil

Banned

rocket87

Don Juan

vatoloco

Master Don Juan

bigneil

Banned

The_411

Master Don Juan

comic_relief

Master Don Juan

GameOfNoGame

Don Juan

bigneil

Banned

bigneil

Banned

DJDamage

Master Don Juan

GameOfNoGame

Don Juan

bigneil

Banned

bigneil

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