She needs space...where did it go wrong??

Story: I met this girl (HB 9.5) through a friend and it was an instant connection. I played all the dj rules, she ate it up, everyday she became closer to me. Heck, I was falling for it too. We were moving pretty fast, but she said she had never felt like this before, and honestly, either have I.

So after about a month, she is over all the time, I mean she is practically moved in. I have my own place, so I didn’t mind. I mean, come home after work and have a gorgeous babe come over every night and have amazing sex. Who’s gonna say no to that? I know what you guys are gonna say...you were too available, you spent to much time together....but c’mon, if things are going perfectly, why mess with it? I know I was going against the dj rules but nearly every night was awesome. She would cook for me, clean my place, buy me stuff all the time. It was almost too perfect.

Here is where things started to change. Previously she was a server, but was tired of serving and wanted to get a more “real” job. About two weeks ago she started doing event planning for this company (family friend offered her the position) on the weekends. She was digging it, making good money, got along with everyone there. The owner even payed for her to go skiing last week for a couple days. Mind you, we are still getting along great, she would text me all the time telling me she missed me, how much she loved me, all the time.

This weekend rolls around and we had plans to attend my company xmas party on Friday. She said she had someone cover her shift, so she can get off early. Well, she never got off, saying there was a mess up in the schedule and had to stay the entire night. I was pretty pissed but I just blew it off. She continually apologized and felt horrible, she reassured me how she was so pissed and how much she loved me. No biggie.

I see her Saturday night, everything was fine. Leaves my apt, tells me she loves me and goes to work Sunday. She said it would be a slower day and would probably get off early. That day I go out with my buds to have a few drinks...She texts me later and says the day is super busy and she wont get off til 10. I’m ok with it...until it’s 1130 and I still haven’t heard from her! Then I get a text saying,
“my boss is paying for stacy and I to go skiing tomorrow, I’m going to go home tonight and leave early tomorrow, is that ok baby?”
So I was pretty drunk at this point and was really pissed. Usually I’m cool about this, but her actions have been pretty shady lately. Yea I could’ve kept my cool, but this is the second time she has done this, so I texted her some stuff I shouldn’t have said like, “that’s cool, just don’t come here.” Did I overreact? Was I putting too much pressure on her? Maybe I wasn’t stern enough?

She never texted me or called me until tuesday night. Mind you, I never caved in and called/texted her. So there was no contact for 2 days, until she texts me we need to talk. I say ok.

She comes over Tuesday night, I’m super nervous, I feel like she is breaking up. I basically apologize for texting her that message and not calling. She apologized also for not calling and asked why I never called. I simply said I felt like was being too possesive and so I gave you space, expecting you to call.

I tell her that I love her, I want to be with her, but she has been acting weird, so I don’t know what’s going on. She says she is overwhelmed with her job and getting a lot of pressure from work (they offered her a full time spot so she is working the week now). She continues to say she is worried about her income, her bank account is dwindling, she mentions that her grandma passed away a year ago on this date. So she is going through a lot and really stressed out. I told her I completely understand and I will always be there for her. We end up making out a lil bit and played around. I told her I love her, she says she loves me too, but very softly. This whole time she is acting very quiet and distant. She’s just going through a hard time, that’s all.

She calls me this morning asking for something she wrote down, and as we get off the phone, I tell her I love her...and it goes silent. She’s gets flustered and doesn’t say anything. Then she says we need space and we’ll talk tonight. WTF!!

At this point I am totally perplexed and confused on what happened. Everything was perfect, I had a dream girl, she was crazy about me. Yea we spent a lot of time together but we were having a blast. How can she just wake up one day and completely change the way she feels about me? I understand that she got a new job, but why should that affect our relationship? I’m not really buying it. If I got a new job, yea I would be stressed, but that’s not going to make me want to break up with my gf. Again I’m amazed how she can just throw everything away because she is “stressed” and how she can’t say I love you anymore.

I remember Pook pointing out that transitions will make us get out with the old and start with the new. Getting a new job, moving to a new area, any kind of transition for some reason makes us start off fresh and ready for change. Could this be happening here?? Or did I f*ck up somewhere??

And should I stay by her side while she transitions, or just move on?? I’m completely perplexed and confused how she can change so fast. I’m crazy about this girl and would hate to lose her. Any kind of advice appreciated.

I know the original story is a little long, so I'll just summarize it.

I was dating a girl for 4 months and we were crazy about each other. She said the first "I love you", the first "are we boyfriend/girlfriend." Non stop calling and texting, so I went with it cause it was awesome what we had.

She gets a new job, and starts acting shady. Less contact, always busy, no responses. She always blamed this on her new job and how she was always busy and under a lot of pressure.

We get into a mini argument, mind you for the first time ever! We go no contact for 2 days, she finally texts me that we need to talk. She says she's under a lot of stress and needs space. I'm completely dumbfounded because things were perfect, and at the fact she can turn a page so fast. We invested in so much, and now needs space and is very distant.

I'm wondering what I did wrong, whether or not I should stick by her side, or if I should move on. And yes danger, she's gorgeous. Hottest I've ever dated.

Danger said:

I think what we have diagnosed here is the standard steps of a successful branch-swing.

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That's the first thing that popped into my mind as I was reading.

The boss has been (or will be) fucking her. Hey, the guy can pay for skiing vacations! Can you do that? No? Well, a newer, nicer (and more loaded) branch who can has now appeared so you're out.

Sorry my friend. Time to spin a new plate.

She comes over Tuesday night, I’m super nervous, I feel like she is breaking up. I basically apologize for texting her that message and not calling. She apologized also for not calling and asked why I never called. I simply said I felt like was being too possesive and so I gave you space, expecting you to call.

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You should not have appologized. At the time you did what you did for a reason. Don't deny what you were feeling - because it smacks of someone who doesn't know where he is or where he is going. We've done it, but don't appologize for it.

I tell her that I love her, I want to be with her, but she has been acting weird, so I don’t know what’s going on. She says she is overwhelmed with her job and getting a lot of pressure from work (they offered her a full time spot so she is working the week now). She continues to say she is worried about her income, her bank account is dwindling, she mentions that her grandma passed away a year ago on this date. So she is going through a lot and really stressed out. I told her I completely understand and I will always be there for her. We end up making out a lil bit and played around. I told her I love her, she says she loves me too, but very softly. This whole time she is acting very quiet and distant. She’s just going through a hard time, that’s all

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I think you knew something was up. If you didn't, you certainly did after the first time you told he you loved her - so you shouldn't have told her the second time. You should have felt out that situation and slammed on the breaks.

She calls me this morning asking for something she wrote down, and as we get off the phone, I tell her I love her...and it goes silent. She’s gets flustered and doesn’t say anything. Then she says we need space and we’ll talk tonight. WTF!!

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After what happened the night before you should have nopt picked up the phone. It's time to play hard ball and cut down on the contact big time. although probably to late.



It seems she could already have a bigger fish lined up. Personally, I'd cut your losses right now - let her go and forget about her. Definitely don't be available, don't pick up the phone and be her GF - go underground and stasy there - even when she's calling your phone 4 times in one night - cause all she wants is a shoulder to cry on and a Gf to listen to her.

samspade said:

Too much availability + new job + boss who is paying for vacations = "I need space."

Really, I think you two were playing house a little too quickly. I understand you felt like you'd hit the jackpot and were inclined to cash in on the cooking, company, and sex. You should have restrained yourself a little bit, especially in the early going. Your DJ techniques worked to reel her in, but you got a little soft after that, and she got bored. YOU should have been the one to cancel plans on her a couple of times - especially with an HB 9.5.

The new job and boss were mitigating factors, for sure. But had you maintained your 85% and up interest level, by tempering your availability, she might still be yours. Very few things can pry away a moonstruck woman, not even a free skiing trip.

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I absolutely agree with this. My interest level was at 100%, I was way too available. But to my justification, if something was going great, nearly perfect, why mess with it. And if it didn't work, I would've been kicking my self in the as$. Don't get me wrong, I left early every morning when she was still asleep, I was busy at work so I didn't always respond. I was indifferent at times and laid on many negs. I guess I thought that was enough.

Tonight we are talking, and I'm going to tell her that I will give her space and the timing just isn't right. I'm also going to tell her I will be seeing other people, but if she ever needs me I will be there.

My guess is that she is one of those women who are "hooked on a feeling."
What you and she created together, at warp speed, provide a huge buzz for her from all the swirling brain chemicals BUT what was left for her to chase or agonize about ? Where was 'the challenge' that woman value so highly ?
SHe had it all with you and she had it quickly.
That may have appealed to you as a man, but my guess is that she is now looking for her next buzz.


Too much too soon. brother.
Trust me, I made the same mistake a few years ago.
BTW, delete the last words in your post above. Her IL is dropping because she is certain that you are hooked and will always "be there for her ".
I learned that the hard way.
Never say," I will always be there for you." NEVER, EVER . Attractive women can easily recruit a bullpen of orbiters who will make that same pledge. BY saying that you just sound like one of them.

jophil- I absolutely agree, it was a rookie mistake. But you can see how one can easily fall for all the "chemicals" and keep going with what is working so well. I guess I was just scared of being a challenge when everything was going so great. Your right, the buzz is gone.

So what should I say tonight? Is there a way to get her back? I'm really like her and know I messed up...I was thinking of acting like it didn't bother me and not care at all and how I will date other people.

For now on, even if things are going great and "magical" and the rush is there, I will learn to slow it down, as hard as that sounds.

Well, let's see, half of her clothes are at my house, along with our xmas tree with her presents underneath. All of her shower stuff is in the bath. We had a nutcracker tickets this Friday and a trip to disneyland for 3 days. Ugh. I definitely need to mention those.

samspade said:

Just post-preemptively say (if you can), "Look, I agree, things are getting kind of stale with us. It's definitely time for a break. Keep in touch."

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I'm saying this, I need closure. And last word. lol

Sandow said:

jophil- I absolutely agree, it was a rookie mistake. But you can see how one can easily fall for all the "chemicals" and keep going with what is working so well. I guess I was just scared of being a challenge when everything was going so great. Your right, the buzz is gone.

So what should I say tonight? Is there a way to get her back? I'm really like her and know I messed up...I was thinking of acting like it didn't bother me and not care at all and how I will date other people.

For now on, even if things are going great and "magical" and the rush is there, I will learn to slow it down, as hard as that sounds.

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Sandow, I believe that we men need to go thought at least one of these experiences with an uber hottie to realize how fragile and superficial they are. They live in a world of 'buzz' . They have been worshipped and fawned over their whole lives because of their looks and sexual desireability . That becomes their intrinsic value.
Their existence comprises a series of 'buzz experiences', one after the other, with men who treat them like the glittering prizes that they believe that they are.
You are the latest leading man in the latest remake of her life movie.

Make no mistake they know how to draw you in with generosity, cute gifts, gushing sweetness and eager sex . It is beyond any previous experience, isn't it.
You were living a reality that felt like a fabulous fantasy, right ? And you assumed that she felt the same and wanted it to continue as much as you did.

But, to her it is just the same movie all over again.

When the buzz starts to wear off for her, she starts to create drama at about the 6-8 week mark. Hot and cold.. pushes you away.. spends time with others but expects you to spin your wheels in the background.
That is another of her favorite ways to kick start some more of her brain chemicals and at the same time scan the landscape for her next 'adventure'.
AT this stage, the game is summed up as "Go away until I want you back."

You and she are somewhere in this phase.

DO you really want her back knowing that this is how she operates ?.
Believe me this is her SOP.

IF you really MUST try to get her back, the only way is to revert to being the guy whom she first met.
Frankly I would question the wisdom of wanting someone back who had such little committment to what you built together. She does not value the relationship with you, she values the thrill of having an emotion riddled fling above all.

caring is creepy try not to care too much too soon next time...Follow your signature.
As for your situation with the Nutcracker, the tickets to Disney land, and her presents.

Politely let her get her stuff the **** out of your place...
Give her one christmas Present and then pawn anything else that you planned on giving her.
get your money back for the Nutcracker, or take a friend and go see it ^_^
Def get a refund for the disney trip cancel that ASAP, and be glad that now you have money for something else that you want.

It hurts but don't get too caught up on it....

Sandow said:

I'm also going to tell her I will be seeing other people, but if she ever needs me I will be there.

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Why tell her that - make her guess.

Need you for what... So she can use you and burst your heart open again??

Oh man, where do I start with this. This guy is too far gone.

1) Why would you let someone literally move in with you in 30 days? Is she homeless? Is she an orphan?
2) You said I love you to her? You keep saying it? You are no longer a challenge buddy. She knows she got you.
3) The boss has already fuvked her. Twice. That's why she was late from work. Men don't pay for ski trips, unless they're fuvking them. He's got money, you don't. He's dangling the career carrot infront of her, you don't. You don't even have challenge with you. That is why she is feeling guilty of leading you on. She loves it too. She exchanges sex, for attention and trips. This is not your typical bartender that bangs her, this is a professional. She loves it.

4) You lost control of this situation when you became too available. You say "c'mon she was always there willing and ready" You don't do that stuff of sex every night, dinner every night, until at least six months to a year in a relationship. Even then, I would recommend against it. THE ONLY TIME YOU SEE A WOMAN EVERY NIGHT IS WHEN YOU MARRY THEM. Even then, you should hide in the bathroom for a few hours so you can have some peace and quiet. Absence makes the heart go fonder.
5) She is not coming back, she's gone. You lost the most important aspect of the relationship. Challenge.
6) When I was reading your post, I thought a woman was writing it. That's how far gone you are.
7) Read this very carefully. A WOMAN FALLS IN LOVE WITH YOU IN TIME. You gave her no time. You rushed, you lost. Move on.
8) Depending on her age, motivation, and how hot she is, sometimes they're just wired wrong. Some girls are just born to love covk for money. Some girls love to be sluvts, attention *****s, etc. I put those in the ten percent category. But, most of the time, it's the man's fault for going too fast and not making her work for you.

Sandow said:

I'm saying this, I need closure. And last word. lol

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Dude, why don't you just cut your balls off while you're at it.

She made her choice, she wants to leave you. That isn't deserving of respect for her, regardless of how hot she is. You're a prize. She is missing her chance with you. It's HER loss, not yours.

Pack her **** up, leave it at the front door, and tell her she can come by at 8pm to get it. No cute hugs, goodbyes, "I'm forever there for you" *puke*. Let her get her ****, and then have her leave.

After that, cut contact. It's over.

While you're at it, re-read some basic game stuff. You sound like a chick writing this stuff dude. You gave all the power in the relationship to her. "I love you"?? Really? After 30 days? Wtf?

Yea, I'll admit, I've have softened up. I was in a trance, she was amazing, and I went with it. I feel like these DJ games are somewhat immature at times. Yea I used to do them in my early twenties, but I"m thirty now, and I felt like being real. That's why I didn't do a lot of these alpha, ****y, hard to get techniques. I just feel like being real at this age. Big mistake I guess.

I'm not disagreeing with you guys, I'm actually agreeing. And I agree with jophil on her personality type. She loves money, and being beautiful I'm sure she has had everything handed to her. I won't go back to her.

But why did she move everything in? Heck SHE bought the nutcracker tickets! There was absolutely no sign that there were any problems. If there were, I would've changed immediately. But there were no signs, so I continued with the "fairy tale" and continued being a wuss. Ugh, I'm even getting nautious writing this.

And yes she actually was homeless, she was in between places, so she was staying on the couch of her best friend. Yea I could have been a dyck and told her to go back to her couch, but that would have been f*cked up. I guess I should have done that.

Anyways, I'm gonna be dyck tonight and tell her to kick rocks. I will tell you guys how it goes.

Sandow said:

And yes she actually was homeless, she was in between places, so she was staying on the couch of her best friend. Yea I could have been a dyck and told her to go back to her couch, but that would have been f*cked up. I guess I should have done that.

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What you should have done is never have her move in with you. It's one of the oldest rules in the book (never move in with a woman) but I guess some people are willing to break it so they too can suffer the inevitable death of their relationship like countless others.

I wouldn't call her homeless she was sleeping in a couch. Homeless is the people I see asking for chance with a cardboard sign.

Every woman is a lesson and I'm sure you learned many with this one so you can avoid making the same mistakes with the new ones that come your way.

jophil28 said:

They live in a world of 'buzz' . They have been worshipped and fawned over their whole lives because of their looks and sexual desireability. That becomes their intrinsic value. Their existence comprises a series of 'buzz experiences', one after the other, with men who treat them like the glittering prizes that they believe that they are. You are the latest leading man in the latest remake of her life movie.

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Absolutely!

They "fall in love" with you until the novelty wears off, then they go to the next, and so forth. Imagine the most delicious ice cream ever made, try eating it everyday, one will fell like vomiting at some point. Like children, women will try to eat you up (like an ice cream) and get the best out of you until:

1. They grow tired
2. There´s nothing left from you

Then they move on to the next (ice cream).

At the most extreme cases as was already mentioned, she could be a Cluster B whackjob who loves instant gratification, has poor impulse control and loves to play head games and to rush in. With these types you never know what hit you, and remember it´s always your fault!! You didn´t love her enough, you didn´t call her enough, even if you did! :crazy:

f283000 said:

What you should have done is never have her move in with you. It's one of the oldest rules in the book (never move in with a woman) but I guess some people are willing to break it so they too can suffer the inevitable death of their relationship like countless others.

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Truer words have not been spoken. I made that mistake with my ex after her house burned down. I told her she could stay with me for awhile. Huge mistake that totally ruined our relationship.

Sandow said:

I feel like these DJ games are somewhat immature at times. Yea I used to do them in my early twenties, but I"m thirty now, and I felt like being real.

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Sadly, those DJ "games" would have saved you from this situation.

But why did she move everything in?

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Because you were Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C, and then when the new job came into play, you were Plan Z.

And yes she actually was homeless, she was in between places, so she was staying on the couch of her best friend. Yea I could have been a dyck and told her to go back to her couch, but that would have been f*cked up. I guess I should have done that.

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It's not your job to house homeless women. That's their own problem.
What I would be wondering is why is she homeless in the first place? How did she get there? How many bad choices did she make in order to get to that spot?

Anyways, I'm gonna be dyck tonight and tell her to kick rocks. I will tell you guys how it goes.

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BE "DJ" you, not this 30-something "REAL" you.

This chick may or may not be any good, whatever, but there is a bottom line
here.

YOU MUST NOT get attached too early or for a long while for that matter. Damn it, keep yourself in check, its the only way.

My experience and I'm sure everybody else, once you start seeing stars
and all that sh*t, you're totally gone and screwed.

Like the other poster said, if you eat your favorite ice cream all day every day, you're going to vomit. Calm down and just give her a small part of your life, not the entire thing.

Having said all that, there is nothing wrong with liking a girl and being into her, but you just have to really try to temper those feelings with reality. Don't ever assume she is totally yours and there isn't another girl right around the corner and you'll act cooler and be more intriguing.